therealkaijam-blog

[therealkaijam-blog]

Selfish

4-1-19

I’ve been selfish

Today was the first day I woke up with peace in my head, Yesterday was the first day in 8 years I sought professional help. It took all my courage to tell my best friend, whom is the closest to me, that I tried to kill myself a couple of days before. I didn’t feel like I could bring myself to tell her, but I know I needed to. If someone was to break my out of my cycle of depression it would be her. Before I know It I blurted it out. She got mad at me, obviously, I instantly felt the guilt I felt that night as well.

I woke up at 3am crying, not being able to think straight anymore, not being able to understand anything I was thinking, not being able to cope with all that has come my way. I only was able to see one way out: Kill myself. So I headed out, I didn’t bother do make myself look pretty, but I didn’t want to be cold, so I put a shirt on. I walked slowly downstairs and said goodbye to my dog, I doubted if I should say my best friend or my family goodbye. I chose not to, I didn’t know why at the time, now I know why. I went into my car which I’ve gotten from my grandpa which passed away little over a month ago and I started driving, to the highway. When I got to the roundabout I starting hitting the gas, there was no one on the road. Determined I set trough, I went up to 180km/h I started crying, the tears were running down my face. I gave my brain the impulses to turn my steering wheel and let it be over. My hands wouldn’t move, I was afraid, I didn’t want to end my life, I wanted to feel better, I wanted to get on with my life. So I didn’t do it. I don’t remember how I got to the next day.

Her and I talked, for a long time. At first I tried to hurt her by saying selfish things. I was afraid to change, I was scared of the unknown. I tried to push her away at that moment, but her love was stronger. I broke down, I realised I didn’t want to push her away, I wanted her to stay forever and be my best friend. Since the start of our friendship I doubted her always, once I become useless, she will drift away, like all my friends did. I realized I was the one pushing my friends away, they never tried to leave. I was the one self-destructing. I regret trying to hurt her, it was the most regret I felt in my life. I wanted to apologize but I know I couldn’t solve it this way, not again.

She told me to get help, because she couldn’t anymore. She has helped me for 6 years now, yet I still continued to drift further away in the dark. At first it felt like she didn’t want to help me anymore, but I know it was because I was too far gone, she wanted to help me badly but couldn’t. I realized at that time, I’ve been selfish for 8 years now, when it started, not only to her, but to everyone close to me. I’ve been slowly wearing myself down over there years, people wanted to help me. I responded that I wanted to do it myself, I didn’t need help ”I got this”. Looking back at this I realized I couldn’t be more wrong.

I now felt like I got to know myself a bit better, weirdly enough I felt this way because my best friend got a girlfriend, which was one of my biggest fears. I realized when that time came I needed to change and accept the fact that I never processed my broken hart. I chose to ignore this, put it away and see if it would die by itself.

The first message the girlfriend send to my best friend, I recognized something, I didn’t know what, but it felt familiar. I chose to ignore it yet again. As I got to know her, I saw myself in her, I saw things we had in common in our ways of thinking and our ways of feeling things. I wanted to be her friend, she had become something I wanted to be, I wanted to get to know her. I felt like I could understand myself more when I spoke to her.

With new ways to look at myself, regretting my decisions, I want to move forward, I don’t want to feel like this anymore, I want to move on with my life, let all the tension go. I want to live on my own, study and get my degree, be able to fall in love again, have kids, build a family that also exists of friends. But mainly: I want to be my own first priority and take care of myself and not feel lonely anymore, I was never truly lonely to start with, I was always surrounded with friends, family and people that loved me. And I never want to hurt them like this again.

I now know how I should apologize and solve this. for myself, and for the people I love. I need to face my fears, accept who I am, and love myself. I need to change and not be afraid to change, this is going to be a long and rough path in my life, but It finally feels like I chose the right path again. It’s not a lonely path, it’s a path full of people who support me, people who always got my back, people I can count on when I cant even count on myself.

I’ve never felt more loved than I have ever been loved before, including by myself.

I am sorry for everyone who I’ve hurt in the process of self-destructing, everyone I’ve hurt by sharing the burden of my depression, everyone whom I never listened to because I was afraid to change, Everyone who I’ve tried to push away, and I’m mostly sorry to the people who loved me and witnessed it up close how I tried to live this way without letting them help me.

But mostly, I am thankful for the people who didn’t gave up on me. For myself and you guys, I will overcome this obstacle in my life, not alone anymore.

Thank you