therealjgoldenkimball

[therealjgoldenkimball]

Have you heard about the orange currently running the United States?

As a former mule-driver, let me tell you: I know a jackass when I see one.

[therealjgoldenkimball]

Should have shown pops the blog. Only if he could tell me which wife I came from, though.

Hey @therealjgoldenkimball, I ran into your dad. I didn't show him your blog, though.

[therealjgoldenkimball]

Hey Uncle Golden,

what are your thoughts on the El Jibbities? (🏳️‍🌈)

Well, that’s a whole can of worms we could talk about until Christ comes again, but I’ll keep it brief.

First of all, I know damn well about the “El Jibbities”, as you call them. They’ve been around since before any of us were born, even since before Christ was born, and hell, they’ll continue to be around for the rest of eternity. They’re children of God just as much as you and I.

If anyone reading this is worried about El Jibbities not deserving the Celestial Kingdom, don't you fret; that kind of shitty brotherly love and unrighteous judgement will get you a nice, quiet spot in a different kingdom, one where you can't cause your heavenly siblings anymore harm.

[therealjgoldenkimball]

I'm happy to inform you that, with my resurrected body, I can now properly piss across the Jordan River again

[therealjgoldenkimball]

Uncle Golden, did you get your lawnmower back from President Grant?

Heber always denied taking that lawn mower, but lemme tell you, the veil is thin and I saw that son of a bitch cutting grass within a week of my death. If he ever does repent and give it back, he’d better have used it to trim the grass between our graves first.

[therealjgoldenkimball]

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

I have been resurrected as a precursor to Christ to bring an important message from the Godhead. That message is as follows: Stop being little shits already.