thetotalfailure - Tumblr blog

[thetotalfailure]

I guess we’ve been dating for several months now. What a shocker of a year really.

People have been asking me if we have a label or if we’re actually actually dating and well. I want to say yes because we’ve been hanging out at least once a week for months now haha. We just never had the conversation. So much for me saying communication is important to me.

I think he does really really like me. So idk what i’m afraid of if I act like a teenager and ask what we are. Guess it’d be funny.

The ex though. More like ex-communicated. He really did some foolish things that ended up with him not talking to anyone in the group now. New friends or whatever. Hopefully he’s moved on haha.

Things are changing up in my life again and my idiot butt didn’t take any meds so i’ve been feeling extra horrible and stupid lately. Ugh. I’m an idiot. But life goes on…. to stress me out….

and I do really like him… so next time i’ll bring it up

[thetotalfailure]

I've found myself in an interesting spot in my life. Once again, I've found something to distract me. Or... someone. My friend's cute friend that I met over the summer. I mean, I definitely thought he was cute when everybody planned a day trip, but I had a feeling he liked one of my other friends. It was just the things he was doing. I was like, well okay oh well. I figured it wouldn't go anywhere and it'd be awkward to try and do anything to get my friend's friend's attention. So I just delegated him to being my boredom crush/eye candy. Cool dude, but not anyone I'd be close to besides seeing him once in a while when the group gets together.

But my mental health went for a dip in the deep end so I ended up having more free time. Which allowed me to join my friends in meeting up every week. Guess our late night talks caught his attention. Hilarious. It's always the late night talks when I think about it. But I guess that's how it always happens. You get to know someone a bit more.

Been joking about it for months with my other friends who don't know anyone in this group. I didn't expect it to go anywhere at all (see paragraph one).

So here I am. Fooling around with someone. Again. I'm a little afraid it'll make things really weird in the friend group if it ends weirdly. It Already made things weird in the group. Unintentionally. Because my ex got really weird about it during new years.

I think we settled it alright. But I'm still thinking about how I responded and I wonder if I should have done something else. Was I too nice? I don't want to split the friend group up by saying I never want to see him again, meaning we would be invited to different things separately. I'm old enough to not get FOMO, but I think it still stinks.

I kind of wish I was meaner, but that's really like. Negative energy.

I haven't talked to some of my friends individually since last month, so I don't think they know anything except like a vague notion that Something happened. I suppose I'll hang out with them sometime soon so I can get their opinion on how I handled everything. Was I too non-confrontational, like I tend to be avoidant of anything even remotely negative, so was this just an avoidant response or am I just that chill like I say I am.

I am all bark and no bite. Sometimes I do want to be as bitchy of a person as the scenarios I make up in my head when I weigh what I want to do in a situation. It's kind of scary the amount of knowledge you have of a person when you date them, and how much power that can give you when you break up. I could destroy them if I wanted to. But I'm not that kind of person at all. At the end of the day, I don't really want to be in any drama personally.

Cycling back to my current situation, I'm just here to have fun. I'm not sure what exactly I want right now. I think I'm a bit afraid of trying to decide if I want anything like a relationship right now or not. Again I don't want to make things weird in the little group I hang out with right now because I'm greatly enjoying spending my time with them goofing off. I think we're cool enough that if we decided nope right now, it would be okay. I think. I don't think I have a good read on him right now to figure out how he would react though. Will I end up in a weird situation like my ex, or is he more put together that he would know how to handle it. I mean he's had a few more exes than my ex did, so I think he'll be alright.

I mean, if he's down for more I'll go for it haha. Maybe that's what I want, but I'm not pining or infatuated right now. I can go slow or stop.

[thetotalfailure]

i felt so weird the other day. it could've just been the insane amount of caffeine ive been ingesting. combined with a pitiful lack of sleep.

it felt familiar. comforting. in a bad way. like a bad habit i just cant quit. intertwined with some horrific notion that what if im like this forever. what if it isnt just school that sets this off. that ill have moments in my life forever in a perpetual

[thetotalfailure]

i had one friend sympathetically apologize for my family drama and that nearly broke through the humorous shield i have up that prevents me from foregoing all personal morals and going to prison for murder

[thetotalfailure]

no cuz like did i really have slow burn anxiety the past few days over having to do a job by myself tomorrow morning hhhgggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr im putting 70% of the blame on these tinctures i bought, the devil is real and he is an evil thc scientist putting 234234523452352353mg of evil weed into everything

my coworker went over what i should do a few times, i summarized it back, if i got issues i just msg him, ezpz... really my only problem is hauling my ass through the valley to get to the location. ok my problem is social anxiety but i just gotta shift into Professional mode. probably not have caffeine until afterwards

