thestaringgirlsshadow

[thestaringgirlsshadow]

Chapter 31: 

I Can’t 

The Lighthouse

Oh God

Mercy 

One morning… 

My Mom was working as a school aid at Washington Elementary for children with disabilities. She did this in between her bus route. 

The Call. . . 

Her Uncle Jimmy died. 

It was April 1st and she thought it was cruel joke. 

She had been awaiting a call about her dad. 

Since, he had been battling cancer for a year. 

She went crumbling into the floor. 

It was not her dad dead; it was her mother’s brother. 

He was like a father to her. 

When My Mom’s mom died. 

My Uncle Jim & Jerry became the strangest Grandmothers you could have. They showered us with love and support. They filled our days with sunshine and joy. They both got big pools and always had awesome snacks. There is not more to life as a kid. 

A cool pool and a pink bubblegum. Getting thrown into pools for hours by your big army uncles. Life was the best. My Aunt Tina and Lorraine would be ready with comfy towels. 

They showered us with all kinds of love. 

When Uncle Jim died. 

Everything changed. 

Tragic and grief Umbrella came over our house and never left. 

All these years later. 

Here we are. 

He died unexpecting from a Heart Attack. 

The same cause of death as his sister. 

The Heart Attack was brought on from years of alcoholism. 

We just got settled from our home getting set on fire. 

Now, we must prepare for a funeral. 

The Lighthouse 

This was the first time I went to a mall. 

We needed to get black dresses for The Funerals. 

We were preparing to lose Our Grandpa, but he outlived our uncle. 

It was a Catholic service. 

I was 8 years old. 

Since he was high ranking Navy Officer. 

It was full miliary. 

This was not my first funeral, but it was the first of someone I grew up with. He was apart of My Life. We swam and played. 

He had a big personally and huge heart. 

That heart gave out. 

Now… I had to look up his lifeless face in a cassette. 

We covered  him in memories. Filling his cassette with pictures and keepsakes. By the time everyone was done. You could not see his body. 

His brother, his twin. 

Put two golf balls on his nuts. 

I asked My Uncle why… 

He laughs, whipping his tear. 

He said, “ It makes me laugh and it will make Uncle Jimmy laugh in heaven. Now, he can play golf whenever he wants”

We went to the burial site. 

When we arrived, after a full day of catholic services that when on for the entire week. 

That day it was a all-day event with multiple locations. 

We all watched around to grab a carination. Sat down. 

I hold My Moms hand and lean into her to cry. 

Then The Guns went off. 

I walled the biggest cry from My little eight-year-old body. 

Everyone in the place stared at me and started to cry. 

I didn’t know what was happening. 

Everyone else was prepared. 

It was 21 one-gun salute 

to honor his service in the military. 

I was 8 and thought we under attack.

My Mom whispered in her tears, 

“ its okay. . . 

               Its okay. 

                          Its okay. 

                                                                   Its okay” 

Oh God 

It continued and I slowed my crying, in realization that we weren’t under attacked. My mom walked me outside to watch them. 

I see service men and women walking in a march to honor My Uncle. I let the tears roll from My Face. I watched My Mom try to bear the weight of it all. 

My grandfather was too weak to attend the service. 

His wife was there. There stood there with me. I listened talk about his care. They knew that we would be back here soon. 

Two week later. 

We get told that My Grandpa had died of Lung Cancer. 

We wore the same clothes to the same funeral home. 

This time I was prepared for the 21-gun salute. 

In the same seat with the same flower. 

My Mom whispered, 

“ Stacy they are going to shoot the gun again okay. 

Brace yourself, babe. K.” 

I buried My face into her chest as the guns went off. 

I did not want to be stared at as I cried. 

When it stopped. 

We walked outside. 

After this funeral. 

The Pills found My Family. 

The flooded into our home and never left. 

My mom cried and cried. 

My mom tired and tired. 

She was battled four teenage daughters, 

Who thought they knew best. 

My mom lost herself in her grief. 

My mom lost herself in her pain. 

My mom lost herself in her addiction. 

It took along time for My Mom to finally shake her addiction. 

But… she did. 

That’s all the matter. 

Mercy 

She did. 

She did not die of overdose or heart attack from too much booze. 

She got to live many years clean. 

Out of 32 years on the planet. 

My Mom had substance abuse problem for 10 years of those. 

She drank a lot, but alcoholic was lesser or evil. 

The scars of watching everyone die so young. 

The scars of staring at my mom living in sadness. 

I did not want to ever be angry at My Mom. 

I understood her pain. 

I knew she was trying so hard to be better. 

We had a great life and made wonderful memories. 

She had some painful years. 

But.. we all do. 

Considering the pain, she went through. 

She is lucky to have got passed it. 

She is lucky to have survived it. 

She could have put a needle in her arm and never woke up. 

She did not. 

She was getting so close to that fate. 

She lost access to The Magic Pills. 

She laid in bed and got sober. 

She sweated and vomited. 

She suffered the pain of withdraws. 

One day she arose and made some food. 

She asked me to go with her to a food bank. 

We needed food. 

She was jobless and about to be homeless. 

The consequences of addiction were finding her. 

I was 18 years old, and it was the first time

I was back in her life. 

When the pills about to kill her. 

I left. 

I was 14 years old. 

I was done. 

Runaway 

Kayne West 

Since. . . 

I was 8 years old. 

I watched pills slowly killing my mom. 

I could not do it anymore. 

I held the stories of her mother in My Heart. 

The terror of finding my mom like her mom. 

That was a terror that I could not bear.

This was from when I was 8-year-old girl. 

When I look at My Son. 

It is a mirror of what My Mom seen. 

My Mom was MORE than . . . 

                                             An Addict. 

My Mom. . . 

She was a The Best School Bus Driver. 

She was Candy Striper. 

She was Bowler Champion. 

She was a Nurse. 

She was Girl Scout Organizer. 

She is a Friend. 

She is a mother. 

She is a grandmother. 

She is Here. 

She was so much more that the sum or a few mistakes. 

I have sat and thought about 

How different My Life would have been?

if My Mom would have had the treatment I had. 

I smoked weed, instead of prescriptions. 

They wanted to put me on Lithium level pills. 

They prescript me ATIVAN. 

A benzo. 

My Mom addiction started with a Benzo. 

It’s a sweet relief to the pressure of sadness. 

The weight gets lifted off and carried away. 

It starts with… 

But… I need them 

And 

I am different. 

I wont be the one. 

I wont be like the others. 

I wont get addiction. 

I am better than that 

[thestaringgirlsshadow]

Chapter 30: 

Stealing Kisses

Enemy 

Just Like You

My Grandmother wanted better for . . .

                                               My Mom. 

She did not want her to 

Struggle with having children. . . 

                                                too young. 

Start the dance with The Devil. 

My Mom followed her mother. 

Heartbreak landed My Mom with a 

Bottle of liquor and a regret. 

A positive pregnancy test later. 

She found herself walking 

The same path as her mother. 

A path she judged her mother for. 

Now, she was just a poor girl in a trailer park. 

Filled with a belly of regret. 

Her mother was angry. 

Mad at herself that she allowed it. 

She tried to raise her better. 

She was too blinded by alcoholic and her own pride. 

My mom needed her mothers help with her daughters. 

After baby number one at 18 years old. 

Two more followed with twins. 

Years of My Mom screaming at her mom. 

Calling her a Drunk Whore. 

Now… My Mom became just a Drunk Whore. 

Enemy

Imagine Dragons & JID 

She shamed her mom for years. 

Now the tables have turned. 

My Grandmother was not going to raise her babies. 

Like… her mom did for her. 

She wanted her to step up. 

You think its so easy. 

Do it yourself. 

She wanted her to feel the responsibility. 

She wanted her to raise her kids. 

My Grandmother missed a lot of My Mom’s life due to being drunk. She stayed gone in someone’s bed. Escaping reality. She did not want that life for her daughter. She wanted her to grow up and be a mom. She knew that would make her prouder. She knew that is what was right. 

My Mom just thought it was to punish her. 

My Mom just thought her mom was being a Bitch. 

She told her so on the last time they spoke. 

The years of fighting. The last time they spoke. They were in the same endless fight. My Mom feeling like her mom was being unfair. 

My Mom wanted a sitter. 

My Grandmother refused. 

Unless she was at work. 

She was to take care of her children.

My Mom wanted a break from 3 babies.

She wanted to escape the pain. 

She did not want my mom to be able to drink. 

JUST LIKE YOU

NF

If the babies were around. 

She wouldn’t get drunk. 

She was trying to save her. 

My Mom thought it was a punishment. 

My Grandmother did not want to cause pain. 

Sure, she wanted her babies around. 

But… 

One. . . she wanted to get fucked up. 

Two… she wanted My Mom to be a better mom than she was. 

My Grandmother was trying to give tough love. 

My Mom made the mistake once. 

The mistake of having a baby too young. 

Then. . . 

She turned around and let it happen again. 

That was The Perception. 

Perception is not The Truth. 

Bitch 

Meredith Brooks 

My Grandmother was mad.

Mad that she did it again. 

Her daughter got pregnant at 18 years old. 

It was not in high school. 

But… she was still a child. 

She wanted her to go after her dreams. 

My Mom wanted to be an author. 

She wanted to write books to music. 

She wanted her to be more than that. . . 

                                                The Drunk Whore. 

Her sadness from years of fighting with her mom. 

Led her to the bottle that My Catholic family loved so much. 

My Mom does not like to admit defeat. 

She was defeated. 

To Be Loved 

Adele 

My Mom was trying to . . . 

                          raise her baby with the father. 

One Problem. 

He was a psycho. 

Those twins were made. 

He Forced himself inside of her. 

When My Mom tired to leave. 

He did not want to give up The Source. 

He was going to get off one more time. 

She was living with the father of her daughter. 

Trying to do. . . 

                              The Right Thing. 

Have a relationship with her Rapist.

She wanted to leave. 

But.. her mom was not allowing her give up. 

But…The father was beating her. 

Hitting her. 

Kicking her. 

Destroying her physically & emotionally. 

She was preparing to finally break free. 

She was held down and raped. 

Then she had another positive pregnancy test. 

Night Moves 

Bob Segar

Not one baby. 

But… two. 

During this time. 

My Mom was drinking more than ever. 

Her best friend just died of cancer.

Other friends dying in tragic car accidents. 

My Mom was completely shattered. 

My Grandmother thought tough love was the best love. 

She made is hard for My Mom. 

Both would regret this decision. 

My Dad picked My Mom up from a Women shelter. 

My Mom had an 18 month old child with baby twins girls. 

She strapped them in in a T-Bird. 

They drove away from that life. 

My Mom did not have coats for her babies. 

My Dad sold his car and bought winter coats for the babies. 

My Grandmother did not want My Mom to jump into another relationship. She fought with My Mom. My Mom did not want to go home. There were two drunks fighting. My Mom had nowhere to go. She was starting a new life. My Mom asked My Grandmother for help. 

But… My Mom needed a sitter to party. 

My Grandmother was not going to babysit, while My Mom got fucked up. She refused. 

My Mom started screaming at her mom in the middle of Gaslight Trailer Park. Calling her only mother, a drunk whore. A selfish bitch. Then told her she hated her. 

Later that week. 

She gets the call. 

Her Mom is Dead in a Bathtub. 

Not the toilet like Elvis. 

The Tub. 

She is proud of this and thinks its funny. 

My Grandmother is a funny person. 

Like me. 

She had the belch and radio going. 

Her mad was scrubbing the walls. 

When that arm that was bothering her. 

Now… She was blacking out and passed out. 

Never to awake. 

Her screaming at the person she cared about the most. 

That was the last time she spoke to her daughter. 

She wishes that she would have just watched the kids. 

Maybe… she wouldn’t have been so angry. 

Maybe… she would have lived. 

But… that was not her fate. 

She was found unconscious by her husband. 

At least the bathtub was clean. 

Bad 

Michael Jackson

My Mom did not find My Grandmother. 

That was her husband Brenie. 

Brenie was 10 years younger than My Grandmother 

Brenie was also alcoholic. 

He screamed and yelled at My Grandmother. 

I have spent years 

Staring at that regret on both of their faces. 

Everyone treated her like. . . 

                      The Drunk Whore. 

Since… 1966. 

Now…. She was Dead. 

Noone could go back and heal that. 

Noone could go back and say sorry. 

Noone could apologize. 

Noone seen the sad scared little girl. 

Everyone blamed her. 

Everyone Labeled her. 

Everyone told her to calm down. 

Everyone told her to fall in line. 

She did not. 

She refused. 

When she did not know what to do. 

She turned on The Music. 

She faded into The Melody. 

She lost herself in it. 

The Day of her death. 

She was having a lot of arm pain. 

She was starting a new job. 

She was waiting for insurance. 

She just wanted to get her chores down. 

She knew that if that bathroom was not clean. 

Her angry alcoholic husband was scream. 

She did not want to hear it. 

It was her home. 

But… he was paying the bills. 

She was in between jobs. 

He liked her home. 

Have a. . . 

Clean house & wet wife. 

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap 

AC/DC

That was all he cared about. 

the rumors were turning. 

That he was slipping out of the marriage. 

He was only there for the free trailer. 

She was battling against. . . 

                           the aging woman she was. 

The years of fighting was catching up to her. 

The years of trauma was siting on 

                              her chest like a weight. 

The weight of it all. 

She finally gave up. 

She stopped fighting. 

She let the pain kill her. 

The Pressure of Life that was sitting on her chest. 

That pressure  killed her. 

That pressure was her murderer. 

Now… 

The Family that treated her like. . . 

                             The Drunk Whore. 

The Tree 

Lori McKenna 

The Family was crying in regret. 

What could they have done? 

How could they have changed this?

If only they would have.. 

If only they seen it. 

If only they would have intervened. 

But… Fate is Fate. 

Death chooses you. 

You can not change what has been done. 

You must learn from it.  

In My Mom sorrow. 

She found comfort in My Dad. 

One year later a baby. 

A baby that was a surprise. 

But… a welcomed one. 

From the time I got out of the wound. 

I was treated like Gail. 

I was looked as I was her. 

They loved me like they wished 

They could have loved their little sister. 

They loved me in a way they could not love her. 

They told me her story. 

They did not want me to follow down that path. 

The path of a goodtime becoming a regret. 

As a young girl it was confusing. 

Then I came of age. 

I understood The Warnings. 

Set Fire to The Rain

Adele 

My grandmother turned on music to clean the mad away. 

Something that I have done time and time again. 

I am pissed. 

I am going to clean. 

Clean until I am not mad anymore. 

Turning up the music as loud as it go. 

Mixing as many chemicals as possible. 

Not… giving any fucks about anything. 

All I know is I am pissed. 

I want to be productive. 

I want to at least do something 

that makes me feel accomplished. 

Even if its only the bathtub. 

It’s the suckiest chore.

When this chore is done. 

Then a cold beer to wash away The Rest of Mad. 

The Mad that the cleaning did not rid. 

The Mad that was still lingering. 

The cold beer was taken the rest away. 

