thepulsatingflapper

[thepulsatingflapper]

i’ve seen people talk about barty doing evan’s top surgery before, but may I propose you this: barty surgically removing evan’s uterus when his period cramps are being extra much of a bitch one day

[thepulsatingflapper]

YES: As punishment for being fascists, they must be made gay and feminine. AKA Losers. Exactly.

~The Pulsating Flapper~

as punishment for being canonically facists, i think regulus/evan/barty should be required to be losers in every universe.

babygirlify them. make them gay i don't care but they have to completely suck. they're cool to no one. the energy of a wet feral cat. they never pull. they actively scare off anyone and everyone. barty and evan have some insane codependent homoerotic friendship so destructive people have stopped trying to fix it years ago. let them be insane and awful!!

i don't care if it's a modern-day muggle university AU, they still need to be losers.

[thepulsatingflapper]

I feel like Barty would ask Evan the most RANDOM questions at like 3 AM.

Barty: if I died. Do you want them to surgically connect my dick to you? Like do you want my dick for your bottom surgery?

Evan: I don’t think that’s how it works.

Barty:… damn.

*Barty waking up Evan as if he just had a nightmare*

Barty: Do you think my animagus would be a horse?

Evan: Why would it be a horse?

Barty: I’m so scared of them Ev. Please say it wouldn’t be a horse.

Evan:… WHY WOULD IT BE A HORSE?

One more

Barty: When we get married, can Reg be my best man?

Evan: No.

Barty: … oh so I guess we’re not getting married then

Evan: He’s officiating it.

Barty:… fine.

[thepulsatingflapper]

Y'all, I don't engage with the fandom that much but is it really a discussion of whether being into Marauders means you're supporting jkr??

She doesn't get any money from fanfic and fanart, that's the whole point? I've always thought of this fandom specifically as stealing from a pos and making something actually good from it?? She actively hates this fandom??? And I HATE hp!!

So yeah, I'll fucking make everyone queer and radical and of different races and cultures tf? Get creative with it damn, she doesn't own us

[thepulsatingflapper]

Rem, face down, ass up, blindfolded, has to guess who is fucking him rn just by feel.

Only rule: the guys aren't allowed to use one of the strap-ons to try and confuse him, because that really wouldn't be fair.

He recognizes Regulus immediately.

[thepulsatingflapper]

Regulus is sometimes fucking Remus with an exact replica of Rem's dick. Because it is a monster.

Whispering how pathetic Remus is, how he doesn't even know how to use such a giant dick, how it is wasted on him and how he needs someone to show what to actually do with it.

Remus is drooling and gasping and sobbing the entire time.

[thepulsatingflapper]

“So, Potter,” Mary jumped into step beside him as they walked the grounds around Hogwarts. “Why’d ya love Lily?”

James paused. Turned to face her. “It’s unconditional.” He kept walking. Long strides.

“What?” she pulled a face, jogging to catch up with him.

He gestured vaguely, “You know, when you love someone for no reason. There are no conditions for it, nothing can change it, because all I’ll ever want is the best for her.”

“But… there must be a reason, right? Otherwise how could you…?”

He fiddled with the glasses on his nose, pushed them up slightly, “I love it when she smiles. Not for how it looks, not for any reason, I just love it when she’s happy. The reason she’s smiling can change, it doesn’t matter, because all I’ll want is for her to smile…” his hand had drifted across his face, now rubbing the back of his neck.

Mary raised an eyebrow. “And?” she prodded.

“It’s… this love that I can’t put into words,” he faltered. “Like… it’s part of me. I love her the way that every morning the sun rises without fail. Er— Remus explains it better,” he chuckled. “He’s got this way with words, like he understands, and he told me it’s normal, to love and to not know why, as normal as it is to love and to know why. It happens, when you want nothing in return. You have no expectations of them, because this love spreads as easily as we breathe… It’s everywhere, it’s sharing joy in everything we do… it’s never planned.”

“Did… Remus teach you what love is?”

James grinned, “Everyone did. It’s everywhere, didn’t I tell you?” He smiled to himself, “But Remus does explain things really well.”

“You love him?” Mary asked abruptly, brow furrowed.

“Well, yeah, he’s my best mate—”

“Unconditionally?”

“Yes.”

“Same way you love Lily?”

“No, and what’s this interrogation—”

“How’s it different?”

