theperfectlyunstable

[theperfectlyunstable]

rt #83 - my visualization of the june 12, 1946 day of independence thru architecture

As I am shy on sharing my arts on social media, let me share one here instead, where nobody else can see.

The architecture of the Philippines following World War II has been strongly influenced by the modern architecture of the United States, as compared to Southeast Asian and European influences. There are considered to be two distinctive models of traditional Philippine architecture for the Filipinos: bahay kubo and bahay na bato. The bahay kubo is the most indigenous domestic house on the country before the European interference.

The bahay kubo is a raised hut resembling a “floating mass”, similar to traditional Malaysian huts and other traditional tropical huts in South-east Asia. This particular stilted design of bahay kubo was used by the Mangyan ethnic group of community; which was considered to be the original, untouched race of Filipinos.

This picture shows a community of twelve (12) houses away from the shore of the Philippine islands with seventeen (17) Filipino people residing within it, the seventeen people represents the seventeen regions in the Philippines. Twelve houses because June 12 is my best choice from rationalizing between the two dates.

The bamboo path represents the chronological June 1946 timeline, meaning that they're twelve houses away from reaching the Philippine shore and twelve days away from declaring the Independence. Residing on the waters is a metaphor for being held and captive by the Spaniards, also because the Spaniards discovered our territory by travelling on the waters.

Also, on those 12 houses, there are only two boats left, which is a symbol for the abused and Filipinos that are being taken advantage by the higher power.

Made on SketchUp 2020, Rendered on Lumion Pro 8.0

[theperfectlyunstable]

rt #82 - my own rationalization between June 12 and July 4 as our own country’s day of independence

As I'm continuing to do my own research, I found out that there's a huge online argument whether to set June 12 or July 4 as the official Independence Day of the Philippines.

June 12, 1898 was the day Emilio Aguinaldo waves the Philippine flag at the Aguinaldo Shrine's facade and declare the independence that the Filipinos longed for under the Spaniard's dictatorship, but as time goes by, many colonizers and political regimens have come to us and returned us to the cage that we've suffered for three (3) centuries, and that was until the Philippines gained complete freedom from the cruel handling of the United States on July 4, 1946, through the Tydings-McDuffie Act.

As I'm self-educating myself through several articles, forums and web videos, I have decided to choose June 12 as our official Independence date.

As my research goes, the United States has no other reason to intentionally set the date of our Independence Day to July 4 other than to just replicate the day the United States also gained their own freedom. In my own perspective, if this date officially becomes the independence day, we'll just go and continue to live under the shadow of United States - a second copy, knowing that our own country's independence was just the same as the day that the United States gained independence from the British colonizers.

July 12 was a historical date for the Filipinos, as it celebrates the Filipinos' own victories from its own 300-year long suffering. It was the day that every Filipinos nationwide joined forces and united to take a stand against the tyranny. Although the declaration of Independence lacked territory and sovereignty as we're still under due to technicalities, it was the one that started it all. It was the day that built a foundation as the Filipinos gain right to take a step forward onto complete freedom.

In the case of “4th of July” as our date of Independence, I'm close to seeing it as just another way of western influential interference, letting themselves be a part of something that actually has no connection to their own customs. Is that what we want as Filipinos, as people of color, knowing that our own date of independence is just a replicated day that Americans gained their own freedom? Our independence date should be about us, our people, our own history, our own individuality, our own struggles, our own hardships, and it should never be about the oppressors and their political agendas.

And July 4, 1776 - the day America declared its independence from England is also seven (7) years earlier from September 3, 1783 - when they formally recognized their country’s independence, yet the Americans chose to celebrate July 4 as it was the true day they have gained their freedom, with reservations or not.

Shouldn't we also do the same?

[theperfectlyunstable]

random thoughts #81 - social gaslighting and peer pressure

hey anonymous readers...this might become a controversial entry so let me put a disclaimer meme in advance.

social media is great, we all know that already at this point. everything is now easier and far more accessible; breaking news, updates on your interests, following celebrities, talking to your friends and getting your opinions heard. it is now easier and life has gotten better because we already have this much power in our hands.

now let me drop a cliché and say "with great power, comes great responsibility"...but most people do not know (or do not want to know) is "with great responsibility, comes great peer pressure"

i don't know, this is something that's bothering me lately, and this is the reason why i spent less time on twitter in the first place.

cancel culture is still a thing. right? and believe it or not, it exists on a smaller scale too.

and that thing has made a lot of people "gaslighters". shoving opinions on other people's throat and pressuring them to follow on their "idealized" superior side...and most of the time, people submit.

not because they think it's the "correct" thing to do, but because they're scared of being looked down by people—strangers, friends, family, close relatives, acquaintances. people are scared of losing their connections and people's respect for them, people are scared of losing the reputation and image that they've built for years.

and i don't like that idea.

we are now living in a world where nothing seems genuine anymore, where everyone's scared to express their unpopular opinions, an easily-manipulated world where there's no individuality left for any of us, a world where superiority complex are now thriving and people with different thoughts are now being guilt-tripped to change.

and it's sad because most of us also become a gaslighter in our own different ways, and most of the time we're unaware of it.

is that how you want the future of society to be? because i don't.

honestly, i believe people can change for the better, but i want people to realize being "correct" in their own ways, thru being educated by friends, relatives, or even their own self, not because it's the popular opinion and they're being manipulated and pressured into subscribing to a certain mindset.

and that is why, in my opinion, we should only use it as a tool to factually and calmly educate people, not to persistently gaslight other people like you're a cult member. because that's a negative downhill spiral you're gonna head yourself on.

yes, pressure makes diamonds, but not everybody wants a diamond, certainly not me.

please, always "send" responsibly.

sincerely yours,

- a former people pleaser

[theperfectlyunstable]

rt#80 - isang open letter para sa ika-159 na kaarawan ni Gat Jose Rizal (yes, another SS essay)

Gat Jose Rizal,

Una sa lahat, nais ko sanang bumati ng maligayang ika-159 na kaarawan!

