theunstuffedpepper

[theunstuffedpepper]

Happy freaking birthday @kricketsays ! 🥰😍

Favorite birthday surprise - @theunstuffedpepper ! 🥰🥰🥰🥰 I have missed my girl!

[theunstuffedpepper]

And because I couldn’t cram them into my last post, you get another post dedicated to my great obsession.

Birds.

From top to bottom…

Red bellied woodpecker

Northern rough-winged swallows

Great blue heron

Common yellowthroat

Common grackle

House finches (male & female)

[theunstuffedpepper]

We’ve been living it up over here! We’ve been home for several weeks and have been trying to enjoy it - spending time outside, grilling, playing. B and I have still been working 2ish days a week each. Somehow both our employers are still super understanding and are okay with that. It’s what we can manage for now.

Being home with both the kids for Mother’s Day wasn’t something I was anticipating but it was beyond wonderful. We had a nice, normal day as a family. We hit the farmers market, lunch, and ice cream, and then spend the afternoon playing in the yard and grilling for dinner. Perfect. B and I even got to go out to dinner just the two of us the night before. We checked out this authentic Mexican restaurant and inn. It was incredible. Best churros of my life. Oh, and I taught myself how to do embroidery? I made that little thing for my mom in whatever down time I’ve managed to find. It was really fun & relaxing. I think I’m gonna try and make something for Holden to hang in his room.

Last night I ran a 5k with my niece — she is a part of an organization called Girls on the Run and they trained for a 5k which took place last night. She was going to run it with my brother, but he’s been having a health situation also, and couldn’t do it. I was so excited she asked me to go. We got rained on, and we got muddy, and it was amazing.

Tomorrow brings a new chapter in Derrick’s treatment: radiation. B and I painstakingly considered every single option, from no radiation to whole brain radiation. We considered two opinions from both our primary care team and a team at MSKCC, a very highly renowned cancer center in Manhattan. After a lot of discussion, thoughtful consideration, and many tears, we landed on a decision. So Derrick will be getting two weeks of targeted photon radiation to his inner auditory canal — this approach should minimize chance of relapse from the one remaining mass in his auditory canal while sparing him from some likely devastating cognitive side effects that radiation to his brain would bring.

Radiation over the next two weeks will be once a day from Monday - Friday. We will have to drive to the hospital every morning (2 hours each way) and he will go under anesthesia every morning. We considered staying at the Ronald McDonald house during our outpatient radiation treatment but with sleep being so precious, it will probably be best for Derrick and us to sleep in our own beds. We will see. Keeping fingers crossed that we’ve made the right call and that he won’t have awful side effects. It’s low dose. But it’s radiation. Scary.

After the 2 weeks of radiation, we will go back to the hospital for inpatient admitting on/around June 2 for transplant prep. Actual transplant day will be June 9 or 10. It’s going to be a long journey, and probably a difficult one, but it’s his best shot at long term health and remission. There’s nothing we won’t do for this little guy.

A belated happy Mother’s Day to all the incredible moms I’ve met through this silly site. You all inspire me daily. Whether you’re a mom or not, I’ve met some awesome women here. You are important to me. 💕

[theunstuffedpepper]

A few more cuties from the neighborhood 🐦‍⬛

We’re HOME again. The countdown to stem cell transplant is on. Should be within the next month. For now, we’re home and should be for a few weeks. It feels good. It’s a nice time of year to have extended time at home.

Four months ago, I didn’t think we would have these moments. 💛

[theunstuffedpepper]

Think these pants will scare away the birds? 😅

Northern Cardinal

Tufted titmouse

Cooper’s hawk

Brown thrasher

Grey catbird

& some friendly neighborhood deer 🦌 ♥️

[theunstuffedpepper]

It was a very non-traditional Easter for us. Typically we would spend it with my parents and brother + my MIL. This year, we didn’t even know if we would be home for Easter weekend until Thursday night, so we didn’t make any plans. It ended up being nice though and it felt fitting for where we are in our lives right now.