“Because!” James grasped his hair. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Remus is a boy! And I’m a boy! Sure, people can be… the male word for lesbian… but, Remus and I are not.”

“Okay,” Mary raised her hands. “I get it. You’re not in love with Remus. You’re in love with Lily. But what’s the difference between your love for her and your love for him?”

James glared at her, before closing his eyes briefly as he relaxed, “I believe in soulmates. And I think Lily would be mine. She doesn’t believe in soulmates, but we don’t try to change each other, she listens and she stays, and we can debate it endlessly without getting mad… I think that’s what makes us good together. Like… soulmates. I don’t… Remus wouldn’t be my soulmate. First, he’s a boy, and I only like girls that way, and also… he agrees with people too easily. He never… I wish he would. I love him, but he doesn’t let himself… love, I guess. Anyway,” James shook his head, “You’re the one who kissed him, you can make him love,” he snarked. “You can get him to tell you all his secrets even though he tells his friends none, I have to pry them out of him, and I thought he’d stay long enough to let me in, I swear he was opening up, he was about to give me everything, but then you,” he swivelled to get in her face, “Kissed him.”

“Right,” Mary drawled. “That’s between you and Remus. But,” she looked at him sternly, “You do love Lily, yeah? And you’d do anything for her, you see how she’s amazing and you know how to appreciate it? You can love as many other people as you like, I don’t care, make it complicated, whatever, but, you love Lily with everything you’ve got, too.”

James’s eyes widened in realisation. “Yes,” he nodded confidently. “This is like one of those best mate seals of approval, right? Don’t you worry, Macdonald, I’ll love your Lily with all my heart. I do and I will.” A beam lit up his face, “In fact, I’m headed to the forest to collect some ingredients for Lil’s potions right now! I noticed she was running low on stocks, so I thought I’d gift her what she needed! You should come with, eh?”

— extract from

she’s Black, she’s Broken, she’s Beautiful

[thepulsatingflapper]

peter ‘get it like rom-pom-pom-pom’ pettigrew

remus ‘get it hot like Papa John’ lupin

sirius ‘make a bitch go on and on’ black

james ‘its a femininomenon’ potter

[thepulsatingflapper]

The marauders fandom has NOTHING to do with JKR. NOTHING AT ALL.

~The Pulsating Flapper~

The thing I love most about the marauders fandom is that fans built it from the ground up and that terf had nothing to do with it.

FUCK just kidding Rowling

[thepulsatingflapper]

remus likes to make happy faces with chocolate chips on sirius' pancakes because sirius didn't know it was a thing until he left home, and he just lights up with the biggest, softest smile every time remus puts the plate in front of him byeeee

[thepulsatingflapper]

Oh, "Sirius is the big spoon", "Remus is the big spoon"

wRONG

They are SPAGHETTI

They are a MESS OF LIMBS

If someone walks in on them, they can't tell what the FUCK is going on

[thepulsatingflapper]

‘mother WIP I need validation and critiques on!! 🥲🥲

Should I introduce myself? Well might as well right? Some things about me are well known like my favorite color, Red, or my favorite activity, pranking but some things my family keep a secret or nobody talks about. I grew up in a pretty terrible household, my parents were in a cult and they were also really abusive. I am trying to escape and eventually I think I will but it’s not going well for me so far. Basically they hated me. I hated them kinda like how your relationship with your parents are but we never like each other and I wouldn’t say what they do shows that they love me. They hate everything about me, I’m in the wrong house, I have the wrong friends, I have the wrong priorities, and I also have the wrong beliefs. My life has been kinda crazy so far. Oh and by the way my name is Sirius Black and this is my story. We will start at the age of eleven when I first left my family and went to Hogwarts……

_________________________________________

“Please don’t leave,” Regulus said, tears filling his eyes.

I feel bad that he has to stay here for a whole year without me, I am the one who has always protected him from my parents and without me there he will almost definitely get hurt.

“I know you can be strong,” I tell him with an encouraging smile “just try to stay out of the way until I get back and then I will take care of you until we go to school together,”

He smiles sadly and hugs me tightly. I make an effort not to cry because it is hard having to leave him no matter how happy I am that I get to escape. My parents walk toward Reg and I making a sour face as they see the tears streaming down my little brothers face. 

“Calm down you insolent child,” my mother said “ you will make yourself look like a wimp, you are 10 years old for Merlin’s sake!” 

