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[themessyhand]

15. youtubers

There are so many Youtubers nowadays and its weird to think that back in middle school (I think I was around that age when I first discovered Youtube but don't count on my memory being accurate) there were only a handful. I still remember when nigahiga blew up! I wonder if he is still considered popular today... Anyways, there is a looooooot of content on Youtube but I feel like its kind of hard to find quality content that really sticks to me. I don't know if I am being a snob or I have a particular taste in Youtubers, but here are a few of my favorites at the moment: Yoga with Kassandra - great short yoga videos that are perfect for beginners like me. I love her 10 minute morning yoga series as I cannot do exercising videos past 10 minutes (haha...). Liah Yoo - Liah is one of the few people I can really trust when it comes to the skincare game. I have been watching her for so long (before her own skincare line which is OMG such a huge accomplishment) and I love her sincerity and humility when it comes to the skincare industry (vs. someone like Susan Yara). Gothamista - Another knowledgable skincare guru who has some really in depth and calming videos. My only gripe is I wish she gets a good microphone because sometimes her video's audio is really distracting. Kendall Rae - I know true crime podcasts has been everyone's favorite recently but I honestly have not hopped onto that trend yet (I don't even listen to audiobooks because I love book books but that is not to say they are not great--just not my jam). Kendall is like a true crime Youtube and I love her voice. I am especially impressed that she shines a light on police brutality and other victims of color. HELL YEA! Aja Dang - I have to applaud Aja Dang for making money and finance talk more mainstream. I love that she takes us along her journey of becoming debt free because I think finance is something that is not taught in schools but it is so important especially for those who aren't born wealthy. I do admit I don't bother to watch much of her other video contents tho... Allana Davison - One of the few beauty gurus that I honestly love!! She is quircky and funny and I was so surprised when she did the best of 2019 with a bunch of Youtuber together and it was so nice to see the beauty community together in a positive way!! bestdressed - I randomly saw one of her videos pop up in the main page of Youtube and seeing she had lots of subscribers, I clicked on one of her videos to see what all the hype was. She is so funny and her editting is great. I also think she is so fashionable. CantoMando - I would say CantoMando really has content (their skits at least) that represents my childhood and my identity. Wongfu is great and I still like them but I think Wongfu doesn't do a lot of growing up Asian in a Westernized country on the Asian side. They show a lot of the Asian struggles in the White world but not the Asian world struggling in Whiteness... I don't know if that makes any sense!! I guess sometimes Wongfu's material is too Americanized for my very Asian upbrining (like I can't relate to it as much but I know a lot of my Asian American friends can). CantoMando really shows the Asian side of things in a Western country. I keep saying Western because they are Canadian.

Tina Tomato - Tina is a straight forward, real life Youtuber which I really appreciate. She does a lot of little challeges and self improvement challenges as well and I really like her realness. Made in Mia 미아 - Mia is one of my favorite Korean Youtubers because she has a great personality and is really funny. My favorite videos are the ones where she interviews part timers from different Korean beauty brands and ask them to reveal their favorite items/most hidden items.

[themessyhand]

14. what I have made so far (sponsored by the quarantine)

Cinnamon Buns ★★★★★ - Was relatively easy and delicous!! Its more of a morning bun than a typical cinnamon bun. The cinnamon sugar did explode out of the muffin mold so definitely less of the filling next time. I halved the recipe and used active dry yeast instead. Chicken and Sausage Jambalaya ★★★★☆ - Easy and good. I had to use short grain rice (because I didn't have long grain) but not sure if its a staple in my recipes. Easy Matcha Cream Cheese Pound Cake ★★★★☆ - Easy and super delicous right when its out of the oven. I may have overbaked it because it became a lot more dry once it cooled to room temp (and its supposed to be a room temp cake). Tapioca Pearls ★★★☆☆ - Took waaaaaaaaay too long to make and the consistency wasn't as good as store bought (I mean obviously?) but I am not sure if it was worth the effort... ended up buying boba at my local 99 Ranch which takes 5 mins to make Rotibuns ★★★★★ - OMG!! I was so proud of myself when this came out awesome!! I love rotibun but the one store near me that sold this closed :( anyways, turned out amazing except for the top coffee part which I wish was a little thicker (was too thin)

