thevelocityraptor

[thevelocityraptor]

the concept of the "shower beer" appears in folklore and mythology from around the world

[thevelocityraptor]

The idea of ‘Feral Scientist’ is just so Fucking Funny to me, like ‘i just found this dude on the side of the road muttering about quantum physics is it rabid’ like thats just any scientist 

[thevelocityraptor]

a quick step by step guide on what to do if you come back to your apartment and find yourself locked out because your front door is frozen shut

kick the bottom of the door for 10 minutes

text your landlord

remember your landlord is on vacation and also in her mid 50′s so it takes about 36 hours to receive a response

briefly wonder why the fuck you moved the canada

remember that college tuition is significantly cheaper here than in the united states 

look up and notice your cat is at the window, staring at you. he paws at the window lightly and meows. it’s devastating. his eyes are so big and imploring. decide that you have to get inside your apartment at all costs. not even god himself can stop you from feeding your cat his chicken wet food dinner. frida kahlo herself could descend from the heavens and ask “hey you wanna bang?” and you’d say “hell yeah but first let me open this door so i can feed my cat his dinner”

remember there is a starbucks 3 blocks down the street from you

enter. the barista gives you a weird look for entering a starbucks at 7pm on a tuesday

order a venti cup of hot water. you order in french because the barista just said “bonjour” instead of “bonjour, hi.” you have a strong american accent. you hit the r in merci a little too hard to compensate. you embarrass yourself.

exit the starbucks clutching the massive cup of hot water in your hands. it’s burning your fingers.

return. methodically pour the starbucks cup of water all over the the door frame. it begins moving a little but still wont open

back up

ensure your doc martens are properly gripping the sheet of ice covering the ground. many people have told you to stop wearing doc martens in the winter, despite your protests that theyre actually the ideal winter boot. also, you’re a lesbian and punk’s not dead

release a pterodactyl screech and sprint towards the door, slamming the full force of your pathetically tiny 5′2″ 110lb body into it

you dont know any of your neighbors so you dont care about maintaining your pride anyways

the door swings open

run up the stairs

open the actual door to your apartment and yell MOMMY’S HOME MY LITTLE BITCHASS BABY BOY DONT WORRY at your cat

cat flings his body to the ground and starts purring like he does every time you come home

write tumblr post

[thevelocityraptor]

tbis is eternally in my top 5 favorite images

[thevelocityraptor]

Date a girl who is the new kid in the kelp forest

[thevelocityraptor]

[thevelocityraptor]

Stickin ur feet in a river is cleansing. You just roll up your pant legs and step into the stream. Bam. You’re a new man.

[thevelocityraptor]

[thevelocityraptor]

me: *is bored for 0.5 seconds*

me: i wanna learn how to work wood. i need to build a boat

[thevelocityraptor]

Mutuals let me smell you with my antennas

[thevelocityraptor]

me, gay and running out of breath going up the stairs: I bet I could run a farm

[thevelocityraptor]

Hedonism as a concept is so dope and yall gotta unbrainwash your religious upbringing nostalgia and realize that life IS about kicking back and eating grapes around a fire in nothing but a swim suit and drinking margaritas. A little hedonism never hurt nobody

[thevelocityraptor]

Off The Shits pride flag! For when you’re completely off the shits!

The Deep Plum stands for going absolutely hog wild at all times

The Red stands for an insatiable blood lust

The Yellowish Green stands for being a fucking menace with no critical thinking skills

[thevelocityraptor]

Oh to be moss…….soggy and living on an old log…………………

[thevelocityraptor]

i’m not lying on the floor physically but i am lying on the floor spiritually

[thevelocityraptor]

Me, a disgraced academic turned farmer, surveying my crops: Finally… I am out standing in my field

[thevelocityraptor]