“Leave him alone,” I say loudly hoping that if I make them mad at me they will forget about having to punish Regulus, “I made him upset it’s my fault,”

He looks at me worried but doesn’t say anything, he might not like it but he is used to it, I take the blame whenever either one of us makes a mistake because I don’t want Regulus to have to be hurt. My mother looks at me angrily, if looks could kill I would be incarnated, she hisses out words that I can’t quite hear and flicks my ear hard. Tears well up in my eyes but I know that crying won’t make anything better so I turn to Reg and give him a small hug saying small praises and happy thoughts to him, shake my mother and father’s hands and pull my trunk onto the train. 

Before I am even able to look around at the inside of the train I hear a very familiar drawling voice coming from behind me. As I turn around I see Bella and Cissy walking up to the train they take my arms as they walk towards their cabin. I don’t like Narcissa/ Cissy very much. She always talks as if she knows everything and she probably does anyway, though I would never admit that to anyone, she has read almost half the library at the school by her 4th year! She is such a stickler about the rules and she always tells the adults everything, so if you want to keep something from your parents you shouldn’t tell her. I found that out the hard way by accidentally telling her that I snuck into my parents room and took a couple galleons and she went and bobbed, that was one of the worst beating that I’ve gotten recently. 

And then there is Bella or Bellatrix. She is in her 5th year and is a prick. She has hurt me almost as badly as my parents have. She believes everything that any adult says in the family, but that isn’t unnatural for a child in the black family because you either believe or get beaten to a pulp. 

Sometimes I pretend I believe just to stop my parents from hitting me but sometimes they say things that are just so bad that I can’t just let them go. Bella makes my life a living hell. She tries to get me in trouble even when I’m not doing anything wrong! She always makes it seem like I’ve been trying to sneak something or hurt someone just so that I get punished. She is more devoted to evil than my parents and it shows in her hair. 

Unlike Cissy who’s hair is straight as a board Bella’s is curly and unruly. They both have black hair like most people in our family but Cissy had been trying to slowly change it up a bit. They led me into a compartment the size of a car with about five people in it and sat down pulling me right along with them. When I tried to get up they wordlessly pushed me back down and put up my stuff. I knew it would be pointless to argue with them because I would just end up getting cursed by them or their cronies. 

About twenty minutes goes by while people are still walking around the halls trying to find a place to sit. I am good at causing mayhem and so I try to think of a way I can make a big enough distraction that I can escape somewhere else when it hits me! I don’t have to make a big bang, I can just go to the loo and make a run for it instead. 

Bellatrix looks a bit suspicious when I announce that I need to use the loo but Narcissa waves it off putting a calming hand on Bella’s arm. I walk out and before thinking about it sprint off in the opposite direction of the bathroom.

Now, now I know what you are going to say ‘Sirius, why did you run off in the wrong direction instead of just walking towards it and finding a different way around?’ I know. I didn’t think about it. I’ve noticed it’s kinda hard for me to control my actions. It’s not like it happens without the thought going through my brain, or like my legs are moving without my brain catching up, but it’s just hard for me to think before I do something stupid. It takes me about 30 seconds and several turns to hear someone sprinting after me but when I look behind me no one is in sight so as soon as I see a compartment that has people who look my age I run in and close the door. 

Looking around I see three boys but I don’t have time to get a good look at them before I jump under the seat and pull a briefcase in front of me hoping Bella won’t find me. When I hear the compartment door open and I hear Cissy’s voice I almost have a heart attack.

“Have you seen a boy with black hair running past here?” She asks slowly. 

I pray these boys will lie for me, as I hear one of them speak in an up beat voice.

“No,” then the voice says curiously “Why… Did he murder someone?” 

I tried to stifle my laughter at his tone. I could just imagine Narcissa’s discusted face at his light and happy tone. Then I heard something even worse.

While Narcissa might have let me go when she found me bellatrix wouldn’t and that is who decided to speak next.

“Why would you think that,” her tone was condescending and slow as if she was acting as if he was stupid, “he didn’t do anything did he?”

“We’ll I don’t know,” said the same boys voice still in a happy tone, “I didn’t see him did I.”

At this comment I could hear Bella scoff and I heard stomps walking back towards the door. 

She didn’t sound happy but she said “Whatever Cissy let’s go back we will just ignore him this time and talk to him about it at hogwarts, we can also mail uncle Orion I’m sure Sirius will not love to get a letter but it would serve him right for running away like that.”

