themadhatter42014-blog

[themadhatter42014-blog]

LoopWhat doesn't kill you,makes you want to die!

I have been living with depression, anxiety, paranoia, and etcetera for all as long as I can remember. Most of my childhood memories are of me just unhappy.

My mom and dad got back together in 1998, I was 11 getting ready to be 12. We live in a small 2 bedroom house. What should have been every divorced childs dream come true, mom and dad getting back together, moving into a new home with my newly remarried parents, but unfortunately, life had other plans for me.

Things went really well for a while, until one day, mom and dad got into a fight, I really dont know what over, but all I remember was dad saying to mom, " I don't care about Jessica, all I care about is bub." That absolutely crushed me.

The first man in my life that broke my heart completely, was my father. From there on out, and even to this very day, I still hear that in the back of my mind. That's when I started believing that if my own dad doesn't want me then what man ever will.

As time went on, life for me just more worse with each passing day. When I was 17 my dad had a comcomplete mental breakdown. Kicked me out, took everything away from me that I loved. My mom, my brother, my childhood, the list could go on.

I have ptsd because of him. I cant feel love, to be honest, I dont even know what love should feel like. I am afraid to confront people who have done me wrong. I cant handle screaming, fighting, none of it. When people get into a confortation, my hands shake, I get real nervous, I start to feel like this great heavy pressure on my chest, and a bawl like a baby. With every voice raised in anger makes me jump. It doesn't matter if it's due to my husband getting mad at a game he is playing, just unexpected loud noises makes me jump out of my skin.

I remember being married to my first husband (the one my dad signed his rights over to), my dad called our house phone, I literally ran into the bathroom shut the door, locked it, turned the light off and sat with my back towards the door pressed up against the door as hard as I could, just from a phone call from my dad.

I couldn't walk down the street without having a panic attack because I thought my dad would be driving around town looking for me. As the years passed, my fears kept growing and growing.

In the summer of 2007, (don't judge like I said the first one doesn't count since it was basically a shotgun wedding but without a pregnancy) and my marriage to Joseph was finally over, our divorce was finalized, so like any normal couple before they divorce we was separated for a year, I didn't date any one, I only talked to maybe a hand full a guys, but nothing serious.

My old roommate from college asked if I would like to come and stay with her over the summer, My dad wasnt really father of the year kind of father. So I jumped at the chance. That's when I met my second husband Lawrence, my college roommate brother (If you're wondering her name is Rose). In my defense Lawrence should have been just a one night stand and nothing more. But since I was just coming out of a bad marriage, havent dated in over 3 years, I thought what the hell, why not give it a try.

Lawrence didnt treat me like I was his property, he didnt call me names, verbally, emotionally and mentally abuse me. He wouldn't raise his voice to me. So he ask me out and I said yeah, me and Lawrence talked about havin relationship, I told him that I didn't want to tell no one until after being together for 1 month, I didn't want to jinx it, because it was going really well..

To be continued......