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thetoolswetook · 5 years

Text

14/5/19

Closed curtains Cold clothes and Old routines I’ve been dancing in your traffic God And The Machine The greatest mistake of my life Was saying goodbye To you I’m cheating on myself with you I’ll be fine Acting like I’m fine All the fucking time I hate myself for thinking the things I never say But ——— it never feels the same Just paint those scars and forget it ever happened If only to make my ghost a martyr A Box Full I spent all my life Learning my lines Only to find I’m stuck with stage fright Heights of heaven / Depths of hell I had a dream that was a different life, Everything else was different But you and I the same Overthinking Day drinking Drugs Or Love Are you going to walk slow for the whole of your life? Burned to death looking for your shade I’ve been Lying Down and Crying All alone Salt drips down my ear lobe How is it fair That I must travel this life Without your infinite light And guidance? If I die to the road I just want you to know I choked on what I loved That’s more than enough

You make me tremble like a loaded gun You make me shiver in the summer sun

Heaven, honey, home

I’m so scared of dying With so much left unsaid

Learning how to fly Try to touch the Sky Always felt so fine Until you got blinded by the light

Icarus

You walked in and damned me Because now I can’t live without you Now I’m just roadkill on your stretch to something better

You give me forever And it scares me to death ---- Passive passion

I’m not who you want

I’m not who you need

Exhausted, by it all

Being on this earth made your soul fragile - I hope you made it out

Bone Music

Lilly white

And if I have to break my heart, to share it with you, I will

When you cross my mind, I beam with pride

Her/Hurt

I bite a chunk of skin off my bottom lip,

For every word I never said, but wished I did

I only often speak about death,

Because I love my family and my friends,

And I’m scared of their lives coming to an end.

So I guess it’s just my way of not being able to forget.

A pedestal to you is a gallows to I.

You’ve given up on yourself

Teach me how to love,

Or fill me up,

With lots of drugs,

Till I am stuffed.

Hopefully that will be enough.

Every time I sing you to sleep,

My troubles subtlely dilate.

You think it’s beautiful, more or less,

But between the cracks in my voice, I’m crying for help.

Though I’m exhausted, I try not to sleep through the days,

Because I hate the thought of you seeing the look on my face, when I’m dreaming of a better place,

And painfully, miserably, I must awake.

I have spent years of my life, feeling guilty,

For being ill behind this white picket fence

But everybody bleeds differently, I’ll use that as my defence.

Whether a disease is noticeably killing you on the outside,

Or it’s just a minor fault of the chemicals inside your mind.

That’s fine. The degree of your suffering is something I cannot define. Still, I hope you’ll heal in time.

I find it hard to shoulder burdens far less heavy than some, and sit awake at night telling them “It’s okay to be numb”, when maybe in your shoes I would simply just crumble - But in the eyes of our issues it’s so important to stay humble.

No matter who you are - Where you are or what you do. We’re similarly different... That much is true.

Our key similarity also holds us apart: The dull numb ache of our beating hearts.

So, now you know; You’re never alone. And in that knowledge, I hope you find hope.

Acid test

Like Home

Hide your ghost in my shadow

Mourning Song

You were there when I was alone, I just need to let you know, every word that I had said I had truly meant. I hope you know

And now I’m as alone, as I’ve always felt

If I could look into your eyes for the rest of my life, or walk the whole entire world with your hand in mine, I would never be ready die.

How I wish I was someone else. Someone far away. -

------

Endure the throes of yesterday

Just to maintain the throne you own today

How am I to know what I have thrown away?

A victory lap, or a funeral parade?

When I fell from the apex of it all

I promised myself

Now I’m sailing on the seas that I used to drown in

Oh what a burden it is

To be blessed with a beating heart

And bludgeoned with a purpose

You are the middle of the compass

But I have to fade away

To find myself again another day

Lured like a sailor to a siren

Man Of Sorrows

Arma Christi

I’ve been watching the binding crack

And the veins pop out your neck

Open the door to find there’s nothing left

Filthy as lard - Guilty as charged

Rain sodden, down trodden - so so sick of the rain

So so sick of the rain

On my parade

Strength in solitude

Wherever you go when you are dead,

I hope it’s somewhere that we can meet again

Tears Of A Clown

How can I find you help

When I can’t even find myself?