[thetotalfailure]

i dont think i really vibe with jason ross's music these days cuz im kind of into harder bass and "dark"er type of sounds, but it's kinda hitting now that im high and now im considering going to his show. which. well thats the reason im listening to his music right now

like i was listening to his newest album cuz that's the tour he's doing right now and i was like "dude im not really into this genre why do i like jason ross again" cuz its more like. according to google future bassy? that's like san holo and disclosure and hudmo. which i like artists who do future bass but i generally dont like the genre to a point where i would purposefully choose it. (like san holo is the stay positive happy cry songs songs you cry to kind of vibe. everyone remembers that disclosure song that sam smith was in right. i just added hudmo cuz he kind of pioneered future bass and hudmo is cool right now cuz memes. cbat. but he does have banger songs)

but like i realize i actually like his anjunabeats stuff cuz like the label is mostly like trance/trance adjacent nd house type of stuff. maybe not house. dude i dont know genres anymore there's too many music subgenres which like they make sense to me i can tell one edm song is totally different from another but i wouldn't be able to tell you the name of the specific subgenre it is cuz there's too many. like and also there's shit like when people want to change the name of a subgenre or split off or man i love listening to music

but like the other week i had a friend text me asking if i was going to a show that weekend and i was like lol no shows for once. and it was cuz they had a cousin going to a show and i recognized the artist but again. they just kind of assumed because i like going to edm shows but the artist was again like. future bass/future house which i don't really vibe with unless i really like the artist's other stuff.

[thetotalfailure]

maybe im still a little too

to be dating right now

[thetotalfailure]

damn okay i have issues for real

ill try again tomorrow.

i'm seeing people again

well. just one person right now, not sure if i'm the kind of person to date multiple people at once even though i joke about it a lot and people seem to actually think i could/would/currently do that

i think i do like this person. i could see myself casually dating them

i am concerned that i'm just in a part of life that they wouldn't particularly want in dating someone. will bring those up more today so they can decide if they even want to see me for another date

good thing i'm not really attached to them. like i would be pretty sad if it ended up not working out, but it wouldn't be a super huge deal in the end. maybe like a coworker leaving? sad but it's whatever it happens

a little afraid i am using them as a distraction from my issues re: university though. trying not to. i am trying to sell myself as a person who knows what they're doing (but not really)

[thetotalfailure]

im spiraling again

am i an adult or a teenager who needs their hand held to do anything

pathetic

[thetotalfailure]

i wasnt sure what to say to my uncle when he started talkin about his wife cuz i didnt want to accidentally set him off. my sis in law gets teary eyed whenever she brings her up. my brother brings her up once in a while too “ah, mom used to do this when we go camping. she was always prepared for everything”

just thinking about how i wish someone was awake to have hot water ready and. my brother’s mom really did always have water ready 😭 like it would be a guarantee that she would be awake right now at 6am

i want hot water. want tea. even if i did figure out how to turn the stove on, i wouldnt know where the mugs are. if there are any.

[thetotalfailure]

oh my god im going to freaking scream grrwweaaarhhhrrrrhrhrrrr

[thetotalfailure]

throw myself off the golden gate bridge

[thetotalfailure]

you know what he didn't really get music the way i do

different wavelengths you know

i dont mean making music i dont think i have the type of umph to do anything like that

music can evoke emotions

feel like im something else for a while

maybe thats why i like going to shows so much

just the beat

no outside world to worry about

[thetotalfailure]

very cool to break up with him

im sure he cared but it wasnt enough

his actions didnt feel enough

i didnt feel wanted enough

stupid fuck up

i want him to feel horrible about this for months

but he's always been a bit more stable than me, so he'll probably be fine

(but if he was more stable than me, then maybe we wouldnt have broken up? lol)

i want to see him hurting. i dont know why. i wasnt heartbroken but i am a bit upset

but havent i been wanting to break up with him for months now? lol

i got issues

and im behind in all my classes

the issue i had with him might not even be an issue if i dont even graduate lmfao

so i want him to hurt more than how much my workload is stressing me out.

its toxic so i dont act on anything like that

but it feels kind of good to imagine it anyway. its so easy to create emotional turmoil...

[thetotalfailure]

gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh im so tired man

[thetotalfailure]

im not trash

but i certainly feel like it

i havent journaled or blogged in months

i feel sad about that tbh, not that i would really go back and read through, but i bought a journal specifically because i thought i would fill it out by the end of the year

i suppose i could just do what i used to do back in high school and just write as much of the year as i can remember in the span of a few days

like a weird vent

i hate being a sentimental bitch sometimes.

and

ive been stressed out the past week over how little. motivation isnt really a good word anymore i think. neither discipline. just. energy? no energy to work on my classwork

i can’t just stop judging myself i guess. everyone says be nicer to yourself but. that’s hard. almost like my brain is hardwired to do that

but at least i finally got a prescription. which im. afraid? worried? something. im something about it

i wanted to write more but i lost steam and what little energy i had. back to doomscrolling

[thetotalfailure]

i dont feel good i dont i dont

im sad and upset and stressed and unhappy and i dont know what to do about any of it just loops on and on threaded together and suffocating me i dont want this