The kids woke up super early and were getting into their Easter baskets by 6am. (I was thanking my previous self for putting together the baskets in early March when I had the time because it required literally no thought this weekend). After basket opening, I went out birding for a little while. B had gotten the opportunity to go shooting for a day or two recently but I haven’t done anything solo, so I made sure to ask for some time yesterday morning. It was a great morning — my first spot didn’t pan out, but I saw 16 species at my second spot including 3 lifers: white-throated sparrow, tree swallow, and pine warbler. I also spotted a few northern flickers and a yellow-bellied sapsucker. Gotta love a weird little woodpecker.

I grabbed some groceries on my way home from birding and the rest of the day we spent family time together. B even took the kids for a neighborhood wagon ride and to play at the neighbors house for a bit. I used the time to get a shower and do some cleaning that very desperately needed to be done. Coming home to live in a dirty house that gets dirtier while you’re not living there is a really frustrating thing, so it felt especially good to get things tidied up.

My MIL ended up popping over for dinner and to bring baskets for the boys. We did a smoked turkey breast on the grill with roasted potatoes, green beans, carrots, and the obligatory buttered noodles for the kiddos. By the time dessert rolled around, we had decided Holden was going to implode if we gave him any more sugar. We decided to save the fruit tart for another day. 😅

A quiet Easter was just right this year. No big fuss. No worries about cooking or cleaning for anyone else but our little unit. It’s been sweet to stay in the moment and try to enjoy every second we get together. I hope you all had a happy Easter as well, whatever that looks like. 😘

[theunstuffedpepper]

We’re all at home together. We got discharged Thursday night and we expect to be home for about a week, if not a bit longer. Feels like the lull before the storm, I suppose because it is.

When we go back, we will start the final stages of treatment: possible radiation and then finally the stem cell transplant. It’s been a long time coming and we’ve got a lot of recovery still to go, but it’s good to be nearing transplant time.

Until then, we’re going to be spending lots of quality time together at home. Some sunny days this week will mean trips to the playground and wagon rides through the neighborhood. B and I are each only working one day this week and taking the rest off to spend time together.

Oh, and possibly most shocking of all, we got home this time and Derrick just… slept in his crib. Just fine. All night long. He’s slept in his crib without much of a fight three nights in a row and I cannot overstate how incredible it feels to be able to sit together with my husband, without any kids, and just talk and spend time together. It’s been four months since we’ve had that.

[theunstuffedpepper]

Thanks to @4cloverleaves for the tag to post 6 pics that aren’t selfies! I almost forgot. Let’s see..

I’ll pass the tag along to @beenjen @mariana-runs @kricketsays @katiegirlwanders @thepitterpatteroflittlefeet

[theunstuffedpepper]

Rocking the Smokey look during todays run 🤘🏻

I got back into running strictly for the mental health benefits and that still why I’m doing it, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t starting to get curious about whether I’m getting a little bit faster. Which.. I am. Though I’m still quite slow, it feels fast? Whatever.. it feels good, so I’m gonna keep doing it. The average pace that my watch records is obviously a combination of walking and running including warmup and cooldown, but I think my actual running (jogging) pace is about 12 min/mi. Slow and steady wins the race.

I’m starting to become very fond of the hospital campus, oddly enough. It’s also a medical college campus and something about running around all the college administration buildings and dorms brings me back to my own college days. It’s nice. This is a really pretty campus, and it’s only going to get prettier as spring continues to arrive. Plus, birds. ✌🏻

[theunstuffedpepper]

Moments with my little man, the bravest boy.

[theunstuffedpepper]

I’m a bit angry today. These days are in the minority, thankfully. I don’t spend a lot of my time feeling angry, though I’m acutely aware that if I did, it’d be understandable. I try to stay grounded in gratitude, which honestly is pretty easy.

SIL recorded an interview with someone where she was asked about Derrick and his diagnosis. Talked about how hard it is… for her and my BIL.

MIL is really off the deep end with some shit she’s saying to her other son, my BIL. Doesn’t bode well for her overall state of mind but unfortunately we need her for Holden’s weekday care. With him at least, she seems even keel. Keeping a close eye.

