themindthatwanders-blog1

[themindthatwanders-blog1]

I don’t want to let him go. But we just did. I really really really wanna cry so bad.

[themindthatwanders-blog1]

This pandemic really had a great impact on my life. Until now, while it still exists, my mental health is really put into strenuous test.

It’s 2:31am here Manila time, and I’m laying on the couch typing this while also try to figure out how will I be able to cope up with this sadness.

I’ve been seeing a guy that I really like at the beginning of 2020. We dated, I fell in love with his thoughtfulness. He always makes sure my phone has enough battery for me to be able to update him on. Y whereabouts. He always brings his black power bank so he can charge my phone whenever he sees me. His simple thoughtfulness struck my core. Fast forward, we dated for a year and we went through the lockdown and pushed our feelings to 2021.

He proposed to me if he could be my boyfriend, with all these little cute surprises and I was really crying inside, during my trip way home, and even when I got to bed. I never really felt loved this way. It’s the first time that someone really cared this way for me. With my past relationships, it was always me that gives more. But this time, these simple gestures from him really melted my heart.

So I said yes, officially. And that really made me the happiest on earth. I guess it’s really true that you really feel the happiest when you feel that you matter so much to someone that matters so much to you. His text messages makes my day... his voice over the phone makes my heart jump, and hearing him fall asleep and his snores was music to my ears.

We had so many ups and downs, but we always make sure we fix it before we sleep. And that’s what I adore about him. His flaws, his perfections, and all that’s in between.

But this pandemic has been really testing everything. And with everything that’s happening, we decided to call it off and it broke my heart so much... and I know it broke his heart too... and until now, my heart is still aching and everyday that God has made, I never felt this empty and lonely... to the point that I cannot keep up with the loneliness and sadness I’m feeling.

I still long for his attention, for his good morning messages that completes my day. And now, I just can’t simply do anything about it because he’s no longer mine... and I wish I still do.

Ever since the breakup, my everyday life has been sad, and I lost interest in doing things. I just want to lie down. And for work, just to get things done, and make it a distraction so I don’t think about it...

But come these times that I am left alone with myself, the sadness creeps in and I am scared that it’s eating me up and me wanting to cope up never really happens.

I’ve always wanted to be a loyal, loving, and ideal boyfriend to someone. I want to take care of someone, male them happy as they make me happy too.

Give me 100 love and I’ll repay that a thousand fold. And it makes me sad to see myself this way right now. I’m really lonely, I miss someone so much... and my heart aches deeply.

But all I can do right now is wish him well.

<\3

[themindthatwanders-blog1]

Sometimes you’re just too tired to function as a human person.