theplaceigrewup

[theplaceigrewup]

sometimes I feel like I’m waiting. I honestly don’t know what for. Or it’s like I’m standing in line and the more I look ahead of me the line seems to get longer and longer. When I look behind me I see that I’m not the last person. I want to leave. I should. I really should and soon I’ll have that chance but I’m so fucking afraid. Letting go of everything I know. I tell myself they need me. I need them! I need them so bad! Without them who am I? I feel so so lost. All while I’m holding a fucking map. I’m just painfully keeping my eyes shut. Never opening them, even if it means I’m about to walk off a ledge. I want so much for myself. I know I can do it. Every part of me wants to move into the forest and never be bothered again. I can be with me. I’m okay with being just with me. I’ll give up humanly desires if it means I won’t have to worry about the complications of relationships. I can work on my art. But It’s dangerous. If I do all of that I’ll become just like my father. Today I felt this gross feeling inside me when I walked outside. The idea that somebody inside their home or passing car could get a glimpse of me made me feel horrible. Judge me, watch me. I couldn’t help but feel this must be what he feels. The more I isolate, the more hate that leaks into my heart the more I become like him. And I’m so scared of him.