themidnightgoth

[themidnightgoth]

U not supposed to understand me just enjoy the experience baby

[themidnightgoth]

from "The Letters of Vincent Van Gogh" (c. 5-6 September 1889)

[themidnightgoth]

May 8 | The Casa | Downpour

I started a new job today on a snorkel tour boat. We take our guests and serve them rum punch. We go to two different beaches and then bring them back to shore. It’ll be a little time for me to get my footing, but I am excited for when I do. The new challenge of navigating in a place I am unfamiliar with will prove to be good for me once more.

I currently am working three jobs, the newest one not even included, and making ok money but learning and seeing the world in new ways.

A couple days ago a women (older, 50s?, likely an alcoholic) flashed her tits at me unprovoked at the coffeeshop&bar I work at. I wasn’t even working I was just hanging out at the counter like a customer and she wrangled me and this other group of people on an adventure to a swim gear store. I only went because she kept asking and I really didn’t have much going on that day up until that point. She did buy me a bikini and then vanished. Turns out the other people she brought were all crew on a yacht together. We went and got margs together and they ended up inviting me to hang out on the yacht!

Blah blah whatever I just want to talk about how it felt to be out on a dingy under the stars with a boy that was cute and wants to live deep in the African bush on a farm. He reminded me of Steve Irwin and that made him attractive to me. Tall too. Didn’t try to make any moves on me either which I liked. Though I was high enough that touch would have felt good. I haven’t been with anyone since October. It’s actually been so nice but from time to time I get horny and miss having someone to be intimate with. That said, I am in no rush. I have been thankful for the time I have been spending with myself and friends. I have made so many friends! It’s freeing. I don’t feel so alone and small anymore. I still get shy and bit nervous over myself, especially around guys. I really want to gain more confidence and feel more secure when I am around them. I just get kinda bumbly or quiet. I guess it’s mainly because I don’t like most of them. I’m not in a place where there are an abundance of strapping young bachelors mind you. I have just found out how few the good ones are and that’s why you’ve got to hold onto them.

All good things come with time. I’ll find my flirtatious footing and also meet a sweet guy who makes me feel safe. Lindsay’s old friend Max was in town last week. He’s a park ranger in the Everglades and an awesome artist. He’s got a big smile and a lot of kind things to say. He taught me about so many of the plants around our house too! Being around him made me realize just how important it is to feel safe around someone and thankful to be able to hang out with someone so cool!

A lot of days I’m not sure of myself but I do know I like the people who are around me, and I think that means I am doing something correct.

My age has been coming up in my head a lot. It’s strange because I go through my day to day life feeling like an absolute baby. What am I supposed to be like at 23? Am I doing it right? Yet I have also had a new thing happen where sometimes I think am 25 just for a moment in my mind. It’s all mixed up in there. Is that how age will always be? I think I should just forget about the numbers and see what happens.

I probably do need to find an outlet for my boy desires though because it’s getting a little embarrassing. I feel like a total nun. Is everyone in the world getting it but me?

My life has been so busy and full. Friends staying in our tiny apartment making it feel full. Rituals where our days start with coffee at the local nonprofit we have made ourselves regulars at and ends with a joint on our stoop, a 3ft by 12in concrete slab in front our door that sits on the city street. It’s scary sometimes. Last week was a giant festival and we were just a couple blocks away from all the parades and parties. 2 nights in a row someone got shot in the village, a 5 min walk from our home. We had been there multiple nights with our friends. It goes without saying, violence and death are an undercurrent of life here that goes unspoken. The employee I was hired to replace was murdered and it was never solved.

Yet in the chaos of it all, I feel stronger in myself than I maybe ever have. I am stable. Mentally healthier than I’ve ever seen myself.

Okay I have to get off, I’m about to get dropped off for my second job of the day!

[themidnightgoth]

self portrait

[themidnightgoth]

“how did you get into writing” girl nobody gets into writing. writing shows up one day at your door and gets into you

[themidnightgoth]

I’ve never belonged anywhere I’m always just in between

[themidnightgoth]

it’s so hard to choose my fav smoke spots but i love the diversity in these 🥹

[themidnightgoth]

I noticed the audio for the video “[AMV] Jon Arbuckle - You’re Gonna Go Far Kid” was taken out so I edited it back in

[themidnightgoth]

This is what Rasputin would've wanted.

[themidnightgoth]

...no I did not eat a frog

forget frog in your throat it sounds like there is a frog in my belly

[themidnightgoth]

forget frog in your throat it sounds like there is a frog in my belly

[themidnightgoth]

okay but shout out to the sprouts worker whose mouth tasted like spinach in the most refreshing way we had the real cottagecore dream

[themidnightgoth]

some of you need to sit down and make a rock friend

[themidnightgoth]

wait you guys are having thoughts?

me thinking about thoughts i have that i thought up with my mind that im thinkin rn 

[themidnightgoth]

losing my virginity to Hamilton on Disney plus be back later