themagebard

[themagebard]

[themagebard]

"anders will always love his cause more than you" and? that's hot as fuck

[themagebard]

no but give me hawkes who are as infatuated with anders as he is with them

hawkes who don’t talk about him like a chore or a chain yoking them to a cause they don’t believe in but instead hawkes who are proud of him, hawkes who are absolutely enamoured with him, hawkes who can’t believe this witty, kind and cute warden-healer fell for them

give me hawkes who laugh at all his terrible jokes because in their eyes, they’re not terrible. give me hawkes who gaze at him dreamily when he talks, only to quickly glance away when anders looks over. give me hawkes who talk their family’s ears off about my friend anders who runs the free clinic from the moment they meet him, so that nobody in the hawke family is at all surprised when my friend anders becomes anders becomes my lover

give me hawkes who write about him, secretly, in what most people would call a journal. give me musician hawkes who laugh with him on the lute, not at him, and teach him how to play, reassuring him that skill and practice are as interdependant as light and shadow; there can be no one without the other. give me artist hawkes who try to draw him, sketching in charcoal endless pictures of anders at rest or at work, anders casting spells, anders with his patients; hundreds of images balled up and tossed aside for anders to find later; hawke can never quite get his nose just right

(later on, neither can the wanted posters all over thedas: there are small mercies after all).

just. give me hawkes who are as pleased to be loved by anders as anders is to be loved by them. that’s all.

[themagebard]

Do you ever just... think about how Halsin's life at the Grove was not only lonely and full of pressure, but also so full of expectations that the image Halsin had to cultivate of himself was nothing like who he was?

Everyone at the Grove only seemed to know of him as a leader, scholar, healer, and powerful Druid. In truth, he hated the first, understood the importance of the second but did not actually enjoy it, was proud of the third but again, didn't consider it part of his identity, and rarely acknowledged the fourth as anything but a way to serve nature.

Even in the way they addressed him it quickly became clear it wasn't who he was. Halsin NEVER shows any comfort using the title of "Master Halsin"; it was a title the others used for him that he reluctantly went along with. The instant he leaves the Grove, he never uses it again. He's just Halsin.

He may have been fond of some of the Druids at the Grove, and most of the others were fond of him right back (hell, even Kagha, if she is pushed away from the Shadow Druids, and then learns that Halsin perished in the goblin pen, laments that she will really miss him)... but none of them saw him. What they saw was a mask he had to wear, a role he had to play, because he had to. Because he was forced to and no one wanted the role back. (And seriously, he was desperate to give it up. It took his Grove nearly being taken over by the Shadow Druids and Halsin having to leave to help end a potentially world-ending threat for them to agree to send a replacement. You can't tell me the guy didn't try to pawn the position off before, only for his Circle to say "no".)

The refugees see him as a protector (which he is) but as the leader, as the most powerful one. The Druids see him as a lot of things- a leader, good or bad; some see him as weak and a failure, others see him as beyond a reproach and someone to put on a pedestal; they see him as the BEST healer of all, the most POWERFUL Druid they know, the SMARTEST, the STRONGEST, an "elf with the presence of a bear"...

But the one thing he can't be around them is "just Halsin."

He couldn't even trust any of them with the full truth when he discovered the altered tadpole; Nettie had suspicions, but he didn't tell her the full truth, he immediately swore off telling Kagha with the reasoning that she would demand answers he couldn't provide (expecting too much from him), and in fact, he was so worried about this that he split his notes into two.

So then along comes the player, who first finds him in an extremely vulnerable position- being tortured by goblins. Halsin says in as many words that he didn't think anyone was coming for him. Halsin didn't think the people he was charged to lead and protect cared enough for him to mount a rescue mission- and he was tragically right. (Granted, for some it was a matter of fear, inexperience, etc, but the fact remains.) The player rescues him, treats him as an equal despite this (and that's what he wants, he wants to be an equal with some expertise to share, not a leader), helps him to correct what he sees as the biggest mistake of his life, possibly pursues a romantic relationship with him where they are kind enough to not even hold it against him where he loses control of his powers and accidentally polymorphs during sex, and, in the newly added post-Drow scene, offers him guidance and counsel on something he's been unable to talk about for over 100 years, admitting that he lost perspective on it for just this reason. He had no peers and was forced into a leadership role so stressful that it made him romanticize his past as a sex slave in his own head because he was that desperate to not be responsible for the wellbeing of others, to not be relied on- even if the alternative was being treated as literal property and his autonomy repeatedly violated. That's how desperate he was.