Nais ko sanang magpasalamat sa sakripisyo na iyong ginawa para sa bansa. Isa kang inspirasyon para sa henerasyon ng mga Pilipinong makabayan na lumalaban para lamang marinig ang kanilang mga hinaing at mensahe.

Dahil sa'yo, natutunan ng mga Pilipino na hindi lamang karahasan ang sagot sa paghanap ng hustisya, kundi ang pagsulat at paghatid ng impormasyon para sa mga Pilipinong nasa ilalim ng propagandang ideolohiko.

Sa totoo lang, nakakasiglang isipin dahil ang iyong dalubhasang kabayanihan ay sobrang natatangi, isang napakalaking tungkulin ngunit pinili mo paring kunin para ang aming kalayaan at karapatan ay maatim.

Nais ko 'rin sanang magpasalamat dahil isa sa iyong mga naging prayoridad ay ang mga kabataang magtutuloy ng iyong mga pinaglaban at legasiya.

Nakakalungkot talagang isipin na ang pakikipaglaban para sa kalayaan ay isang walang katapusan sirkulo. Natapos man ang tatlong-siglong pang-aalipusta ng mga Kastila, ang bansa ay napapaligiran pa rin ng mga manlulupig, mga mananakop, mga taong may sariling nais at adyenda, at ang mga may nais na makitang nagdurusa at naghihirap ang mga Pilipino.

Ngunit paano 'yun, kung ang sarili mismo nating bansa ay nawalan na ng tiwala sa nasabi niyong "pag-asa ng bayan?" Paano kung ang sarili mismo nating kababayan ay ang umaalipusta sa bagong henerasyon?

Nakakalungkot dahil ang mga kabataan ay hinahamak at minamaliit ng mga mas nakakatanda, sinasabing hindi importante ang mga mensahe at aktibismo, dahil lamang sa lamang ng edad at hindi matuwid na palagay.

Hindi ba sila natuto sa'yo?

Hindi ba nila alam na ang iyong kabayanihan ay nagsimula sa isang akto ng aktibismo?

Hindi ba nila alam na ikaw ay nasa aming edad noong pumunta ka sa Espanya para gamitin ang iyong pluma sa pagsimula ng banayad na protesta?

Hindi ba nila alam na ang iyong aktibismo ang naging dahilan ng kalayaan natin sa paniniil ng mga manlulupig?

Hindi ba nila alam na dahil sa iyong mga panulat, ay nagising ang madla at namulat sa katotohanan?

Sa panahon ngayon, mas madali nang maghanap ng mga natatanging impormasyon sa mga nangyayari sa bansa, pero bakit parang mas naging mahirap rin ang gumising ng mga Pilipinong mas piniling matulog at tanggapin nalang ang harap-harapang pang-aalipusta?

Pero kahit ganoon man, huwag kang mag-alala, dahil kahit marami ang nasa ilalim ng propagandang ideolohiko, patuloy rin ang pagdami ng mga Pilipinong nagigising sa katotohanan at nagsisimula na ring umaklas sa nakasanayan.

At tulad ng isang sirkulo, kami ay patuloy na ipaglalaban kung ano ang iyong sinimulan.

Lubos na gumagalang,

theperfectlyunstable

[theperfectlyunstable]

rt#79 — an essay regarding if education should be one of our main focuses right now but was compressed to five sentences because our professor can't handle too much criticism, i think.

As i'm reading the TUP Order No. 15 s.2020, I realized that I shouldn't just express a mindful criticism—but also appreciation, because I understand that it's very hard for a large-scale university to adjust in an unexpected time like this.

TUP Order No. 15 s.2020 clearly states that they're focused on convenience for the people of university, but as much as that adjusting goes, the order might've forgot to focus on inclusivity, especially for the unprivileged students.

As much as I agree that make-up classes are still an educational necessity, I just want to know if now is really a good time for it?

COVID-19 is still going on large right now on Metro Manila, and that city was recently set on General Community Quarantine status, risking the health of Filipinos because the economy is still downhill.

We're still currently under a global crisis and there's a lot of aspects for a person to survive life at current situation; physical health, financial matters, family matters, mental health, several basic human needs and so on; and that's why I don't think adding TUP order's 'temporary solution' as one of our main priorities right now as human isn't the best decision at all.