Just Look Up

Ariana Grande & Kid Cudi

My Grandmother never made it to The Cold Beer. 

She died in her mad. 

She died before her sweet release of a cracking the seal. 

Her mad was a long list of shit that of no one cares about. 

That is how she felt. 

I know. 

That is exactly how I felt in December 2020. 

Why even bother telling you. 

You do not care. 

Not like real care. 

I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing 

Aerosmith

When. . . 

She was 44 at the time of her death.

She stopped trying to fight to be heard. 

Noone cared. 

If . . . 

She got to the point she was so mad.

So mad that she could not breath. 

She drank. 

That was all she knew. 

Drink if you are sad. 

Drink if you are mad. 

Drink if you are happy. 

Just… Drink. 

That is just what you did. 

Drink. 

She did was she was taught. 

But… it was not lady like to be a drunk. 

Even though she was raised in it. 

Even though that was all she knew. 

Even though everyone else did.

She was labeled. . . 

                          The Drunk Whore. 

She grew up and did not care what people said about her. 

It was a small-town Goshen, OH. 

She did not give a fuck about rumors. 

She was concerned with her daughter’s decision making. 

Seems like Mother like daughter. 

My Mom was picking up her mothers broken crown. 

She was carrying The Generational Curse. 

My Grandmother was trying to tell her to not wear it. 

Do not pick it up. 

Do not put that crown on her head. 

It will kill your soul. 

It will rob you of years. 

It will take and take until you have nothing left to give. 

In My Grandmother final battle to save her daughter. 

It cost hers. 

When she died. 

She was pissed at her daughter. 

Angry at her husband. 

She was sick and exhausted. 

She just wanted to get the bathroom clean. 

Sit down with a beer and stereo. 

She never got to that. 

Too many years dancing with beer and stereo. 

Caused her to find herself dead in a bathtub in a trailer park. 

My Mom lost her mother when she was 22 years old. 

Then I was made. 

One year to the day. 

I was born. 

My entire family stared at me, as if I was her. 

Retelling that story, as many times as I needed to hear it. 

My Grandfather Brenie & My Mom 

Looked at me with tears in their eyes.

Like, I was her. 

I spent My Life trying to learn from her lessons. 

Fuck the Pain Away

Peaches

As I got older. . . 

I started to understand the pain to lose you mom that young. 

I started to understand why everyone drank. 

I grew up with a fear that My Mom would die like that. 

My Mom is a lot like her mom. 

She escapes the trauma with a beer and stereo. 

Her traumas got louder. 

Her traumas needed to be silence. 

Her traumas brought magic pills. 

Her judgement was now a reality for herself.

She found herself a mess. 

She found herself living her judgement. 

There was nowhere to save her. 

Beautiful Trauma 

P!nk

My Mom losing her mother so young. 

Trapped her in Trauma. 

The Cure to Trauma feels like. . . 

                                             Addiction. 

It tricks you like that. 

My Mom searching for escape from. . . 

                                                      Trauma. 

Though medications would quiet the noise. 

It did.

It worked. 

Something helped numb the pain. 

While she was numb. 

Her life was getting destroyed by. . .

                                the beast of addiction.

She was trapped in. . .

                                       the cycle of addiction.

This addiction was a bigger beast than her mothers. 

This addiction was a BENZO and OPIOID. 

That Addiction beast is a one the grips your throat. 

Slowly closing your airway. 

Slowly tearing apart every part of your life. 

Slowly drowning you under the pressure of it all. 

Sweet DeAnn

Zach Bryan 

When I was 7 years old. 

My Mom started spending a lot of time digging in her purse. 

My Mom started spending more time alone. 

My Mom was unrecognizable. 

She did not dance with me anymore. 

She did not laugh. 

Her grandmother died. 

Then her mom. 

Then her grandfather. 

When I was in 3rd Grade. 

Our Trailer caught fire. 

Rumors that it was on purpose for insurance money. 

Who knows? 

But…. Our home was in flames. 

We rushed home to find fire trucks spraying water on own home. 

We had to stay in a hotel, paid for by Redcross. 

Our stuff was filled with smoke. 

Then 6 months later, after we remodeled our trailer. 

You’ll Be in My Heart

Phil Collins

During that time, 

My Grandfather Brenie was diagnosed with 

Aggressive lung cancer.

He was living in NC with 

his new wife and her children.

Since he was so sick, 

we traveled there a lot. 

Each visit he got weaker and weaker.

A strong man that used to pick us up and throw us. 

Now. . .

He was coughing up blood in a handkerchief. 

I would hold his face and ask, “ What is that? “

A Deep shade of red mixed with black. 

He would whisper, 

“ Nothing, kid. I am okay. 

Do not worry about me.”

Followed by a tinkle. 

But… he could not play like he used to. 

He was weak and it made him cough. 

He was once a strong man. 

Now… He was dying. 

Slowly and in front of my eyes. 

I heard the stories of his wife. 

I heard the sorrow for years. 

I was 10 years old. 

I got to live life with him. 

We rode motorcycles. 

He snuck me off. 

I shared a face with his wife. 

He wanted to love me in a way that he didn’t love her. 

He knew that he mistreated his wife.

He knew that he was wrong. 

He knew that he was wrong. 

He spent the remaining days, 

                                 trying to make up for that man. 

He regretted the screaming. 

He regretted the words of hate. 

He regretted how he made her feel. 

He made sure that I was okay. 

He made sure that I had the best snacks. 

He stopped my sibling from being mean to me. 

He protected me. 

He took me swimming. 

He wanted to be in my life. 

He wanted to be the grandpa that his wife would have wanted.

He was. 

Hercules

Elton John

He was the best grandpa. 

He had co-carts and swing sets. 

When he moved to NC. 

He had The Ocean. 

He watched me light up starting at it. 

He watched me collect seashells. 

He watched me live a memory that 

He did not have with his wife. 

He wanted to give me the life she did not have. 

Then cancer got him. 

The dreams he had for My Life. 

Those dreams were fading. 

He was dying before those dreams could come true. 

He wanted to see me grow up. 

He wanted to see me be what his wife couldn’t be. 

He wanted to help guide me through life hard decisions. 

But.. He had a sentence. 

Death wanted him. 

It was only 10 years later. 

He would join his wife in heaven. 

When he died. 

My Mom was gone. 

She left her body and faded away. 

That was all she had left. 

When he was sick. 

She took care of him. 

They repaired their relationship. 

They fought about him remarrying so soon. 

Her assuming that she was always there. 

The other woman. 

The other woman moved into her Mothers Home. 

Trailer or not. 

It was My Grandmothers trailer. 

Now… weeks later. 

There is a new woman in his bed. 

My Mom was mad. 

It was her mother’s house. 

Now… He moved his girlfriend and her kids. 

My Mom was annoyed to say the least.

She needed Brenie. 

She needed not hate the only one she had left. 

She forgave him. 

Understanding that her mother was no saint. 

She did not want to hold hate like her mom did. 

The Other Woman was a family friend.

She had children with Brenie Brother

That is how Brenie met her. 

She was an ex-gf and baby momma of his bother. 

My grandpa Brenie was a motorcycle and bar fella. 

His family was huge. 

He like 10 brothers. 

All of them having like 15 kids. 

When The Doyles came to Christmas. 

It was a sight to be seen. 

Not an empty seat in The House. 

I was raised with them like Uncles. 

They were. 

Some were gay. 

Some were in jail. 

Some needed to be in jail. 

All of them having a story of their own. 

When they came out to The Lake. 

Parties for days. 

Dancing around the fire with old Christmas lights. 

Fires with rainbow flames. 

Brenie used to make rod iron with water hose. 

It made pretty colors in the fire. 

Hindsight. 

Might have caused his Aggressive Lung Cancer. 

In was only a few years later he was die. 

That along with the years of drinking. 

Either way. 

Brenie was always a good time. 

He would have hung The Moon for Us. 

Two Out of Three Aint Bad

Meat Loaf  

When Brenie started to cough up Black-Red Blood. 

He changed. 

He grew weak. 

When he was too weak to play. 

He would give me kisses. My Mom would be shewing me away and help him to the bedroom. As the treatments when on. He got weaker. He was coughing more blood. He was fading away. 

My Mom was watching the only father she knew die. 

Only a few years after she lost her mother. 

She had growing daughters. She needed him. 

But… he was dying. 

There was no denying, that he was dying. 

When it got bad. 

He moved back home to Blanchester, OH. 

He got settled into a Trailer to die. 

A trailer not far from where he found his wife years prior. 

My Mom sheltered me from seeing him in end stages. 

I loved My Grandfather. 

Even though he was not biologically My Granddad. 

He was the only one I knew. 

I loved him. 

He was dying at the same age his wife did. 

[thestaringgirlsshadow]

Chapter 29: 

All Too Well 

Hold on 

Flower shop

The Dance with The Devil. . . 

Takes. 

What starts as just a Dance. 

Turns into a sentence. 

Then you are trapped in The Dance. 

Never able to leave The Party. 

Trapped in a Party. 

My Grandmother never deciding to stop dancing. 

Her decision to Dance her life away.

Cost her life. 

We did not get to know 

My Mother’s Mother 

Our Grandmother. 

But… Our children get to know their grandmother. 

When I was a young girl. 

I was always so concerned that 

I would find My mom lifeless. 

Like. . .  My mom found her mom. 

Dead in a bathtub on a hot day. 

My Mom did not find her, 

But. . .  she got the call. 

The call is just as painful. 

She likely held regret that she was not there. 

The cycle of what could I have done to save her. 

If I was there would she had lived. 

She died from cardiac event. 

Her heart was going out. 

Why? Cuz…. drinking took years off her life. 

She was an alcoholic for her entire life. My grandmother started drinking heavy in high school. Got pregnant when she worked at a roller-skating diner. My Mom in her belly. She kicked a quarter out of her waist change. Then on she continued her drinking. 

Unable to handle the pressure of being pregnant in High School. She was unsure who the father was. That was not okay for a young girl in a strictly catholic family. The only boy she loved at that time was a black boy. Who offered to marry and raise My Mom. 

She could not and would not.

She lived to regret that decision. It was the late 60’s and she was already getting a reputation as the town whore. Then to marry a black boy. She did not want more attention.

She tried to abort my mother. 

But.. She failed. 

Despite My Grandmother best efforts to abort the fetus. 

My Mom was born. 

Now… a regret was a life. 

A living breathing reminder of My Grandmothers fear. 

A high school pregnancy in the 60’s.

She would get drunk and tell my mom this. 

Continuously getting drunk and fighting like sisters. 

They were both being raised by My Great Grandmother. 

She would get annoyed with the responsibility of a child. 

Then use. . . 

The I didn’t even want you Weapon. 

You were a mistake. 

I wanted to kill you 

Before you enter the planet. 

My Mom often descripted her mother as Mother Dearest. 

If you have seen it. 

It’s a mom that screams about hangers. 

In summary. 

That was the comparison. 

This repeated fight between them. 

This fight grew as they both aged.  

This created a wedge. 

They would throw daggers at each other.

My Mom never felt wanted. 

My Grandmother was broken. 

My Mom finally understood. 

When My Mom did understand. 

Her mom was already dead. 

There is no getting someone back from. . .

The Grave. 

When they are gone. 

They are gone. 

You can not apologize them 

Back onto The Planet. 

Why? Cuz. . . 

They are gone. 

Hold on 

Adele 

My Grandmother grew up in The Party.

All her brothers were coming back from. . . 

                                                                    The War. 

They would come back and drink. 

They missed their little sister. 

My Grandmother was 

The Youngest of the 4 siblings. 

Like me. 

Her other siblings were 3 Boys in different military branches. 

She would interview them. 

She would play cards. 

She would drink with them. 

She wanted to be cool like her brothers. 

When you drink one thing leads to another. 

With other brothers there are a lot of other boys around. 

She found herself with a problem. 

Blurred memories of Who is The Daddy. 

She worried that she was s victim of sexual assault. 

Getting a child drunk to blur memories. 

Then label her, 

                            “ She is just a whore and asked for it.”

Now. . . 

Her belly was filled with her being just a whore at a party. 

She needed to figure out who The Daddy was. 

She narrowed it down to George Jones. 

After My Mom was born, she knew that the father was George Jones. Not the real George Jones, but in My child’s mind. I thought it was George Jones. Anyway, lets be serious. 

She hoped it was The Black Boy she really loved. 

But… My Mom is as white as snow. 

Then she narrowed it down to maybe a rapist or George Jones. 

My Mom never knew this as a child. 

She was protected from it. 

Protected her from knowing 

That she may child of rape. 

Letting her daughter 

just believe she was whore. 

That was easier than the truth. 

The truth of drunk men 

Take what they want. 

She was the only little girl around.

That little girl was always drunk. 

She was just a girl that danced as if no one was watching. 

Unknown to her that The Wolves were always watching. 

Flower shop

Morgon Wallen 

The Wolves always watching. . . 

Watching you lose you inhabitations.

Watching you take a shot of almost time. 

Watching you make it easier to get through. 

Watching you weaken you with substances. 

Just. . . 

Waiting & Watching. 

Waiting for the moment to strike. 

Strike when the booze was blurring vision. 

When you have enough booze to alter your decision making. Then The Wolves introduce a little bit of drugs. Drugs whipping your memory of The Attack. Just a vague feeling that something bad happen. 

This was a The Cycle that My mom and her mom found themselves in. A situation that a lot of girls find themselves in. When a goodtime turns into a nightmare.

You Took The Words Right Out of My Mouth

Meatloaf 

Back then. . . 

My Grandmother was the only pretty girl at a party. 

A bunch of boys back from The War. 

Now, The War was in her bedroom. 

When she awoke, not understanding what happened. 

Now…. She was 16 and had a mess. 

Mistakes at a Party. 

Those mistakes that were her fault. 

She was a helpless drunk teenager. 

She was to raise a mistake. 

My Grandmother was scared and did not want her life robbed. 

She wanted to make something of herself. 

Have pride in her life. 

Have her own stories. 

She idolized her brothers. 

She was proud of them. 

They had lives and memories outside of Nowhere, OH. 

They had access away from. . .

The Trailer Park she had to stay. 

While they left. 

She had to stay. 

She only had a stereo and a notepad.

She wanted to be an author. 

She wanted to write books to go with,

                                                The Albums she listened to. 

She envisioned it. 

She dreamt it. 

She wanted it. 

Then one mistake. 

One too many. 

One too many bad decisions. 

Led her to giving away her dreams. 

Aint My Fault 

Zara Larsson 

She drove down. . . 

The Road of Self-Loathing. 

Hate to the daughter she did not want. 

She would take it out on her daughter. 

My Mom was spoiled by The Family. 

She was given everything. 

She had umbrella of love from her family. 

But… My Grandmother was now The Town Whore. 

Her family made her feel like that. 

Taking her into side rooms to give her a wake-up call. 

Forgetting that she was still a child. 

But…. she had a child. 

Now… She was no longer a child. 

She had to grow up. 

She gave away her childhood. 

She was now to grow up quick. 