Xinjiang Style Rice Pilaf ★★★★★ - First time a cooking dish came out this good (I ususally bake if you cannot tell)! I loved the softend garlic and I think it would taste good without the cumin. Half Baked Cheese Tart ★★★★★ - OMG TASTED LIKE 85 DEGREE BAKERY'S Hokkaido Cheese Tart but then again I haven't eaten that in a while so maybe its more of a substitute for that cheese tart... It was easy to make too but I totally forgot to add water to the egg wash ahahahah *facepalm* Chinese Chive Pockets ★★★★☆ - Easy to make but the dough wasn't what I expected... Though you pan fry the dough, its not as crunchy as I would have liked it so it came out pretty soft... tasted good though! Xinjiang Style Rice Pilaf ★★★★★ - First cooked dish I am truly proud of. I made it twice already (the second time wasn't as good as the first one as the rice was too mushy) and my family likes it too! The garlicy oniony... ugh delish!! I am interested in trying it with different meats like chicken. Jjapaguri with steak ★★★★★ - Does this count as a recipe when we are really mixing two ramen packages together?? Also don't judge that this is also was made popular by Parasite, ok? Because it tasted great!! I loved the combination. I honestly am not the biggest fan of jajangmyeon but with the spiciness... it just MWAH! I made it for the first time with Jolie and we both have bought more ramen packages to make it again and again hahaha! Chinese Steamed Pork Buns baozi ★★★★☆ - I had a sudden craving for Chinese steamed chicken mushroom buns and this recipe hit the spot!! For the filling, I did a mix of this pork one and the one on this recipe. The filling need to be a little saltier/flavorable but I am glad everything turned out soooo good mainly because I have seen more complex boazi recipes but this one is super easy. I will need to learn how to do them pleats tho... Black Sesame Rice Balls (Tang Yuan) ★★★☆☆ - Tang yuans are one of my fav desserts!! I was so excited to try this but I think I should have blended the sesame maybe two seconds more and maybe try a recipe where the sesame is more oozing. This recipe is makes pretty dry sesame inside the ball and I actually added more butter than the recipe to make it into somewhat of a paste (probably even add more). What a mess haha... Peach Financier ★★★★★ - I didn't have any peaches on hand so what I made is technically just a financier. Its a very delicious recipe and tastes very close to Madelines (does everyone eat those or is just local to me??). Cream Cheese Garlic Bread ★☆☆☆☆ - Its a Korean street food recipe from the very famous Nino. I don't know if I overkneaded the bread or something but it did not rise very much and the filling did not taste good. Its a super sweety and lightly savory bread and it was not my style. My mom's bf liked it tho so I guess it did not go to waste... Choice Cheesecakes ★★★☆☆ - My first attempt at making a recipe from a very old book! The crust on this cheesecake is delicious and I would maybe... double the recipe for that next time because it was super crumbly (most of it didn't really form into a dough) and didn't even cover my whole cake pan. I would also cut the sugar down by like half. It was wayyyyy too sweet. I also need to adjust the baking time. I followed instructions to a T but after all the baking time, my center was still not baked but the sides were pretty brown. I might just make a totally different cheesecake recipe next time. “Burnt” Basque Cheesecake ★★★★★ - Wow... this recipe is straight up wow! Its such a simple recipe of doing everything opposite of a good cheesecake and somehow I like this better than any cheesecake I have ever had. I brought a piece for my coworker too and she liked it! My own thing is the bottom burns too much and creates this thick black layer that doesn't taste that good. I like mine lightly browned to balance the sweetness with the savory of the burnt parts so I usually remove the bottom layer (after letting it set). Little Toast Stuffed with Meat Floss and Mochi ★★★★★ - Disclaimer: I did not add the mochi to this bun; I just could not fathom the combination of mochi and pork sung togher (also waste of mochi imo). This recipe uses poolish instead of the tong zhou method to make bread. I was a bit worried it would not turn out well because the only method of making fluffy bread that has worked for me is the tong zhou method, but EVERYONE IT TURNED OUT AMAZING. It is less messy and takes less active time to make so it will definitely be my favorite method to make bread. YUM YUM YUUUUUM Dan Dan Noodles ★★★★★ - OMG THIS WAS SO DELICIOUS. I didn't get to add the Sichuan peppercorn but I will definitely do that next time. I loved the combination of everything. I also made my own noodles using a recipe on handmade noodles (Authentic Dan Dan Noodles From Scratch and but rolled and cut by hand). Croissants ★★★★★ - I was so surprised that these croissants came out great!!! Mainly because I really messed up the dough in the begginning (I measured it incorrectly because recipe is in cups and I sometimes miscount how many cups of flour I already put in), but BOY WAS I DELIGHTED WHEN IT TURNED OUT SUPER WELL. It was so delicous and pretty easy (takes a while do to the rises you have to do). I still have half of it in my freezer :)

