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“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole life fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.”

— F.Scott Fitzgerald

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pauli koivula

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"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."

—Norman Cousins

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It's been awhile. I haven't felt much need to get on here and write about life. But today I can't sleep.

I thought I lost my brother. My little brother. To suicide. A cryptic text and a note that essentially said goodbye was all that was left. When I got the news I broke. I felt like an empty shell. So powerless. There was nothing I could say, nothing I could do, all I could do was just cry.

Then he called, and a wave of emotions hit me. Happiness. Relief. Anger. Sadness.

Even though he's okay, I'm still plagued by the thought of losing him. The feelings of emptiness and numbness. The question of what if.

So I had to write about it. Although briefly, I needed to let these feelings out somehow, somewhere. So this is what I chose.

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What I am Grateful For

I am grateful for my partner.

He is my rock, my safe space to come home to, and my best friend. I wouldn't trade the world for him.

He has helped me achieve better emotional intelligence, he has supported me in my goals, and encouraged me to be better person. I love the moments we spend together, whether that simply be watching a movie or venting about the day's struggles.

He has improved my life significantly, and I look forward to many more years of our lives together.

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I started reading Quicksilver by Callie Hart and so far it has me interested. However, after reading chapter 5, I'm fighting the urge to DNF it.

So the main character gets stabbed in the stomach with a whole ass sword, then stabbed in the shoulder with a dagger. Before she's stabbed with the second dagger, she manages to liquify it, then somehow manages to get up with the sword and dagger still in their spots and fucking walk. She even makes a comment about the sword moving as she's walking and then a little later it falls out, so I can only assume she's not to holding onto the sword and it's damaging her insides much worse.

After the, again, whole ass sword, falls out of her stomach, she somehow manages to turn around, walk over to a different sword, pulls it out from the stone or whatever, and slices into the dude that stabbed her. ALL while losing a pool of blood. After slicing him, she collapses, saying she's near death.

B U T somehow she stays alive long enough for some shadow daddy to appear out of this silver pool, look at her, grumble a few lines, walk over to the other guy and kill him, then return to pick her ass up and descend into the pool of silver. And only then is when "darkness took her before the silver could."

I understand this is fiction, but how in the absolute fuck can this woman stay alive after being stabbed in the stomach by a sword, having it twist around a bit, then fall out?

I don't know, I'll push through it just to see if there's some sort of explanation, but that whole thing seems incredibly implausible, and it bothers me. I need some sort of logic.

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Books are my only escape.

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♪ Time to put my medal on

Whose blood to spill?

I don't know

Whose side I'm on?

Two armies are coming at me

Their flags and weapons look the same

One tells the truth, the other's lying

And they're both calling my name

This is how villains are made ♪

—Madalen Duke, How Villains Are Made

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- Wild, Tales from Early Medieval Britain by Amy Jeffs

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