She could not grow up. 

She ran from her problem. 

Leaving her baby with her mother. 

My Mom was raised by her grandmother. 

Her grandmother was a mother to My Mom. 

She did the cooking in the kitchen. She taught her household duties. She made sure that her homework was done. She made sure she had the things she needed. 

It was more of My Mom being  My Grandmothers sister. 

My Grandmother was jealous of the attention to The Baby. 

Grand Piano

Nicki Minaj 

She resented her. 

She was still a child and needed. . . 

                                        The Love & Support. 

The Support was gone and directed to her daughter. 

She never understood why they were so hard on her. 

She knew the secrets of her brothers. They were held up as heroes from their time in The War. This made her angry. As they brought The Wolves to her door. Now, she was to blame. 

She was invited to the party. Encouraged to be apart of it. She just wanted to be cool like her brothers. Then when she was. She was filled with regret. Her life was never the same. 

When My Mom grew up a little. 

My Grandmother took over care of her daughter. 

But… My Mom was a teenager. 

She battled her mom. 

But… they had a strain in their relationship. 

They worked to overcome that hurt. 

Things My Mom was too young to understand. Things that she could never be told. My Mom just went along with what she heard. She heard about what type of woman her mom was. She used those weapons against her. She used a painful label to stab her mom. 

Calling her a drunk whore. 

Calling her a bitch. 

Using whatever knife to hurt her mom. 

She was still hurt from her mother always reminding her 

She didn’t want her. 

She never got over it. 

She never resolved the trauma of . . . 

Her mother telling you repeating that

She tried to abort her. 

Billie Jean 

Michael Jackson

She just didn’t drink. 

She used a wire hanger. 

She wanted that baby out. 

She wanted to not be a just a Whore.

My Grandmother was listening to a lot of . . .

                                                Loretta Lynn 

When she got pregnant

Names My Mom after her. 

My Mom does not listen to her.

Its painful. 

As My Mom grew. 

She had questions. 

She had a lot of questions. 

She knew that they were protecting her from a secret. 

My Family was deeply catholic and military. 

The boys were to grow up and join the military. 

The girls were to grow up and tend to men. 

That was how it was. 

You marry once. 

You raise a family. 

You die. 

That is what you did back then. 

My Grandmother was not that girl. 

She was wild child and did not want to sit in a box. 

Silencing her voice over the years. 

That silence was killing her. 

She was trapped in a cage she did not want to be. 

The more she fought to get out. 

The more they labeled her. . . 

                         The Crazy Whore. 

The older she got. 

She wore the label like a badge. 

She said…. 

You want to label me a . . .

                        The Crazy Whore. 

Ill be. . . 

                        The Crazy Whore. 

. . . .  . . . . . . . . .Sounds familiar. 

Ruin My Life

Zara Larsson

She started to fight men like a man.

She started to play their game. 

Being raised by army brothers. 

She thought like a man. 

She refused to sit in the box. 

Her brothers were able to be who they wanted. 

But… she was to wear a dress and sit still. 

Smile & Shut Up. 

[thestaringgirlsshadow]

Chapter 29: 

All I want for Christmas

Take it All 

Good Riddance

Smooth Criminal

It took years to Recover for My Parents. 

They both walked The Same Path of Addiction. 

They both held each other’s hand going down 

The Rabbit Hole of Addiction. 

One thing

Then another. 

Until . . . 

You are in a complete Daze of Denial.

My Mom found herself in The Dance with The Devil. 

Over & Over again. 

Trauma sent her an invitation to The Dance. 

Trauma that was caused 

from watching 

Addictions killing her family. 

She tried to escape it. 

It found her. 

When she was reaching for help.

The help was a hand of The Devil. 

The addiction she ran from. 

Found her. 

Gripping her like it did to her mother. 

The things she yelled at her mother weeks prior to her death

 in a trailer in Nowhere, Oh. 

Those things My mother became. 

Mom got to live 

several years Recovered. 

She got to go to Disney. 

She got to travel The Country. 

She got to be all the things she wanted.

I do not want a lot of Christmas. 

Just for My Mom to get through it. 

She did. 

I did not get to see her. 

She had to stay at 

The James Cancer Center in 2021.

Due to her fluid crushing her lungs.

Bacteria eating her brain. 

But… she is alive. 

Last Christmas. 

I did not know if she would make it.

She did. 

She made it. 

How she continues to 

Refuse Death is a Mystery. 

I am in Amazement. 

“ Do not be ashamed of My Hope” - J 

Take it All 

Adele 

Our wish came true. 

For Our Mom to get to another Christmas. 

We keep getting wishes 

After wishes would come true. 

Some presents do not come wrapped under a Tree. 

Some presents mean a little bit more. 

I never got to have a Christmas with My Grandmother. 

I never got to unwrap presents with her. 

My Mom got to do that with all her grandchildren. 

She got to watch them grow up. 

Danny My Son is The Baby. 

He will be 8 in February. 

When he was a baby. 

I was lost in a path of Avoidance. 

I was running from becoming My Family’s History. 

I was trying to Climb out of what was before me. 

As each year piled on me. 

As each year laid on My Back. 

I understood how Addicts are made. 

They are created in The Bed of Despair. 

At The Bottom of a Hopeless Situation. 

Then are surrounded by The Releases to The Pain. 

The Rabbit Hole of Bad Decisions. 

Each thing to take away The Pain that is gripping you. 

Then you wake in misery. 

If you just laid for a few hours with your True Demon. 

The real hurt on you. 

If you let yourself feel The Pain. 

You could have a clear mind to resolve it. 

You would be able to find resolution to The Pain. 

When you make The Decision to Dance.

Dance with your favorite Addiction. 

Dance away your Troubles. 

Escape from Reality. 

Escape to a World that feels Better.

That temporary pleasure leaves you depleted. 

That temporary pleasure leaves you to die. 

Addiction pulls his pants up. 

Leaves you laying there like a dying dog. 

It does not care that you are hurting. 

Its not going to hold your hair when you are vomiting up regret. 

Its not going to wash you face from sadness of mistaken. 

Its not going to fix this mess you made. 

Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)

Green Day

Addiction will dance the night away.

Just to steal you of a day. 

Just to rob you of an opportunity to become more. 

Just to rob you of obtaining something of better.

That something could cure your sadness. 

Addiction keeps you in 

The Stagnate Cycle of Going Nowhere,

But. . .  The March to Death. 

There is no other way out of Addiction. 

Death. 

Smooth Criminal 

Michael Jackson

You will not be the one that will survival 

You will Die. 

Survival is only obtainable in Addiction

If You Recovery 

Recovery is the only way out. 

Recovery is not easy 

Recovery is a choice only to may by YOU 

Maybe not today

Or 

Tomorrow. 

But …. If you choose to stay An Addict. 

You will Die. 

In Order 

To Survive Addiction. 

You have to Master Your Mind. 

Addiction is a disease that starts in your mind. 

Addiction starts by the flick of Saddness. 

Trauma adds the fuel to The Fire. 

You are trapped in the middle of The Woods 

Tied to a Tree. 

While you were numb 

While you were trying to avoid Life.

While you just wanted to have fun. 

Addiction tied you to a Tree. 

Your Trauma poured gas around you. 

The Devil is going to light the match. 

You are going to burn alive. 

Or 

You are going to cut yourself down. 

You can make a new decision. 

You can run to safety. 

You can fight. 

You can redesign your fate. 

Nothing is Final. 

Nothing is permanent. 

At anytime. 

You can dig inside to find away out.

When you get out. 

Do not go back. 

Do not return to The Fire. 

Do not be tricked Twice. 

The Devil is Charming. 

You can be blinded by The Devils Charm. 

You can be blinded by The Fire. 

You can be drawn into The Fire, 

                                 like a Moth to The Flame. 

Beat it 

Michael Jackson

Do not fall for The Tricks. 

Do not fall for The Games. 

Do not fall for The Apple.

Do not fall for The Poison. . . 

                                                   Sprinkled in The Flower. 

You MUST Learn from mistakes. 

You MUST take ownership of mistakes.

You MUST grow from them. 

If you continue to live in sour soils. 

That is on you. 

If you do not try. 

You must try. 

Life is hard… 

But… You must FIGHT for better. 

“I have restrained my feet from every evil way. 

That I may keep your word.” Psalm C119-V101

Keep yourself away from The Addiction. 

If. . . You know your addiction stay from it. 

Once you walk away from The Evil. 

Pull The Evil Weeds of The Joy Garden.

Your garden can not grow in soil sour. 

Pull Addiction out of your garden grow. 

Only then will your Joy Garden Grow.

Allowing all the nutrients to go to your Joy. 

Instead of feed the toxicity. 

Then it allows your seeds to grow. 

Addiction weeds cokes the good stuff. 

Steals it from getting the nutrients to the seeds you want to have it

You can not live in excuses. 

You must start pulling. 

Pull has hard as you can. 

Pull has fast as you can. 

Pull until every weed it out. 

Only you can pull. 

Pulling weeds is the hardest part. 

Its hot and sweaty. 

Its labor intensive. 

When you do the work of pulling those weeds. 

Then up comes The Flowers. 

Those flowers and plants will save you. 

Keep pulling until you get your Joy Garden to grow. 

Superpower 

Beyounce’ & Frank Ocean 

If you do not know 

How you keep showing up Here. 

On The Doorstep of The Devil. 

Asking to Dance. 

You knew it was. . .

The Devil’s House. 

You were stalking him. 

All it takes is One Dance with The Devil 

To be hooked. 

Semi-Charmed Life

Third Eye Blind 

Next thing you know. . . 

You need another Dance. 

Then another. 

You are choosing to Dance. 

You only Dance once. 

But… you Dance anyway. 

You know that you feel like a trash can. 

You know that you will regret it. 

You know that you will wonder how you got here… 

Again. 

Asking for The Devil to Dance. 

Each time. 

Carrying more Shame to The Doorstep.

You stand there about to knock. 

You stand there and do not knock. 

Then. . . 

One day you must decide to stop showing up.

You Know that. . . 

Dancing with The Devil 

Comes with a cost. 

The Cost so high. 

You simply do not have The Funds to pay. 

Your Soul. 

[thestaringgirlsshadow]

failure

Given the context of "Staring at the Sun," "failure" refers to:

The author's greatest fear: Failure is presented as a central struggle in the book's summary.

A catalyst for reflection: The fear of failure triggers the author's journey of self-discovery and resilience.

Therefore, "failure" is a driving force behind the narrative.

[thestaringgirlsshadow]

clarify

Given the previous context, are you referring to the mention of "the basement" in the summary of "Staring at the Sun"?

If so, the summary mentions:

A 17-year-old Stacy fell in love in a basement with a boy that was not available. This is related to the author's struggles with addiction and making life-altering mistakes.

To clarify, is this the information you were seeking?

[thestaringgirlsshadow]

in summary

Summary of "Staring at the Sun"

The book "Staring at the Sun" is a memoir about Stacy Day's life, focusing on her journey through resilience, love, and hope.

Key Themes

Personal Struggles: The author details her battles with mental health, addiction, and past trauma, including a sexual assault.

Relationships: Explores the impact of significant relationships with "My Fire Buddy" and "My Old Friend," highlighting youthful romance and eventual loss.

Transformation: Describes her evolution from a vulnerable young woman to a stronger individual, emphasizing self-love and prioritizing family.

Main Takeaway

Ultimately, the memoir emphasizes the importance of finding joy in the present, learning from the past, and prioritizing self-worth in the face of adversity.

[thestaringgirlsshadow]

An Evening I Will Not Forget

An Evening I Will Not Forget

Context: Refers to the night Jacob mentioned Jesse was in town, leading the author to reflect on her past with Jesse.

Significance: This evening triggered a mental health crisis and a journey into past traumas.

Impact: It prompted the author to re-evaluate her marriage and life choices.

This evening represents a turning point, setting in motion a series of events that led to significant personal upheaval and self-discovery.

[thestaringgirlsshadow]

Key Moments with Jesse

Virginity Loss: The Basement is a pivotal moment where the author lost her virginity to Jesse.

Post-Basement Fall Out: After The Basement, their friendship dissolved, causing the author significant emotional distress.

2014 Festival of Bells: Jesse appeared at the festival expressing feelings, which the author dismissed at the time.

The Park Meeting (2020): A meeting in The Park reignited feelings but ended abruptly, triggering a mental health crisis.

Shared Experiences

Childhood Friendship: They were inseparable best friends from 5th grade, sharing secrets and daily life.

Slumber Parties: Jesse was included in slumber parties, leading to intimate moments and physical closeness.

Substance Use: They bonded over shared struggles with family addiction, often drinking and smoking together.

Creative Pursuits: They enjoyed drama and broadcasting classes, creating projects and sharing artistic interests.

Recurring Themes

Unresolved Feelings: A recurring theme of unrequited or unacknowledged love and longing.

Missed Connections: The narrative emphasizes missed opportunities and what-ifs.

Influence on Mental Health: The relationship with Jesse significantly impacted the author's mental state.

These stories highlight the complexities of their relationship and its lasting impact on the author's life and mental health journey.

[thestaringgirlsshadow]

stories about Jacob

# Stories About Jacob

- **December 2020:** The author showed up at Jacob's house *wrapped in a blanket*. - **New Year's Eve:** Jacob held a *New Year's Eve party*. - **General:** The author and Jacob *snapchatted work days* and got to know each other through *private snaps*. - **March 2024:** Jacob invited the author over for *a fire*. Jacob was *scared of the author*. - **Concert Trip:** - **Argument:** Jacob and Justin argued about *where to park*. - **Bathroom:** The author went to the bathroom with *Jacob's wife*. - **Ocean Eyes:** Jacob played *Ocean Eyes by Billie Elish* in the van. - **Hotel Incident:** - **Sex Party:** Jacob made it clear that they all had *group sex*. - **The Act:** The author and Jacob made out. - **Wife's Upset:** Jacob's wife was upset because *Jacob wouldn't wake up*. - **Post-Hotel:** - **Drive Home:** Justin drove the author and Jacob home. - **Coldness:** Jacob grew *cold to the author* and brought up things from her *breakdown*. - **Birthday Dinner:** Jacob *didn't want the author there*, but Justin did.

These are the stories I have about Jacob from the provided text, covering events ranging from casual gatherings to more intimate and complex interactions.

[thestaringgirlsshadow]

Chapter 26: 

Bad Blood 

Dancing with your Ghost 

I Will Always Love you 

Take away Jeff & Jess. 

Take away Ryan & Ryan. 

Take away My Ex-Husband & My Old Friend. 

Take away all those 

                                J Boys & Girls out there. 

Take them all away. 

I just wanted to look at My Life. 

They are just characters in My Story. 

They are not going to be My Happiness. 

My Joy Joy Seed for 

My Joy Joy Garden. 

That seed must come from within. 

I had to make that seed.

Joy Joy Seed… 

                                     It was never going to come from a boy.

I knew that to be Happy. 

That joy feeling, 

I was looking for. 

I had to grow that shit myself. 