A little white cross

A little blue dot

I’ve started stepping on the cracks

What happens when we fall out of love?

I really want to live

To see the look on your face

When it all falls in place

Nuclear Family

B U T T E R F L I E S

Airborne Pheromones

Sweetheart Grip

God’s Eye

As it’s reflection bounces off your face

The end of the world’s such a pretty place

-----------

Let me live forever with you

Lonely Lamb

Married to the way

You bury every day

Ophelia

It pumps in my rib cage

Cold metal

Pressed against my temple

Will I ever find peace

With myself

And the pieces of myself

That I left

Behind

All the happy fat people

Are watching me starve

Our Greatest Glory

We are defined not by how we fall, and who pushes us, but the way we wipe the dirt from our knees and plant the earth back beneath our feet

I’ll never let you know

But it Helped Me Out Of A Hole

I’m ashamed to feel it, but not to talk about it

The last time was cathartic, my friend. I only came back here to give my life meaning again

Let this be my Funeral Portrait (hidden mother)

An empty stomach

A plethora of food

A mouth wide open

No teeth to chew.

We all make mistakes - Don’t let your mistakes make you.

Every laborious lesson learned, I bare to you.

My friend is ill. Where do I begin?

As much as I love to help, I’m sorry that I have to.

Running from my life

For my life

Spite-filled and bitter

Curse me with your

Kiss

We cherished what the sun said

Perished with the sun set

Greek Tragedy

The Inbetween

Colour-Starved

Light of my life - How I miss you so

Melatonin

In between dreams

I Am An Island

I lie in bed at night

And dream of a better life

With my eyes wide open

Every magpie

Must take flight

Nothing left to live for

Nothing left to lose

What’s the time in Texas?

I wrote you this message

I know it’s hard to find the time at the end of every day,

Half the world away

Dear Calamity

When I grow up I want to be something to someone

Making peace with my devils

When I breathe my life down the back of your neck,

What happens next?

No Joy

Morfydd

Two nuns in love

Cognitive Dissonance

Phantom Limb

I sometimes wonder - Am I in your nightmares, or do I just wake you from them?

What once was a burden, is now a blessing

Because forgiving

Is not forgetting

The love that we once willed

The love that we watched wilt

-----

It’s always been a long plight for happiness, or fulfilment. Not sure which one. You have a long time on this earth and the best way is to take things step by step. Assess your surroundings, and move on to the next healthy step. Over time, you soon learn that the constant yearning for more is both healthy and frightening. Of course, it sees you often climbing above those around you, but when do you discover the ladder comes to an end? When the last step suddenly becomes a leap of faith?

So, do we sit on the ground, smug with the knowledge that we’re never going to fall? The gluttony of comfortable complacency? Or is that adrenaline rush we feel as we climb to the top maybe worth the time we spend in limbo, falling back down? The question really is, do we feel the risk of failure is worth the sense of fulfilment? And once you’ve turned that corner, you face the really ugly problem at hand.

Fulfilment is NOT happiness. Your ivory tower is hollow. Your money and your attention can buy you nothing. Was the journey even worth it? Do we climb this ladder through the clouds to see a wasteland? Do we then yearn for that cold, hard ground we once lay upon?

There are more questions you must ask yourself. Would I have spent a lifetime of comfort sat wondering what could have been? And whether this self-sabotage in the name of overthinking was worth it? Or will I spend a lifetime of regret, free-falling from a great height with remorse in my heart, but proud callouses on my hands? And the final question you must ask is - In the long run - Which poisonous decision will be less painful?

-----

It found me when I was young

It sits in the crease of my lung

It keeps me awake with its incessant hum and

It da da da da da

---

Funeral Portraits

Pagliacci

Helped Me Out Of A Hole

Ophelia

Lonely Lamb

In Retrograde

Take Care

Our Greatest Glory

Paradise Lost

In A Birdcage

Blood In The Snow

Pandora

No Teeth

Without Wax (Open Letter)

Burning Bush

Beyond Belief

All.ways

-----

Every laborious lesson learned, I bare to you.

