thepearlescentdragon

[thepearlescentdragon]

I do have this little thrifted round wooden table I don’t use anymore.

Hmmm.

Really want (need, honestly) a TARDIS console in my house somewhere.

I’m not very handy though. Wonder if that’s something I could pay someone else to do

If I try to do my own it’d just be a custom one with random features. If I commissioned it I’d have it be a replica of an actual show console, just don’t know which one.

[thepearlescentdragon]

Really want (need, honestly) a TARDIS console in my house somewhere.

I’m not very handy though. Wonder if that’s something I could pay someone else to do

If I try to do my own it’d just be a custom one with random features. If I commissioned it I’d have it be a replica of an actual show console, just don’t know which one.

[thepearlescentdragon]

Ok, all good. Cried a lot which was a first. Talked about my "normie" mental health issues first, but also opened up about the Time Lord feelings some more in therapy and it helped. Got some useful advice for taking baby steps for approaching grieving old companions/friends/etc. I guess part of my issue was that I was looking for permission to feel the things I was already feeling before I would allow myself to do anything about them. Without permission or approval, I was stagnating and just trying not to think about it (and failing).

That's yet another thing I need to unpack, but at least now I can start.

Have I mentioned that I appreciate having a therapist who's an alterhumanity ally? 'cuz I do.

[thepearlescentdragon]

I've never cried in therapy before because I'm hell bent on keeping my composure.

I think that's going to change today. I can't stop the waterworks and my session isn't for another hour.

[thepearlescentdragon]

Hey so like I love you guys. All of you who follow this dumb blog regardless of your level of interaction.

Thanks for being cool. My life would be a lot worse without knowing that chill people like y’all exist.

And I do mean all of you

[thepearlescentdragon]

Hey. You.

Kiss some dragons.

Life is too short not to kiss dragons.

[thepearlescentdragon]

I think part of the problem with people misunderstanding fictionkin is that for the average person, relating to a character is the only way they can conceptualize connecting with said character.. I’ve talked to people in my life about being fictionkin, for the most part it’s not relatable, which is fine, I don’t need to be understood to be respected.

When it comes to things people don’t understand, one response is to project their own experiences onto it. This makes it hard to point out the misunderstanding, because they’ve made the topic about them.

I get frustrated trying to explain what being fictionkin is for this reason. Relatability for me is part of it, but not the whole story, and required deep introspection. I find that since I’m a horror villain, I have to really emphasize that relatability is not how I discovered this about myself. Instead it was the constant shifts, and the euphoria I got being seen as Freddy that drew me to this conclusion .

I want to be clear that I’m not trying to excuse the KFF community, instead I want to examine why people often get fictionkin so wrong.

[thepearlescentdragon]

they call me the fearer. on account of having incredibly hyperespecific fears that could never ever come true. ever :}

[thepearlescentdragon]

Greg wants to go see fuckin’ Shayfer James live again. We JUST went, dawg. I’m not made of money.

It was a great show though.

[thepearlescentdragon]

Dreading my therapy session. It got pushed back like four times because of emergencies and schedule conflicts, so I have several extra weeks of BS to work through in 1 hour. Or at least prioritize what’s hurting most right now. Which is… Kind of everything?

They know about my different kinds of identity funk and help me deal with it - but it never stops feeling cringe. Then there’s the species dysphoria for All Of My Types at once + the gender dysphoria + the horrors of being trans in America. And of course we spawned a new systemmate during a really bad stretch and that’s going to be a whole thing again at least until he adjusts.

We had several phobia triggers because of tornado season. And I’m becoming more isolated than ever because I can’t stay calm long enough to socialize. But I need to socialize or I start focusing on my stressors too much.

I have set up my socials to feed me less triggering shit until I work through it for now. it’s just been a fucking mess overall.

Some useful goals and tasks to complete will be a relief though, even if I REALLY don’t want to do this session. I need the structure to get me back under control. And I need to remind myself this much malfunction and discord is temporary. Sometimes I forget the waves of misery are only individual waves, not the whole damn ocean.

[thepearlescentdragon]

"Feeling like you're an animal/having a fursona is fine!! Unless you're into it sexually/have sex involving it/draw that fursona having sex! Then you're disgusting :/"

You are, yet again, complaining about people doing things that don't harm anyone because it involves sex. Go clutch your pearls somewhere else and do some soul-searching, it might be good for you.

[thepearlescentdragon]

Had a dream that an explicitly non-binary+androgynous regeneration of the master with a Missy-esque reform thing going in, saved us from someone trying to crash the moon into earth

For some reason the moon being so close caused a massive tornado. The sky above my home was pitch black and a children’s amusement park ride that was flying around in the tornado crashed into my house (among other things)

And because I guess my brain can’t help but feel endless guilt, the solution in the dream was the master confronting the villain responsible and sacrificing themself to fix this and save us.

I need a new brain.

[thepearlescentdragon]

Reblog if you're not human.

[thepearlescentdragon]

I definitely don’t say it enough but Yaz was pretty fucking great wasn’t she

[thepearlescentdragon]

Knowing that I’m basically crashing out in the corner over a corny sci fi show because my brain is wired wrong will never stop being embarrassing

But a bitch has to get the feelings out somehow, and I figure anyone spending time here knows I’m not really put together very well at this point

TLDR I’m annoying and I know it but thank you all for not killing me with hammers about it

[thepearlescentdragon]

I think it’s also time to make good on my recent urge to go to the gym regularly.

I may not be able to run from my problems anymore - but I guess I can move my body to channel them constructively?

Might help ground me to think about how my body feels in response to movement and stimuli. To focus on where I am and what I’m doing.

I know sitting at my desk being angry at myself and some British writer like this certainly isn’t gonna do that for me so why not?

[thepearlescentdragon]

It’s going to be a very hard 2 years for me.

Just sitting here, miserable and waiting for a resolution for what the fuck happened last week.

For two years.

Possibly longer.

Fans will move on to their other hobbies, or other media within this hobby, until it comes back and they can see the rest of the story.

I won’t get to move on because I have a level of personal investment in this situation most people do not have. I can’t run from it because now it’s INSIDE me, all the time. It’s part of who I am. There is no running from yourself.

So I have to sit with this, with all the implications, with my understanding my identity up in the air more than ever before. I will have to see her face and hear her name over and over again until further notice. And it’ll be a barrage of “OMG ROSE TYLER” and “UGH ROSE TYLER.” Which means that to me, it’ll just be a barrage of her name, and every mention is a dagger in my side. It’s a reminder of me FUCKING UP. And this time I can’t run from it.

I understand both perspectives. Because I feel both perspectives simultaneously. Some people are gonna like Rose Tyler. That’s fine. Some people are sick of Rose Tyler. That’s also fine. (Do I think it was a bad call for the show, as a fan? Yes, I honestly do.)

My heart strings are tugged because I see someone I loved so much. But I’m angry. I am so angry. I am furious. I want to scream because I’m so frustrated. I want to kick something and shout about how unfair this is but I can’t because that’s unreasonable and no one would understand why this bothers me so much. And I can’t expect them to. I don’t know if it’s reasonable to feel any of this. I’m not sure I care if it is reasonable.

But what do I do? Is temporarily leaving the fandom really my only option right now? Leaving would stop the noise but it also means leaving the comforting parts behind and they’re all I have to help me deal with this.

God, I really need some air.