[themessyhand]

13. Murakami took my soul

I am starting my third book by Haruki Murakami titled The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. Like the previous books by Murakami, it has sucked my soul. I break away from the book to get off the bus and it seems the world has changed a little. Changed because I read the book. Like the feelings and emotions I get from the book is transferred to my real life. It freaks me out a little every time, but I can't stop.

[themessyhand]

12. limbo, static, stagnant

These three words come to mind when I want to summarize the first two months of the new year. Nothing has really changed (well I did talk to my boss about my asshole manager). I am trying to change my situation but it somehow seems to bounce back in the same old feeling. I don't know what to do anymore.

[themessyhand]

11. new year who dis

Its offically 2017 and I am feeling a little reflective! I will save the full reflection for another post but for now, its time to set some New Year's resolutions~ I have never been so serious about resolutions until this year so I am excited to keep my resolutions: (1) Become more healthy: I am too much of a foodie to be on a type of diet but I plan to be more active. (2) Learn how to drive (3) Grow and become a person I want to be: I have spent much of the last moments of 2016 hating myself. Its a cycle where I realize I am not a good person and thats why I am lonely and so on and so forth. (4) Be smarter about my money: This one is going to be hard considering I probably spent tons on money these past few days (on Korean skincare, a cute MCM wallet, food, etc.), but I will try my best!!! I think to better achieve all four goals I need to keep the list short. I can achieve whatever I set my mind on.

[themessyhand]

10. makeup

I thought I would follow up my skincare post with a post about makeup. To be honest, I have very little holy grail make up products and I am still trying to find ones that really fit my skin. I also do not use any brushes to do face make up (eyes yes but not face), but opt out for sponges (including the puffs that come with Korean cushions). I also think I wear make up for really long time due to my work schedule. That being said, I will just list the products instead of using catagories: -Urban Decay Naked Concealer (I used to love the NARS one and I still like it, but UD's is a little better) -Chanel CC Cream (I have used mostly Korean face makeup and did not expect to find this gem) -Innisfree No Sebum Powder (say goodbye to oily nose--the oiliest part of my face) -Etude House Face Conditioning Cream (I use this as a primer and I believe it works well for me--I prefer to have a moisturized face vs. a matt one) -Urban Decay Naked 3 Palette (pink shades are love love love) -Dior Lip Glow (I love the color it gives my lips and the color stays even if the balmy part is gone, cannot live without!) Yup, thats all I got.