They all have a history of distracting me and pissing me off. At that moment in time. When I was sitting in a room talking to Behavioral Health Therapist.

My Ex-Husband had a broken hand from me being, 

a whore at  New year’s Eve party. 

My Old Friend was in hiding from me.

Dancing with Your Ghost

Sasha Alex Sloan

My Life was a ticking time bomb. 

It needed to explode. 

My Old Friend stayed away. 

Avoid being a casualty to My War. 

He was in no shape for a War. 

My War with an alcoholic 

Who may be a schizophrenic. 

That is losing his family. 

It was a two-person job to 

Dissolve My Marriage. 

I made The Mess. 

I will Clean it. 

How will I clean The Mess I’ve Made?

That I did not know. 

Days after The Park in December 2020

I was trying to make a decision. 

I was stuck in a non-decision cycle.

A non-decision is a decision. 

     Partition

         Beyounce’

Denial. 

Denial that I won’t admit it,

 to the world. 

That I do not have a prefect life. 

My Life is pretend. 

I never got over that boy 

that took My Cherry Pie. 

Mostly…. 

I was in denial that I had major Mental Health concerns. 

For years… 

I have been on the ever hunt to heal My Mind. 

I was unable to do it by myself. 

I searched & searched. 

I read & read. 

I could not find The Mountain to climb. 

When I was at the end of My Rope in December 2020. 

I knew that I needed to be honest with myself. 

I was hurting no one by living a lie. 

I was only hurting myself. 

I had to get well. 

I needed to be of sound mind. 

I was not. 

I had to admit 

I had a problem 

To Fix 

The Problem.

I had to go Deep in My Memory Woods.

Hunt The Problem. 

Kill The Problem.  

I Will Always Love YOU

By: Whitney Houston 

I have spent My Life running from My Depression Demons. 

Ignoring them. 

Sometimes those Demons. . .

                     look like Nicolas Cage. 

Hunting me in. . . 

                       The Memory Woods. 

Pretending to be a bad guy. 

But then… 

                      he is always The Good Guy… 

Then he walks out playing the saxophone. 

“Its not me that you are mad at. 

It’s the World, stace.” 

“ Wanna Dance?” asks Mr. Cage 

You remembered all about… 

Why…. You Always Love Nicolas Cage Movies. 

They are just a superior movie. 

Even if he looks like he plays himself in every movie. 

A movie with Nicolas Cage, playing Nicolas Cage.    

He has the same face, like that girl from Twilight. 

Like… are they related? 

Likely. 

You always think. 

Man, this movie is going to be shit.

But… then is not. 

I Will Always Love You, Mr. Cage. 

Id do Anything for Love (but I wont do that) 

By: Meatloaf 

Over The years, 

The Demons got larger. 

Bigger. 

Growing in Strength. 

I am a strong person. 

I was not dealing with My Hurt. 

My Hurt was fueling. . . 

                                     The Demons in My Woods. 

My Demons were causing My Trails to be unclear. 

My Demons led me in The River of Despair. 

In The River of Despair. 

Floating on My Raft of Denial. 

My Raft of Denial was going to 

drown me. 

There was a hole. 

The boat was deflating. 

It was no longer going to get be a float. 

I was panicking. 

I had to remember to swim. 

I was scared that 

this was it. 

It was going to 

overtake me. 

The River of Despair is 

rushing as rapidly. 

If I do not figure 

something out quickly. 

I will die. 

The River of Despair 

Only seen and felt in 

My Mind. 

But… it is real. 

I knew that the only way to save myself from this river. Do the one thing I have never done. Be honest with myself. Be honest with everyone. Stop lying about My Happiness, My Prefect Marriage, and Who I am. 

Over the years, I wanted so badly to just be normal. 

Just be like everyone else. 

Just have the normal little life. 

I got it. 

It felt like drowning. 

I felt like I wished for the cement.

That was poured into The molds. 

Turned in bricks that going to drown me. 

As the years go by. 

I sit and wonder where I went wrong.

What decisions were made to bring me here? 

You cannot undo what has been done. 

It’s All Coming Back to Me Now

By: Celine Dion

In December 2020

I had no other choice, 

But. . .  to pull myself out of 

             The River of Despair.

It was time to talk. 

It was time to Be Honest. 

Be Honest with someone

Who Knew Me. 

Not. . . 

High School Stace 

Not. . . 

Wife Stace 

Not. . . 

A Version of Stace I create for you.

He just knew me. 

I was a just a coworker that turned to friendship. We worked hard to the same goals. My work life he lived with me. He knew me and had no bias or preconceived ideas. If he did. He separated those from our session. 

I was standing at a Major Cross Road. 

Which Mountain to Climb. 

One I was familiar with. 

I already summited. 

It was miserable 

I wanted to live. 

But… It was comfortable and it was familiar. 

Or a Brand-New Mountain. 

I needed to change My Life. 

If I did not. 

I was going down a dark path. 

If I stayed on The Mountain I was on. 

It would have exploded. 

It was a Volcano. 

That Mountain looked beautiful. 

But… Underneath 

It was boiling. 

And 

Boiling. 

There was going to be a Blow. 

It was matter of time. 

If I did not get off That Mountain quick. 

I would burn with it. 

When I was Standing at . . . 

The Top of My Mountain of Denial. 

It was time to tumble back down. 

The Lava was rushing in. 

I Was Here 

Roos Pane 

My Behavior Health Therapist, 

                 Recited what I knew 

                  I needed to do. 

He said, “ Go home and fix your family.

                If this job isn’t making you happy……… then leave.”

Then he continued 

listening to me describe, 

my grandmother’s death. 

In a trailer down the lane, 

from where we sat. 

Knowing that someone in this new world, 

finally got why I cry so much. 

Why. . .  I cannot hear discomforts. 

Until, 

This point in my life,

it felt like my screams were unheard. 

My words, 

Being loaded into 

The Gun used to kill me. 

He told me to put down the gun. 

This was a man, 

Who wasn’t using my pain against me.

He continued to advise me

By saying.

I Care 

Beyounce’ 

 “You are none of those things, 

they say you are.

 If you have hurt someone,

 you had a reason in that moment. 

Now,

 just forgive yourself 

love on your family. 

Water yourself first, 

after you get done. 

Take the can to your family. 

After that,

 fill up the can again, 

walk to your chickens. 

Give them the rest. 

Keep working your soil. 

The fruits will be seen in The Spring.”

Praying 

Kesha 

Making The Decision to talk with 

My Behavior Health Friend. 

That Decision. 

Saved My Life. 

I could not head My Voice 

The Noise of 

Other’s opinions of me was killing me. 

That conversation 

helped me to recenter. 

Get back on The Path. 

Helped give me 

The Courage to Restart another Hike.

Helped give me momentum. 

To start The New Climb. 

This was needed to start another Climb. 

I had to climb to get to get up 

The New Mountain. 

In Order to be able to Climb. 

I have to let go of things. 

I can not carry. 

He told me to Let Go of The Weights.

Told me to say sorry once 

Then move on. 

Never Forget YOU

Zara Larsson, MNEK

We had a long conversation, about Trauma Bonds. 

My Entire Life is a Trauma Bond. 

Filled with relationships, that I have or had Trauma Bonds with. 

In his attempt to understand, why I have Trauma Bonding. 

He asked, 

“ What happened to little girl Stacy?” 

I said, 

“ Well…. In Summary. 

Bad things happen in Trailer Parks. 

When The Sun goes down. 

Especially. . .

            to a little pretty girl like me.” 

“ What does that mean.” 

Bitter

Fletcher

“ During The Spring, Summer, and Fall. 

I could run and play outside.

 I could hide away from 

Wolves in The Tree line.

When Winter Came.

 It got too cold to be outside.

 I had to go inside.

 There was no escaping

 The Terror of Living in a The World of Addiction.” 

Apologize

Timbaland & OneRepublic

“ Stacy… Wow. 

That is 

The Why to Why 

You get so sad every winter.

 I have always wondered.

 Every year you are so happy. 

Then it gets to be about November, 

you are unrecognizable.

 You withdraw and grow distant. 

That happy Stacy we all love, 

leaves us. 

That is where you go. 

If you go back to The Trailer Park. 

Finish it in your mind, 

unlock your suppressions. 

Just long enough to

 take a look at them with 

adult eyes. 

Forgive those people that hurt you. 

Understand that its okay to forgive, but cut the rope……… 

Now, why do you think you cant cut your Trauma Bonds.” 

Jealous

Beyounce’ 

“I feel like since I got out. 

That I must help everyone else 

Still stuck in The Cycle. 

When I try to save them. 

They set me on fire. 

Do not care that they are destroying me. 

I continue to let them. Year after year.” 

“ Stacy you need to simply tell more people to Fuck off.

 It’s that simple. 

Understand that they must save themselves.

 You must save yourself. 

You cannot save anyone, 

If you Do Not SAVE yourself.”

Partition

Beyounce’

This conversation was familiar. 

It sounded just like one I just had.

You know The One. 

In The Park with My Old Friend. 

He could not save me. 

He would not. 

I really didn’t want him too. 

I wanted to save 

myself for myself. 

With that being said, 

I was so emotionally depleted

Really needing a Hug. 

The Long kind of Hugs. 

The ones that have kissing with them. 

You know the ones. 

[thestaringgirlsshadow]

midnight

Chapter 27: 

99 Problems. 

Spoil My Night

Midnight Sky

After The Chat with 

My Behavior Health Therapist. 

In summary, 

I got 99 problems and 

being a bitch isn’t one. 

All I heard was 

you are 100% that bitch. 

Fuck this job. 

Go get that 

dick you want. 

Now… Did he say that. 

Nope… that’s what I heard. 

I walked out flipped My Shaw. 

Light My Indian Spirit. 

Turned The Music Up. 

It was time to 

Take My Turn. 

Spoil My Night 

Post Malone 

The First Day back from The Holiday.

After News Year Eve 2020, 

There was a lot of closed-door conversations. 

I became public enemy number one. 

I was making a mess of things. 

It was okay. 

Lowkey on purpose. 

I was just walking around with gasoline. 

That day after 

My Conversation with My Behavior Health Therapist. 

I light My Match, to get to That Match Boy. 

When those friends of mine were interrogated by The Sharks. The Sharks needed evidence to get me out. They had nothing, so they had to find some. Those closed-door conversations about me. They were all be interviewed. While I sat with My Behavior Health Therapist. Got a good long chat in. All those Friends of mine. They were saving their own asses. I was going right under The Bus.

 I lowkey smiled. It was time. 

God was going to give me no excuse, to get to what I want. 

Midnight Sky 

Miley Cyrus

When you ask God what you want. 

Then you are given it on a silver plate. 

I would be crazy if I ignored it. 

I was The Only one that knew everything. 

I was the only one that had all the information. 

Listening to people that didn’t know

What I knew would be crazy. 

I took Comfort me in the words, 

That if I am Stacy Day. 

I cannot fail. 

Failing is not in my DNA. 

If I do fail,

I’m going out in a bang. 

At least I am Trying. 

Failing would be if . . . 

I never even tried. 

That is The Real Failure. 

Never at least trying to accomplish 

My Goals & Dreams. 

Just having them and ignoring them. 

Just letting life pass you by. 

That is Real Failure. 

Chung-Li

Nicki Minaj

The Next Day. 

Here comes 

My Fate. . . 

My Wish Granted. 

My Exit Plan 

From this scene of my life. 

I was happy

But… Scared. 

Now…. What?

I got My Wish. 

. . .Ready for it? 

Taylor Swift

My Boss came walking into 

The Center on My Last Day.

Unknown to me at that time, 

That would be by last assignment. 

It was in My Hometown.

I could feel

The Chill 

Moving in. 

The Ice Queen was growing cold with me. 

Over the years. . .

She would grow to be like, 

a mother to me.

That all changed one day. 

Weeks prior to My last day. 

On the corner of privilege, 

On a Tuesday in The Tower.  . 

She looked at me with tears in her eyes. 

Eyes that were once filled with Pride. 

Those eyes could not look me in The Face. 

They were hunting me. 

A cry face from your boss, after a big meeting. 

Then she can not look at me, without crying. 

They wanted me out. 

But… 

One Problem. 

I was The Company’s Darling. 

I was everyone friend. 

They could not find anything. 

Why? Cuz… There was nothing to find.

My Reputation was Prefect. 

I made sure of it. 

I worked harder than anyone in The Room. 

I dazzled My Way through every center. 

My Boss was sad. 

She knew that I was leaving. 

By My Own Accord or by Force. 

My Voice and Views on 

The Policies and Procedures.

Could not be Silenced. 

My Influence was palpable. 

I did not care anymore. 

I was unable to remain silent. 

It was not That Company or 

The people that just work for That Company. 

Fault. 

It went up The Ladder. 

Far up. 

Above 

       that person 

And that person 

And that person 

It was demands from an entity unseen. 

There was nothing 

that I could do,

Nor My Company. 

I was just to take orders and

 do not ask questions. 

That was how I was trained. 

Over & Over. 

Bang Bang 

Jessie J & Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj

Do as I Say…. 

Do Not Ask Questions. 

Why? Cuz…. I said so. 

My Handler, The Ice Queen. 

She groomed me and trained me that role. She took me under her wing. Literally told me everything she knew. We were close. She offered a place to stay. When I left My Ex-Husband the first time.

After The Park in December 2020. 

When all I wanted 

Was to go back Home.

To My Mom. 

I could not do that. 

I did what I do. 

Attach Myself to 

The Wrong Person. 

Creating another 

Trauma Bond. 

The Ice Queen was

Not My Mother. 

I had a mother. 

But… She was a million miles away in

           The Great White North. 

            I was under Ohio Trees. 

Crying over. . . 

             The Same Lost Boys for 15 years. 

I was so sick of. . . 

Being upset 

About boys and 

A meaningless job. 

I just wanted to get on a plane and 

Fly away from My Problems. 

I couldn’t. 

I was stuck in My Head. 

Unable to move. 

I was frozen in . . . 

The Cycle of Convivence. 

I am not a woman, I’m a God

Halsey

The Ice Queen carried in 

My Slip to Freedom. 

I took it. 

The next day. 

I called and ended that life. 

I said goodbye to Healthcare. 

The System was Broken. 

Happiness was no more in that world.

My Life needed attention 

That money could not fix. 

I told them… 

I am not putting My Pants on for them anyone. 

I opened My Laptop and started writing. 

I have not stopped. 

It turns out. 

I do have a lot to say. 

This entire time I was capable. 

I was able. 

I did it 

continue to do it. 

Even if I am just sitting in a car 

that will go back to the bank. 

I am happy. 

Should’ve Said No 

Taylor Swift 

I am a barista now.

It has been one of many job titles,

That I had this year. 

It has been a bumpy long road. 

It has been hard & exhausting. 

But. . .  it was a road that I am so glad 

             I decided to travel down. 

That day that I said no more. 

I stood up from on table to fix My Marriage. 

Even though it seems like it was in effort to remain married. 

That is The Power of Perception. 

I had no intention to stay marry. 

I struggled with it. 

