theroadtohappyness-blog1

[theroadtohappyness-blog1]

story of my life. How I would like to be and how I am in reality

[theroadtohappyness-blog1]

im weaker than anyone else I know

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I need to ask myself this whenever i “fall for someone” 

[theroadtohappyness-blog1]

Just LOL-ing at my life

6/23/2019 just realized I have to start dating my notes because i cant see when i write them. Well ok isnt it so fucking hilarious how my last post of 2017 had to do with Jose screwing me over and how much I hate him and never want to speak to or see him again. Well LOL Jennifer. God is still playing tricks on you. well this morning I just got back from a 4 day vacation to Seattle for a conference with none other than the great Jose himself. Lol i DECIDED TO INVITE HIM AFTER BEIG DRUNK AND MISSING HIM AND OMG WORST MISTAKE EVER. We argued the WHOLE time with no break. I cried for so many hours straight. and can you believe he told HE IS GOING TO HAVE A BABY WITH A GIRL HE MET ON BUMBLE. like he literally fucked her twice and shes pregnant lol. idk why, but my heart is completely destroyed. i was so fucking in love with him. I still am in love with him which is why i spent so much of my flight home crying. Fuck dude. Our friendship is completely over. I blocked him on everything but only unfollowed him on IG and did not block him on my phone. so technically im a little bitch and really didnt do shit because I want him to text me,but idk if thats going to happen. Also we fucked for three of the nights and I found out he doesnt use condoms with the girls hes been fucking so yay I have to go get tested for STDs in about 3 weeks. His baby momma also has cervical cancer due to HPV so lets hope that I dont contract that strain too. Ya know, Ive been really scared about having HPV for the past two years and having all these pap smears, and I finally told him about it. He said he felt bad but I think hes mad I never told him. Oh well.. But whatever,. In conclusion seattle sucked so fucking much because he was there and everything he told me. he officially told me he has no feelings for me and us hooking up/kissing/fucking didnt mean anything to him. So ok cool. but whatever. I mean what the fuck am Igoing to do? I cant keep crying anymore about this because its pathetic and a moot point. I need to clean my fucking room and get going with all the shit I need to do because damn jenget the fuck over all these sad things. You deserve so much more than this and you need to HELP YOURSELF. stop making everyone feel pity for you. Youre fucking pathetic and need to just stop. If only I could justget out of bed. It’s so hard. I feel like my life is crumbling. I think Im going to start on wellbutrin again and make an appointmet with my psychiatrist and therapist. I think I need someone else to help me. Im incapable of doing it for myself. Im trying to be nice to myself, but its so hard. Everything is so hard. Why am I like this? Why do I get so depressed over guys all the time. This is so dumb. Why do I feel so lonely when im alone in my room. Cant I just relax without feeling anxiety and sadness. I just dont know. I pray to god for guidance and help, but my prayers are never answered, Its ridiculous, Everyone else around me is happy, in relationships, making great money, beig successful. and all im doing is getting increasingly fat and depressed. DEAR GOD WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN?! 

[theroadtohappyness-blog1]

Well, shit.

Hey, hi again. It’s me again. Poor, pathetic jennifer at your service. Let me just start by saying. fuck jose and i hope he fucking dies that piece of shit. ughhhhh why is he such an asshole. why would you talk about me?!?!? and to olivia, of all people. like wtf. i am so motherfucking angry. but incredibly sad at the same time because he was cool guy to kick it with. but i cant be around people who talk shit about me like. tf i look like keeping toxic people around. im so fucking pisssssssed. ugh why do i attract the motherfucking worst shitty people. i FUCKING SWEAR. i cant fucking keep doing this. i think im just going to be alone and single for the rest of my life. but not by choice, unfortunately. goddddd, why are you doing this to me. continuously sending me grief and sadness over guys. everyone keeps telling me how i should focus on myself and work on myself, but wtf does that even mean? seriously, though. like all i do is work and do school. what do i need to improve on? ugh fuck meeeeeeee. ill leave this here. fuck me 

[theroadtohappyness-blog1]

My little piece of hell

My Room.

One’s room should be described as none other than your little piece of heaven. I so want to be able to describe my room as this. Who I am in my room is completely different from who I am when I am not in my room. Outside of my room, I am wonderful cheerful Jen. The one who is always smiling and to whom nothing ever happens. Inside my room, I am this dark, sad person who really isnt a person at all. The amount of times I have tried to kill myself in that room whether it be with pills or my stupid thoughts. I do the dumbest things in my room. This room contains my pillows. The pillows that hold all my salty tears. The pillows that contain all my covered screams. I want to fucking die sometimes but only within my room. This is the place where I am miserable and lonely. When will I be the same both inside and outside my room. I just don’t know what to do. I fucking hate my thoughts and my feelings. When will this stop?

[theroadtohappyness-blog1]

If this isnt the fucking truth. I kind of never want to fall in that deep again. I only want to fall that deep with myself. fuck guys

[theroadtohappyness-blog1]

i keep trying to overdose in my room. when i am alone in my room, i do the most reckless and impulsive things. i should write about this

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I have a whole bunch of shit that needs to go into a box like this and stick it in the attic or something

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i just want to be happy in this field why swinging. Just like a child, so innocent and with no worries on my mind. only laughing and having a smile on my face. 

Mayrhofen - Austria (by Leo-setä)

[theroadtohappyness-blog1]

eh, i dont want you anymore. she can keep you, dumb fuck

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i need to think about this post more. what am i scared about? i always want to write about my emotions, but im scared writing it will make it worse. But i need to write it all out in order to feel better because i need to have a space where these words come out. i just need to word vomit all over this page because its healthy to talk about things and its healthy to purge in order to feel better. i need a catharsis. 

[theroadtohappyness-blog1]

every fucking minute of my life. can i turn it off at all?

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can i just run away and sleep under this sky?!

Harstad - Norway (by Nick) 

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This is great. You werent even a cup of tea. You were epicac, and now i drink champagne that is my life. fuck you

[theroadtohappyness-blog1]

Ugh as if...

what the fuck is this guy’s problem?! like who the fuck does he think he is. he thinks he can just block me on instagram and delete me off linkedin. first of all, fuck him and his stupidity. linkedin!? really? that is seriously the dumbest shit. its fucking linkedin, not your life bulletin. but at the same time, im glad he did because i dont want him knowing where i work or where i go to school or where i do my shit. Fuck this motherfucker. and instagram?! please. first of all, your insta is private. number two, i dont give a fuck about you. and number three, you changed your name to add another underscore lmao wow yeah i really cant find you now huh. dumb fuck. i should be the one blocking you. youre the dumbass prick who ruined my life. so yeah i blocked you and all your little skanks. and im glad i did because fuck you. i have never been so happy to see someone leave my life. youre the epitome of trash/ why cant you just fucking die and leave my mind and life for fucking ever. god. why did you come into my life?! i do not understand. there is no reason for you to be in my life.  i regret the day that i met you. fuck enterprise, fuck PA, and fuck you. fuck you fuck you fuck you, fuck you. motherfucking asshole

[theroadtohappyness-blog1]

I wonder about this a lot, especially with you know who. Who knows what is going to happen... Im scared