[themessyhand]

09. skincare

A part of me really wants to be a beauty youtuber because I would love to share my skincare hacks and routines, but who am I kidding? I am not very knowledgable in skincare (more knowledgable than most friends tho). However, to entertain myself, I wanted to do a post on my current skin condition and products, teehee. Lets start my skin journey: I was one of those lucky people in high school who did not have to care about acne. My skin was close to perfect with a pimple once in a while and I didn't even care about make up (dabbed a little in that in the last year of high school due to Soompi). During college, I had a roommate who was very into skincare and make up and Michelle Phan plus YouTube became a bigger thing (plus I had fast internet int the dorms). I get sucked in and I bought tons of make up and started a skincare regime. Skin continued to do nicely until Sophomore summer when small little bumps appeared on my skin (even my dad asked me about them and I now realize that it was clogged pores). Thus begins the cycle of summer breakouts and winter cool downs. My skin now is okay, no major breakouts but tons of scars from pimples. After so much frustration with my skin, let me tell you want has been working: Cleansers -Shu Uemura Porefinist Cleansing Oil (been using this for 4 years now and I have tried Tatcha's cleansing oil and Amore Pacific's, but both cannot compare) -Pore Cleansing Jelly Pad (I bought this one 4 years ago as well based on a YouTuber's recommendation--I forget who--and stopped using it for a while but I am back on it now and I think it does wonders for my pores) -Honorable Mentions: Laura Mercier Flawless Polish & Drunk Elephant JuJu Bar (both I use as morning cleansers) Toners -Hada Labo Gokujyun Lotion (wonderful 2nd toner, yes I use two toners, but I haven't found any holy grails except this one-- that being said I have used the very expensive SK-II essence and I haven't seen a big difference; I have also used the Sekkisei toner and not sure if it caused my pores to clog or what) Serums -Drunk Elephant TLC Serum (really helped clear my Sophomore summer acne) -Sunday Riley Good Genes (ah-mazing seriously the best) Moisturizers -Su:m37 White Award Ultimate Whitening Ampoule in Cream (found this through meejmuse of YouTube and thought it was amazing especially for winter time) -Banila Co. Miss Flower & Mr. Honey Cream (found this through joankeen of YouTube and omg so heavenly for winter as well; in terms of day time moisturizers I have no strong feelings on any of the ones I have tried so far) Treatments -Mario Badescu line (all their acne treatment has been great at diminishing acne including cystic ones) -Indie Lee Blemish Stick (a gem I found in Anthropologie and is great for daywear or wearing under make up as it is clear unlike Mario Badescu's line) I have also adapted facial massage in the morning (though I am pretty sure its supposed to be a night thing) and beauty videos are what I watch on YouTube these days. I also highly recommend splashing your face with cold cold water after cleansing to close pores. My favorite Youtubers on skincare are mentioned in links on the sidebar.

[themessyhand]

08. emotionally drained

With tomorrow, I will have taken two days off from work. I am so done. Emotionally done. I have not been emotionally done with things in a while. Last time... it was my housemates? But that was managable since I just stayed out of my apartment as often as possible. Work, on the otherhand, is unavoidable mess. Honestly, lots of people at my work have a problem with my boss, but I don't. He is pretty nice and I understand why I need to do things for him. However, I have been constantly having problems with my coworkers. Where do I begin? Wait, do I have entries on this?? Nope, just checked, I don't, but looking back, I know I started this blog because my coworkers was sucking my soul. I honestly think this job has made me feel isolated and shitty as a person. I have become a shittier person. I hate it. I hate how I feel right now. Let me detail everything from the start... In the beginning, I was hopeful about this job. I just ended my Asia trip (which had its ups and downs) and was cleaning my apartment. I thought I was ready for something big. Looking back, I wish I didn't apply for a job so soon. I believe I needed more rest to fully prepare myself for a full time job. I got the job on the spot after the interview and I was thrilled. EMPLOYMENT YASSSSSS! I met 5 people in the interview and they all seemed nice. On the first day, I found out my assumption was wrong. Not completely wrong because they were nice but not friendly AT ALL. They rarely said hi to me and didn't invite me to lunch. This happened for a whole month. They were cliquey and I hated it. It was the worst. Like does asking me if I wanted coffee such a hard thing to do? I would have said no but even I asked them if they wanted coffee when I went out of politeness. They could not extend their hands to include me. It felt like hell until I started to talk to the law clerk to sat across from me. That went well but then he stopped talking to me after I moved desks. That semi-devestated me but I was like "oh well... what can I do?" I cried once at the the bus stop because of this isolation. Exclusion continues but then I started getting kinda included. I thought wow ok this is alright until I realized they gossiped a little too much for my liking. They were nice to people they constantly ranted about and I couldn't help but think they were like that to me too. My boss goes on vacation and the other assistant manipulates me into getting in trouble. Tells me its ok to leave early but I just get into trouble while she does whatever she wants. She has consistently get into the office later than me, took all the breaks she wanted, and left earlier than me. I usually worked half an hour more than I am paid to and I didn't mind until my office manager started bitching at me about it. Really? You going to let the other girl slide?