I struggled with words and intent in those words. 

I needed to fix 

My Relationship with 

The Father of My Son. 

He has done bad things, 

but he was hurting. 

He knew that he blew it. 

That has finally lost me. 

His rage and despair 

Needed time to settle. 

Love is powerful. 

Love can feel like a weapon. 

When you are losing something that you love. 

You would do anything to keep it.

 I did not want to know 

what that force of nature would be like. 

Dashboard Paradise 

By: Meatloaf

When I quit 

My Job in January 2021. 

I went into 

The Good Wife role. 

I took care of a man 

A Man who had a broken hand. 

Do I wish I had not? 

No. 

I would have done the same thing 

for any of those lost boys. 

All of them have hurt me. 

My Ex-Husband just was with me long enough 

to have more opportunity to hurt me.

If I had got pregnant in High School.

By the boy that My Old Friend was. 

It might have ended up the same way.

He kept himself from me, 

until it was too late. 

When he was ready. 

I had move on. 

He spent many years upset about that. 

What Jesse & Stacy are? 

We do not know. 

He has yet to show up on his White Horse. 

I am not waiting on him. 

Just going to carry on with life. 

However, adult life in a hypothetical world with him. 

It’s nice and lovely to look in on. 

But… it was just that a hypothetical world of imaginary life. 

I had to play the cards I was dealt.

Right now… it’s just little ole me. 

That is alright. 

I am finally in love with myself. 

In a way 

That I have begged men to love me. 

I buy myself coffee. 

I get myself dinner. 

I am the only person to get me to 

The LaLa Land that everyone is after. 

Yes.. It helps to think about My Old Friend. 

He is just a pretty picture of someone I used to know. 

I don’t need to be loved by him or anyone.

Why? Cuz… I Love Myself.  

When I was walking out of My Old Life. 

I knew that I had to do one thing 

Find Stacy Day. 

She was gone. 

She was buried under 

All the shit that people dumb on her.

I was over it. 

I was born to run. 

My Girl 

Temptations 

I could NEVER 

belong to anyone. 

This is a Fact of Life. 

I am not a possession. 

When I was a young girl 

I had to get tough. 

To protect myself from 

The Wolves. 

If I remained a 

quiet little church mouse of a girl.

I would get ate alive. 

That was never me. 

To get out of that marriage safety. 

I had to find that tough little bitch 

I used to me. 

She was just. . . 

someone I used to know. 

I really needed her 

help in this mission. 

She hated all 

Those fucking J Boys. 

They are such a distraction. 

They have caused her nothing 

But. . .  Trouble. 

I Care 4 U

Aaliyah 

She would be 

Super annoyed that 

I am crying this much. 

Crying over 

The same dumb ass 

J Boys. 

The Entire Universe 

Can feel her 

Eyerolling. 

That we are still here. 

Still? 

Really?

Still? 

Still. . .  Staring at picture of 

              A boy that invented. . . 

             Ghosting. 

Slides in there 

Then right on out. 

Never to be seen or heard of again. 

WOW! 

But… The Heart 

         wants what it wants. 

I will move forward in getting to 

The Top of Mountain 

I wanted to be on. 

I needed her help. 

That Mountain was not My Old Friend.

That Mountain was Freedom… 

I am now on The Top of That Mountain. 

I am Free from all that pain. 

I am no longer buried underneath

 My Miserable & Sad. 

Mrs. Stacey Sharp 

Finally found

Stacy Day. 

Now… 

She was ready for The Climb on 

Another Kind of Mountain. 

Chapter 28:

   Drug Dealer

   Praying

   Make The Money

   Cross me

When I left My Life in Corporate Healthcare. 

It was alluded that I might have a drug problem. 

It was not said. 

But… there was an assumption My Past found me. 

In the pursuit of being honest, 

about My Family’s History. 

There were Accusations that I might have. . . 

                          a drug problem of my own. 

The Assumption that I would ever do drugs. 

That pain was worse than a real knife. 

I have run so far from drugs. . . 

                                                My Entire Life. 

I have escaped getting addicted to magic pills. 

I have escaped alcoholism. 

I escaped it all. 

Then to have

My Painful History as a weapon. 

I am not someone else history. 

I climb and run far away from that. 

I earned the accomplishments. 

Escaping Addiction in a form of a major substance abuse. 

Other than high school drinking. 

I do not drink. 

This last year, 

I have drunk more than I have in the last 14 years. 

Praying

Kesha

To ruin My Reputation with a Rumor. 

This weapon was so painful. 

Most people I know have struggled with substance abuse or alcoholism. I have not. I made a promise to myself along time ago. That promise was hard to kept. 

Every Narcotic that I have been prescript. 

I do not finish them. 

I have never done pills, except for My C- Section. 

I did not finish the bottle. 

I have been prescript TRAMADOL for my infected toenail. 

It was painful. 

I did not finish that prescription. 

I was prescript ATIVAN after The Park in December 2020. 

I did not finish that prescription. 

Every narcotic prescription, 

that I have been prescript. 

I take one. 

Then stop. 

It I am in pain. 

I go in rest and recovery mode. 

Then carry on. 

I have pain all the time. 

Both physical and emotionally. 

Sometimes my emotional pain causes physical pain. 

Over the years, the cycle of pain. It has put wear and tear on my body. I bear through it. I have always understood that person my mom when she started taking pills. She was sad and trying to escape like we all are. 

One pill turns to two. Then three. 

Over the years, 

I fought those demons away. 

I have demons. 

A lot of demons. 

A ton of then. 

They are mean and scary. 

A magic pill of demon be gone. 

I knew if. . . 

                                     I did one. 

Then two. 

Then three. 

I stayed away. 

I saw what those pills did. 

I knew that will set fire to my life. 

Promise 

Ben Howard

I put My Nose to The Grindstone and 

Walked away from the fire. 

Headed Up the Mountain. 

It was not easy. 

It was not easy, turning down drinks. 

It was not easy to not dab a little.

It was not easy to sit in My Mind. 

Stare at the shit in the face. 

Look at it. 

See it. 

I wanted it to all wash away into. . . 

                                                          the river of numbing myself. 

Then when I finally got up The Mountain. . . 

                                                                         away from addiction. 

 I was standing on. . .

 A Major Accomplishment Mountain. 

I am the first person on either side of my family, 

to hold a college degree. 

I should have just stayed a trailer park trash girl.

Got pregnant too young. 

Got addicted, due to stress of life.

Then cycled into . . . 

The World of Addiction and Poverty. 

I was standing in a life that not that. 

I made it. 

It was not a lot. 

But… it wasn’t in a trailer in nowhere, oh. 

I worked in fancy building with fancy coffee. 

It was a cool training job. 

I was more that I would have dreamt for myself. 

I went on business trips. 

I led training classes. 

I was somebody. 

Then when it was all crumbling down.

I see that My years of work, 

where going to be the sum of a bad month. 

People who fear me. 

They would just spread a rumor that . . . 

                                                               I am a crazy druggie. 

Holding a gun to my head of an assumption. . . 

                                                                       of My worst fear. 

Time and Time again. 

I escaped Addiction. 

Most people do not. 

Most people give their life to it. 

I refused it. 

I spit in its face. 

That was difficult to do. 

I love to numb My sadness away. 

Choosing to numb sadness with substances. 

That only leads to death. 

If I know better. 

I must do better. 

I knew that Addiction would kill me.

I choose better for My Life. 

Make The Money 

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

The Accomplishment of . . . 

                                   Escaping Addiction. 

This accomplishment that was greater. . . 

                                               than any of 

                                My Accomplishments.

It’s not easy to turn down a good time. 

It’s not easy to not crack a seal. 

It’s not easy to not do what everyone does. 

It’s not easy to overcome a generational curse. 

I was being held by the throat . . .

                                                       by a Controlled Perception. 

It felt like a steely knife. 

A Knife of Perception. . . 

Ruined My Reputation with a Rumor. 

Ruined My Reputation with a Perception change. 

Perception Knife cannot kill me. 

A Fake Perception is not The Truth. 

The Truth is will always win. 

Those Sharks that were orchestrating My Downfall. 

Those Sharks using The Tool of Perception.

I wore My Created Perception, like a Crown.  

I knew that they would not stop. 

They would have moved chess pieces around, until they blew up My House. I wanted to take My Power back. Using My Painful History against me. Using it take me down. This hurt was fall greater than any boy has down. I climbed my way to that Tower. 

When I got into That Tower. It was a Nightmare of Illusions. I did not fit in. Years I played the part. I wore the make up to cover up who I was. I changed My Perception to fit into the mold. A mold that I was never going to fit in. 

When I finally had enough. 

When I simply could not keep up with The Illusions and Lies. 

I was now crazy. 

Maybe on . . . Drugs. 

You’re Such A

Hailee Steinfeld

This would have the whispers around the coffee pots. 

What’s going on with Stace? 

“ She is acting crazy… maybe she is on drugs.” 

The truth. 

I was suffering from years of an emotionally abusive marriage. On top of My Mom dying. Then you know the years of unresolved trauma. That comes from living in a trailer park with addicts for parents. Then add the high school sexual assaults. 

But…. Summing me up to a crazy druggie. 

There was nothing that could have hurt me more. 

So that is why I said Fuck Them. 

I gave My Heart and Soul to that company. 

They could get on SS Fuck Off. 

I would rather eat ramens in a cave then me a slave. 

I was not pushing their agenda. 

Since I would not. 

I was labeled to get me out. 

That is The Truth. 

That is why they are scared of me. 

As they should be. 

Even if I was not on drugs. 

Just spreading The Rumor, I was. 

That Perception shift would have ruined My Reputation. 

I refused to let them lie about me. 

I refused to allow them to . . . 

                              Weaponize My Painful history against me. 

You can call me whatever you want. 

Call me Crazy. 

Call me Fat. 

Call me Insane. 

Call me Whatever you want. 

Just do not call me a . . . 

                                      Drug Addict. 

The Snakes got to read. . . 

How I would never do drugs. 

Why? Cuz. . . They kill everyone I love. 

Cross Me 

By: Ed Sheeran

I have spent My Entire Life, 

fighting the urge to become an addict. 

I have crawled and climbed 

away from that life for me. 

Watching for My Entire Life. 

Drugs killing everyone. 

I grew up, wearing Black. 

Dressing up in dresses to go to funerals of addicts. 

Losing My Family. 

One By One. 

In My Hometown, 

There are overdoses daily. 

A lot of those overdoses end in death. 

When The Steely Knife of… 

Placing a perception of 

What if… she is on drugs. 

On me. 

This FUELED me. 

I am None of Those things. 

But… you are. 

These are accusations from rich women and men. 

That live with their own beast of burden. 

Each of them with a bottle or two of pills. 

Each of them Drinking on Tuesdays. 

Each of them running from their own demons. 

Money cannot save you from The Devil. 

Money is The Devil. 

Money buys Addiction. 

Just more expensive Heroin 

Just more expensive Meth. 

Just more expensive versions of what those druggie use. 

Just cuz your doctor friend’s prescript them. 

Just cuz you pick it up at a pharmacy. 

Does not make you any better than those druggies. 

I am not a druggie. 

But… those druggies are people. 

But… those druggies are my friends. 

But… those druggies are my family. 

Be Careful when you stand on your platform of glass. 

You are no better. 

Just cuz your drugs come in a bottle and not the street. 

It’s the same Bitch. 

Yeah… I Said it. 

Wings 

Mac Miller

When addiction comes knocking on your door. 

You cannot escape it. 

Luckily for me. 

I have spent My Entire Life, 

gearing up for The War of Addiction.

I knew that it would find me. 

I knew that I would not escape. . . 

                               The Call of Addiction. 

My Traumas would call Addiction. 

My Traumas would invite Addiction over. 

My Trauma would Welcome Addiction in. 

I closed The Door. 

I refused to let Addiction in. 

Sometimes, I cry on The Other side of locked door. 

But… I never allowed Addiction to enter My House. 

When I locked the door. 

Addiction finds a window. 

I cannot escape. . . 

                              The Temptation of The Dance with The Devil. 

I always led The Devil to the door. 

Making him clean his mess and go. 

I am proud of that. 

Then. . . I learned to lock the windows. 

Learning from the mistake of dancing with the devil. 

I miss the dopamine that Addiction brings. 

I miss the goodtime we had. 

But… it always ends with a Big Mess.

I get exhausted from cleaning up the same mess. 

I get exhausted from having to Start over. 

Each year, I get stronger in fighting Addiction Demons. 

Dirty Diana 

Michael Jackson

Drugs almost took my mom’s life. 

Now.. They are. 

Years ago. . .  

She was an Addict. 

She was over prescribed narcotics. 

That led to her losing it all. 

She was a Broke & Bruised. 

She was a young mother of 4. 

All were entering high school. 

The Good Doctors 

Started prescribing. . .

 Narcotics. 

The First Time.

Her First Treatment of Depression. 

A Narcotic. 

Her River of Despair caused from Trauma. 

Like… My River of Despair. 

Her Trauma was mine. 

Her life was a mirror image to My Life. 

Multiple family members dying, while raising four daughters. All first degree relative leaving this earth. My mom was always preparing someone she loved to die. 

While suffering from a list of other traumas. 

Including domestic violence, rape, and addiction everywhere. 

She tired to protect us from it. 

Then she could not take it anymore. 

She asked for help. 

She was written an oath to chain herself to addiction. 

She did not know what she did. 

Until it was too late. 

Magic Pills found her. 

Life’s a Lemon I want My Money Back 

Meatloaf

My pretty mom would get dressed. 

Tend to her young children. 

Then drive to a home 

watch someone die.

Day in and Day out. 

She would stand there with 

no tear in her eye. 

As they slowly faded from her sight.

She was losing control over her life. 

She was miserable & sad. 

She went to. . . 

                              The Good Doctors.

They gave her. . . 

                            highly addictive drugs. 

This small decision 

That she trusted. 

She reached out to a 

Clinician to help heal her. 

She was captured like an animal. 

The noose placed around her neck. 

One bottle turned to two. 

Two bottles turned to three. 

Three bottles turned to four. 

Over & Over. 

That what almost happened to me. 

I refused it. 

I was called crazy for not just taking the pills. 

I refused it. 

I seen this movie. 

I was not going to let a doctor ruin My Life. 

I had to figure out what was wrong. 

If I had a broken bone. 

I would get a cast to heal it. 

I would not just take a pill and ignore the break. 

I needed to heal My Broken on the inside. 

Not… take a pill for the rest of my life. 

I was treated like I was insane to not go down the path. 

The path that everyone does. 

Just take the pills the doctors say too. 

Who The Fuck Do You Think…? 

Teaches them how to prescript. 

Colleges that are funded by BIG PHARMA. 

They make a lot of money off 

you are being on endless amounts pills. 

A pill for this. 

Then a pill to help the side effects of those pills. 

Then this pill to help with the side effects to 

That pill that helps with the side effects for the first pill. 

Then when your body breaks down from all the pills.

Here is some more pills to keep is running. 

All while you shove poison down your throat. 

