themagorian

[themagorian]

i always want to tell my friends when i have a good high or im happy drunk but a part of me cringes thinking that they think "congrats, you finally found drugs good for you." but really i just want them to know... im happy. im capable of that. i feel good rn... sorry i needed help

[themagorian]

im externally embarassed by who you guys think i am but im internally aick of trying to convince you that im not that person

[themagorian]

i want to learn Intentionalily. my life has always been under the thumb of my parents. i only had a say in my life if my vision alligned with theirs, so i learned how to execute theirs in the best ways. i only ever learned general sweeping and underlying rules that i could apply to everyone elses views. and from that i determined that there are overarching "rights" and "wrongs" for every scenario (which is Wrong). i keep thinking that i want to learn how to want again, but i think i need to understand that i can act on my wants. i dint have to automatically push them down

[themagorian]

two concepts i will buold an analogy upon;

that our lives are equated to running on a treadmill. faster and faster as fast as we can, not to get anywhere but to keep up

and then the strategy for races where you pick a nearby point and try to just make it there instead of thinking all the way ahead to the finishline

as a kid we are thrown on a treadmill and forced to sprint to keep up with our parents. theres no end goal in life but they keep giving us milestones to look forward to because thats what they need, what theyre used to. and then all the sudden you move out and you arent really keeping up with anyone unless you convince yourself to. its mostly up to you. and so im setting these arbitrary points to make it to like theres some finish line. and the first one given to me was finishing school so they were always really far out. getting a degree. owning a house. having kids, marrying, getting a degree. and then at some point its just making it to drinking age. a birthday. and the more tired i get the sooner the checkpoints my sights are on become. next milestone is a holiday. vacation back home. its starting fresh next month, its the weekend. but now its easier being at work. its after work, but after work i just sleep so i can go back. lunch break. or just finishing this order. and before long the race is gone. there are no milestones no path no anything, my muscles are screaming and that white noise IS my world. and my breathing has changed; In, in, in... out, out, out. because Oh God even the end of this next breath is so far away it might as well not be real. and so im always going to have media playing in my ear, more white noise to drown out how something in me is screaming. something that i cant break down farther into tiny incriments with a finish line in sight to keep me going. because as long as i can pretend i am learning... oh no. because im running out of things i can effortlessly learn and when i lose this quick coping mechanism ive made i return to fractured breaths where seconds are endless empty eternities and my whole world isnt even in my head its in my muscles that are squeezing themselves to desth and im listening to myself scream out this pain from a distance.

and all anyone sees, is someone in a car race on a bike, in a bike race on foot maybe panting a little. because that really IS where i am. im biking up hill while my family fools me with cheers that im in a race that doesnt even exist.

...

theres another me too. sitting past the sidelines that function as my blinders. shes having a picnic and really is just happy, not because of the food, or the view, or where she is or what shes done or for the life she has lived. she is just happy right now, and she feels no need to hold that happiness tightly, she'd rather let it flow through her. and she loves me

[themagorian]

tw si

im about to turn 20, which will mark an 11 year age difference fron when i first thoughy to myself that i should kill my self. maybe its my faulty memory but i feel the exact same mentally as i did back then. if a 10 year old kid came up to you and said that they have experienced 20 years worth of experiences you say "ok. then youre 20 years old." they respond that theyve just had a really busy year. that sounds like a comedy skit but... ive had 20 years of experiences and i dont feel 20. if i felt the same then and now what "age am i"? was i 20 then or am i 9 now? physical and mental age lose their correlation very early on. i dont even know that mental age exists paat a point

[themagorian]

ok sure, this ones pretty bad. and i know its obvious that im not doing so good tonight. but its ok. tw si

i dont know how to explain that i feel like if i tried to kill myself it wouldnt actually kill me. there would be a huge impact of whatever kind and then... id wake uo as that other me. the healthy happy one in a whole new world but mostly worldview. and thats probably pretty dangerous

[themagorian]

ok sure, this ones pretty bad. and i know its obvious that im not doing so good tonight. but its ok. tw si

i dont know how to explain that i feel like if i tried to kill myself it wouldnt actually kill me. there would be a huge impact of whatever kind and then... id wake uo as that other me. the healthy happy one in a whole new world but mostly worldview. and thats probably pretty dangerous

[themagorian]

oh. my childhood nightmares, my persistant anxieties so strong i almost believed i could realize them into being? maybe they arent so scary when i know im making them all up to hide something else. theyre just me, my own creation. all bark, no bite. theyre there to protect me anyways, they almost love me in that way

