themindscapeofthetroubleteen - Tumblr blog

[themindscapeofthetroubleteen]

The beginning

Hi, I'm nameless. however, that's not important. what is important is that you are reading this and this is my means of escape.

This is my safe place and by you continuing to read you assume all liability to your own feelings. this is not meant for attention this isn't for anything other than to create something out of the things that have destroyed, not only me but the things that surround me. Welcome to my mind.

Welcome to The MindScape of The Troubled Teen.

So to start off I want to give you a bit of information about myself, I am 23. yes, I know I'm not much of a teen but the events I write about are mostly from my teen years.

I love myself don't get me wrong, but it took me so very very fucking long to get to this point in my life and I want to share. hopefully, you are also working towards this as well if your reading this please take a moment to annalize how you feel about yourself. 

Really think about it and then get back to this story.

Okay, now that you are back. let's start with my childhood.

as a child, I grew up in what I thought was a normal family. growing up is hard. Especially when you have no clue how troubled you are from the start. Especially when you thought that the world was at your fingers.

Growing up is like you slowly lose the rose-colored glasses we all as children have born glued to our eyes.  it's like watching a wedding veil thin and thin until finally, reality pulls back from our face.. the lace, with the biggest smile, as it says... Till Death Do Us Part.

I grew up in a middle-class family for the first few years of my life. I never knew drugs were going to ruin that for me. until well off in my teenage years. 

My family went through a lot, after growing up around a neighborhood of kids always at my house. After going for 15 years in the same school. everything changed. growing up my family was perfect to me. I hated my sister but what siblings didn't hate each other growing up. (not to spoil anything but we are rather close these days.)

I was a middle kid, so I got the lesser attention of the group. my sister was the typical preggo at sixteen story with a highschool sweetheart. I was the shut out who didn't have a sense of identity. Mostly because from a young age I knew I was a girl but was forced to shut it out, every little thing I would do that was remotely femme was considered disgusting and " boys don't do that".

I hated shopping because I was never allowed to get the clothes I liked and was shamed for it. I hated sports because I was forced into them.

 all I wanted to do was listen to music, style hair and makeup, and really just play with anything artsy. I remember loving going to my cousin's house to play because she always had the toys I wanted. I wanted the Bratz dolls I wanted to play with all of her toys from the little mermaid bath toys to the cinderella movies. I just couldn't let go of that as a teen. I hated that I felt so shamed from a young age to be myself.

my sister and her friend group were much older and they loved that I would let them make me over, paint my nails and do my eyeliner and straighten my hair. Little did they know how much it meant to me.

maybe they thought it was cool or weird. sometimes it would be the laugh of the group. I didn't care. they let me be myself and encouraged it. whether it was to poke fun or they sincerely didn't think twice about it. it meant the world to me because it was the only time I could be myself.

My sister still to this day probably doesn't think back to this much or at all, but I think of it fondly and religiously.

I remember specifically one day as a very young child I walked down to the closest dollar general. which was actually over a mile from my house but as a kid I was left to the supervision of my sister. which wasn't fair of her and I don't blame her at all for half the shit I did. It wasn't her responsibility. anyways back to what I was saying I walked down to the dollar store to steal an Ariel wig headband that I would wear swimming because I was obsessed with mermaids.

 sorry, I know I'm everywhere but it's hard for me to start sharing because, well there's just so much to share.

I guess what I'm saying is there are a lot of stories and thoughts that have been begging to be released and its time I let them out. its time that I release whats been strangling me and keeping me from living my life fearlessly.

if you've gotten this far maybe I've piqued your interest. maybe this can become a way for you to get to know me better.  because many of you know of me but almost none know me.

even the people I told were closest to me know nothing of my life. not many cared really.

they say they care but wait for the moment to seize control of the conversation and change the subject.

I'm not saying that its anyone's responsibility to care or to listen by all means if you don't care then don't worry about my story.

but never the less. my story will be told.

until the next writing session, I send love.