So, I write this letter to you, and everyone else in fact, My hurting heart, without wax. I’ll be the black cloud looking down

Out of your depth

In over your head

The rhythm of life, ebbs and flows

Nobody knows

Another begrudged,

Lap of the sun

It’s the death and the birth. For better or worse.

Sick and tired. Sick of crying.

The side of the bed where you once slept is cold as hell

I am not defined by the illness in my mind

Still got my heart in a birdcage

Those days

Maybe weeks

Maybe months

Made me weak

Give up on me

Like everybody else

Even myself

In your eyes I saw it die. Like it or not - Paradise Lost

And now my body shudders every time I hear your name. I know not of a love like ours; We’re chained.

Was it a magnetic field, or gravity, that brought you back to me?

When you walked in the room, how was I to know,

That we were sat together, like blood in the snow?

Every angels wing is clipped and bent - The devil made me deaf

If I could look into your eyes for the rest of my life, or walk the whole entire world with your hand in mine, I would never be ready die.

Live and die in black and white

Just so you know,

I swallowed every single bow,

That tied me to you

I’m doomed. A pulse-less moon.

Floating to and from, the maelstrom of,

You. A limp harpoon.

Floating from and to, my sibling moon. Begging for guidance.

Leave your dreams alone

“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.”

Pandora

Pagliacci

It’s fine

To sit and cry

Every night

If that’s what you want

Please just be my friend

I haven’t got much else

--------

It really broke my heart when I read you say

“It’s better to burn out than to fade away”.

As much as I respect you, I could never take your advice;

Though I resent it - I cherish my life.

----------

In Glorious Memory Of The Love I Lost

On the outside we’re fine,

We’re just two miserable magpies.

I remember the crack in your voice when you said “I’m leaving”. Just another person that left me behind

This Dream Of Mine (Dramamine?)

I remember it all. The rise. The fall.

I remember it all. The climb. The crawl.

I remember the ————

It’s the death and the birth. For better or worse.

Sick and tired. Sick of crying.

I think I’ve lost my mind. Where has it gone?

I’ve been missing things for so long

I thought you were a magpie, turns out you are a crow. One for sorrow, two for joy. Now I’m all alone.

The Last Letter

To the moment I sleep, from the second I wake, I dwell on my mistakes

But you always cared

I’ve stared at these paper walls for so long

You don’t want to make me well. You just want to know what makes me sick.

Mourning Song / Celebration Song

The side of the bed where you once slept is cold as hell

I am not defined by the illness in my mind

I lie awake at night thinking of all the days I’ve wasted

Still got my heart in a birdcage

Those days

Maybe weeks

Maybe months

Made me weak

All of the pain that we harbour

I wish we were kids in the garden

Not just skeletal targets

Spill my guts

So sick of love

So sick of

I’m

All out of rhyme

All out of rhythm

All out of time

------------- An open letter of sorts - My musings and thoughts.

I pressed your flowers in to my book, so when I miss you I know just where to look.

Whenever I see the tapestry your blessed hands have wove for me - The poetry, the misery, it all meant so so much to me.

Just give me a lobotomy, and cure these things inside of me so maybe I can then be free, to love you for eternity.

But

The side of the bed where you once slept,

Is cold as hell.

The side of the bed where you once slept,

It’s empty now.

I tried to hold your hands, but they were always pushing me,

Towards my hopes and dreams.

If, in another life,

My heart is beating fine,

And love is on my mind,

You’ll be the first in line.

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thetoolswetook · 6 years

Text

21/8/18

In Glorious Memory Of The Love I Lost

Another begrudged, Lap of the sun

On the outside we’re fine, We’re just two miserable magpies.

I remember the crack in your voice when you said “I’m leaving”. Just another person that left me behind

This Dream Of Mine (Dramamine?)

I remember it all. The rise. The fall. I remember it all. The climb. The crawl. I remember the ————

It’s the death and the birth. For better or worse.

Sick and tired. Sick of crying.

I think I’ve lost my mind. Where has it gone? I’ve been missing things for so long

I thought you were a magpie, turns out you are a crow. One for sorrow, two for joy. Now I’m all alone.