[theperfectlyunstable]

rt#78 - why the hell am i suddenly a fan of museums?

yes, i'll admit, museums are a new thing to me. seriously, the first museum i ever visited was the national museum, at my third year at college! and honestly, it was not that much of a fun experience, there's a lot of people, it's loud, it's bright.

but there's this one empty hall, inside is a very empty room that projects a very eerie video of different types of filipinos—boxers, drag queens, children, wearing scuba while walking underwater. that was weird, but was so comforting. i contacted national museum about that, they received, but never really gave a definite information, so i just gave that up.

another incident was the time where i went on pinto art museum. again, it was loud, it was colorful, it was crowded, i just had to get away.

but there's another silent dark room in it, nobody dared to go, so i did—it's an eerie, somehow a simulation room of....i think...what it's like to have an epilepsy? i don't remember vividly, but there's a vintage, yet uncomfortable footage of a person lying in a hospital bed, shaking, having a seizure.

of course, it's nerve-wracking, but somehow, for me, it was the most memorable part of that museum. not that i'm into unnerving science videos—i hate it. but it's different when you're in a museum and not just scrolling on your twitter feed.

also, i saw the underwater video exhibit there. and sat for almost an hour and just glanced at somehow an unconventional, but somehow calming piece of media.

then suddenly, i'm starting to see the appeal of it.

but my obsession with museums really took a hit when i got the opportunity to visit metropolitan museum of manila before quarantine officially started. something about it is connecting heavily to me, it's the dark environment, the white and sturdy walls, the modern designs, the wide corridors, the huge spaces, the dramatic lightings, the deafening silence and the arts that are waiting to be interpreted by a person's wild eyes.

it's classy, it's serene, it's silent, it's unnerving, it's mysterious, it's thought-provoking, but it's somehow... calming.

i really can't explain why, but there's this one time where i just stood in a dark corridor on the second floor, looking at this abstract painting of monochromatic brush strokes. but somehow, i really felt like that was my home.

i guess that's what i love in some museums, it challenges you. it dares you to be uncomfortable. it wants you to make an interpretation out of everything that you see. it triggers you so much that the experience out of it will really get stamped in your brain.

i got so obssessed with the feeling of it, that i'm catching myself visiting google museums, and doing virtual museum tours. even though it's really great, it really doesn't have THAT exact feeling that i once had.

seriously, i really loved it. when this virus is over and cancelled, i'm gonna do another visit on met museum—the time where there's no people and there's no new events and exhibits, so i can recreate that feeling and nostalgia. except on pinto art, that's always crowded.

and also explore on my newfound interest and look for several new museums in manila area and las piñas too.

𝑓𝑖𝑛.

[theperfectlyunstable]

rt#77 - embracing being “basic”

hi anonymous readers, it's your basic white girl again.

honestly, i have this essay idea long before, but i just never got the time to write it, i don't really remember why, probably because i got lazy, stressed, or maybe on a tumblr writer's block. anyway, i'm here to tell you something, again.

so i'm watching my current favorite series, The Mindy Project, when an episode played where a man left Mindy, the main character, for being too cliché, being on a “mainstream” radar, being easily guessed, for always having a popular opinion, basically being the stereotypical basic trait.

there's this scene where he guessed that her favorite artist is Katy Perry, which really made me realize that I am kind of the same. i then went scrolling on my spotify playlists and most played songs, and 75% of them are several popular songs and artists. which made me ask myself "am i really a literal clone of your stereotypical basic girl?”

i browsed on my favorite films, and most of them are the blockbusters. i went to the people i followed on social media, and most of them are the popular artists. i looked back on my interests, and most of them are the most typical ones.

is this my personality? how am i gonna be able to be taken seriously if this is what i chose to be a preference? why didn't i choose to explore on the complex side of things? is this my peak?

then i came to a realization, that maybe this is okay? maybe there's nothing wrong with not exploring deep enough because i'm already satisfied with what i have? maybe there no more reason for me to take a dive on something better because i'm okay with being what people say...the "epitome of mediocrity"?

of course being simple and comfortable is not the problem, but the connotations on being "basic" is. the society that built itself on subtly labeling someone as "uninteresting" is the problem. a society that thrives on superiority complex is the problem.

and that is why i chose to embrace the branding "basic white girl". yes, i know all the popular songs. yes, i'm more interested in pop culture than the independent scene. should that be an issue? never in a million years.

of course staying on your comfort zone is great, and exploring on your interest is also great. but we shouldn't judge and underestimate people on their interests and life choices, because we all know all of us have the capabilities to explore, it's not that hard, but some people chose not to, because not everyone demands to be different. some are already settled. and this isn’t only because i’m defending myself, but because that was the truth.

i like ariana grande, does that make me any less of a music person? no. you love independent acts, does that make you any more of a music person? no. i love pop culture, does that make my worth any less? no. you love classical theater, does that make your worth even higher? no. i love staying in my comfort zone, you love exploring on your interests, all in all, we're just the same speck of dust in the universe.

because guess what, we're all basic. we're all sheeps. we just don't want to acknowledge it. we're all just a data in someone else's demographic count. whatever interesting things you think you have, may not be enough for somebody else to call you an interesting person, that's the irony kicking in.

in conclusion, what matters is we shouldn't force our superiority complex on each other, because somebody else will always be better than you on the things you like, somebody will always be more knowledgable than you on the interests that you chose to adopt, but that will never make your worth any less.

so.... let me be basic in peace?