Holden’s off to his friends 5th bday party today. MIL is taking him so B can get some much needed down time for himself. Even a few hours helps. In my mind though, I can already hear my MIL airing everything she knows about my family to all the other parents at the bday party. Everybody wants the attention I guess, huh?

Meanwhile here we are, riding out the tail end of chemo round 3 count recovery. Next week should bring a recovered immune system and hopefully some information about how he’s responded, which will influence next steps.

It’s been a while since my last update, such is life. We’re ok. One foot in front of the other and trying to seize the good moments, of which there have been plenty.

[theunstuffedpepper]

Got out this morning for a… RUN?! Who dis??! Mind you, my second split involved walking coffee over to the hospital for B, so it was more run-esque. Regardless, I’m happy with that. I haven’t really worked out in any capacity since Derrick was diagnosed. Hell, even before then as I was losing weight and working toward greater health, I was majority walking. I didn’t even know if I COULD run or would enjoy it. I was really pleasantly surprised to see how light my body felt. I started running and then I just… kept running. Could this be something I actually enjoy? Gasp. Perhaps. As the weather gets less frosty, this will definitely be something I explore not just for physical health but for mental health, most importantly.

I’m fully leaning into my addiction to caffeine and sugar lately. I don’t really care to limit either of those things. I’m still sober from alcohol for 7 months now, and so bring on the coffee and cookies. I’ll figure out how to wean off those things when I’m not living in a hospital. Cookies are good for the soul.

Everything else feels like too much to type. Derrick is about to undergo testing to reveal how he has fared during chemo round two. The results of this feel monumentally impactful and I’m stressed about it. Hence the run. He’s been in a good mood lately though, as you can see in the photos. We’re trying to soak that in and not take it for granted. At the end of the day, he will likely need some sort of additional therapy before transplant, and we’re along for the ride as his medical team figures it out.

The state of the country saddens me deeply. It’s troubling. Too, though, I have so much stress and trauma happening to me acutely and at my immediate family level that I don’t have the capacity to be up in arms about things at a national level. I know there are passionate people who are able to be fighting the good fight as far as those issues go, though, and I applaud them.

Just keep swimming. Spring will be here soon.

[theunstuffedpepper]

It’s been a slog. Very high stress getting through the second round of chemo recovery. Derrick actually fared better the second time through - he’s eating better and didn’t stop talking like he did the first time. Still though, I think I’m more fried, so I didn’t fare as well. His counts are recovering, though, and knowing and seeing that he feels better is giving me a lot of peace.

Next steps have yet to be determined, though I’m hopeful we can all go home again at least for a few days at the end of next week. Things are looking up.

Holden is great; he was dealing with a stomach bug and a bump to the nose from falling on the ice. It’s been awfully cold and icy here. Other than that though he’s excelling with school and his spirits are high. Tonight I’ll get to see him again.. looking forward to that. Mostly though I can’t wait until we can all be home in a more permanent capacity. I’m not built to only see 1 of my kids at a time. It’ll be great when we can be in the house all together for extended time. I tell you this: there are so, so, so many things I will never take for granted again. So many little things.

Here’s to the little pleasures in life.

[theunstuffedpepper]

Home for the weekend.

Derrick’s immune system recovered enough from the first chemo induction, and he was stable enough, that the doctors allowed him to be discharged and come home for the weekend. What a gift. It’s been very bittersweet — getting to see him comfortable and happy, playing and snacking, fooling around with his big brother here at home has been really wonderful. Too though, we know there are some major hurdles to clear before the next time he will be able to be home.

We go back to the hospital tomorrow for readmitting and chemo induction 2 begins Wednesday. After he recovers from that, then we will do more blood and bone marrow tests, which will confirm the path forward. Likely we will move on to the stem cell transplant, which is about a year long journey, at least 2-3 months of which will be spent inpatient at the hospital. The next time he will be home with us will be in the summer, if all goes well.

