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Loneliness at the grocery store

The grocery store was more crowded than usual on Saturday evening. I was craving for spicy black bean noodles, so I got up went outside into the fresh windy night and when across the road to the supermarket. I heard a familiar German sentence, but I did not really understand it.

Ist das eine… the last one I didn’t get.

 It was a german Family of three, one adult son and an older couple. Immediately the loneliness turns its head and stares at me.

I suddenly wonder why they’re so far away from home and why they would be here in the first place, when where they come from is where I always long to be.

For a split second  - I thought of striking up a conversation in German that I learned from Duolingo(Hallo! Ich bin sehr allein), just to quell the uneasy feeling of living in a world where I was not known or perceived. Because , if I am not perceived by this German family, how else will the world know I exist? The loneliness is staring at me, staring at the German couple.

I don’t always see these people, and when I do, it’s in the rare occurrence that I bump into them in the supermarket, at night when I’m hungry, and then never again. And never again will I see these people. My longing to know random people …  is the reason the loneliness stepped out of the shadows to greet me tonight.

And then afterwards once I’m done, petting the black neighbourhood cat, I resigned to my original state in front of the MacBook, trying to fill the void by learning some foreign language, or American Sign Language, and then turn off the lights, take a pill of melatonin, and sleep. I do not resign to my fate nor am I denying it. Loneliness is probably just living in Singapore, where everything is just a bubble until it pops but only when you step out of your house and enter Sheng Siong.

I also figured that I might not actually be only lonely, I am also just the happiest when my presence is known and appreciated, desired, wanted, missed.

The opposite of loneliness is when someone laughs at your joke, asks what you’d like for dinner and suggests we’d get it together, or when something awkward happens and we share a glance at exactly the right time.

The exact opposite of loneliness is the act of being noticed.

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Loneliness in the rush hour bus home

Loneliness in the rush hour bus home

Legs propped up on the last seat of the double decker 

Air cond at full blast, shivering

Watching the tired men sit

Wondering what it would be like

To sit next to them, head on their arm, sharing warmth

Feeling their hair thru my fingers

Wondering if they have someone waiting at home,

Wondering if they ever felt the crushing depths of loneliness.

Wondering what they do for a living, if they love it, and  if it’s enough.

Wondering if for once I should just be reckless, 

Scribble my number on a post it and hand it to them

In an attempt to silence the crying rage in my heart every 6pm after work.

Will it always be like this on Friday evenings?

Me going home straight at the prime age of 23.

Aren’t I supposed to be taking pics so my granddaughters can fawn over me?

The only time I see other people is on the bus going home.

Where are the communities, the villages we used to go home to?

Everything is so contained, so compartmentalised, so individualistic.

How do I get people to love me enough they want me in their lives and not simply tolerate me?

This loneliness has followed me forever since I was 13.

10 years later and I am still with her.

If I died and you are reading this know that I am lonely, and even in my death I was alone. 

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like if you save or @captiveprnce.

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drive (halsey) x thiam moodboard.

your laugh echoes down the highway, carves into my hollow chest, spreads over the emptiness

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Nikita Gill, from “Great Goddesses: Life Lessons from Myths & Monsters,”

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The signs as Mystery anime

Aries: Serial Experiments Lain

Taurus: Bungou Stray Dogs 

Gemini: Kamisama no Memochou

Cancer: Ajin

Leo: Death Parade 

Virgo: xxxHOLiC

Libra: Ergo Proxy

Scorpio: Baccano!

Sagittarius: Mushishi

Capricorn: Durarara!!

Aquarius: Another 

Pisces: Ghost Hound 

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mr. snuggles like opening his mouth when he smells things

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Stand By Me (1986) dir. Rob Reiner

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lana del rey packs >.<

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xx. ♡

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🌴

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my empty heart