[theperfectlyunstable]

rt#76 - radical acceptance

i'm sorry if i've been posting a lot today, but i'm really so inspired right now to write and share some things.

so there's this mantra that i already am following years ago, but never really have a proper name for it... it was until i heard something from lady gaga's chromatica interview, and she mentioned the concept of "radical acceptance" and when she explained it, i might've just discovered the name for that specific mantra.

so i got curious, and did a little bit of digging on my own, and radical acceptance it is.

the mantra focuses on "complete and total acceptance of anything from the depths of your soul." which honestly speaks to me a lot, because from that once-unnamed mantra, i had this thought that "to be aware, is to accept. and to accept, is to learn."

just pat yourself on the shoulder and say—"i'm a person that's been through some tough times and emotional traumas. i know it's hard but i have to push through and it shouldn't stop me from pursuing the happiness that i deserve."

of course it might take some time for you to be actually ready, but you'll get there. and once you have faced your fears, you're one step to that happiness that you deserve.

like what lady gaga said, "it's coming down on me, i'm ready, rain on me."

[theperfectlyunstable]

random thoughts #75 - literally random

you know what, i’m reinstating this random thoughts series for y’all non-existent readers. how are y’all? are y’all doing fine? are y’all self-validated? if you want to talk, i’ll always be here.... lurking, but not in a creepy way.

let me update y’all on somethings that’s happening to me lately...

okay, first of all, i’m practicing again on autocad, vray, sketchup, lumion and several architecture programs-just so i can be prepared when i finally start to look for a new job-and secure that bag. and let me tell you, it really feels good to be productive on this field again. since last year when i saw this more as a job and not a passion, which is something that you really should avoid because it will only slow you down and push you into a state of burning out, and then into a spiral.

second, i’m really starting to feel good about myself since i started caring less about people and their business. it really feels good to have the circle that really knows you and understand you. i’m not bothered about having somebody, i have a circle of friends, and that’s enough for me. i guess i'm really at the best stage of self-validation. (the irony that i'm telling this here lmao, but there it is.)

third, i’m really starting to lose weight. that was the last stage of my self-care initiative; taking care of oneself physically. but i was still too stressed to face, or even acknowledge the reality. but since quarantine happened, i seriously went from 120 kilograms to 100 kilograms-which is drastic for me. of course i’m still fat, i mean thicc, but not that much anymore, and honestly i still can’t see the difference, maybe because i can see the daily progression? also, it's been TWO months of self-control, crying, realizations, frustrations, satisfactions, but all of it is worth it in the end when you're seeing a progress.

fourth, i tried exploring musically and now i’m starting to love another music genre, do you know hauntology? it’s barely a music genre, but it’s concept is re-doing/reworking a 70s or any old song, but was distorted and cracked to create a statement, or to either calm you down or torment you. it was also made to create a sense of nostalgia, or remind you things that never even happened. an album that took me is The Caretaker’s “An Empty Bliss Beyond This World”, it’s apparently the “most mainstream” album to listen to if you want to deep dive into that genre. it’s a compilation of old 70s songs looped until it distorts progressively each track, until the mood and the album fades, which represents a person having a dementia-there’s regret, denial, until you just accept that it’s happening and starting to forget your old memories. I don’t know, I love listening to it on the daily because it calms me down and it reminds me of going on Met Museum, peaceful and serene, but still classy.

fifth, having a secret twitter account, sort of like a diary is really a good idea, this made me talk less with people about my thoughts, because i finally have the platform where i can say that to myself in a “tweet” format, which is psychologically the representation of “sharing” on public, but the catch is...only you can see it. the fact that i can really post anything there and vent out to myself, but with privacy, is really healthy for me, after all, in the end, the only one who can save me-is me.

sixth, i’m really thinking of settling down. seriously, all i ever think about right now is retirement, to a job that i don’t even have yet. also, my dad gave me this land title on mariveles, bataan, where i am so excited to build my dream house on and retire and finally do the things that i love, without worrying about jobs and all. i just want to visit several silent art museums and make music forever until god cancels me.

you know what, i’ll leave it like this for now. i’m sharing too much, which isn’t a good personality trait. but it’s not like anybody reads this lmao

i don’t know what made me so productive on this app again. i’ll promise to update more for the next coming days...! (is this a lie? we’ll never know.) 

okay, that’s it for now. goodbye anonymous readers.

[theperfectlyunstable]

rt#74 but it’s an essay i made for an online class

“Kalayaan Pasa sa Kasalukuyang Nakabilanggong Bayan”

Ika-12 ng Hunyo, taong 1898; ang ating kalayaan sa mga Kastila'y idineklara sa Kawit. Ang ating mga pahayag ay narinig, ang ating mga ninanais ay naihatid, at ang ating mga karapatan ay naibalik.

Ngunit bawat panahon na lumilipas, mayroong taong aalpas, muling babangon na manlulupig, at ang kapangyarihan ay aabusuhin, taumbayan ay mamanipulahin, hanggang sa ikaw ay mapapaisip; naranasan ba talaga natin ang maging malaya at magsarili?

Maraming salik ang salitang “kalayaan”; kalayaan sa pagpapatunay, sa pagpapahayag, kalayaan sa kapitalismo, sa marginalismo, sa pasismo, kalayaan sa pang-aapi, sa pagkukunwari, kalayaan sa manipulasyon, sa pagkakaroon ng opinyon, at ang kasalukuyang sitwasyon-ang “lockdown” dahil sa isang impeksyon.