The Last Letter

To the moment I sleep, from the second I wake, I dwell on my mistakes

But you always cared

I’ve stared at these paper walls for so long

When I look back on my life, From my deathbed I hope the love of my life, Is someone I haven’t yet met.

You don’t want to make me well. You just want to know what makes me sick.

Mourning Song / Celebration Song

The side of the bed where you once slept is cold as hell

I am not defined by the illness in my mind

I lie awake at night thinking of all the days I’ve wasted

Still got my heart in a birdcage

Those days Maybe weeks Maybe months Made me weak

All of the pain that we harbour I wish we were kids in the garden Not just skeletal targets

Spill my guts So sick of love So sick of

I’m All out of rhyme All out of rhythm All out of time

__________________

I lie awake in bed at night thinking of all the days I’ve wasted All my shortcomings All the things I could’ve done The man I wanted to be The man that I sadly become The time that I spent licking my wounds rather than bettering myself I lie awake in bed at night, every single night

Give up on me Like everybody else Even myself

_____________

I remember the sun and how it I remember how young

I remember it all - The rise, the fall. I remember it all - The climb, the crawl. I remember the way the world fell at our feet, The way you lived your life for me. And how you felt unsure. I remember it all.

I remember the moon

_______________

And now my body shudders every time I hear your name. I know not of a love like ours; We’re chained.

Was it a magnetic field, or gravity, that brought you back to me?

When you walked in the room, how was I to know, That we were sat together, like blood in the snow?

________________

I am alone in how I feel. Until I meet someone who longs for a love they will eventually burn, out of boredom, for the sake of warmth, I always will be. And maybe on that day, we can fall in love with each other. Sit in the dark holding our matches. Eagerly anticipating and dreading the warmth.

________________

Carpe Diem

Seize the day before you seize to a halt and cease to exist. All the things that I’ve seen.

There’s so much beauty and love. Have you had enough? There’s so much poetry to this… Have you had your fix?

We’re a long time dead, my friend.

Have you lived enough? You heart is heavy… Is your soul full of love? I know it’s hard sometimes, but we survive in the eyes and the minds, of the ones we love. Our hearts are buried, while our souls float above. So live your life, while you have life left. Carpe diem; We’re a long time dead.

Was it terminal? Was it external? Were you ready or not? All the different things that lead to our sufferings.

When he takes me with his wings, I shall not feel a thing. On the day that I die, I’ll meet death with delight. The things that I share are the things that I find, and now I am survived in the parables I write.

Ask not about our granted days. For you’ll grow to fear the hands of time and their devastating weight. Ask not about our granted days, And don’t be bitter if heaven won’t let you in.

As you rest your gaze on the yawning abyss; Do you believe there’s more than this?

Have you lived enough? You heart is heavy, is your soul full of love? I know it’s hard sometimes, but we survive in the eyes and the minds, of the ones we love. Our hearts are buried, while our souls float above. So live your life, while you have life left. Carpe diem; We’re a long time dead.

Even the flowers on our graves will rot someday. Though we can’t be saved, our memories remain, when we’re laid to Rest.

___________ It’s safe to say that you are mine. A Songbird To A Morning Sunrise

Every Thorn

Part Of My Love

Nothing But Your Love

_______________

The way we thought. The things you’d seen. They live on inside of me.

Every day I thank god I can sing Every day I sing about you

Let Me Learn To Love You

Bury your head in the sand, as I bury my head in my hands

Live and die in black and white

You keep putting salt in the chip on my shoulder

My little luna, I’m blinded by your reflection

Young and in love, I’m adolescent and sad

Liability / Liar

We sit together like blood in the snow.

Stories From A Pilgrim

Sacred Blue

__________

Just so you know, I swallowed every bow, That tied me to you

___________

Passive passion

I’m not who you want I’m not who you need Exhausted, by it all

Being on this earth made your soul fragile - I hope you made it out

Holding Absence - Bone Music

Lilly white

And if I have to break my heart, to share it with you, I will

When you cross my mind, I beam with pride

Her/Hurt

I bite a chunk of skin off my bottom lip, For every word I never said, but wished I did

I only often speak about death, Because I love my family and my friends, And I’m scared of their lives coming to an end. So I guess it’s just my way of not being able to forget.

