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Report: Absolutely Nothing Can Go Wrong
May 23rd, 2017 - According to a recent report by leading scientists in the field, nothing is going to go wrong. In the newly published study “Examining Causal Probabilities in Relativistic and Quantum Occurrences,” experts have concluded that despite seemingly valid concerns, any fears from here on out are completely unfounded. Dr. Eric Helmer, the head of the project, stated that “Everyone should get a grip and calm down. Things are fine, and that’s not going to change.” At the time of publishing, Dr. Helmer was reportedly seen being approached from behind by an alien previously assumed to be dead.
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U.S. Women’s Collective Advances Rejected by Mike Pence
May 22nd, 2017 - According to recent reports, women across the nation have reportedly been seen flinging themselves at Vice President Mike Pence in hopes of developing romantic relationships. Several women have been confirmed to have attempted to arrange lunch with Pence under the pretenses of dealing with important projects of national security. Even more concerning, many of America’s females have been spotted using the excuse of seeking equal rights in an attempt to “begin a conversation” with Pence. Fortunately, Pence has apparently rejected such advances so far.
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