thepioden

[thepioden]

Legolas after his dad tells him he needs to go to Rivendell to tell Elrond and Aragorn they lost Gollum

[thepioden]

Getting increasingly uncomfortable with people saying 'respect minority religions' and then dunking on neopagans in the next breath. Plenty of other faiths do the same shit you deride pagans for, you don't get to shit all over their faith just because you think it's 'cringe' or 'unserious'.

[thepioden]

I love how other stories have a love triangle where the main character has to choose, but Final Fantasy VII is very clear that dating Cloud is at least a two person job. Team lift per OSHA rules

[thepioden]

My friends who just got their first glasses: i need this highly expensive special cloth to wipe them, I also have this eyeglass cleaner from the same company, did you know you shouldn't use your t shirt unless it's specifically soft

Me who's worn glasses since middle school: *slaps soap onto the glasses and washes them in the sink then wipes them with toilet paper* what

[thepioden]

Hooray! Yay! Dykes!

[thepioden]

[thepioden]

I’m skeptical about this actually being a common thing, so

[thepioden]

guys you don't understand i love big buff horses so much

draft horses you are gods most perfectest creations

[thepioden]

Dragon Sculpture sitting at the bottom of Lake Neuchâtel. Location: Romandy, Switzerland

[thepioden]

Based on recent experience from Nebraska to Colorado: if you are from the plains, you didn't know or had forgotten what driving in mountains was like. Jesus Christ, they take semis through here? The avalanche warning signs make you nervous. It's May, why is is snowing. What the hell is happening to your engine rpm. RECREATIONAL MARIJUANA, NEXT EXIT.

If you are from the mountains, you didn't know or had forgotten what driving on the plains was like. Jesus Christ, do people live amongst these soybeans? The road construction goes from 'tolerable' to 'inducing blind fury' about 75 miles into I-80. It's May, why is it 98 degrees. What the hell is happening to your engine rpm. GOD IS REAL, NEXT EXIT.

things you will see on a road trip across america

-so much desert that you will get scared 

-seriously from california to new mexico is terrifying like it’s eight straight hours of pale red desert and the sky is so large that everything, even your car, even your hands, looks like a tenuously small and fragile diorama placed on an endless pale red table and left there to dissolve. 

-a gas station that for some reason has large dinosaurs made out of scrap metal. they are 1000% awesome. sometimes they move. take a million pictures.

-a fruit stand that sells the best fruit you have ever eaten. later you won’t quite remember which fruit. strawberries, maybe? peaches?

-small black birds, subtly different in every state. some have gold eyes and some are a little iridescent and some are black from beak to toes. the sparrows they compete with for crumbs look exactly the same wherever you go. 

-a completely empty rest stop. no one eats at the concrete tables. no one plays in the tiny strip of grass or gravel. you will find a small and beautiful stone. 

-a hawaii license plate, somewhere around ohio. i still don’t know how they get the cars across the ocean. i don’t know why anyone would leave hawaii for ohio. i don’t know why anyone lives in ohio. 

-an incredibly weird duck. you had no idea ducks could look so incredibly weird, and you wish you were still ignorant of how incredibly weird ducks can, apparently, look. 

-a small folksy roadside waystation that sells fudge and incredibly tacky statues of eagles and wolves and cowboys. if you like fudge, eat the fudge from here. 

-a lizard doing pushups. if you are particularly fortunate: many lizards doing pushups.

-approximately one gajillion starbucks shops. don’t bother counting them. it will make you angry. 

-a storm somewhere around oklahoma, if you’re lucky. the clouds tower up in fantastic fluffy castles miles and miles into the air and are painted pink and gold and purple and the sky turns a dozen impossible shades of blue and when the rain comes down over your car it sounds like the world is ending. 

-weird burrs will stick to your legs. you’ll flick them out of the car eighty or eight hundred miles from where their parent plant was grown, and not be sure whether you should wish the little hitchikers well or not. 

-a dog wearing sunglasses with his head hanging out of a car window. this will be the high point of the trip. 

-the world’s most depressing restaurant. you will know it when you wind up there and have to eat the terrible food, and listen to the terrible music, and look at all the listless waiters and want to tell them get in my car, for god’s sake get in, i’ll take you out of whatever crapsack little town this is that you can’t get out of on your own. but you won’t say that because it’s rude. maybe they have family here. maybe they even like it here.

-a painting of a sailboat in a motel located at least a hundred miles from any significant body of water. 

-several genuinely hilarious postcards. buy them.

-a cat that will not let you pet it. this will be the low point of the trip. 

-corn. so much corn you will get scared. who the fuck is going to eat all this corn? 

-a small stream in some small woods and the light will come down perfectly and the water will be beautiful and the grass will be beautiful and there will be flowers maybe or the leaves of the trees are starting to turn gold and there are birds chirping and it will be so perfect you will want to stand there and stay forever and live in this little magical painting off the side of the highway and be some kind of highway druid. but instead, you’ll get bored after a while, and get back in the car. 

[thepioden]

i made this in five minutes i feel like the tumblr lesbians can get some use out of it

[thepioden]

Everyone warns you agaist going to the supermarket hungry, but nobody tells you about the dangers of going there too full: I do not want any of these things, for I will never require any food at all!

[thepioden]

just remember, one day you're going to open tumblr and the crabs will be raving like they never have before

[thepioden]

what's a book you read as a teenager that was so magical and personally profound to you it literally changed your life, doesnt matter if the book was actually well written or not. mine's probably the catcher in the rye

[thepioden]

A non comprehensive list of descriptors (affectionate) I have been given my friends and coworkers.

- Victorian urchin, but the not streetwise one.

- Little pageboy scrambling around the castle

- There’s a touch of Timothée Chamlet about you, like you’re destined to die of consumption.

- You’re gonna look like a pixie until you’re 50 and then you’re just gonna look like a slightly older pixie.

- The uncanny valley between teen and adult.

- Terminator, but if he was invented to fit through the vents.

- You’d succumb to a light breeze.

- Changeling child who lures people into the woods.

- Destined to die tragically for the audience.