A pedestal to you is a gallows to I.

You’ve given up on yourself

Teach me how to love, Or fill me up, With lots of drugs, Till I am stuffed. Hopefully that will be enough.

Every time I sing you to sleep, My troubles subtlely dilate. You think it’s beautiful, more or less, But between the cracks in my voice, I’m crying for help.

Though I’m exhausted, I try not to sleep through the days, Because I hate the thought of you seeing the look on my face, when I’m dreaming of a better place, And painfully, miserably, I must awake.

I have spent years of my life, feeling guilty, For being ill behind this white picket fence But everybody bleeds differently, I’ll use that as my defence. Whether a disease is noticeably killing you on the outside, Or it’s just a minor fault of the chemicals inside your mind. That’s fine. The degree of your suffering is something I cannot define. Still, I hope you’ll heal in time. I find it hard to shoulder burdens far less heavy than some, and sit awake at night telling them “It’s okay to be numb”, when maybe in your shoes I would simply just crumble - But in the eyes of our issues it’s so important to stay humble. No matter who you are - Where you are or what you do. We’re similarly different… That much is true. Our key similarity also holds us apart: The dull numb ache of our beating hearts. So, now you know; You’re never alone. And in that knowledge, I hope you find hope.

Acid test

Like Home

Hide your ghost in my shadow

Mourning Song

You were there when I was alone, I just need to let you know, every word that I had said I had truly meant. I hope you know

And now I’m as alone, as I’ve always felt

If I could look into your eyes for the rest of my life, or walk the whole entire world with your hand in mine, I would never be ready die.

How I wish I was someone else. Someone far away.

_________

The train whistles you below

The Rosemary March

Like an arrow, sewn into a quiver. It’s in my marrow. It’s in my liver.

Helped me out of a hole

I’ve been waiting to hear God’s voice, be it in passing or depth. Maybe I’ll wait forever, because the devil made me deaf.

_________________

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thetoolswetook · 6 years

Text

Be with me always, in any form, shape or way. I’ll let your ghost haunt me every day. It’s so easy to slip into nothing, isn’t it? I’ve been waiting in your wings.

Heaven seemed a hell of a habitat; the angels barely let me leave. I wept for a couple hours... It wasn’t home to me.

I’ve already waited a lifetime, and we’ll walk all the way to the grave. Whatever your soul is made of – Yours and mine are the same.

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thetoolswetook · 7 years

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I once again yearn for my throne -

I can smell it’s tired leather and I can remember it’s calloused warmth.

I’ve been gone too long and whether the noise it makes now is just an age old echo finally catching my ear, or a fresh cry for my attention…

It calls me nonetheless.

As I fell from the apex of it all... I promised myself, and it, that I would endure and persist.

And here I am. Coming back for it.

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thetoolswetook · 7 years

Text

Even a glass half full, becomes a glass half empty in the end - Maybe that’s what’s scaring me to death.

Every bit of warmth that my heart has ever felt, has gone cold in disconnect.

I flinch at light, because of the dark that will someday follow - Maybe that’s why I’m content with feeling hollow.

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thetoolswetook · 7 years

Text

The spark is a flame - I am warm.

Yet, still not content.

I often wonder whether I will only cherish heat for what it truly is, soon after I’ve been burnt to death.

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thetoolswetook · 7 years

Text

I still feel the nag from the yawning void. It tells me “Dread is just a feeling that we can’t avoid”. Apprehensive of the fact that ruin merely rests - Happiness; a villain I’ve neglected to address.

A sad and sordid fact that I’m not willing to accept, every time I sung a song at night was just a cry for help.

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thetoolswetook · 7 years

Text

A Widower

I've never felt my life flash before my eyes, Quite the way it did when I heard you tried to die. I would hang the world, to put it on a plate for you, But we both know days like today. Everything's not enough. I want to see you live. Cling on to what's left. Please, live for me. If not yourself. The walls seem to talk now I know you're not well. The clocks started ticking. Even the earth... I feel it swell. Every little subtlety, starts to make sense. I want to talk of Misery, only in past tense. I look out of the window a couple of times. I can't be a widower the rest of my life. I want to see you live. Cling on to what's left. Please, live for me. If not yourself.