You smile and take it like a bitch. 

I refused it. 

I was called crazy for it. 

I must be a druggie whore too. 

Why? Cuz…. I Refused to Get in Line.

That Scared Them. 

Noone as ever got out of line, before. 

Good Girls Go to Heaven

Meatloaf 

I grew up with My Parents 

Searching for drugs. 

Always on the ever hunt for more pills. 

Driving to far cities to get more pills. 

When the prescriptions were short. 

There needed to be more. 

While at home 

there was no bread. 

But… There was always cigarettes, booze, and pills. 

I Judged. 

Then… 

I grew up. 

Seen. . .  

That life hits you harder, 

as you grow up. 

Its not so easy, kid. 

You think you can do better. 

Try. 

You can’t. 

When you keep running into the wall.

My Mothers Fatal decision was asking for help, 

from The Good Doctors. 

Luckily for her she was able to get Clean. 

Luckily for her she was able to restart her life. 

Luckily for her she found recovery. 

She got to live 14 years . . . 

Recovered. 

Stop 

Spice girls

Her time on The Planet 

Will be coming to end shortly. 

As I Replant. . . 

My Joy Garden. 

I choose to remember 

The Time Before. . . 

The Pills came into My House. 

We used to go on vacations. 

We used to go on long drives. 

We used to go swimming. 

We used to have so much fun. 

We got the opportunity to 

do all those again. 

Over The Last years 

we have been 

Working on repairing from 

The War of Addiction. 

Drugs. 

An invisible killer.

[thestaringgirlsshadow]

you know the ones (mine)

Mine 

Beyonce’ & Drake 

Knowing that I could barely handle, 

The Waves of My Emotional Pain. 

I will not open my loved ones, 

up to the pain I hide. 

The dams are in place to protect you, 

not me. 

This is my warning. 

Be careful when you 

mess with my settings. 

I worked for years to 

the settings in my mind. 

Do not sound alarms. 

If you enter My Head

Suit Up. 

Its bumpy. 

Be careful

Not to trigger any of the bombs

under the cover of the night. 

I wouldn’t want to you 

lose something you love. 

This psychologist working in 

integrated behavioral medicine. 

He was developing a 

new behavioral health model. 

To be at the scene of the crime. 

He meets you at 

the river in the doctor’s office. 

As I sat, nearing the bottom of the tissue box. It was the end of the worst year of my life. With dealing with the emotions of not being able to be with my dying mother. 

He arrives in his Sundays best and give me his ears and eyes. 

As I’m nearing the end of piecing together my biggest fears. Explaining my unusual behavior. Behavior descripted to me as risky. Risky behavior is a cry for help and must mean that I’m crazy. 

He was the first and only healthcare professional, to tell me.

 You are not crazy, just smarted than everyone.

Don’t Blame Me

By: Taylor Swift 

I free-fall into this memory. 

Finally, 

After years of being insecure of being less than. 

My hands were bloody from years, of proving everyone wrong. 

I am not dumb or crazy. 

Just smarter than you. 

It’s not a disstorted memory or misheard words. 

It’s written in my medical record. 

The World at Top of that Volcano to read. 

The sharks to go over the notes of my downfall. 

He undid, 

what every person who said,

 take a pill and go back to work. 

All those Sharks and 

Snakes in The Grass. 

Wanted me to shut up

Go do My Job. 

I could not. 

It was killing me. 

My Job was going against everything I believe in. 

In Order to 

Live a Life Worth Living Again. 

I had to 

Dive off The Waterfall of Despair. 

When I Remembered Who I Was. 

I became Brave Again. 

I was just Brave Enough to Jump. 

It was Time. 

It was Time to take My Turn. 

If I do not believe in myself. 

Noone will. 

Most Days…. 

I thought I was The Smartest in The Room. 

Now… 

I was told I was… 

I think it and therefore I am. 

Its True. 

Thanks. 

I had a suspicion that I was. 

Now… He was like . . . 

yeah you are. 

That was good confidence builder. 

On The Mission to Love Myself again.

I needed to believe that I was. 

Getting everyone else to love me is an easy mission. 

Getting me to love me is a lot harder of a mission.

Chapter 26: 

Bad Blood 

Dancing with your Ghost 

I Will Always Love you 

Take away Jeff & Jess. 

Take away Ryan & Ryan. 

Take away My Ex-Husband & My Old Friend. 

Take away all those 

                                J Boys & Girls out there. 

Take them all away. 

I just wanted to look at My Life. 

They are just characters in My Story. 

They are not going to be My Happiness. 

My Joy Joy Seed for 

My Joy Joy Garden. 

That seed must come from within. 

I had to make that seed.

Joy Joy Seed… 

                                     It was never going to come from a boy.

I knew that to be Happy. 

That joy feeling, 

I was looking for. 

I had to grow that shit myself. 

They all have a history of distracting me and pissing me off. At that moment in time. When I was sitting in a room talking to Behavioral Health Therapist.

My Ex-Husband had a broken hand from me being, 

a whore at  New year’s Eve party. 

My Old Friend was in hiding from me.

Dancing with Your Ghost

Sasha Alex Sloan

My Life was a ticking time bomb. 

It needed to explode. 

My Old Friend stayed away. 

Avoid being a casualty to My War. 

He was in no shape for a War. 

My War with an alcoholic 

Who may be a schizophrenic. 

That is losing his family. 

It was a two-person job to 

Dissolve My Marriage. 

I made The Mess. 

I will Clean it. 

How will I clean The Mess I’ve Made?

That I did not know. 

Days after The Park in December 2020

I was trying to make a decision. 

I was stuck in a non-decision cycle.

A non-decision is a decision. 

     Partition

         Beyounce’

Denial. 

Denial that I won’t admit it,

 to the world. 

That I do not have a prefect life. 

My Life is pretend. 

I never got over that boy 

that took My Cherry Pie. 

Mostly…. 

I was in denial that I had major Mental Health concerns. 

For years… 

I have been on the ever hunt to heal My Mind. 

I was unable to do it by myself. 

I searched & searched. 

I read & read. 

I could not find The Mountain to climb. 

When I was at the end of My Rope in December 2020. 

I knew that I needed to be honest with myself. 

I was hurting no one by living a lie. 

I was only hurting myself. 

I had to get well. 

I needed to be of sound mind. 

I was not. 

I had to admit 

I had a problem 

To Fix 

The Problem.

I had to go Deep in My Memory Woods.

Hunt The Problem. 

Kill The Problem.  

I Will Always Love YOU

By: Whitney Houston 

I have spent My Life running from My Depression Demons. 

Ignoring them. 

Sometimes those Demons. . .

                     look like Nicolas Cage. 

Hunting me in. . . 

                       The Memory Woods. 

Pretending to be a bad guy. 

But then… 

                      he is always The Good Guy… 

Then he walks out playing the saxophone. 

“Its not me that you are mad at. 

It’s the World, stace.” 

“ Wanna Dance?” asks Mr. Cage 

You remembered all about… 

Why…. You Always Love Nicolas Cage Movies. 

They are just a superior movie. 

Even if he looks like he plays himself in every movie. 

A movie with Nicolas Cage, playing Nicolas Cage.    

He has the same face, like that girl from Twilight. 

Like… are they related? 

Likely. 

You always think. 

Man, this movie is going to be shit.

But… then is not. 

I Will Always Love You, Mr. Cage. 

Id do Anything for Love (but I wont do that) 

By: Meatloaf 

Over The years, 

The Demons got larger. 

Bigger. 

Growing in Strength. 

I am a strong person. 

I was not dealing with My Hurt. 

My Hurt was fueling. . . 

                                     The Demons in My Woods. 

My Demons were causing My Trails to be unclear. 

My Demons led me in The River of Despair. 

In The River of Despair. 

Floating on My Raft of Denial. 

My Raft of Denial was going to 

drown me. 

There was a hole. 

The boat was deflating. 

It was no longer going to get be a float. 

I was panicking. 

I had to remember to swim. 

I was scared that 

this was it. 

It was going to 

overtake me. 

The River of Despair is 

rushing as rapidly. 

If I do not figure 

something out quickly. 

I will die. 

The River of Despair 

Only seen and felt in 

My Mind. 

But… it is real. 

I knew that the only way to save myself from this river. Do the one thing I have never done. Be honest with myself. Be honest with everyone. Stop lying about My Happiness, My Prefect Marriage, and Who I am. 

Over the years, I wanted so badly to just be normal. 

Just be like everyone else. 

Just have the normal little life. 

I got it. 

It felt like drowning. 

I felt like I wished for the cement.

That was poured into The molds. 

Turned in bricks that going to drown me. 

As the years go by. 

I sit and wonder where I went wrong.

What decisions were made to bring me here? 

You cannot undo what has been done. 

It’s All Coming Back to Me Now

By: Celine Dion

In December 2020

I had no other choice, 

But. . .  to pull myself out of 

             The River of Despair.

It was time to talk. 

It was time to Be Honest. 

Be Honest with someone

Who Knew Me. 

Not. . . 

High School Stace 

Not. . . 

Wife Stace 

Not. . . 

A Version of Stace I create for you.

He just knew me. 

I was a just a coworker that turned to friendship. We worked hard to the same goals. My work life he lived with me. He knew me and had no bias or preconceived ideas. If he did. He separated those from our session. 

I was standing at a Major Cross Road. 

Which Mountain to Climb. 

One I was familiar with. 

I already summited. 

It was miserable 

I wanted to live. 

But… It was comfortable and it was familiar. 

Or a Brand-New Mountain. 

I needed to change My Life. 

If I did not. 

I was going down a dark path. 

If I stayed on The Mountain I was on. 

It would have exploded. 

It was a Volcano. 

That Mountain looked beautiful. 

But… Underneath 

It was boiling. 

And 

Boiling. 

There was going to be a Blow. 

It was matter of time. 

If I did not get off That Mountain quick. 

I would burn with it. 

When I was Standing at . . . 

The Top of My Mountain of Denial. 

It was time to tumble back down. 

The Lava was rushing in. 

I Was Here 

Roos Pane 

My Behavior Health Therapist, 

                 Recited what I knew 

                  I needed to do. 

He said, “ Go home and fix your family.

                If this job isn’t making you happy……… then leave.”

Then he continued 

listening to me describe, 

my grandmother’s death. 

In a trailer down the lane, 

from where we sat. 

Knowing that someone in this new world, 

finally got why I cry so much. 

Why. . .  I cannot hear discomforts. 

Until, 

This point in my life,

it felt like my screams were unheard. 

My words, 

Being loaded into 

The Gun used to kill me. 

He told me to put down the gun. 

This was a man, 

Who wasn’t using my pain against me.

He continued to advise me

By saying.

I Care 

Beyounce’ 

 “You are none of those things, 

they say you are.

 If you have hurt someone,

 you had a reason in that moment. 

Now,

 just forgive yourself 

love on your family. 

Water yourself first, 

after you get done. 

Take the can to your family. 

After that,

 fill up the can again, 

walk to your chickens. 

Give them the rest. 

Keep working your soil. 

The fruits will be seen in The Spring.”

Praying 

Kesha 

Making The Decision to talk with 

My Behavior Health Friend. 

That Decision. 

Saved My Life. 

I could not head My Voice 

The Noise of 

Other’s opinions of me was killing me. 

That conversation 

helped me to recenter. 

Get back on The Path. 

Helped give me 

The Courage to Restart another Hike.

Helped give me momentum. 

To start The New Climb. 

This was needed to start another Climb. 

I had to climb to get to get up 

The New Mountain. 

In Order to be able to Climb. 

I have to let go of things. 

I can not carry. 

He told me to Let Go of The Weights.

Told me to say sorry once 

Then move on. 

Never Forget YOU

Zara Larsson, MNEK

We had a long conversation, about Trauma Bonds. 

My Entire Life is a Trauma Bond. 

Filled with relationships, that I have or had Trauma Bonds with. 

In his attempt to understand, why I have Trauma Bonding. 

He asked, 

“ What happened to little girl Stacy?” 

I said, 

“ Well…. In Summary. 

Bad things happen in Trailer Parks. 

When The Sun goes down. 

Especially. . .

            to a little pretty girl like me.” 

“ What does that mean.” 

Bitter

Fletcher

“ During The Spring, Summer, and Fall. 

I could run and play outside.

 I could hide away from 

Wolves in The Tree line.

When Winter Came.

 It got too cold to be outside.

 I had to go inside.

 There was no escaping

 The Terror of Living in a The World of Addiction.” 

Apologize

Timbaland & OneRepublic

“ Stacy… Wow. 

That is 

The Why to Why 

You get so sad every winter.

 I have always wondered.

 Every year you are so happy. 

Then it gets to be about November, 

you are unrecognizable.

 You withdraw and grow distant. 

That happy Stacy we all love, 

leaves us. 

That is where you go. 

If you go back to The Trailer Park. 

Finish it in your mind, 

unlock your suppressions. 

Just long enough to

 take a look at them with 

adult eyes. 

Forgive those people that hurt you. 

Understand that its okay to forgive, but cut the rope……… 

Now, why do you think you cant cut your Trauma Bonds.” 

Jealous

Beyounce’ 

“I feel like since I got out. 

That I must help everyone else 

Still stuck in The Cycle. 

When I try to save them. 

They set me on fire. 

Do not care that they are destroying me. 

I continue to let them. Year after year.” 

“ Stacy you need to simply tell more people to Fuck off.

 It’s that simple. 

Understand that they must save themselves.

 You must save yourself. 

You cannot save anyone, 

If you Do Not SAVE yourself.”

Partition

Beyounce’

This conversation was familiar. 

It sounded just like one I just had.

You know The One. 

In The Park with My Old Friend. 

He could not save me. 

He would not. 

I really didn’t want him too. 

I wanted to save 

myself for myself. 

With that being said, 

I was so emotionally depleted

Really needing a Hug. 

The Long kind of Hugs. 

The ones that have kissing with them. 

You know the ones. 

[thestaringgirlsshadow]

the found dream

Stacy Day's "The Found Dream": A Journey of Self-Discovery and Healing

Introduction to Stacy's Journey: Stacy Day's narrative chronicles her transformative journey from disillusionment to self-discovery, emphasizing themes of personal fulfillment, societal expectations, and the courage to dismantle an unfulfilling life.

Disillusionment with the "Dream":

Societal Expectations vs. Personal Happiness: Stacy reflects on pursuing a corporate career that, despite outward success, left her feeling empty and unfulfilled, highlighting the contrast between societal expectations and personal happiness.

The Nightmare of the Dream: The dream job, at the top of the volcano, was nothing but a dust cloud of years of prison.

Chained to Debt: Stacy felt trapped by debt and endless work, questioning the value of a system that seemed broken.

Waking Up: Stacy realized that her voice could never be heard, and she woke up.

Re-evaluating Priorities: This realization leads to a pivotal moment of awakening, prompting Stacy to re-evaluate her priorities and seek a more meaningful existence.

The Role of Therapy and Self-Reflection:

Seeking Professional Support: A crucial turning point is Stacy's engagement with a behavioral therapist, providing her with a safe space for self-reflection and validation.

