thescarsthatmadeusworld

[thescarsthatmadeusworld]

I stay to myself when I’m in a transitional period because the responses other give kill my soul when I know that wouldn’t be my response. #butterfly

[thescarsthatmadeusworld]

The visa has been approved.

[thescarsthatmadeusworld]

My boss calls me this morning. “I’ve been attacked by a guy from Grindr” She says.

I ask if she’s alright and it’s the typical “you should see the other guy”

All fear awoke inside me. I could feel all of it. Being that scared. Being that worried. If not just him. But of the police, that have recently been granted a “fuck around and don’t find out” they do what they want and don’t get in trouble.

She says she’s okay. But I hear it. I hear the confusion and fear and accomplishment.

I don’t mean accomplishment in a , deserves a reward sorta way, I mean… she took those feelings and allowed someone who was wronging her feel them.

The police are just pawns. This is a world I never thought I would live in. 58 days it took the last.

How do I even feel? Because I’m not sure I can grasp a single thought in my head right now. Maybe the fear or the medicine. Either way I’ll just start.

I have had to handle some situations in my life, but not like this. I have not had to handle myself in a way of physical violence. Nor do I want to. Ever. I do not enjoy fighting like that. It takes too much out of me.

[thescarsthatmadeusworld]

If I have to use one more app to talk to people on, I’m going to scream.

[thescarsthatmadeusworld]

10 years ago… 10 years ago.

[thescarsthatmadeusworld]

15 years from now, tomorrow… be grateful your past is your past.

[thescarsthatmadeusworld]

There will come a day where I will be able to walk into a medical office and not panic about cost.

There will be one day where I am able to go outside and pick my own produce for the evening dinner.

There will be a day where I am able to accommodate others in ways that I have been.

There will be a day where I am able to assist communities with challenges.

[thescarsthatmadeusworld]

I’m not sure how I have accomplished what I have, I am not truly sure how I am still alive some days. I have a story. You have a story. This is mine.

[thescarsthatmadeusworld]

When the world grows cold, become the light. When the world seems helpless, help for hope, not for happiness. Help to ensure sustainability.

[thescarsthatmadeusworld]

I had all of these times I put my own life at risk. Put yours at risk. All to escape.

[thescarsthatmadeusworld]

When I was in high school I was determined to buy every single solid color Hollister boxers.

[thescarsthatmadeusworld]

There was this one time when I was with Alex and blueberry yum yum was blasting in her dad’s suv. I just got back from the dispo and I finally found it. It’s better now.

[thescarsthatmadeusworld]

The morning I came over when Jake and Joey went to find jobs, I should have known then you would let anyone in your bed. But you should have known that I was just a fucking 21 kid who had nothing figured out. You used me and groomed me.

[thescarsthatmadeusworld]

#2025 goals:

Tefl certificate plus 1 additional in depth certificate

Solar power the lair

Self sufficient garden/ farmers market

Complete 1 crochet project a month

Continue Spanish lessons (Duolingo/spanish101)library card>printer

[thescarsthatmadeusworld]

I have to remember that I used to be 14 and in love with someone who tore my world apart and I went to therapy just to find a way to leave her. I have been an addict who was a terrible person. I used to be a worse person than I am now. And that’s growth.

[thescarsthatmadeusworld]

I’m in Knoxville. This feeling can just go away.

[thescarsthatmadeusworld]

I typed your sister’s name into instagram realizing nothing at all would pop up. Wild thing, something did. Something I haven’t seen before. An account. She looks like she’s doing great. Wearing my clothes still. Judah. Man. He looks great. I found the animals. Fj is huge! I’m glad you still have him. And you. I found yours. The hair. The cosplay. The videos. My heart is so full. My heart is still beating out of my chest and this is after a long time of even thinking about writing this. I’m not sure how to feel or how to process what I am even feeling. You look so happy and proud. You have grown up to be… and this is where the thoughts started. Like a whirlwind. I have no idea how you have grown up. So I’m not sure how to end this. Except. I love you. That’s all.

Letter from a step dadxo