0 notes

thetoolswetook · 7 years

Text

Lately, I've been sleeping too late. Mainly, Even with the the smallest of sparks, you bring light in the dark. Of happiness and closure - I'm starved. Keeping my composure has been so hard. I'll stay with you. In all ways possible. I say to you, "Is always possible?". I used to say we had the rest of our lives - Will you promise you'll be here when I die? Your warmth a feeling I can't recall. Absence doesn't make the heart grow at all. --------- Marigold, my little flower, I didn't plant seeds to grow trees. The sunshine I found in the darkness, Was blossoming you and not me. And after all this time, I know it's hard to believe... But that warms my heart, at the very least. If there's love in my heart, then there's light in the dark. One more moment in the sun Melanin / Melatonin I've never been who I wanted to be, to anyone else but me. The Burden Of Today I Need Colour I can't feel love in my hands, but I need some warmth in my heart. I'm getting close to the fact that we are destined to be apart. Misery is intrinsic to me Every time I pray to god, I always pray for you Lightning without thunder. You & I asunder. (Thunder underwater, lightning __) I hate to say, I'm probably never going to be okay ----- It's safe to say that you are mine. A Songbird To A Morning Sunrise Every Thorn Part Of My Love Nothing But Your Love It's been 2 years, I've had 3 hearts in my hands, but only 1 in mine. "Lately, I've slept too much. I know that. The way we were is all I want. Now that you're gone. In all ways, all ways point to you. My love. Always. --- On the day that I die, Will the sun rise, one last time? Will the ones I left behind, Raise their Here comes the Sun, You are the one, In a Million. On the day that we died, I buried every single piece of us, All the symmetry and Now we're just a monument lost in time, Our heartbeats match in rhythm, not so much in rhyme. Dream Of Me as I dream of you. --- You took me to place where I fell in love so hard, I wished I was dead. It breaks my heart to say, I left you in the dark on the rotting deck. I used to say we had the rest of our lives - Will you be here when I die? Lepidoptera The idea of love, is both frightening, and enticing. Like a moth towards a flame - It's ok to hesitate. I've seen things gather dust, but nothing quite like us. "Now I may be very positive -- yes, yes -- but I also go through deep depressions where I would like to jump out the window, you know. It becomes easier to deal with as I get older; I don't know whether you learn control or, when you grow up, you calm down a little." Poetry in motion. In a world on fire, I'd melt with you Every Thorn We're a long time dead. You & I in love: Nothing but a notion. We were only just Poetry In Motion. St Cecelia. I've given up on all I've loved. I've had enough. When you find love. Dig your fingers. Sink em in. The meaning of life, is love and light, even in spit of the dark. Your Grace. Dove Tristesse -------- On my final day, Let me see my family. Even if I'm gone... Bring them to me. Body's turning black. I am long gone now. They're all flying back. Say your final vows. Donegal. ------ You and I apart. An ocean. You and I collide. Emotion. You and I in love; A Notion. We were nothing but Poetry In Motion ------- We began, just an orchid. "We will bloom through the mud, kid". Timeless - We knew no day and night. You were always just a harmless delight. I blew away like Notus... I fell asleep like a lotus. Our love, divided - Hiatus. But I could never grow to hate us. I was up all hours, "You never bought me any flowers" To me - Acacia ingrained. We drifted farther as it rained. Now, as a Corpse, we carried on. We're nothing more than carrion. Years later, minutes feel like hours - As you wilt away, my wallflower. -------- "I'm tired of the string of days that unwind without a knot or a twist". You owe it to yourself to not owe the world a thing. Benal Aver/Eva Can I break your heart with my bare hands? I dare to dream His hands run through your hair Holding me is hurting you "Like a dandelion up through the pavement - I persist". I'm too weak to walk away. It makes My Life Misery But baby, I kinda wanna be alone. We set ourselves on fire, because we know that we can burn. We hate the fact that oxygen cloaks our skin - And we still can't feel a thing. I can see you in the corner of my eye, I can feel you on the end of my hand. But I can't keep you in my heart of hearts. There's so much happiness and love that waits for me. And whether that's a lie or not, I guess we'll wait and see. I used to convex and now I concave "When I die I'll go to heaven, I've spent my time in hell" "Whether his deeper sleep lie shaded by the shaking Of great wings, and