Maaring magkakaiba man ang analohiya at magkakaiba ang sitwasyon, sa ibang paraan, magkahalintulad ang epekto sa ating nasyon; ang kawalan ng kalayaan na katulad noon.

Kung ako ang tatanungin, hindi ang “lockdown” ang aking nakikitang problema, kundi ang sitwasyon na sinasamantala ng kaitaas-taasan. Ang nasa ilalim ng lockdown ay ang mga Pilipino, ngunit hindi ang kapangyarihan ng gobyerno.

Nakakalungkot lamang na mas binibigyang-atensyon ang puwersang militar kaysa sa pagkakaroon ng mga bagong ospital at mga pasilidad, nakakalungkot na mas binibigyang-atensyon ang mga may pribilehiyo kaysa sa mga nangangailangang Pilipino, nakakalungkot na mas binibigyang atensyon ang pagpapatahimik sa media kaysa sa pagkakaroon ng mass testing para sa bawat pamilya.

Paano na tayo ngayon?

Isang siglo na ang lumipas nung pinunit ng mga rebolusyonaryo ang kanilang mga sedula, ngunit ngayon ay dire-deretso nang pinupunit ng mga nakakataas ang ating mga karapatan sa harap ng ating mga mata, ngunit tayo ay walang magawa, dahil sa takot na maging panibagong tudlaan.

Kahit maging moderno ang ating mga paraan sa pagkakaroon ng protesta, mayroon ding modernong paraan ang mga nasa itaas para patahimikin ang madla.

Hahayaan nalang ba natin ito?

Dahil ba tayo ay nabubulag sa pagiging pribilehiyo?

Dapat bang tanggapin nalang natin ito at sumuko?

Sabi nga, “kung sira ang sistema, ano pa ang punto?”

Paano tayo makaka-angat kung nagsisimula pa lamang ang pagbabagong-ganap ngunit tayo ay tinatakpan agad ng marka na pula? Paano tayo matututo kung tayo ay nagpapa-manipula sa impormasyong hindi totoo? Pano tayo magbabago kung ang nasabing pag-asa ng bayan ay hindi binibigyang pagkakataon?

Siguro, hindi talaga tayo nagkaroon ng pagkakataong maging malaya at makabago.

[theperfectlyunstable]

rt#73 - an episode in blue and red

I am frustrated.

Because of what's happening at my garden right now.

Because i have failed it by picking the wrong seed.

Because the poison ivy are infiltrating it.

Because it has been wilting every second.

Because my plants weren't given a chance to cultivate.

Because pesticides are more of a disturbance than a solution.

Because it was scarified by the poison ivy, just because they have the power to do so.

Because I am one of the reason why it is withering.

I am frustrated.

Because this isn't about my garden, at all.

[theperfectlyunstable]

rt#72 but in a twitter thread

Wednesday, 3 June — 1:09 AM

[theperfectlyunstable]

rt#71 - an episode in azure blue

am i still alright am i still okay am i still normal or am i in vain

cause i surely wonder walking on the lanes and all i can notice are these wounds and pain

imprisoned by a box the door got no locks a man has been searching for a perfect paradox

a book that's been open a shallow mind knocks unseasoned vanilla pressured by the clocks

am i still alright am i still okay am i still normal or am i in vain

i know that I'm bland i think that's the problem i'm not like an ocean that's so full of wisdom

i know that i'm bland but what are the odds i'm having a hard time imprisoned by a box

[theperfectlyunstable]

rt#70 - an episode in cardinal red

have you ever wondered why there's so much stars in the sky i've been asking myself all of that for god knows how many times

i guess it's funny that i tried catching one of them in the sky but then as quick as the night you knew there's no more reason to fight

it's funny that we think there's a lot of fish in the sea but then soon overthink why can't i take hold of a single fin

have you ever asked yourself why keep doing things that you'll regret is that what the universe set for someone who is just a speck

is this what the universe set because this isn't what i expected i thought life is as easy as a flick guess i'll solemnly walk and forget

[theperfectlyunstable]

rt#69 - an episode in spectrum

her curtains are blue a shade no one knew she knows that she's who can love real and true

the ocean is red another man said to just find herself a new one instead

a world rendered gray thoughts got harder to say unsaturated wave left her soul in dismay

her mind went all black he never came back behind all the tracks she asked what she lacked

as sour as an orange she bypassed the door hinge collected her knowledge knew tears aren't worth it

the trees are all green despite what she's been realizations in between life happens, c'est la vie

[theperfectlyunstable]

THE ACE PROJECT #002 "Embracing Your Vulnerability"

We recently had a school project in Philosophy that asks us to do a short "ted talk" in front of the class. I just want to address that I love our Philosophy class, it honestly is the one that made me restore my interest in school, since it heavily discusses methods of finding your enlightenment, which I am very passionate about.

Anyway, here's a raw, unedited script of my ted talk presentation titled "Embracing YOUR Vulnerability", where I discussed my anxiety, my weakpoints and other things that I discovered about myself during "THE ACE PROJECT #001"

Habang nagsusulat ako ng script, nagiisip ako ng magandang introduction, like an activity, or a question, or even just a catchphrase. Pero I also realized that this talk is not all about that, this is all about honesty, parang the simpler siguro, the better. Well, “shock introductions” are not really my thing. So I’ll just do what I do best: ang makipag-daldalan ng five minutes straight.

