theserendipretty

[theserendipretty]

My favorite thing in March.

di setiap tanggal -28 Maret- ini aku selalu mengalami berbagai macam emosi. senang, sentimental, tidak menyangka, dan penasaran. tapi tenang, lebih banyak senangnya kok.

senang karena kita bisa merayakannya lagi bersama-sama. sentimental karena teringat akan di samping banyak hal yang sudah terjadi, kita masih bisa mempertahankan apa yang sudah kita bangun meskipun harus terjatuh dan bangun lagi. tidak menyangka karena semakin besar juga angka hari jadi yang kita rayakan dan terlebih lagi merayakannya denganmu. penasaran apa yang terjadi setelah ini apakah kita akan tetap bisa merayakannya bersama selama mungkin.

kau dan aku tahu sudah begitu banyak hal yang kita lalui bersama selama bertahun-tahun. kita tumbuh dan menjadi dewasa bersama. bahagia akan hal yang paling kecil hingga hal besar yang tidak pernah kita duga. kecewa atas kejadian diluar ekspektasi kita. sedih karena banyak hal juga di mana kita merasa saling menyakiti dan tersakiti. marah pada sesuatu yang menyebalkan. menertawai lelucon-lelucon garing. menangis dan menyesal telah berbuat kesalahan. segala macam emosi kita rasakan bersama, dan aku mensyukuri segalanya dengan teramat. di atas itu semua, aku sangat bangga karena kita bisa melewatinya bersama-sama, kita bisa menemukan jalan keluarnya.

masalah akan selalu datang silih berganti seakan tak ada habisnya. tanpa terkecuali di hubungan ini. realistis saja, dalam hubungan jika tidak ditaburi garam akan terasa hambar bukan? hal yang perlu kita lakukan bersama adalah memberinya gula agar rasanya menjadi sedap. mari kita tumbuhkan bunga-bunga di taman yang sudah kita bangun. ayo kita rawat taman mekar penuh bunga ini sampai kita renta.

renta.. menua bersamamu, menikmati taman penuh bunga dan melihat sunset terdengar sangat menyenangkan.

to be honest, for me, it's scary to think about settle down but it's much scarier not to do it with you.

so, my love, i am waiting for you until that day comes. dont worry, it's always been you.

Happy 5th Anniversary, A! ♡

[theserendipretty]

darkness

Aku pernah melihat kegelapan sebelumnya, tapi tidak seperti ini

Ini dingin, ini kosong, ini mati rasa

Harapan hilang dan lampu padam

Halo, kegelapan, aku sudah menyerah.

Aku tidak tahu lagi apa yang benar

tidak dapat menemukan arah pulang, aku sendirian

Di mana cahaya saat aku membutuhkannya?

Aku tetap berjalan melewati kegelapan ini

Duduk sendirian dalam gelap

Tubuhku terlalu gelisah

Tanpa sadar kehilangan tidur malamku lagi

Pikiran suram selalu menghantui

Banyak orang memberiku cahaya terang, tapi kegelapan akan menyerapnya

Apakah 'dia' tidak ingin aku bahagia?

Terlalu lama dalam gelap membuatku tersadar

Bahwa telah kutemukan kenyamanan di dalamnya

Berteman dengan kegelapan,

Tidak ada lagi alasan untuk hidup.

[theserendipretty]

dua ribu dua satu.

aku tidak mau berbagi kesusahanku di sini tentang bagaimana tahun ini memperlakukanku, bukan itu yang akan aku tulis.

karena aku tahu setiap tahunnya pasti ada kebahagiaan dan kesedihan yang terus menemaniku, dan aku sudah sangat bersahabat dengan itu.

dan juga aku tidak ingin menulis tentang bagaimana aku berjuang untuk bertahan, karena itu adalah cerita untuk lain waktu.

kali ini aku ingin mengapresiasi diriku sendiri.

rasanya sudah lama aku tidak melakukannya. aku rindu pada diriku sendiri.

"it's the end of this year..

thank you for being who i am now. it's amazing how much change and adjustment i've been through to become like this. im beyond proud of myself. my time will come, it's my turn soon. pls hang in there a little longer."

itu adalah kata sederhananya yang kutulis di akun twitterku.

di sini aku akan mencoba menulis lebih panjang.

di hari terakhir tahun ini, aku ingin berterima kasih untuk diriku..

terima kasih karena telah menjadi diriku yang sekarang.

sungguh menakjubkan mengingat betapa banyak perubahan dan penyesuaian diri yang telah ku lalui hingga menjadi seperti leo yang sekarang.