[themessyhand]

07. tired

I am drained of energy these days. I don't know what to do to renew my energy, but I need to change this feeling soon. I took on a job at ShareTea. I am also about to start actively volunteering. WHAT TO DO? Everyday I just want to sleep and do nothing but watch videos. *sighhhhh* Self, you can do this.

[themessyhand]

06. fights

A record-breaking second post, y'all... who knew I could write so much?? Yesterday I got seriously annoyed at a supervisor at the boba shop I worked at. I wanted to write this down because this seems to be like a theme for me nowadays: fights. Hear me out. Basically, I've worked with her before and she rarely talks to me. She is constantly telling other people what to tell me even though I am near her. I am thinking maybe she is shy, maybe she doesn't want to deal with noobs. Fine I understand but then last time I worked with her: I heard her telling my manager (who is conveniently her bf) that I was too slow at doing cashier. He responds that she can just move me to another station. I admit I am not the fastest when it comes to doing cashier, but its a combination of my lack of skills and some really difficult customers (changing orders, etc.). I wish she would give me tips or just move me because talking about me when you know I am in earshot is like a bitch move. Those kind of girls who talk super loudly to be heard on purpose when talking smack. I brushed that off when it happened. Whatever. But then yesterday, she did it again and I was like... WTF. Basically I made plans with friends to eat dinner at 6:30 pm and I end my shift at 6pm. I did mostly cashier and knew that someone had to count. I didn't mind counting because I believed it was my job to count the money after my shift, but I have seen other people ask others to count it (I did it once for a girl and have seen another girl ask a guy to do it). I didn't know it was an ABSOLUTE MUST. Anyways, the other girl who did a little cashier with me asked me towards the end of my shift if I wanted to count the money. I said sure and asked if I could count soon (this was half an hour before my shift ended). She said no and that I had to wait for my shift to end. I told her I could not, I made plans and had to leave asap and asked her to count it. She said okay. I thought I had it covered. Towards the end of my shift, the next cashier came (a friendly guy I've worked with before) and I asked him if he could count it for me. I told him my situation and he counted it. As he was counting it, I hear that girl supervisor talk to my manager again: "look she is making him count it, blah blah blah." My manager doesn't relay anything back to me and I think he is busy trying to calm her down. Later he does confront me and I kind of just tell them that I need to leave (at the same time, the next cashier already finished counting, my manager tells his gf to do cashier to cover because I was supposed to be off but she is super reluctant so I just did it). I don't want to be seen as a slacker so I go talk to my boss who happens to be sitting closeby. I told her what happened and it turns out they don't know how to manage or train people. She said that the next cashier and my shift overlapped 30 mins before mine ended so I could have time to count the money. I told her that the next cashier today did not come in until close to 6 pm. She told me in that situation, I was supposed to tell the supervisor to cover me as I did it. Lets see, I asked the girl who is bffs with the supervisor girl if I could count 30 mins before my shift ended and she said no. So I tried to get it done but no one told me how it was supposed to work. That supervisor girl could have just told me I was supposed to count and I would have explained. Nope, she is just one of those girls who complains outloud to her bf and can't use her own voice to confront situations. Why am I stuck with her. I might get a earfull at work tomorrow but I guess I shouuld be more apologetic to avoid future problems.

[themessyhand]

05.