So, here’s a five-minute (or more) “ted talk” of me, pushing myself out of “that comfort zone,” trying new things, and public speaking just happens to be one of them.

Well, as a plus-size gay man with social anxiety, I want to address that I never liked public speaking. Why? Kasi alam kong madali lang mapansin ang insecurities and flaws ko, and alam kong alam niyo ‘yun.

And I know that every time I walk in a room with people in it, I know damn well that they’re seeing that flaws in me, and ina-assume ko agad that they’re judging me or whatever. Siguro dahil sa mindset kong everyone has their own “standards of beauty” and just knowing that I’ll never be in any of that criteria.

Oo, medyo selfish, and weak, and like of course “not everything’s about me,” pero wala eh, kapag nandoon ka na sa situation, iisipin mo na lahat ng worst scenario, lahat ng possible na worst cases. Hanggang sa mag-spiral na siya to thoughts like “what am I doing here?”, “ano ba iniisip nila?”, “mas better pa siguro kung nasa bahay nalang ako”, and other negative things that I know about myself.

Pero ayun, siguro having social anxiety is a double-edged sword. Kasi the more that I’m alone, the more I have the opportunities to explore, to know myself, to discover myself, and figure out what I really love, what I really want to do, what I’m really capable of.

And honestly, the more I’m knowing myself, the more I’m appreciating myself. Hindi nalang puro negative traits ko ‘yung napapansin ko sa akin, napapansin ko na rin ‘yung strengths ko, ‘yung mga kaya kong gawin, ‘yung mga skills ko, and finally, who am I as a person.

Yes, I know that I’m not perfect, lahat naman tayo hindi. Sabi nga ni miss Suico eh, “we are all a work in progress.” Yes, all of us have done some terrible things in the past, pero does that define us? No, because people are gonna keep on making new mistakes, and those mistakes are also gonna be the ones that will teach us how to be better, and how to improve ourselves, for the better.

So ayun, good afternoon, classmates! I’m here to talk about “Embracing YOUR Vulnerability”. I’m here to talk about the concept of vulnerability and what do I think are the key factors that are pushing us to either avoid it or embrace it.

So ayun guys, before I talk about it, I just want to say that I’m lucky enough to have the opportunity na makausap ‘yung kalahati ng mga tao dito sa room about their perceptions of “vulnerability.” When they gave me their time and most heartfelt answers, this became more than just my ted talk, it became OUR ted talk, this is our discussion about this very personal matter.

Ang thought kasi na nagbabagabag sa akin before I went into this topic was the society’s negative stigmatization of the term “vulnerability” as a sign of weakness. Though I won’t blame them, kasi wala eh, lumaki na tayo sa ganoong perception sa pagiging vulnerable, either galing sa environment natin, or sa sarili nating past experiences, which is very valid.

Tsaka ayun kasi, I believe din sa concept of relativism; there are no universal wrong or right, meaning every thought is valid on this. Pero ayun, while I’m doing the interview, may napansin akong dalawang perception or ideas natin sa word na “vulnerability”, there are people who are seeing “vulnerability” as weakness, and there are also people that are seeing it as being open and honest.

Either way, I’m not really here to convince y’all to pick a side, I’m here to tell you, na kahit magkakaiba pa ang tingin natin sa konsepto ng “vulnerability,” one thing is for sure, we have to embrace it, and we have to own it.

For me kasi, vulnerability is a healthy way of you being aware and open about yourself, your thoughts, your opinions, your insecurities, your truths, your flaws, and even your judgments. Parang I see it as you being open to the world, being humble, being open to constructive criticisms, being brave, and most of all, being authentic.

And ayun, bottling things all up in your head is not gonna help either, you have to vent it all out, whatever method you have, a friend, a random person, a tumblr account, a private twitter account that no one follows, screaming it sa lugar na walang tao, it’s very important to find a way to let it all out, kasi the more na tumatagal ‘yan sa isip mo, the more na maiipon at maiipon ‘yan, and like anything na napupuno, ay sumasabog and worse things might happen.

Pero ayun, while I’m writing this script, I did a self-analysis and asked myself, “ano nga ba yung negative key factors kung bakit nahihirapan akong i-embrace ang pagiging vulnerable?”

Until I came up with six (6) negative key factors, which are:

1. Shaming culture and stigmatization

Let’s talk about why’d I put “shaming culture and stigmatization” first, kasi ayun nga diba, nahihirapan tayong mag-open up to others, kasi we are very well aware of this concept, well, the twenty-two (22) of us in this room, at least. Kasi let’s be honest, you can’t just selectively numb emotion, when there’s vulnerability, there’s also fear, there’s also shame, all of that.

Natatakot tayo sa idea na baka magawa sa atin ‘yun. Natatakot tayong ma-perceived as weak, or even “attention-seeker”, lalo na sa social media, which is nagiging output nalang ng karamihan sa atin.

2. Self-doubt

Nakakatakot mga open-up honestly, kahit sa friends mo. Pero kahit natatakot ka pa sa indefinite number of people, walang tatalo sa sarili mo, and not in a good way. Sabi nga, “you are your worst enemy.” Kahit gaano mo pa gustuhing mag-vent out, somebody, deep deep down, is telling you to stop, and most of the time, there’s nothing you could do about it.

