thewritingsofdc

[thewritingsofdc]

I’ve never been so unhappy in my life and for once, it’s not about you.

[thewritingsofdc]

And there you were. Standing right in front of me, just how I’d imagined it for months. I walked right past you.

I could perhaps blame it on my drunken state, say everything was blurry but in all honesty I’d never seen anyone clearer. I walked right past you.

There went my chance of seeing you again, there went my chance of getting you to see me again but I think, subconsciously, I didn’t really want to see you at all. I walked right past you

- My subconscious was long done it seems

[thewritingsofdc]

I turn to you when I’m lonely or out of sorts, not because I need you or because I love you but because you are familiar and I find great comfort in that.

-d.c.

[thewritingsofdc]

“You’re a bitch.” Is not the worst thing to ever be told, but when it comes from your mother it may as well be a knife to your gut.

- the most painful thing I’ve been told

[thewritingsofdc]

- 22:46

[thewritingsofdc]

It was like falling from a ten story building, hitting solid concrete and then being expected to get up and say, “I’m all good.”

You didn’t catch me.

- Why didn’t you catch me?

[thewritingsofdc]

I have so many things that I want to do in my life, that I need to do. I can only hope that I stumble across love somewhere along the way.

- what are we going to do with all this future ?

[thewritingsofdc]

“Do you regret telling him everything that you did?” My friend asks, almost subconsciously leaning closer as if she won’t catch my answer.

I laugh, ”Well I mean, I don’t remember half of what I told him.”

I tear my gaze away from her worried expression and look out the window, to the setting sun and the pink hues of the sky, mesmerized by the world. I look back towards her and sigh, ”No, I don’t regret one word I told him. Life is too short to not tell the people that mean something to you that you love them. That’s not me. I don’t do well with holding that shit in, it fucks me up inside out.”

I take a deep breath, looking at my hands, ”People deserve to know that they are loved.”

- before it’s too late

[thewritingsofdc]

I wanted to apologize, for what I said that night, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I may not remember everything that I said to you, but I am almost certain that I meant absolutely every word.

Everything that I had ever thought about you over the last four years, I most likely told you, and more I can imagine, but that’s okay.

Because since that night I’ve felt as if a load, I didn’t even know I was carrying, had been lifted.

And one day, when my kid is crying over their first heartbreak, I’ll tell them about you.

And I will be forever grateful for you, for teaching me to love myself first before ever loving anyone else.

- lighter always

[thewritingsofdc]

I found out today that, in my drunken state, I told you that you were my soulmate. You’d think I would remember telling someone something so monumental.

I’m not sure why I felt compelled to tell you that, hell, why I felt I needed you to know any of the gibberish that spewed out of my mouth that night. I suppose that’s alcohol for you.

I’d like to offer up an explaination to you; I believed for the longest time that you were infact my “soulmate”. I believed you were meant to be in my life in whatever shape or form you were willing to come in.

I understand that that was stupid now. Despite everything I’ve told myself to convince my heart that you were it, I’m kind of glad you’re not. You would’ve wrecked me completely.

- I wouldn’t have been able to spend my life with someone who was so emotionally unavailable anyways.

[thewritingsofdc]

Dear Gut,

Thank you for always looking out for me. There hasn’t been a moment when you’ve been wrong. I’m sorry I don’t listen to you all the time. I’m trying to be better.

Dear Brain,

I’m sorry that I’m too lazy to stimulate you fully. I’m sorry that I procrastinate consistently. I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to reach your full potential because of my own laziness. I’m sorry that I ignore your common sense and logic all the time, Heart sways me more often than not. I’m sorry that I constantly let you down because I didn’t work hard enough. I’m trying to be better.

Dear Heart,

I’m sorry that I let him invade your sacred inner space for so long, he has cut into every wall, leaving you hanging in threads with so many battle wounds, but still you’re doing your best. Thank you for keeping me humble and hopeful in the face of adversity. I’m terribly sorry that I wrecked you for someone who didn’t care much about your state. I’m trying to be better.

Dear Body,

I’m sorry I stopped exercising for so long. I’m sorry that I hate you, I can’t help it. I’m sorry that I don’t appreciate the fact that you work 24 hours a day 365 days a year for me and all I do to repay you is drape you in hoodies and stuff you with junk food. You are a true machine. I’m trying to be better.

Dear Soul,

Perhaps the biggest apology of all should go to you, I’ve dragged you through mud, cement, even hell. I drape all of my emotional baggage over you, unfairly. Every heartbreak, failure and triumph I put myself through makes you all the wiser. Thank you for making me look more closely at the meaning of life, for making me more than skin deep. Thank you for being the strongest part of me. You make me better.

-I’m trying to be better, I will be better, for all of you.

[thewritingsofdc]

You always told me you loved my eyes, but I think, looking back on it, you loved the way I looked at you rather.

- how incredibly selfish

[thewritingsofdc]

[thewritingsofdc]

I don’t have any safe spaces anymore. I’ve let you see into every single crack and crevice under my ever crumbling facade.

- I suppose I’ll just get used to the fact that you’ve seen more of me than I ever wanted you to.

[thewritingsofdc]

To the boy with the plain brown eyes that I saw galaxies in:

I hope that life rewards you with everything you deserve, because you deserve the world and so much more.

I hope you are able to find someone who loves you as much as I did and more than she ever could.

I hope you can open up to her in ways you could never open up to me or the people closest to you. I know you need it- let her in.

I hope she can help you through your rough patches in life and beam with pride at your achievements, as I would’ve.

I hope you can travel and experience the planet and all it has to offer us, I hope your eyes glisten with stories and your heart beams with hope.

I hope you think of me every once in a while, of what we had, of what we denied, of what we could’ve had.

And lastly, I hope that I am out there in this great big, little world, living my life extraordinarily, perhaps thinking of you every once in a while too.

- I don’t know what next year brings but here’s to our future, apart.

[thewritingsofdc]

There’s gonna be a boy one day. He is going to love me with his whole soul. And I won’t be able to return the feeling. I can’t return the feeling. Because you fucked me up so bad.

You fucked me up beyond. You made me feel like no one else was ever going to care about me, because you didn’t. You made me feel as though I was the only one who could give love and not be able to receive it in return, because that’s how you and I worked.

And I’m gonna have to tell this boy, who could’ve been my world, that I simply can’t return what he deserves.

- an explanation for the boy I won’t be able to love back

[thewritingsofdc]

I can’t do this anymore.

I can’t have you start conversations with me that you never intend to finish.

I can’t have you come into my life whenever you feel like it.

I can’t let you tell me that you care about me when I don’t think you were ever really sure to begin with.

It’s fucking with my head and I can’t do this anymore.

- You’re just toxic for me