I have not written in this blog for a whole month. Haha, talk about keep a journal. Well, I am trying to write right now so that counts for something. November was a rough month for me. I got into a fight with a girl at work. I got into a fight with my brother and my mom. I contemplated suicide. Nevertheless, I pulled through and added a part time job at a boba place as well. It is seriously tiring and I kind of regret starting that part time job but I've met some really nice people there! The people I meet there are in such a high contrast with the people at work. Is it a age thing? I don't know. I just feel tired all the time, but can't wait to fly down to LA to see my fav girl. Fun times awaits me as I hurdle through the hard ones. GO GURL GO!!! Also, will finish my bff story from last entry soon.

[themessyhand]

04. moonlight ponderings

It has been such a long time since I have been up this late and actually awake. I am usually a zombie by this time and fast asleep on my bed, tired from the day events (mainly work). I don't dream much anymore, but on a side note, I dreamed about not being able to purchase and devour brownie bites last night. Anyways, I am still trying to make a commitment with this blog and decided to write about a problem... would I really call it a problem? It is something tugging on my soul, so yes, a problem. The problem stems from my relationship with my two "BFFs" that I have had since high school (the quotations will be explained as this post goes one). These two people were instrumental throughout my college life. I have made some good friends and cool people in college, but these two were my backbone. I only saw them a few times each year due to the fact that we did not go to the same college (both were in SoCal). I cherished every moment I spent with them whether it was enjoying good food or talking deeply about our lives. It always felt like we never parted ways at all when we met and I loved that feeling-- knowing someone will always be in your life and can be counted on. The type of people that would be your bride maids for your dream wedding. It was not until recently when this concept was shattered in my brain. This disillusionment did not happen instantly but through a series of events and my own dealings with the situation. Darn it, I am feeling my zombie mode coming on. I'll continue this tomorrow.

[themessyhand]

03. reading, lots of it

These past few weeks I have been escaping to another world. The world of Haruki Murakami that is. I already finished my first novel from him called Sputnik Sweetheart. I didn't know what to expect at first other than I think he's quite popular nowadays and it should be above average. I finished The Girl on the Train a few weeks before that and I really liked it. Or so I thought. Sputnik Sweetheart blew that book out of the water. Murakami is a great narrator with a very distinct style. His characters are so interesting and deep... in a nonconventional way. I can't explain properly how good his writing is, but I AM ON MY SECOND BOOK!!

[themessyhand]

02.

Things are beginning to look up. There are still bad days. Thoughts lingering in my head. Anyways, I just finished Nerve the movie and I LOVED IT!! The concept of the game is really good.

[themessyhand]

01.

Its my first entryyyyyyy!!!! I am still unsure if this journal will actually be carried out long ter for two reasons: 1. I am terrible at keeping journals. I have tried so so SO many times to keep a consistent journal, but have failed miserably. Honestly, I wish I was better at complete projects such as journals (ha, perhaps zodiac is right about this trait of people born under my sign-- but I'll discuss this another time), but the lack of strong incentives (you know, if I was given a grade or money for this), life gets so busy sometimes, and I get lazy... 2. It is scary writing my feelings on a tangible surface because it means these emotions are real. These feelings, especially the negative ones, are hard for me to accept. I want so bad to me a bundle of sunshine. A realistic bundle of sunshine with negative feelings but not the dark ones. The ones that make me cringe as I think of them, the ones I will tell no one about, the ones that make me wonder if I am worthy of living and breathing in this privileged life... So should I really be journaling? I also have some reasons that I should be starting (and keeping) this journal: 1. I don't always have someone to talk about my life. I love my friends and my homegurl but I don't want to bother them forever. 2. I need to process these events and feelings, so journaling could be helpful. 3. I can refine my writing through journaling. Well for now, I will continue to do this until... I don't?

[themessyhand]

Introduction

I used to journal a long long time ago and I know its been a great esape for me. Now I am thinking of starting again. Life is a rollercoaster--one I love riding--but sometimes, I need an outlet. This will be messy I know.