3. Scared of connection

Well, honestly, I found this one on the internet, but I heavily resonated with it, kasi totoo naman eh. Connection doesn’t necessarily mean “organization” or even “romantically”, it could also mean people you trust na nakakaintindi sa’yo and willing making sa’yo. The thing is, we’re scared of it, kasi mahirap magtiwala, mahirap na baka lang mag-backfire sa atin ‘yung mga sinasabi at shine-share natin, lalo na ‘yung mga personal and sensitive topics, which is very understandable.

4. Comparing yourself to others

Another one that’s stopping us, or maybe just me to open up and be honest is “comparison.” Well, not in a way of, like, competition. Pero hindi naman kasi talaga natin maiiwasan ‘yun, mahirap mag-open up sa iba kung sa tingin mong hindi talaga okay ‘yung situation mo, and alam mo sa sarili mo that you are able to do better.

5. Peer pressure

This one, I also found on the internet. And honestly, may point ‘to. Kasi not only our family, but our friends and the people around us, kahit sa social media, they always expect us to be perfect, to do no wrong, na lahat ng gagawin mo should be up to code. ‘Yung parang kapag may nagawa tayong iisang bagay na medyo mali, we’d be judged agad.

We’re scared kasi baka ayun ‘yung tumatak sa kanila, instead of the good ones. But the thing is, we’re human, kahit unintentionally, makakagawa at makakagawa talaga tayo ng mistakes, kasi without that, hindi tayo magkakaroon ng character development.

6. Hard time accepting constructive criticism

Actually, last minute addition ‘to, while I’m writing my script. Napaisip ako bigla kasi naging struggle ko rin ‘to noon. Totoo eh, mahirap talagang maging vulnerable lalo na’t kapag aware, yet in denial pa tayo sa mga negative traits natin as a person, and we’re scared of being “called out” kasi hindi pa talaga tayo ready na tanggapin ‘yun at magbago for the better.

Pero ayun, despite of the negative key factors that are pushing us to avoid being vulnerable. It’s not all bad. One thing I learned in life is to always try to look on the good side of things, kasi everything is a double-edged sword, lahat ng bagay, even decisions, magkakaroon talaga ng negative and positive impact sa atin. Pero if we tried to be more optimist than a pessimist, makikita nating the good always outweighs the bad.

So ayun, I tried to be an optimist again, and I came up with not just six (6), but nine (9) positive key factors for us to embrace vulnerability, which are:

1. Honesty

Siguro I’m just generalizing, pero honesty, for me at least, is where you know yourself, you know your worth, you know how your mind works, you know your imperfections and insecurities, and you’re not afraid to show it. Parang if somebody asked you something, you’re always ready to speak, kasi you know that you have nothing to hide, and you know damn well, that you are the best version of yourself.

2. Self-acceptance

As a member of the plus-size community, this is my biggest struggle in life. It’s really hard to love your flaws when it’s easily seen by anybody. Pero ayun nga, overtime, matututunan mo rin talagang ma-appreciate ‘yung sarili mo, if other people love and support you for who you are, why shouldn’t you, right?

3. Sense of empowerment

I don’t know about you, pero if you are being open, parang in a sense, you’re feeling empowered, kasi hindi ka lang sa ibang tao nagiging honest, kung ‘di sa sarili mo rin. Parang alam mo sa sarili mong you have your own choices, own thoughts, and own actions. The outside world does not dictate your inner peace, but you do, and for me, that’s very empowering!

4. Self-validation

Let’s be honest, in this society, we sure love being accepted and loved, ‘diba? There even are times that we love hearing compliments, lalo na kapag we are under attacked by our own personal demons, wala eh, if we are feeling down, it’s nice to hear that somebody cares about you and even believes in you. Pero ang pinaka-mahirap talagang ma-attain is ‘yung self-validation eh, lalo na if you don’t believe in yourself and your own capabilities.

Pero, I think, if you’re already honest enough, aware of your own weaknesses and insecurities and already accepted yourself for who you are, and changed for the better, self-validation will come unexpectedly, parang magigising ka nalang bigla, feeling great, and somehow emotionally satisfied.

5. Sense of personality

I struggled with this in the past. Kasi, back then, I really have no idea about myself, kaya ayun, minsan naa-adapt ko nalang ‘yung mga routines ng friends ko, also doing what they love to do, agree on their opinions, listen to their favorite music, watch their favorite series, kasi I desperately want to belong in that circle, in that community, kaya siguro parang nagging defense mechanism ko na ‘yung pag-label sa sarili ko as “basic” or “shallow”, kasi nga I really have no idea about who am I as a person.

Until one time, I’ve had enough and naisip kong “I want to have an identity.” I want to have my own choices, my own opinions, I want to stand up for something that I really believe in, I want to discover things that I really want to do, I want to have my own taste in music and TV shows, hindi lang ‘yung laging popular option. So ayun, I kinda went off-grid for months, kasi I tried exploring, I tried doing new things every week, but I also went back and explored some my old hobbies, until parang over time, nagkakaroon at nagkakaroon ako ng idea about myself, hindi pa man totally, I can confidently say that I am a person na hindi na nagrerely sa opinions ng iba, I know myself, I am honest, but still kinda insecure, but I am me, and I learned to love me.