Halsin's entire arc is how he's been lonely and isolated, always in different ways, but still the same thing. Misunderstood and scorned for his size, or kept as a prisoner, or with few friends, or losing his peers, or being forced into a leadership role with no equals or friends to take care of him, or so focused on his leadership duties that the chance to have a family (which he wanted desperately) passed him by... just one thing after another.

And then people wonder why he falls in love with the player so fast. The player is literally EVERYTHING he has been wishing for for over 100 years, not just in the romantic sense, but for everything. All he wanted was someone who would let him be HIMSELF, no pressures or responsibilities he was woefully unequipped to fulfill.

[themagebard]

Gale: *rummaging through the bag of food with a frown* Why does all the bread keep disappearing?!

Halsin: *nudging Tav* Want to go feed some ducks?

Tav: *curious frown*

Halsin: *opens a bag full of bread* I know some really hungry ducks.

Tav: *giggling* Let’s go.

.

[themagebard]

[themagebard]

I don't think Anders was ONLY writing his manifesto in da2 I think he was also writing "Anders Hawke" over and over again in his journal. with hearts all over

[themagebard]

Sacred moments in time.

Halsin, despite being the scholar he is, can't seem to pay attention to any of the words on the page. All focus is on the slender, steady hands braiding his hair. On the closeness.

Nobody's taken care of him, before.

It's nice.

[themagebard]

The mages have vanished.

[themagebard]

https://archiveofourown.org/works/62956684/chapters/164572297

Chapter 13 is posted! After leaving Kirkwall, Hawke and Anders help the newly-freed mages.

[themagebard]

https://archiveofourown.org/works/62956684?view_full_work=true

More chapters posted! Hawke and Anders are beginning their lives as fugitives, and their first project is helping the freed mages from Kirkwall.

[themagebard]

that there are so many people who only know justice through jennifer hepler's actually grotesque and unbelievable usage of him as a plot device to represent the inherent monstrosity of mental illness and not the gentle wide-eyed romantic that was so swiftly and thoroughly won over by the inherent beauty of natural life and the freedom to live it actually makes me lose sleep at night i could literally throw u,;p

[themagebard]

Howling Wind

Anders looked up from the book that he was supposed to be studying. Focusing had been a struggle all day. The howling wind outside of the tower was a vivid reminder of the world outside - the world that he was no longer a part of. He looked back at the book and tried to focus on the dry information it contained, but even as his eyes scanned the words, his mind continued to wander.

He found himself back in his parents’ home, listening to the wind. He sat by the window, watching the trees blow, and precipitation and leaves fly across his field of vision before falling to the ground. The weather outside was cold and wet, but inside, it was warm and dry. A fire crackled, and the air smelled of a spiced dessert that was baking for after that night’s dinner. His mother sat near him, working on a needlework project for a neighbor’s new baby. His father sat on the other side of the room and worked on a repair that he had been saving up for a rainy day.

Anders felt immense bitterness as he was drawn out of his reverie and remembered where he really was and all that had passed since that time. His father had discarded him as soon as he had shown magical ability. His mother seemed sorrowful that he was being taken away, but ultimately did nothing to try to keep him. And now he was here, locked up in the Circle’s tower. There was no warmth and no love here. No spiced dessert. He couldn’t even look out of a window and see what might be blowing on the wind today.

He wondered what was happening outside. Was it raining? Snowing? Did the wind bring ice? The templars were the only ones that would have the answer to that question, as the mages were not permitted to leave the tower, and there wasn’t even a single window that they could look out of. There were stained-glass windows high up on the wall to let in a bit of light, but diligently placed and colored so that the mages could have no connection to the outside world. Anders would never stoop to the relying on the templars for something such as news on the weather, so he kept his questions to himself.

Anger roiled through him at how the people here were treated. Everything about the tower they were housed in was constructed to make them feel disconnected from the world. They were kept caged like animals. Worse than animals - they weren’t even allowed to look outside. Most caged animals had a view of the outside of their enclosure. The mages didn’t. Anders only knew it was winter because of the persistent cold that permeated every part of the tower.

In his fog of anger, Anders began to plan his next escape. He decided it would be better to be out in this weather - whatever this weather was - than to be dry inside of a prison. As he returned to his facade of studying, ideas and possiblities began to come together in his mind.

[themagebard]

“I sense darkspawn nearb–Pardon me. That is likely not a surprise.”

[themagebard]

“andrastian.” ander. anders. Anders.

[full poem under the cut]

Keep reading

[themagebard]

if it's forever, it's even better

[themagebard]

I think it’s about time for another playthrough of Dragon Age 2 so that I can make all of the same choices I’ve made the past half-dozen times I’ve played!