Validation of Feelings: The therapist recognizes and validates Stacy's feelings of misery and hopelessness.

Encouragement to Write: He encourages her to pursue her passion for writing, recognizing its potential to help others and bring her personal joy.

Identifying the Biggest Fear: Stacy is asked to identify her biggest fear, which is to fail and end up at the Dollar General.

Reclaiming Agency: The therapist's guidance helps Stacy identify her fears and aspirations, ultimately empowering her to reclaim her agency and pursue a path aligned with her authentic self.

Reconnecting with the Past and Re-evaluating Relationships:

The Emergence of Jesse: The narrative introduces Jesse, an old friend who re-enters Stacy's life and becomes a significant source of support and encouragement.

Shared Dreams: She and the therapist have shared dreams and aspirations.

Unwavering Support: Jesse provides unwavering support for Stacy's ability to write.

Reigniting Feelings: Jesse's presence stirs up suppressed feelings and a longing for a different kind of connection.

Recognizing Emotional Distance: Jesse's reappearance triggers a re-evaluation of Stacy's existing relationships, particularly her marriage, leading her to recognize the emotional distance and lack of fulfillment within it.

The Dissolution of the Marriage:

Prioritizing Well-being: Stacy's growing dissatisfaction culminates in a decision to leave her marriage, highlighting the challenges and complexities of ending a long-term relationship.

Recognizing Unhappiness: Stacy acknowledges her unhappiness and the need to prioritize her own well-being.

Confronting Husband's Behavior: She confronts her husband's emotional unavailability and controlling behavior.

Breaking the Cycle: Stacy breaks the cycle of unhappiness by choosing to leave.

Commitment to Personal Growth: The decision to leave represents a commitment to personal growth and the pursuit of a more fulfilling life.

The "Old Friend" and the Exploration of Desire:

Reawakening of Desires: Jesse, referred to as "Old Friend", becomes increasingly central to Stacy's journey, sparking a reawakening of her desires and a willingness to explore her sexuality.

Reawakening of Desires: Jesse's presence reawakens Stacy's desires and a willingness to explore her sexuality.

Confronting Past Traumas: She confronts past traumas and explores her sexuality, seeking clarity and liberation.

The Spy Game: Stacy suspects Jesse of stalking her digitally, leading to a mix of fear and attraction.

Navigating Relationships: This section delves into the complexities of desire and the challenges of navigating relationships in the context of past experiences and personal insecurities.

Confronting Family Dynamics and Setting Boundaries:

Recognizing Toxicity: Stacy also confronts challenging family dynamics, particularly her relationship with her sister, recognizing her manipulative behavior and the need to protect herself and her son.

Recognizing Toxicity: Stacy recognizes her sister's manipulative behavior and the need to protect herself and her son.

Setting Boundaries: She prioritizes her well-being, distancing herself from toxic family members.

Choosing Family: Stacy chooses her fire friends to be her family.

Prioritizing Well-being: This emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries and prioritizing one's own well-being, even when it means distancing oneself from family members.

Embracing the Unknown and Pursuing Authentic Joy:

A New Beginning: The narrative concludes with Stacy embracing the unknown and embarking on a path of self-discovery, fueled by the support of Jesse and the desire to create a life aligned with her values and dreams.

A New Beginning: Stacy embarks on a path of self-discovery, fueled by the support of Jesse and the desire to create a life aligned with her values and dreams.

Prioritizing Happiness: She prioritizes her happiness and pursues a more authentic life.

The Journey Ahead: Stacy is on the mountain she wants to be on and has written 3 books.

Importance of Self-Acceptance: This underscores the importance of self-acceptance, resilience, and the courage to pursue one's true passions.

Exploring Trauma and Identity Through Narrative Construction

The Fragmented Self:

Fluid Self-Perception: The text presents a personal exploration of identity formation, marked by a fluid self-perception stemming from profound trauma.

Key Findings: The narrative highlights the impact of past abuse and captivity on the author's mental state.

Trauma as a Defining Force: These experiences have led to a fragmented sense of self and the development of coping mechanisms.

Narrative as a Therapeutic Tool:

Reframing the Past: The author employs narrative construction as a means of processing and reframing her traumatic past.

Rewriting History: She actively reimagines her life, integrating personal experiences with elements from popular culture.

Seeking Control: By embodying powerful figures, she attempts to regain agency and control over her internal world.

Seeking Connection and Healing:

Symbolic Relationships: Relationships with key individuals are explored through this framework, with each person embodying symbolic roles.

Symbolic Relationships: These connections often represent both sources of pain and potential avenues for healing.

The Power of Connection: The author seeks to find peace and self-acceptance through these interactions.

Resilience and Self-Creation: The text showcases the human capacity for resilience and self-creation in the face of adversity.

Understanding "Wild Mind": A Journey Through Trauma, Identity, and Self-Creation

Trauma and Identity Fragmentation:

Core Experience: The author, Stacy Day, recounts a history of significant trauma, leading to a fragmented sense of self and a struggle to define her identity.

Perceived Reality Shifts: She describes experiencing shifts in her sense of self, feeling "switched" or as if she is "leaving and coming back," indicating a disruption in her core identity.

Multiple Personas: This fragmentation manifests in the adoption of various personas, from the powerful "Illuminati Princess" to the vulnerable "scared kid," reflecting the internal struggle to reconcile different aspects of her experience.

Traumatic Events: The narrative highlights specific traumatic events, including perceived "captivity," "abuse," and "trafficking," which contribute to a sense of being "imprisoned" within her own mind.

Internal Confinement: The recurring image of being "taken and hidden" underscores the feeling of being trapped and controlled, both physically and mentally.

Coping Mechanisms: Stacy develops specific coping mechanisms as a means of navigating and processing her traumatic past.

Internal Simulation: The creation of an elaborate internal "simulation" or "story" becomes a central strategy, allowing her to reframe and reinterpret her experiences.

Rewriting History: She actively "rewrites everything I've seen, as my life story," transforming real-life events and media consumption into a personalized narrative.

Seeking Validation: The narrative emphasizes the need for "validation for what was real abuse" as a crucial step towards healing and opening "mental doors."

Key Relationships and their Symbolic Roles:

The "J Boys": The author's relationships with a group of male figures, referred to as the "J Boys," play a significant role in her internal narrative, representing both sources of pain and potential avenues for healing.

Josh (Joshy-Poo): Represents idealized love, safety, and ultimate peace. He is consistently portrayed as the "Holy Grail," the "river of Peace," and the boy she "truly loved."

Jesse: Often depicted as a figure of darkness, betrayal, and manipulation. He is referred to as "The Dark Lord" or "The Devil."

Jacob: A complex character embodying both fear and safety. He is sometimes seen as "The Devil" or a "wizard," capable of darkness, yet also a source of "safety" and her "best friend."

Jeff: Associated with past negative experiences, including suspected drugging and intimate relationships with her family members.

Alex: Consistently portrayed as a figure of kindness, protection, and wisdom. He is "The G" (Grand Design/God) in her mental "Masonic Church" and the only "J Boy" she "was nice too."

Female Bonds: Stacy's relationships with female figures, particularly Erin and Katie, are equally crucial for her healing journey.

Erin: Symbolizes joy, sunshine, and a vital connection to her younger self. She is seen as "The Queen," "The Real Rory Gilmore," and a "mouthpiece" for Stacy's story.

Katie: Described as "Heaven," "beauty," and her "Soul Sister." Katie is a source of profound guidance and protection, helping Stacy navigate the "troubles of my mind."

Cheryl: Stacy's sister, linked to the trauma of human trafficking. Stacy projects fears onto Cheryl, seeing her as potentially "evil enough to switch my child," yet also acknowledges a deep connection and a shared need for healing.

The Path to Healing and Self-Empowerment:

Achieving Internal Peace: The overarching goal of Stacy's narrative is to achieve healing, peace, and self-acceptance.

Seeking Harmony: She yearns to "make Heaven" and to "mend the broken in my heart," indicating a desire to resolve internal conflicts and find a sense of inner harmony.

Acknowledging the Past: This involves a process of confronting past pain, acknowledging her "toxic traits" and "bad girl" persona, and ultimately striving to be a "good woman."

Self-Belief: Stacy's empowerment stems from her unwavering belief in her own "magic" and "power."

Creative Expression: Her writing becomes a tool for manifestation, allowing her to design her desired reality and to communicate her complex internal world.

Enduring Strength: The narrative concludes with a sense of ongoing journey, a continuous process of self-discovery, and a powerful assertion of her enduring identity as "Stacy Day," a symbol of resurrection and strength.

A Daughter's Journey: Life Lessons from a Mother's Pain

Family History and Context:

The Mother's Central Role: The mother's life, marked by struggles and resilience, serves as the primary source of these lessons.

Sisters' Influence: The author's sisters contribute unique perspectives, shaping her understanding of relationships and personal growth.

Father's Presence: The father influences family dynamics, adding to the narrative of love and perseverance.

Mother's Journey Through Adversity:

Early Challenges: The mother faced poverty, teenage pregnancy, and loss, shaping her early life.

Descent into Addiction: Financial strain and grief led to depression and a search for escape.

Prescription Drug Abuse: The mother turned to prescription drugs, initiating a struggle with addiction.

Impact on Family: Addiction negatively affected her parenting and family stability.

Daughter's Path to Understanding and Learning:

Mirroring and Empathy: The author experienced similar challenges, fostering empathy for her mother's choices.

Extracting Life Lessons:

Perspective and Empathy: Understanding others' perspectives became a crucial life lesson.

Love Over Materialism: Prioritizing love over material wealth emerged as a guiding principle.

Resourceful Parenting: Parenting with limited resources required creativity and determination.

Battling Mental Illness: Mental health struggles demanded self-awareness and seeking support.

Self-Love and Acceptance: Embracing self-love became essential for well-being.

Key Life Lessons and Personal Growth:

Resilience and Forgiveness:

Overcoming Setbacks: The family demonstrated resilience in the face of adversity.

The Power of Forgiveness: Forgiveness was essential for healing and moving forward.

Starting Anew: The ability to "let it go and start over" became a defining characteristic.

Prioritizing Wellness:

Mental Health Awareness: Recognizing the importance of mental and physical health.

Seeking Help: The author emphasizes the need to seek professional help when needed.

Self-Acceptance: Accepting oneself became essential for personal growth.

Navigating Self-Discovery and Relationships: Lessons from Stacy's Journey

The Sun as a Metaphor for External Validation:

Dangers of Fixation: The narrative introduces the central metaphor of the sun, representing the dangers of fixating on external validation.

Blinded Vision: A distorted perception of reality.

Loss of Self: A diminished sense of personal identity.

Unhealthy Attachments: Forming dependencies that hinder personal growth.

Relationships and Personal Growth:

Complex Relationships: Stacy's journey explores the complexities of relationships, particularly her entanglements with Tim Riddle, a manipulative figure, and Josh, a source of stability.

Discern Healthy Connections: Identify relationships that foster growth and support.

Prioritize Well-Being: Make choices that align with her own values and needs.

Trust Intuition: Rely on her inner guidance to navigate complex situations.

Finding Inner Strength and Embracing Authenticity:

Inner Strength and Self-Worth: Ultimately, Stacy discovers her inner strength and self-worth, symbolized by "a thousand suns".

Embrace Authenticity: Live in accordance with her true values and desires.

Cultivate Resilience: Overcome challenges and emerge stronger than before.

Pursue Fulfillment: Seek a life of purpose and genuine happiness.

Stacy Day's "The Lost Dream": A Narrative of Trauma and Healing

Personal Trauma and Identity Construction:

Processing Trauma: Day's narrative revolves around processing profound personal trauma, including perceived human trafficking, identity shifts, and a sense of manipulation, using writing as a therapeutic outlet.

Fluid Identity: She adopts multiple identities—"The Holy One," "Illuminati Princess," pop icons—to embody strength and navigate perceived realities.

Simulation as Coping Mechanism: The "Stacy Simulation" functions as a self-created world where personal experiences are re-written and external media is integrated as "clues."

Archetypal Relationships: Individuals are cast into symbolic roles.

Nelson as "The Devil": Represents both trauma and a source of support, a complex figure to be confronted and ultimately controlled.

Alex as "God": Embodies divine clarity and healing, guiding the protagonist towards a better future.

Jesse as "The Chosen One": Represents a connection to both light and dark forces, a figure of both love and challenge.

Healing and Empowerment:

Journey to Peace: The narrative details a quest for healing, involving confronting "trauma demons" and rebuilding a "destroyed Joy Garden."

Memory and Remembering: The act of writing becomes a process of uncovering lost memories and resolving unresolved traumas.

Confronting the "Devil": The protagonist seeks to assert control over the source of her torment, aiming to transform the "Devil" into a subservient figure.

Seeking Validation and Agency: Day seeks validation for her experiences, transforming pain into personal power and purpose.

Vision for Social Change:

Social Mission: Day articulates a clear vision for societal change, stemming from her experiences and a desire to "make the world a better place."

Combating Trafficking and Poverty: Her primary focus is creating a support system for victims of human trafficking and poverty, particularly youth.

Mercy Hubs and The Haven: Envisions safe spaces and resources, including telephone booths with cameras, access to transportation, food, and shelter, and a health system addressing social needs.

Community-Led Solutions: Advocates for empowering local members to create jobs and provide support.

Feminine Approach to Healing: The concept of "God is a Woman" underscores a nurturing approach, suggesting women hold the key to addressing systemic problems.

Narrative Techniques and Conclusion:

Pop Culture as Metaphor: Movies and figures are integrated as metaphorical frameworks, providing a lens for understanding her life and the roles of others.

Dream Analysis: Dreams are a source of clues and insights, revealing subconscious thoughts and spiritual beliefs.

Writing as Therapy: The act of writing is a therapeutic tool, enabling self-discovery and external communication.

Exploring Allegations of Trauma, Trafficking, and Conspiracy: A Critical Examination

Childhood Trauma and Alleged Abduction:

Abuse Claims: The author specifically mentions abuse by "Uncle Charlie," describing it as classic grooming behavior.

Missing Memories: The inability to remember the basement is attributed to not being present, implying periods of absence or dissociation related to the alleged trauma.

Identity Confusion: The author's narrative includes a recurring theme of identity confusion, feeling like multiple people, including "Stacy Day" and "Stacy Sharp."

Allegations of Trafficking and Exploitation:

"Prime Meat": The author expresses a belief that she was initially considered "prime meat" but later became less valuable as she grew older.

Farming for Children: The author's narrative includes the disturbing claim that she and other girls were "farmed for" their children, who were then switched.

"The Holy Grail": The author repeatedly refers to herself as "The Holy Grail," suggesting a belief that she possessed unique qualities or significance that made her a target for exploitation.

Conspiracy Beliefs and Persecution:

"E Turned Hillsboro": The author mentions "E" turning Hillsboro into "hunting grounds," suggesting a belief that someone was using their position of power to facilitate trafficking in her community.