the thoughts that hung the stars, High-pillowed on calm pillows of God’s making," On the day that I die, I'll meet death with delight. I am survived in the parables I write. I am Intrinsic to you. "An apology note". All I wanna see is your dead body, over my dead body. A blackened soul with a heart of gold. Of happiness and closure - I'm starved Try your best to find yourself Funeral perfume Death And Ruin ------- "An Apology Note". Hold me close - My only love. I've never been good enough, For anything or anyone. Watch me as I come undone. You held me together. I'll hold you forever in my heart. "Everything you said to me. Every single silent whisper. Is haunting me so vividly. You left me too soon." I have spoiled over time. Seen. Apology ------- The earth feels hard on my feet. The earth feels heavy on my shoulders. The wind hurts my eyes. My eyes hurt to close. At 4AM the roads still look the same. The earth still hums the same. People sleep the world away. The trees stand still. Innate. I can't live another night. Another sacrificial fight. My hands hurt in the cold. The middle of the road. Where'd the traffic go? ------- Because you know I have a heart, and I know you have one too. "If there is a god, he's not pushing me to see how much love there is in me - He has always known it, just wanted to show me. He would've created me to break me, and would've wanted to show me that he always knew". "The dearest of passing, is nothing but division". "When you yield creation, you can only forecast destruction - Even the book of Christ will tell you so. It is our duty to accept this. At first we can only watch. But inevitably, we must endure". "Misery is everything but stagnant. Every day you manage to escape leads you straight in to a whole new world of the same monotonous rituals you'd just left behind. The question is, am I in a spiral or a circle? And if I'm so lucky as to be spiralling, am I ascending or descending? Will I ever see the end? Or am I cursed to experience this infinite loop forever?" "The exquisite pain divides your attention span to one of two things - The pain itself, and thinking about the pain. Whether you struggle or sit; "The drill still drills on". "Under the spreading chestnut tree, I sold you and you sold me". ------- I swear I've seen your face before, In the shadow of a bedroom door. As daylight breaks we are a different affair. No one but the moonlight knew the time we shared. I never meant, To fall in love with the time we spent. I'm well aware of the company you keep. I'm only here to love you while the sun is fast asleep. ------ Every sleepless night, that I survived You Own My Bones Mistakes are aches, all the same Ruin Even eternal sunshine can blind Why kill time? Keep it alive before you die You, like the moon, only show yourself in the dead of night. I'm done, with the sun, burning me alive. I don't want to die, knowing that I never truly felt alive. I want To Belong. We spiral that stone Die alone, In Your Lovers Arms The sun has gone, the wind is colder again When I die, and I am someone else, and you are someone else, I can love you in the end I don't have the heart to love you any more The fire in your eyes burnt me alive I can be obsessed with you If, in another life, you're mine; I can't wait to die I'm mortal Have you ever felt my hands go limp in yours? Someday, I'll see you again. I hope you're not dead, quite yet PAIN AND PROGRESSION The pain, and the way, I walk away, from the pain Love / Fear - But I'm afraid of falling in love I've hated love for so long, it's made me hate the ones I love Once you find love, holy water falls from the clouds Take your own life, somewhere far away I just want to wake up, breathe love. Die slow - Who knows? Of all the things that I have done, I haven't loved enough. I have no reason to write. I have no reason to cry. Maybe I'm feeling alright? Maybe I finally died. You were the bible to me The sun will set, The sun will rise, in time. You blew away like Notus... Fell asleep like a lotus. Our love, divided - Hiatus. But I could never grow to hate us. Romeo made Juliet, not quite that different from a suffragette. And though Delilah didn't kill Samson, she felt forever in his debt. Our love may not be biblical - Your suffering was stoical. And though you're now alive and well, our sun will never set. You couldn't love her as a lover, and you won't love her as a wife. There's certain truths about lying when you lie about your life. Married/Buried I watch the clock hands go by - Time after time. I think of leaving this place. If I could leave the past behind, Then I would just fade away. Cease to exist. It would cleanse all my pain. It's a shame that I ever lived. Looks like you were special, after all