We have felt the love and well wishes coming to us from every corner of our lives and I’m endlessly grateful for that. This is all I’ve been able to think about; the state of this country is absolutely horrifying but I hardly have time to think about any of it these days. Probably for the best.

I’m sitting here trying to update on “the rest” of what’s been going on and I’m coming up blank. Holden is doing well with school still - my MIL has been caring for him during the school week to keep him home and in the normal routine while B and I are at the hospital and Ronald McDonald house. I’ve all but disappeared; I’m finding it easier to eat more lately but I know another round of chemo will be starting and I find it so challenging to eat much of anything in the hospital with Derrick while he’s going through it, especially when he’s unable to be mobile or keep food down himself. I feel weak physically, prone to a lot of dizzy spells especially upon standing. I’m doing my best to take care of myself. It’s what it is, and frankly I will be fine. What matters is that Derrick will be too. I feel strong mentally and emotionally, so that’s something.

Today I’m getting some work in before heading back to the hospital tomorrow. Work has been nothing short of amazingly flexible and understanding. I am endlessly grateful for my boss and my company. They have shown up for me in ways I couldn’t have imagined.

Bright spots among the darkness. Celebrating the wins, big and small.

We can do hard things.

[theunstuffedpepper]

My good buddy @beenjen has inspired me to give audiobooks a shot now that I’m spending a lot of time in the hospital with a sleeping baby & could seriously use the distractions. She gave me a few great recommendations, but —

Avid reader friends, hit me with some book recommendations if you feel so inclined!! Nothing tragic/too sad — definitely looking to keep it light/cute/uplifting. Murder books are good too, somehow?, but just not involving little ones. 🙏🏻😘😘

[theunstuffedpepper]

New Year’s Eve. We’re not typically people that celebrate NYE, or at least we haven’t in a long time.. probably at least 5-7 years ago now. While I’d love to be home having an 8pm ball drop celebration with the kids and toasting with some sparkling grape juice, that’s not our journey right now, and that’s ok. I’ll be with Derrick in the hospital tonight and B will be with Holden next door at the Ronald McDonald house. We’ll all be right where we need to be.

Two weeks ago today, we brought D to the ER. We’ve been processing a ton of information over these last two weeks. It’s weighing heavy on my spirit. Derrick is responding well to the chemo but it’s going to be a long road ahead. We got some unfavorable genetic results back yesterday; it’s what I expected to hear, but the last thing I wanted to hear. Still, it doesn’t take away from the fact that he’s eating and playing some and responding well to treatment. We can’t get too ahead of ourselves. One day at a time is the name of the game now. Derrick is an absolute trooper and such a brave boy. He inspires me daily.

I keep asking myself and the spiritual world around me, why? How is Holden so healthy and Derrick so sick? None of it makes any sense.

B and I are using this week when Holden is off of school for winter break to all stay at the hospital/ronald mcdonald house and alternate days with Holden and Derrick. Yesterday I spent out with Holden at the zoo. So wonderful. Today I will be laying low with D. A quiet New Year’s Eve.

This year has brought some extreme highs and lows. We watched Holden play his first seasons of tee ball and soccer and start his first year of pre-k. We celebrated big milestones with Derrick like eating solids, crawling, walking, and of course his 1st birthday. I got (California) sober. We took countless day trips with the kids to zoos, farms, parks, playgrounds, fairs, and festivals. I can happily say that when things have been good, I’ve been acutely aware of it and grateful for it. I look back at the high points and know that I was fully in them, never having taken them for granted. We’ve gotten through these low points together and we will continue to. I need to believe that one year from today, we will all four of us be home together, reflecting on how far we’ve come and cheers-ing with sparkling grape juice.

Happy 2025, dear friends.

[theunstuffedpepper]

Merry Christmas, pocket fam ❤️🎄

Bittersweet not to have the whole family here at home together, but we are heartened by the love & support surrounding us. Most importantly, we have had two good days in a row with Derrick now, and that feels amazing. With hope comes an element of fear also, but we’re trying to focus on the good.

I hope you all feel the warmth and spirit of the season today.