Hospital Incident: The author claims that a girl sharing her life was killed at the hospital, leading to memory discrepancies among people.

Constant Surveillance: The author expresses a constant feeling of being watched and monitored, even after escaping her childhood circumstances.

MK Ultra and Mind Control Allegations:

"Enchanting" Children: The author's use of the word "enchant" suggests a belief that the mind control techniques were used to manipulate children's minds and make them more susceptible to exploitation.

Drugs and Disappearance: The author claims that the "enchanted" children were then hooked on drugs and either died or disappeared.

Identity Fragmentation and Dissociation:

"Stacy Day" and "Stacy Sharp": The author frequently refers to "Stacy Day" and "Stacy Sharp" as separate identities, each with their own experiences and memories.

Body Switching: The author describes experiencing "body switching," where she feels like she is inhabiting different bodies.

"I am all over all the bodies I have had": This statement further emphasizes the author's fragmented sense of self and the difficulty in maintaining a consistent identity.

Seeking Truth and Justice:

"Students of Stace": The author addresses "Students of Stace," suggesting a belief that her experiences have a broader significance and can serve as a lesson for others.

"If I bring World peace. This I can be The Blessed Virgin Mary": This statement reflects the author's desire to find meaning and purpose in her suffering and to use her experiences to make a positive impact on the world.

Documenting the Truth: The author emphasizes the importance of documenting her experiences, taking pictures and writing letters to preserve her memories and share her story with others.

Stacy Day's "Staring at The Wave": A Journey of Self-Discovery

Leaving the Corporate World:

Career Dissatisfaction: Stacy's decision to leave her corporate healthcare job stemmed from growing dissatisfaction and a need to prioritize her mental well-being.

Spiritual Guidance: The author attributes this decision to a spiritual calling, suggesting a desire for a more meaningful life path.

Seeking Healing: This marked the beginning of a journey towards self-healing and rediscovering her passions.

Navigating Complex Relationships:

The "Old Friend" Figure: A central theme revolves around the author's relationship with a figure referred to as "Old Friend," a connection marked by love, heartbreak, and uncertainty.

Interpreting Signs: The author analyzes various clues and signs to decipher his feelings.

Past Trauma Influence: Past traumas and fear of vulnerability shaped the author's interactions with "Old Friend."

Emotional Challenges: The narrative explores the challenges of navigating complex emotions and interpreting ambiguous signals.

The Power of Writing as Therapy:

Fulfilling a Wish: Writing becomes a therapeutic outlet, fulfilling her mother's dying wish to write love stories.

Exploring Mental Health: It allows for exploration of her mental health, trauma, and past relationships.

Self-Discovery Tool: Through writing, the author reconnects with her past self, rediscovering passions and talents.

Embracing Imperfection and Resilience:

Self-Acceptance: The author learns to accept herself with flaws and all.

Finding Joy: She actively seeks moments of joy through her son, creative pursuits, and loved ones.

Maintaining Hope: Despite setbacks, the author demonstrates remarkable resilience and maintains a positive outlook.

Exploring Intergenerational Patterns:

Introduction to Family Patterns: The author embarks on a personal exploration of her family's history, focusing on the impact of intergenerational trauma and addiction.

The Tree Metaphor: The central metaphor of a tree symbolizes the author's life journey, with each ring representing a year of experiences and lessons.

Roots of the Tree: The mother serves as the foundation or roots of the tree, representing the source of the author's strength and resilience.

Breaking Cycles: The author seeks to understand and break the cycles of trauma and addiction that have affected her family for generations.

The Mother's Story: A Portrait of Resilience:

Life's Hardships: The author's mother, Lori, faced numerous challenges, including early trauma, teenage motherhood, relationship issues, addiction, and financial hardship.

Trauma and Loss: Early loss of her mother, coupled with abusive relationships, had a lasting impact on Lori.

Addiction's Grip: Lori's struggles with mental health led to an addiction to prescription drugs, further complicating her life.

Financial Instability: The family faced constant financial struggles, including foreclosure and poverty.

Unwavering Strength: Despite these hardships, Lori is portrayed as a strong and resourceful woman who always found a way to persevere.

Kindness and Humor: She possessed a unique blend of kindness and humor, which helped her navigate difficult situations.

Motherly Love: Her unwavering love for her daughters served as a guiding force in her life.

The Author's Journey: Healing and Growth:

Personal Struggles: The author candidly shares her own struggles with mental health, body image, and relationship issues.

Depression and Anxiety: She faced challenges with depression and anxiety, which significantly impacted her life.

Addiction to Food: She turned to food as a coping mechanism, leading to weight gain and negative self-image.

Relationship Challenges: She navigated complex relationship issues, including infidelity and communication problems.

Seeking Transformation: The author embarks on a journey of self-discovery, seeking to heal from her own trauma and break free from negative patterns.

Self-Compassion: She emphasizes the importance of self-compassion and self-acceptance in the healing process.

Professional Help: She highlights the value of seeking professional help for mental health and addiction issues.

Positive Affirmations: She incorporates positive affirmations into her daily life to promote self-love and resilience.

Key Lessons and Conclusions:

Overcoming Adversity: The author emphasizes the importance of resilience in the face of adversity, highlighting the power of perseverance and forgiveness.

Self-Love and Acceptance: She stresses the need for self-love and acceptance, recognizing inner beauty and worth.

Breaking the Cycle: The author's journey serves as a powerful reminder that healing is possible and that individuals can break free from intergenerational patterns of trauma and addiction.

Finding Hope: The narrative concludes with a message of hope, emphasizing the possibility of transformation and a brighter future.

In conclusion, Stacy Day's autobiographical narratives present a multifaceted exploration of trauma, identity, and healing. Through a blend of personal experiences, spiritual interpretations, and creative expression, she offers a compelling testament to the human capacity for resilience, self-discovery, and the active manifestation of a more fulfilling life.

[thestaringgirlsshadow]

Bad Blood -explained- don't blame me

Stacy's Internal Conflict: The author, Stacy, reflects on her career and the emotional disconnect she experienced within the healthcare system, feeling unheard and burdened by expectations. She recognizes a loss of motivation and a desire for a different path, symbolized by climbing a new mountain.

The Dichotomy of Self: Stacy contrasts her authentic self, Stacy Day, with her perceived societal role, Mrs. Stacey Sharp, highlighting the constraints and inauthenticity of the latter.

Reclaiming Authenticity: Stacy realizes that she has to choose which version of herself will make decisions and that it is time to act.

The Buried Self: Years passed and Stacy Day was buried and lost.

The Illusion of Happiness: Stacy acknowledges that her created perception of happiness was an illusion.

Sacrificing Perception: Stacy had to sacrifice the perception of fake joy in order to create real joy.

Choosing Joy: When looking at those two trailheads, choose joy.

The Hard-Earned Experience: Stacy contrasts her own experience with that of clinicians from privileged backgrounds, arguing that their lack of real-world experience hinders their ability to effect meaningful change.

Perseverance and Vision: She emphasizes the importance of perseverance, envisioning a better future, and being willing to change direction when faced with obstacles.

Confronting the Inner Devil: Stacy realizes that she has been running from the devil, but the devil was inside of her all along.

Digging Up Stacy Day: Stacy needed to dig up Stacy Day, who was buried under unresolved traumas.

Seeking Help and Healing: Stacy decided to reach out for help from a long-time friend and psychologist.

The Healing Conversation: The conversation was more healing than any anti-depressant prescribed.

Protecting Others: The dams were in place to protect my people, from my pain.

Stacy's journey is one of self-discovery, acknowledging past traumas, societal pressures, and the need to reclaim her authentic self to find true joy and purpose.

[thestaringgirlsshadow]

Bad Blood -explained- don't blame me

Stacy's Internal Conflict: The author, Stacy, reflects on her career and the emotional disconnect she experienced within the healthcare system, feeling unheard and burdened by expectations. She recognizes a loss of motivation and a desire for a different path, symbolized by climbing a new mountain.

The Dichotomy of Self: Stacy contrasts her authentic self, Stacy Day, with her perceived societal role, Mrs. Stacey Sharp, highlighting the constraints and inauthenticity of the latter.

Reclaiming Authenticity: Stacy realizes that she has to choose which version of herself will make decisions and that it is time to act.

The Buried Self: Years passed and Stacy Day was buried and lost.

The Illusion of Happiness: Stacy acknowledges that her created perception of happiness was an illusion.

Sacrificing Perception: Stacy had to sacrifice the perception of fake joy in order to create real joy.

Choosing Joy: When looking at those two trailheads, choose joy.

The Hard-Earned Experience: Stacy contrasts her own experience with that of clinicians from privileged backgrounds, arguing that their lack of real-world experience hinders their ability to effect meaningful change.

Perseverance and Vision: She emphasizes the importance of perseverance, envisioning a better future, and being willing to change direction when faced with obstacles.

Confronting the Inner Devil: Stacy realizes that she has been running from the devil, but the devil was inside of her all along.

Digging Up Stacy Day: Stacy needed to dig up Stacy Day, who was buried under unresolved traumas.

Seeking Help and Healing: Stacy decided to reach out for help from a long-time friend and psychologist.

The Healing Conversation: The conversation was more healing than any anti-depressant prescribed.

Protecting Others: The dams were in place to protect my people, from my pain.

Stacy's journey is one of self-discovery, acknowledging past traumas, societal pressures, and the need to reclaim her authentic self to find true joy and purpose.

[thestaringgirlsshadow]

bad blood (don't blame me) -explained

Reclaiming Authenticity: A Journey of Self-Discovery and Healing

This narrative explores the protagonist's introspective journey, delving into themes of self-discovery, the struggle against societal expectations, and the arduous path toward healing and reclaiming one's authentic self. The narrative is structured around the protagonist's internal conflict, her recognition of the need for change, and her eventual decision to confront her past traumas and embrace a more genuine existence.

The Disconnect and the Desire for Change

The protagonist, Stacy, begins by reflecting on her career in healthcare, where she experiences a profound sense of emotional detachment. She feels trapped in a cycle of meaningless interactions, unheard and unseen despite her capabilities. This disconnect leads to a loss of motivation and a growing dissatisfaction with her current path. She uses the metaphor of climbing a mountain to represent her career aspirations, but she realizes that she is climbing the wrong mountain – one that does not align with her true desires and values.

The Wrong Mountain: Stacy feels that climbing the current mountain is a waste of time and that she needs to change course.

A New Path: She envisions a better mountain, one that is more fulfilling and meaningful, but she lacks the tools and resources to reach it.

Radical Change: Achieving this new path requires a radical transformation, symbolized by "blowing up" her current mountain.

This section highlights the protagonist's initial awareness of her unhappiness and her yearning for a more authentic and purposeful life. The mountain metaphor effectively illustrates her desire for a different career trajectory and the challenges she anticipates in achieving it.

The Dichotomy of Self: Stacy Day vs. Mrs. Stacey Sharp

A central theme of the narrative is the internal conflict between two aspects of the protagonist's identity: Stacy Day and Mrs. Stacey Sharp. Stacy Day represents her authentic self – a free-spirited, uninhibited individual who is unafraid to challenge conventions and stand up for her beliefs. In contrast, Mrs. Stacey Sharp embodies the socially constructed persona that Stacy has adopted to conform to societal expectations and climb the corporate ladder.

Stacy Day: She is described as bruised, broken, unkempt, and wild, but also free of perception and unafraid to offend.

Mrs. Stacey Sharp: She is portrayed as a coward, a fake body suit designed to hide Stacy Day and protect her from judgment.

This dichotomy underscores the sacrifices Stacy has made to achieve professional success. By suppressing her true self, she has become alienated from her own values and desires. The narrative suggests that this inauthenticity is a major source of her unhappiness and that reclaiming Stacy Day is essential for her well-being.

Reclaiming Authenticity and Choosing Joy

The protagonist recognizes that she must choose which version of herself will guide her decisions and determine her path forward. This realization marks a turning point in the narrative, signaling her commitment to embracing her authentic self and pursuing a life that is aligned with her true values.

The Decision: Stacy acknowledges that it is time to act and decide which "trail to hike" – representing the different paths she can take in life.

Choosing Joy: She concludes that the ultimate goal is to choose joy, even if it means sacrificing the perceived security and status of her current life.

Sacrificing Perception: Stacy has to sacrifice the perception of fake joy in order to create real joy.

This section emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and the courage to make difficult choices in pursuit of personal fulfillment. The protagonist's decision to prioritize joy over societal expectations is a powerful statement about the value of authenticity and the potential for transformation.

The Buried Self and the Illusion of Happiness

The narrative delves into the idea that Stacy's authentic self has been buried and lost over time. She acknowledges that she has achieved a certain level of privilege and success, but that she is missing the most important thing: herself. The younger version of Stacy, who was once vibrant and full of life, has been imprisoned inside of her, unable to express herself or contribute to her well-being.

The Illusion: Stacy recognizes that her created perception of happiness was an illusion.

Younger Stacy: She was buried and missing it all.

The Imprisonment: She was living imprisoned inside of Stacy and was never allowed to come out to play.

This section highlights the detrimental effects of suppressing one's true self. By burying her authentic self, Stacy has created an illusion of happiness that is ultimately unsustainable. The narrative suggests that true happiness can only be achieved by embracing and integrating all aspects of one's identity, including the parts that have been hidden or suppressed.

Confronting the Inner Devil

The narrative takes a darker turn as the protagonist confronts the idea that she has been running from devils, but that the devil was inside of her all along. This realization suggests that the source of her unhappiness is not external circumstances, but rather internal conflicts and unresolved traumas.

The Devil Within: Stacy realizes that she has been running from the devil, but the devil was inside of her all along.

Internal Struggle: The only person that can fight the devil inside of Stacy is Stacy.

Digging Up Stacy Day: Stacy needed to dig up Stacy Day, who was buried under unresolved traumas.

This section emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and the willingness to confront one's own demons. The narrative suggests that true healing requires acknowledging and addressing the internal struggles that have been holding the protagonist back.

Seeking Help and Healing

The protagonist recognizes that she cannot overcome her challenges alone and that she needs to reach out for help. This decision marks a significant step forward in her journey, as it demonstrates her willingness to be vulnerable and seek support from others.

Reaching Out: Stacy decided to reach out for help from a long-time friend and psychologist.

The Healing Conversation: The conversation was more healing than any anti-depressant prescribed.

Protecting Others: The dams were in place to protect my people, from my pain.

This section underscores the importance of social connection and the power of supportive relationships in the healing process. The protagonist's decision to seek help from a friend and psychologist highlights the value of professional guidance and the importance of having someone to confide in during times of struggle.

Conclusion

In conclusion, this narrative presents a compelling exploration of self-discovery, the challenges of societal expectations, and the arduous path toward healing and reclaiming one's authentic self. Through the protagonist's introspective journey, the narrative emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, the courage to make difficult choices, and the power of social connection in overcoming internal struggles and achieving a more fulfilling and genuine existence. The narrative ultimately suggests that true happiness can only be found by embracing all aspects of one's identity and pursuing a life that is aligned with one's true values and desires.