[themagorian]

do you want to talk about how i hurt myself yet? you want to tell me hgt is real again? do you remember how you told me the voices nobody else could hear were ghosts and the devil and god talking to me? do you remember - do you even know - about when they locked me in the basement over night? are you still going to tell me that everyone gets so absorbed into a scientific subject that it becomes their whole life at 8?? until 16?? that everyone cuts tags off clothes. and my hamstrings are fucked up because i juat dont stretch bc Everyone walks just on the balls of their feet. everyone panics without music in their ears. that i was just So mature for my age. and its ok kids your age dont understand you, they will. you really tuink that after 20 years of not letting me bounce my leg, of slowly suppressing each and every part of who i was to make you more comfortable, telling me the whole time that im normal. telling me that Not everyone thinks like you and making me belive that was My fault for being a selfiah asshole. after all of that you really tuink my firat priority should be to fix my relationship with you? that the therapist i need to see should help make me into the person you failed to force me to be?? after all the breaking and scaring you did, Of Course i shouldnt fix myself. youve been telling me for 20 YEARS that im not broken and even when i thought i knew i was i just told myself that life is this much of a hell for everyone, i must just be weak for not being able to handle it. dear god youll be lucky if i can have a real genuine interaction with ANYONE before you Die let alone a genuine interaction with you. I dont even know how to have a genuine interaction with myself.

and just because i hate you so much already for it. for your feigned ignorance and abuse. because i want you to feel the writhing legs under your skin that i have known for years, the desire to tear your skin apart with your own hands just to stop from feeling like the Crawling piece of shit that you are. i want you to know that wven if you could fix it all. take it all back, undo what you did to me. its still all your fault, its genetic. and while i will only demonize what you did to me you clearly demonized a would be simple part of reality and knowing you will tear your own mind apart the way i did mine over something that could have been so insignificant and should be so easy. i suppose that could be justice

[themagorian]

i say being a binary trans person is a paradox because to be trans requires an element of recognizing gender is a social construct. and to opt in to the opposite of one construct for another is willful ignorance (not that i am criticizing it, i am a culprit of this). but at singe point you must recognize that your perception of womanhood (i am a trans woman) is limited. but so is any cis womans.... transgender euphoria is as blind as cisgender acceptance. and in my unending selfcriticism i want to say this somehow taints the purity of my gender euphoria but if objective self-observation doesnt exist... maybe everything really does allign with conformity and noncomformity. because subtle degrees of nonconformity are still that and are still subjective.

even after degrees of seperation from the curent gender binary "genders" will be summarized with aesthetics and archetypes as we already see in trans discourse. which makes sense when you look at gender as an artform especially with the concept of "steal like an artist" applied to it...

... i think that analogy is succinct enough to satisfy me, though maybe only because i am not far enough into art-genre discourse to elaborate upon it futher

[themagorian]

"no this student isnt gifted and talented they are HIGHLY gifted and tallented" my school said. "it means they are SO smart that they need tags cut off their clothes so they can focus and they need a specific textural diet (for mental growth of course) and its why they dont make friends, because theyre thinking about classwork at recess in 2nd grade. and all of this is only because they are smart :) and nothing else could ever explain this behaviour :) and we 'love' them for this reason alone and not because having hgt kids gives us funding. funding that allows us to give this child Tons of extra things like... tests!! and higher expectations! and... thats it i think! everything a child needs to be happy :)))"

[themagorian]

god i think the worst part about realizing youre neurodivergent (a word im not a fan of but ill return to that point later) is that your parents Did take care of at least a few of your needs (my mom accomodated a lot of my food texture sensitivity and would cut tags off clothes and my dad always made sure i had music and noise canceling means to listen to it) in oddly Knowing ways but never TOLD ME SHIT. they always acted like i was normal

[themagorian]

i was never allowed to have social media when i was young and i ostracized myself from most of my peers and now im about to turn 20 and i feel so dumb for wanting to start being who i wanted so long ago. everyone else is at least fluent in something it feels like im not supposed to take part in but the longer i wait the worse itll get

[themagorian]

my roommate says she had a dream about me having DID right after i decided that should be something for me to explore w a therapist?? ik coincidences are a thing but it really feels like im leaking information somehow

[themagorian]

what a hell of a realization it is that you tried expressing different facets of your personality as a kid and they went ao unloved you completely burried them and then took all these disingenuous behaviour traits that actually got you attention and compiled them into a shell of a personality that somehow has to be aware enough of itself to realize it doesnt exist. its like $20 in a venmo account being self aware, its world isnt real and neither is it. and yet, here it is

[themagorian]

and that tik tok by that one trans girl i dont like? about catching up on all the repressed tumblr shit? yeah really hit right home with me, just sad it had to be her

[themagorian]

i really just want somewhere that feels, not indefinite, but... i guess just homelyy. i dont want to feel like im an intruder everywhere i live and i dont want to always be feeling like i should be preparing to move