6. State of equanimity

Equanimity, defined by the dictionary as “state of mental calmness, stability and composure, despite of being under stress.” I feel like, the more you embrace yourself, it gives us more reason to be calmer, kasi nawawala ‘yung mga nambabagabag sa isipan natin, nababawasan na ‘yung chances nating magkaroon ng anxiety, mas nababawasan ‘yung chance na magkaroon tayo ng self-doubt, kasi hindi ka na masyadong nagpapa-apekto sa pressure ng environment. You finally learned to get things done at your own pace.

Parang kumbaga sabi sa Taoism practice, you already have found your path to inner peace and harmony, depende nalang talaga sa’yo if you really want to go straight to that path or keep on making stop overs, It doesn’t matter.

7. Opportunity for growth

Alam naman na siguro ng lahat ‘to. Pero ayun, the more you know yourself and the more that you’re aware of your own imperfections, the more you’ll realize that you’re growing, emotionally. You’ll be making lesser mistakes, you’ll be having a wider perception in life, you’ll finally learn to understand other people and finally, you’ll be doing a Marie Kondo and only keep anything that sparks joy in your life, and someday, masasabi mo na sa sarili mong “this is ‘THAT’ character development.”

8. Ability to take risks

Honestly, nahihirapan akong i-explain ‘to in words, pero alam mo ‘yung kapag you’re feeling empowered, the more na mas nagiging brave and confident ka? Parang you’ll care less about the consequences, kasi you know that you’re not doing it for anybody, but only for yourself, your curiosity, and your inner peace. Magiging mantra mo na talaga ‘yung “you’ll never know unless you try, and whatever the consequences are, what matters in the end is you tried.”

9. Being more open to affection

Hanggang ngayon kasi, naniniwala pa rin ako sa thought na “you’ll never learn to love others, until you learn to love yourself.” And ayun, until you’re aware of your own self, your needs, your limitations, your current mindset, your capabilities, your strengths and your weaknesses, tsaka ka magiging ready to love a person na ia-appreciate ka for who you are at pupunuin ‘yung mga pagkukulang mo, and vise versa, after all, it’s a two-way relationship.

Realization

Ayun, ‘diba na-o-outweigh parin talaga ng good factors ang bad factors? Pero don’t get me twisted ha, I’m not forcing you to do anything, my only point here is for you to, maybe, find the time to embrace your own vulnerabilities, kasi character development takes time naman, and that “time” really depends on you, and how you work with yourself.

Kasi honestly, if you embrace that side of you, the more you’ll realize your own capabilities, your own strengths, your weaknesses, your freedom, your choices, and finally, your own worth.

I hope you all learned something kahit papano, because I sure did habang nagsusulat ako ng script for this talk. Thank you so much!

[theperfectlyunstable]

THE ACE PROJECT #001

INTRODUCTION

Hey there, anonymous clowns! It's your messy, sarcastic, barely-surviving virtual floor meat back again, but with a new blog entry.

Yes, I got a new blog title, and yes, it's because of me trying so hard to avoid making a 69th entry of "random thoughts". Well, the only constant thing in this world is change so you have no choice but to deal with it.

Okay, "THE ACE PROJECT" will be a blog series about me (and literally no one else because nobody's reading it) and my documentations, thoughts and anything that is related to my current 2019 self-care mantra, and how it affects me so far, how it changes my life, and how i am still sticking to it until today.

Do I really have to explain it? Literally, no one else reads this but me. I get it, this is my project, my life is a journey, blah blah blah, let's move on.

Okay.... I guess I have to start with "what is my 2019 mantra?" Well, it's simple, it's about yourself and how you don't need to seek other people's validation, for the only one you need is your own.

I guess let's start about every millenial and gen x/y/z/whatever they call themselves now's HUGE problem: SOCIAL MEDIA.

THE ACE PROJECT: PART 001

Yes, I know how important social media is to all of us. It's informative, it's addictive, and it's our main source of daily validation.

If it's not, then stop lying to yourself.

Let's face it, it feels good when you post something that gains a ton of reaction, right? It is, let's be real here.

I also felt good every time I experience it, the way that you're in a virtual spotlight, like all eyes are on you, like people knows that you finally have something to say... it makes you feel powerful, empowered, and validated.

It's a double-edged sword, sadly, it all got to me; I felt pressured to post everyday just for the sake of being active, and how I became anxious when some of my posts only gets a few reaction. I felt like my validation is being taken away from me, it's a daily struggle, and it's a never-ending cycle.

Then I realized that it's not healthy anymore and I have to get away from that kind of behavior, because it shouldn't define who I am. Until my 2019 mantra set a foundation by having self-validation ONLY, through executing my first self-care initiative: taking a break.

First, I tried taking a few breaks from it, a day, until I got to a week, and then two weeks, a month, and now, three months. I love it, and I have no regrets making that decision, because there will be times that you'll realize that you forgot that social media existed. It's like I finally regained control over my life.

Well, I guess taking some time off from something that takes over 13 hours of your busy day, it turns out you can do SO MUCH MORE when you're not virtually intoxicated; I read a book, I finally got to make music, I communicated with my old friends again, and finally, I got happier.

And in the end, that's what matters. I got validated, by myself, which is the hardest one to attain. I am happy.

END OF THE ACE PROJECT: PART 001