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thetardisremotivated · 14 days

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'What I Missed'

'The Doctor ponders how much of his best friends life he missed whilst looking through family photos - and it hurts.'

Another feely Fourteen fic, set a couple of weeks after the Giggle so expect lots of angst! Can also be read on AO3

Words: 2,139

It was rather hectic in the Temple-Noble household.

Shaun was making supper, trying to stave off a very adamant Sylvia, who had told him three times in the last five minutes that more salt was a must for the vegan mince.

Donna was making sure Wilf didn’t over-prune the apple tree which needed cut back to stop the apples from falling into the neighbour's yard.

Rose was dipping in and out of the kitchen, having set the table amidst the mad rush and decided to take ten minutes to play a game the Doctor had downloaded onto her phone – a game supposedly from 2046.

The Doctor himself was sat alone in the quiet living room, hunched over a photo album Wilf had let him borrow for the day.

The cup of tea he’d made for himself an hour ago was now stone cold, forgotten on the coffee table. Instead, the Doctor was completely engrossed in the pictures stuck onto the smooth sheets of paper, some of them labelled, while others were harder to identify.

It had started as a nice, quaint distraction from the chaos in the kitchen - he’d only been settled in the house for two weeks, still finding his place while learning to accept his new life.

Now, however, the Doctor found his chest was growing tight, and he was finding it hard to stop his mind from spinning, as he looked through all the photos of Shaun, Donna and Rose. It was delightful to see Rose growing up in the photos, thrilling to see the achievements of the family… but it hurt.

It hurt in a way he rarely let himself feel hurt. Every page he turned, there was the smiling face of the best friend he'd lost.

Time was one thing he did have now, but the photos screamed to him – look how much you missed.

Eyes glazed with wetness, completely oblivious to the world around him, the Doctor missed the approaching footsteps.

Shaun appeared, as happy and cheerful as always at the living room door. He didn’t knock, and instead cleared his throat with a smile.

“Supper’s nearly ready – my famous ‘Spaggy Bol’, as the kids call it,” Shaun announced with his very favourite pair of oven mitts slotted on his hands.

“The kids don’t call it that, Dad,” Rose uttered as she passed her father by the living room door, abandoning the game to brave the kitchen. Shaun wasn’t too pressed by the information, focusing on the Doctor once again, despite still hearing Sylvia’s comments about salt from the kitchen.

“Doctor?” Shaun prodded gently – not to hurry the Doctor, but rather to ease him out of this quiet, distracted trance he could sense.

As if only realising he was sat in the middle of a house with other people, the Doctor suddenly acknowledged Shaun, glancing to the door over the top of his glasses.

It was clear the other man had missed his initial announcement, and Shaun smiled. “Supper?”

“Oh,” the Doctor replied, “sorry, yeah, I’ll be through in a tic.”

“No worries, just come through whenever you’re ready,” Shaun assured, and both men shared a quick smile before Shaun disappeared towards the hectic kitchen.

Alone again, the Doctors gaze shifted back to the page of photos on his lap, vision a little blurry. All the distant noise faded around him as his fingers traced over a photo of Donna and Rose, on what seemed to be her first day of secondary school.

How much had he missed? A lot, clearly. Humans did so much growing in such little time.

The heaviness gripping his hearts grew tenfold, as he saw a photo of a very tired looking Donna in a hospital bed, with Rose in her arms.

For her, 15 years had passed… for him, thousands, if not millions. Yet the raw wound of losing Donna sat as fresh as could be. A wound now seeping with sadness over missing so much.

Her life had continued, which was all he’d wanted for her, no matter how much it stung. He could still feel his fingers pressing against her temples as she begged for him to stop all those years ago in the console room of his ship.

Don’t make me go back… Doctor, please! No, please, no… no!

“Brainbox?”

Unlike Shaun’s voice, Donna’s voice cut through the silence like a balloon unexpectedly popping. The Doctor jumped and tensed all in one, the album nearly falling from his lap as he abruptly straightened up.

Thousands of years of being followed, stalked, hunted… Donna saw it all in her best friends’ movements, like that of a rescue dog who took time to settle, but was easily spooked.

“Hey, no need to jump a mile, it’s only me,” she reassured him. The Doctor, a tad embarrassed, rushed to close the book. Donna smiled – even if the Doctor had only been living with them for two weeks, she was so proud of Shaun for quickly picking up on when the Time Lord needed somebody. That was why she was there.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to react like that,” the Doctor clarified, “still getting used to a house, a home, people, rooms… y’know.”

Donna promptly joined the Doctor at the sofa, sitting just beside him while trying to catch a glance at what album he was looking through. Before she could ask, the Doctor was already trying to blurt out an excuse as to why he hadn’t joined them in the kitchen.

“I didn’t mean to keep you all waiting… well, didn’t realise it was… I was just-”

The nervous mumbling made Donna extend out her hand to find the Doctors, gently intertwining their fingers together and squeezing, until he stopped tripping over his words, and grew quiet with a sigh.

He didn’t like being a bumbling mess in front of anyone, but in the past few weeks, he’d found himself doing it more and more. Normally, he had the option to run away, brush off an awkward situation by tinkering with the TARDIS, or ignore a question that required him to express his feelings a little too much.

Now, it wasn’t so easy. He wasn’t in the TARDIS… he was in a living room, a house, surrounded by people.

