theshipmadeofbrokenparts-blog - Tumblr blog

[theshipmadeofbrokenparts-blog]

Merry Christmas Eve. 🎄 We still take these dishes out of storage when December hits. Growing up, I was always super excited when we got to eat off these special bowls and plates. Tonight I received them from M, for a gift. Margaret is someone who thinks about the little things. She is the person who gets you the gift, you never knew you wanted. She is someone who can take you into a thrift store and make you see the magic all around you. She is the person who knows what I’m thinking with just a bat of an eye or a glance. She is someone who sees the good in everyone. And strives to make the world a better place every single day. Her room is scattered with pictures of places, people, and words that are important to her. She knits and leaves notes in the book she is reading. She makes you see the important part, so borrow books from her. People are drawn to her. She is everything. M’s story is just beginning and she has already done so much. The butterfly process of her life is about to take place and while part of me is sad to see her leave me behind, my heart bursts with pride to have been able to live so close to her for the last 23 years. I have learned so much and my heart has exceeded the amount of proudness it can hold. I’m so happy to get her next to me for the next few months, but I cannot wait for her to graduate in May, so I can see where this World takes her. Thanks for the bowls and plates, sis. You are my heart.

[theshipmadeofbrokenparts-blog]

The story behind ‘The Ship Made of Broken Parts’

I’ve decided that it’s about time that I start writing again. I am somebody who is always carrying around a pad of paper, okay - multiple notebooks. I’m not the most organized person in the world, so I thought maybe it was time to start ‘blogging again.’ Not for anyone, but myself. Just to write down my thoughts. Keep myself accountable. Feel like myself again. 

I am 35 weeks and 2 days pregnant today. Little girl is making my coffee cup dance on my stomach and I have ‘How The Grinch Stole Christmas’ playing on the TV. I’ve been having a harder time falling to sleep at night, which happens when you get so late into your pregnancy. I have to get up to pee all of the time, but it’s also really hard for me to shut my brain off. I just keep asking myself how I can make life for myself better. How I can be a better girlfriend. How I can be happier. How I can provide for my little one, once she is here. How I’m going to be able to do everything I’ve been doing, now that I will have a daughter that will depend on me for everything. 

And so this is where this comes in. I have plans. There are things that I know I need to do and want to do, to make my life better. Our lives better. But I had a moment where it felt like I was slapped in the face. I got told by somebody very close to me that I am always making plans, but never following through with them. And the sad thing was, that they weren’t wrong. I can dream up the perfect scenario. I can write down how I’m going to change my life and show you exactly how I will be happier, but when it comes to following through and actually doing it - that’s a different story. 

And that’s why we are here again. These are not just ideas in my head. These are not just ‘if you were smart enough,’ ‘if you would have started when you were younger,’ ‘if you could go back in time,’ ‘if only you had more money,’ this is YOU ARE ENTIRELY CAPABLE OF DOING THIS, so do it now. I had a post on Instagram that really spoke out to me the other. It was literally the day that I decided that if I wanted something bad enough, that I would make it happen.

“What if we stopped asking, ‘How will this turn out?’ And ceased wondering if we’re meant to take a certain route. What if we recognized our path is wherever we step? And surrendered any feelings of stagnation and regret. What if we no longer held on to what has been? And remembered we are weavers of our own fate.” 

And so this is where my new journey begins. Baby B’s due date is in just 34 days. I want to give her a life of light, love, and laughter. I want to raise her, so she doesn’t have anxiety and that she believes in herself more than anything else in this world. I need her to see her worth. And I will make sure that I make this happen.

This summer I am going to be taking a 72 hour Nurse Aid class. May 14 - June 14. I will also have to take a Human Anatomy and Physiology 1 with a lab. That way I can get into the RN program this fall. A registered nurse. I have put myself down my whole entire life, because I just never thought that I was smart enough to do something like that. To be a nurse? No way. For some reason I have always put myself into a bubble of just being that person that can’t memorize things or that just doesn’t pick up on things as fast as other people. And so I never pushed myself to be the best that I could be, because I thought I had reached my full potential. And at 23 I am finally realizing that, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Now I know what I am capable of. I am somebody that WILL succeed if she puts her mind fully towards something and this is something that is going to happen. I am going to help people. I am going to make people feel comfortable. I am going to provide for my little girl and more importantly I am going to be happy. So much happiness.

By the time my daughter will be 2 years old, I will be a Registered Nurse. I will be healthy (we’ll discuss that on my next post) and most importantly, I will be happy. Bring on 2018 and the next journey of my life. 

I’m so ready for you.

'The Ship Made Of Broken Parts Can Still Go Anywhere' - "You only fix the things you feel deserve to be fixed, as if you're a special kind of person who doesn't deserve to sort their own life out because of who they are. Like your brokenness is a symptom of being you. 'I can let that wait. I don't need to do this because I don't deserve to have it done. My life is always only ever incomplete. And yet, no one deserves the full benefit of being you, more than you."