All my love, always... In all ways. All ways lead to you. To Break Your Teeth On Love Joy is nothing but yawning oblivion. Maybe one day, I can love you, forever. You're just a sunflower, that believes it is the sun. I'm living on borrowed time. And I'm having the time of my life. "But I'm living life because I changed my mind. I want to be alive." ------ I touch your hand through pains of glass Life has never felt so good I love the way that we cannot love The open world seems so closed without you I would rather a life in death Than a life without you Every ounce of love, on earth is not enough In my heart, I hold your hand ------- All of my life I had you there to, cherish me and keep me safe and sound. All of your life you had my love to yourself, to guard until the final sunrise. But death came and took, You from me. The scent of your hands on my heart, you still keep me company. 20 years on now, you are long gone. The children always wear your name. I am still sick with grief, The burden of time gives me relief because everyday that closes Only You, knew the truth. It's been a lifetime my love, but it's still Only You. -------- I wish I had someone to spread my hate unto, Other than myself. There's nothing to blame for the way that I am, Except me and my mental health. ------- We either try lighting fires or learn to live in the cold. The hills of heaven. "Saying goodbye before I belonged" The bittersweet exchange of affection for trust, comes only in the form of uncontrollable lust and I can't wait to meet you there. God, send me a godsend The grass is always greener when you live in black & white Bite my nails down to my knuckles I look forward to looking forwards again I still live out of spitefulness to death and courtesy to myself If it means my friends are safe, let there be a heaven I will pray until my hands are red, in hope that all my friends aren't dead. I'll pray that there's a heaven at all but until then, Heaven Knows. As long as I can kiss you all goodbye, before I fucking die ------- When you look at me, do you look back or down? Is it greeted with a smile, or ushered with a frown? There's nothing more to do, there's nothing more to say. "Love will come to you". I'm waiting, every day. It has a certain ring - "Love's a funny thing." It either glimmers in your eye, Or saves your life. Two for joy, One for sorrow. She said I loved you yesterday, But I can't love you tomorrow. "Too little, too late"'s all I'll ever be, I'm just a crooked branch on a willow tree. But when you sleep forever, I hope you dream of me. When the jealous hands of time, wither your insides. In years to come I hope you yearn for me so, Like the homesick caribou must return to the snow. But much like the ocean, you gave and took away. And I worried that I'd drown someday. It's almost, medicinal, The way that, you push and pull If only I could feel your hand in mine, it would make me feel again. ------ In a world where none of us have faced our darkest hour, our destiny's become the biggest nightmares. Endure and persist. Hell is cold & heaven's closed. Sleep well, my love, for the things I've done, I simply can't forget. Sleep tight, my dear, for I fear, I can't flip this on its head. I know I've made mistakes - but I don't deserve the repercussions I have to face. It's hard to say out loud, but I deserve to be happy now. I said that I was doing fine, but what's the point in joy if it can never be mine? You want to want it. You need to need it. Sweet dreams, sleep tight - Let the bed bugs eat me in the dead of night. It's been a, Long road but we're nearly home, I'm coming back to you. Now I've brushed shoulders with death, I fear it with every breath. Of joy and closure - I'm starved. Winners can be losers, if beggars can be choosers. The harder I pray, the more it seems to rain. The world is getting steeper again. It hurts my heart. My head; Bereft of sense. Good company is the greatest medicine. I don't want to stop existing, because people would miss me. I just want to have never existed in the first place. History gets made, every single day. Nothing at all. One simple fact that I came across, all we have in common is mourning, grief and loss. I heard through the grape vine that you fell from a great height. If heaven is a place in your arms, kill me now. I loved, I suffered, Now I hate. Just like the oceans ebbs and flows, your love comes and goes. I dream we can both ache in unison. ------- There's a warmth on my skin that I surely have missed. There's a breath in my ear that I can't wait to hear. The bittersweet exchange of affection for trust, comes only in the form of uncontrollable lust and I can't wait to meet you there. -----

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