“It’s okay, there’s no rush,” Donna said, “is this the album Grandad gave you this morning?”

There was a tear on his cheek. Donna didn’t say anything as the Doctor nodded in reply, and she simply squeezed his hand again.

What was bothering him?

Donna reached to lift the cover of the album up, revealing the first page of pictures. Immediately, it was clear which album it was – a family album, one Wilf always kept close by.

“Haven’t looked through this one in a while, myself,” Donna pondered, “I might have to borrow it off you later.”

A silence followed.

It only lasted seconds, because Donna didn’t want the Doctor to suffer in silence any longer.

“What’s wrong, Spaceman?” Donna asked gently. She kept his hand securely in hers, sure she could feel him trembling.

A heavy sigh.

No chance of running away now.

The Doctor took the album and leaned forward to place it gently on the coffee table. Then, he took his glasses from his face with a deep sniff, still oblivious to the tear on his cheek.

“I never really realised how much I missed,” the Doctor said, talking through a lump in his throat, “I know I come and go. I know I don’t often stay in one place for long, and, well, let’s be honest I do jump in and out of everybody’s lives. But all of this is different. You’ve had a child, had a life – and I’m so grateful for that. I just wish I could have been there.”

“Been there for what?” she questioned quietly, shuffling a little closer to the Time Lord.

“Everything… you and your life. Rose being born, watching her growing up… being there for you. I feel the worst friend in the world.”

Donna smiled sadly. “I know,” she replied.

The Doctor turned his gaze to Donna quickly, having not expected an understanding answer. “You do?”

“Yes, I do, Dumbo… you don’t rekindle with an old friend – your best friend, after fifteen years and not think about all the things you’ve missed in their life. It was all I could think about that first night we brought you home.”

“You make me sound like a stray you picked up on the side of the road,” the Doctor sniffed, trying to find some humour. Donna chuckled, but didn’t want the conversation to divert.

She knew her Spaceman a little too well.

“Getting my memories back was brilliant, but the loneliness and pain I felt… knowing you’d been through all of that without me. It hurt me, y’know. But if it makes you feel any better, I’ve experienced so much happiness in all that time, even if I missed you every day. Without knowing what I was missing.”

The Doctor swallowed and opened his mouth to speak – Donna noticed his lower lip wobbling.

“I did what I did all those years ago to keep you safe,” the Doctor continued, “so you could have this life… and somehow, well, selfishly… I’m sad I missed it.”

The Doctor didn’t like to bring up erasing her memories. He saw Donna’s expression change - however, Donna felt no malice or sadness, no anger or regret.

Instead, she was grateful he was talking to her.

“Spaceman, it’s okay,” Donna whispered, letting go of his hand, but only so she could reach up to wipe away the tear still lingering on his stubbly cheek, “as much as it hurt to forget you, I’m so grateful for the life I have now. Shaun, Rose… you.”

The Doctor didn’t realise his hand was reaching up to keep Donna’s on his cheek, closing his eyes as he let the conjured grief seep from his hearts.

“I can never get that time back… I-I can never hold Rose as a baby, see her grow up, w-watch you become a m-mother-”

His voice was breaking. Donna stroked his cheek with her thumb and shushed him ever so motherly. It was hard to keep her own emotion at bay, realising how guilty the Doctor felt for missing out on her life. All those people he knew and travelled with, it was no wonder he held so much guilt.

“Listen - you can be here now, for everything that’s still to come,” Donna assured, as if it were the most exciting prospect – because it was, “all the silly, mundane little days you never got to experience, all the fun days out, the lie-ins, the shopping, watching movies, game nights. We’re doing it now. You’re here, and I’m here. We’re together.”

Something about her reassurance made the Doctor feel instantly better. They weren't apart anymore... they were:

“Together,” he repeated quietly, almost reassuring himself that it was true.

Donna nodded silently.

Yes, he’d missed important life events, missed a lot of Donna’s life, his niece’s life… but he had a chance to be there now, to be part of their lives. Regenerating on that clifftop, he never could have predicted that two weeks later, he’d be where he was now. That was a good thing, Wilf had told him. Life was boring without surprises.

When the Doctor sort of smiled, but was clearly too overwhelmed to say anything, Donna moved her hand from his face and wrapped it around his waist. They’d hugged so many times, but each time still felt like the first.

“Come here, you big dunce,” she encouraged softly when she felt a bit of resistance, but eventually, the Doctor turned his skinny frame around and wrapped his arms around Donna, “if there’s one thing we can make up for from all that time apart, it’s hugs.”

The Doctor closed his eyes and really, truly settled into the embrace. His throat was untightening, and his eyes were a little less glazed. He sighed, but this time, it was nowhere near as heavy.

“I love you,” he uttered, as if it were the most simple phrase in existence. He wanted... no, needed her to know.

It was Donna's turn to feel her barriers breaking. She was glad her face was hidden, as tears formed and the shock of hearing those words settled.

"I love you too, you... big, soft idiot."

Donna rubbed his back with a smile. After a moment, they let go of each other. Donna quickly rushed to wipe the wetness from her eyes and then placed her hands on her knees.

“Right, come on… we have some ‘Spaggy Bol’ to eat. Together.”

“That we do, Donna," the Doctor nodded, the crows feet deepening at the corner of his eyes as he smiled appreciatively at his best friend, "that we do.”

#fourteenth doctor #donna noble #fourteen x donna #doctor who #doctor who fanfiction

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