I hear Narcissa say something softly back which earned a scoff by Bella bad the door closed. I stayed under the seat for a minute longer then peaked my head around the briefcase. When I rolled out from underneath the seat all three boys were looking at me. As I was finally able to see the people in the room I noted what each of them looked like. Sitting closest to the door on the right was slightly chubby, with a round pink face, his eyes were like beads sunken into his face, and shaggy blonde hair. Even though he wouldn’t be marked as conventionally attractive I still thought he didn’t look that bad. Sitting next to this boy was a slim figure that has jet black hair that looks like he had just gotten shocked by a light socket. He had glasses and dark brown eyes. He was sitting as if he ruled the world. I liked him, he seems like he would make a good friend. On the left there was only one person. This 11 year old boy was very skinny and was sitting with his knees up to his chin with a book in one hand and his wand in the other. This boy was very pretty, he had tan skin and scars running up his collarbones trailing softly on his face. He had soft looking hair that looked messy but not the way the boy with the glasses’ was, it was ruffled as if a wind had just passed through the compartment. And this boy’s eyes were beautiful, they were a light brown that looked like Carmel in the light from the window. I felt awkward for just a second when I realized that I had been staring at the brunette for several minutes and the black haired boy was talking. I tore my eyes away from the skinny boy reading to look at the boy talking. James, as the boy with glasses, introduced himself was a potter. My parents had told me not to get involved with the potters’ or the Weasleys. So what did I do? I shook James’ hand and smiled.

“Sirius black,” I said, “pleasure to meet you.”

James looked at me in shock, dropping his hand. The blonde boy, Peter Pettigrew, whimpered and looked scared. Even the scarred boy looked up from his book to stare at me. It took only a couple seconds before James had shook his head and started to interrogate me about different things about myself. About halfway through the train ride the scarred boy put down his book, that he had apparently finished reading, looked around and was raked to by James. 

“You haven’t looked up from that book for a while, and you haven’t even told us your name,” said James cheerfully “why don’t you tell us?” 

We only had to wait one minute for the boy to give a sigh and sit up properly. He looked at everything and everyone in the room and then began to speak in a soft voice that was slightly higher than I expected but still pleasant.

“My name is Remus Lupin,” he said slowly as if he was judging every single syllable he was uttering “I don’t really know what else to say cause I wasn’t really listening to your conversation.”

He talked so politely as if anything he said could get him yelled at. I knew that tone, I used that tone a lot around my family. I wonder what this boy had going on at home? Or was he just quiet? Whatever. James was speaking again, he was switching from asking Remus question like what his favorite color is, blue, to how many siblings he had, none. When Remus said he didn’t have any siblings James started going on rants about the time he spent with his mom and dad and how much fun it was to ply with them on his broom. I zoned out, not wanting to hear about how good someone else's parents are and how good someone else’s life is. This went on for hours just with James talking on and on, Peter sometimes jumping in on a story about their childhood together and me and Remus just nodding politely while they talked. 

[thepulsatingflapper]

Dorcas calls everyone “babe” but only calls Marlene “baby”

Marlene calls everyone “girl” but only calls Dorcas “babygirl”

James calls everyone “love” but only calls Regulus “my love”

Everyone calls Barty “bee” but only Evan calls him “honey”

Everyone calls Sirius “starman” but only Remus calls him “the prettiest star”

[thepulsatingflapper]

Exactly! Anytime you imagine a character, just remmember that you're really making a statement about the way you see the world. If you imagine a fat character as not as attractive, well everyone can see how you think of all fat people are unattractive too. So don't imagine stuff like that, only imagine things that are correct and not offensive.

~The Pulsating Flapper~

I think aroace Peter is a weird headcanon, just come out and say that you think fat people can't be attractive or desired or want love

[thepulsatingflapper]

something very poetic abt either Remus or Sirius packing inches, but never getting to use it cause they're always bottom ❤️ all that and for what basically ❤️

[thepulsatingflapper]

baby harry calling sirius “dadfoot” and remus “moomy” is actually the cutest headcanon ever

god bless whoever came up with that

[thepulsatingflapper]

jegulus exes to lovers famous singer au where no one fully knows they dated or not but a couple of their songs seem awfully similar… almost as if they’re writing them to each other?

then one of the songs wins a grammy and the winner just confess their love in their acceptance speech