banyak pelajaran yang ku petik tentang bagaimana hal kecil yang tidak ku sangka-sangka ternyata membawa kebahagiaan yang besar untukku. tentang bagaimana aku selalu mengejar sesuatu hal yang besar, tapi ternyata kebahagiaan kecil ini selalu bersamaku. tentang bagaimana menikmati syukur yang sudah diberikan oleh Tuhan mau sekecil apapun itu rezekinya. dan saya bisa menghabiskan waktu dengan baik dan bersyukur sepanjang tahun ini.

untuk itulah aku sangat bangga pada diriku sendiri.

aku yakin bahwa waktuku akan segera tiba, dan giliran saya sebentar lagi. tolong leo, bertahanlah di sana sedikit lebih lama!

aku memahami bahwa jelasnya setiap manusia mempunyai waktu mereka sendiri-sendiri untuk bersinar. dan aku adalah orang yang percaya bahwa takdir sudah tertulis jauh sebelum aku dilahirkan. takdir memang tidak ada yang tahu, namun selagi aku memiliki segala kekuatan untuk berjuang, aku akan melakukan hal yang terbaik untuk diriku.

aku tidak ingin bersinar seterang matahari. itu terlalu besar untuk orang kecil dan tidak spesial sepertiku. aku hanya ingin menjadi leo yang bersinar setidaknya seperti bintang terkecil di alam semesta ini. meskipun bintangnya kecil, tapi tetap saja bintang ini mempunyai binar cahaya terang dan turut membantu untuk membuat langit malam menjadi lebih indah.

aku hanya berani membandingkan diri ini dengan diri sendiri di masa lalu. karena hanya dengan begitu, aku dapat mengetahui sudah seberapa jauh aku melangkah.

jadi jika dibandingkan aku di tahun 2020 dan aku di tahun 2021, aku sangat bahagia di tahun ini. "bahagia" mungkin kata yang terdengar sangat biasa bagimu, tetapi untukku pribadi itu bisa mencakup segalanya bagiku.

yang jelas aku sangat senang dengan diriku karena aku akan selalu berusaha menjadi versi diriku yang lebih baik, dan aku akan terus melakukannya!

aku tidak ingin ber-resolusi apa-apa. yang akan kulakukan berikutnya hanyalah aku yang akan terus berjalan maju.

dua ribu dua dua, selamat datang dan bertemanlah denganku :)

[theserendipretty]

anyone can want you, but the love hits different when someone actually values you.

[theserendipretty]

and you guessed it right..

several years have passed and our feelings for each other are growing, even stronger.

I like to admit, I always found you very fascinating.

and when I got to know you truly, I fell for you more.

[theserendipretty]

Tau nggak kenapa senja begitu menyenangkan?

Kadang dia merah merekah bersinar oranye keunguan bahagia, kadang dia hitam kelam kelabu berduka.

Karena langit selalu menerima senja apa adanya.

[theserendipretty]

you ever feel like.. no matter what you do, you're gonna fail?

like you're stuck in some miserable abyss and you're so deep you can't even see the light of day?

i just feel like no matter how hard i try.. i'm not strong enough to climb out of that hole.

someday, i'll find my way.

[theserendipretty]

I'm far from beautiful, I'm not good looking.

Why do you still want to be with me?

You can easily get a prettier woman than me. Even all your friends seem to look more attractive than me. Then why still choose me?

I feel like I'm not worthy of you. I am far from perfect.

[theserendipretty]

day by day looking at people nowadays, i become more and more confused and creeped out. because i've seen on social media that someone vents that she is bored with her boyfriend because he's not fun, he's not like other guys on tiktok like this, not like other guys on instagram like that either, and so on. vice versa.

imagine.. being rejected or broke up just for such silly reasons.

have you ever rejected someone because they're so boring?

well listen here, maybe they aren't boring,

maybe you aren't attracted to them because they're NOT TOXIC.

yeah, that's right.

maybe you're so messed up that decent people seem uninteresting to you.

[theserendipretty]

"i still love you"

"even at my worst?"

"especially at your worst"

[theserendipretty]

still with you, A.

This photo was taken when we were on vacation at one of the beaches in the southern Malang, on October 2, 2021.

We spend the night by the beach with two tents, two hammocks and one bonfire. Even though the sun has not risen yet, we already enjoyed the waves of the beach. Enjoying the beach breeze which was also not too cold at that day, so I slept on your thighs. We kissed, hugged and looked into each other's eyes. Everything was so complete.

I remember you said that you didn't like this photo because your cheek look so chubby and fat.

It's totally nonsense..

You look so perfect. perfect for me.

And you know.. This is the most favorite photo among all our photos.

Because we were not purposely posing for the camera. I did see you and you looked at me so intensely. At that time, I tried my best to keep my cheeks from blushing because of shyness.

Well all that i can say is that day became one of the best days for me. We were all having fun, healing ourselves from the harsh reality. It feels like the beach has always become a vitamin for you and me.

In beautiful memories, on a quiet beach

By the time the fog is disappeared, I will wander around with my wet feet

And hold your hand even tighter.

I want to stay like this as long as possible

For every day in every moment

From we laugh together, until we cry together

I guess these simple feelings are everything to me.

Whatever happens, I will not forget it.

Behind the faint smile that stared at me,

I will draw purple and orange glows from the beautiful sky.

Even though I'm standing under the frozen sunset,

I will walk slowly towards you.

Still with you, A.

[theserendipretty]

One day, you will definitely disappoint others

Not because you did it on purpose, not because you are bad either

It’s just a part of living, you can’t make everyone happy.

[theserendipretty]

shadow

You may know that I used to be a person with a very confident personality. I think that if you love one person, you won't like anyone else. If you just admire the beauty of others, I can still understand. but liking her with your feelings involved? It is a whole different thing.

I confidently believed that I have a physical visual that satisfies you. But it turns out that I was totally wrong.

"You're so naive. That's pathetic!" Yes, it's very sad.

I realized that humans will never be satisfied, and your actions have proven it.

I used to believe that I was beautiful in every version, now I feel visually unattractive from various angles of the eye. This makes me vulnerable and small. I began to question the strenghts that I have, is it true that it can be called a strenght? I started doubting my principles, blaming myself, trampling on my own pride, and feeling sorry for myself.

I suddenly felt like I didn't recognize myself. What am i?

This is very tiring.

From now on, the person who write this just want to be the best version of herself, I realize all my flaws and will not lift my head even higher.

If you think that I will change my standard of beauty into that person, then you are very wrong. I realized that I would never be able to meet everyone's standards of beauty. I'm different, I'm not the same as them. The only standard I apply right now is my own self.

If you can't accept it, I won't blame you either. Because what do I expect? I'm so perfectly imperfect compared to someone you liked. Someone we called "shadow".

I'm full of wounds.

And I don't know if one day I will be able to win from that shadow.

-----

[theserendipretty]

enjoy the ride

what will happen to us in the future..

now i think that i can enjoy every moment that we have rather than being afraid of what will happen next.

[theserendipretty]

Never regret

Someone you love can give you the most beautiful day to remember,

but someone you love can also give you the greatest pain to remember.

I don't know which one is right for me.

What I do know is that if we have the courage to give our whole heart to others, which means we also must be prepared if in the future we have to feel heartbreak.

I don't know which one is better for me.

It becomes scary because I have felt both.

There have been so many countless beautiful memories that we have made together and those deserve to be remembered always, but you are also the one who has pierced my heart until it cracked to all its parts.

Hi there, you are like my Yin and Yang.

You balance me. The good and the bad cannot be separated because they are designed as one package.

I'm so grateful for this beautiful serendipity.

This maybe sounds so cheesy, but meeting you was a blessing for me. And I think God has written our story there too. I remember, you and I are two people who have lost their way and have no home to return to. Then I met you again after years of being apart and later it makes us become 'us'.

You help me a lot to overcome all my fears, and I always accompany you to get out of the confusion mazes.

We always strengthen each other.

However, we also hurt each other sometimes.

and I won't regret it..

Remember this; I will never regret meeting you again.

I don't know how fate will treat us at the end of our story, but I wish the ending is as bright and beautiful as the sunrise.

One time for the present, two time for the past

I'm happy that we met each other again, now until the very end.

[theserendipretty]

in the rain

The sky is starting to get cloudy and dark

When we're in the park

Light rain falling in very fine drops and people are running

"Should we take a shelter too?"

Our clothes are wet in the rain

At each other's gaze

With our intertwined hands

We are saying the same thing

Somehow it feels like the rain wind tonight is not too cold

It's because we are dancing in the rain.

[theserendipretty]

The unspoken truth

In a garden full of flowers and its thorns, I hang myself in the sand castle.

I want to show you the broken part of me, but I can't.

I am sorry..

I put the mask on and come to you,

and I still want you.

I saw a flower seems to resemble you and I wanted to give it to you right after I take this silly mask off.

But I know I can never do that because I'm full of flaws.

All I can do in this garden -- in this ground and in this world -- is that I bloom a beautiful flower just like you and live it like me that you already know..

but I still want you.

I'm so afraid that in the end you'll leave me again

I will be utterly sad, but what can I do about it?

I'm all alone

The walls can't hold it anymore

I throw away the mask and let it sink in the clear lake

Disappeared. Fallen. The sand castle that has been destroyed left along with the broken mask..

after all, I still want you.