theycallmekhan - Tumblr blog

[theycallmekhan]

Isn't the brutal murder of innocents considered genocide? Like, that's really unethical of you Genghis, and are you sure that your parents would want you pillaging everyone who isn't Mongolian?

Hey there Anonymous! Thanks for your feedback, although I don’t think you completely understand how my parents raised me. More specifically, how my mom raised me. She raised me to be a warrior, and I’m proud to say that I have met her expectations! Also, it’s only genocide if I’m trying to smite an entire ethnic group or religious group or some other group off the face of the planet. It’s safe to say that I don’t discriminate who I murder, as I murder all people equally. Finally, who needs ethics when you can have weapons??

[theycallmekhan]

Hey, do you know how to stop my wives from fighting? I'm a budding warlord like yourself and I just wanted to know how to stop the wives from fighting. Thanks Genghis!! Also, I'm a huge fan of your work!! Fighting to keep all of the Mongolians together? Real fan man!

Hey Future Warlord! Thanks for asking! I really enjoy hearing from all of my followers, and really appreciate the feedback! The way I keep my wives from murdering everyone is by taking a different one on each campaign. It helps sort out the differences. That, and only my first wife Borte’s children will be the heirs to my empire. Just helps, you know?

[theycallmekhan]

About China

Hey guys, it’s your favorite blogger Genghis here again back at it with another post about China. Yes, I know, everyone and their brother, as well as their father and his brothers are talking about it, as well as your father’s second wife’s three sons, but it has to be done guys.

China has been falling apart and coming back together for centuries now, and I feel like they need new leadership. I’m getting sick of emails and messages about how their Emperors are scumbags, so I’m here to let you know that China will no longer be ruled by someone who is burdened by court drama in my lifetime. That’s right guys, I might’ve done a little invading and I’m pretty happy with the addition of China to my stockpile of kingdoms. Yay!! Dinner is at 6 for those who participated in the siege of China. See you then!!

[theycallmekhan]

Hey guys, I just wanted to update you on Fleetfoot. He is doing absolutely wonderful since his tumble with Adora in the field the other day, but thankfully nothing is too bad. Can’t wait to host another raid this weekend on the steppe, as he is chomping at the bit with restlessness. See you then!!

[theycallmekhan]

Tips on successfully invading a few cities with your fellow steppe brothers

Authors note: Since a lot of you guys are asking me how to successfully invade a city, I figured I’d make a short post with a few tips and tricks that I’ve either learned or picked up over the years. 

Always bring a few friends. One of the most fundamental principles, bringing friends not only increases your chance at success, but has been proven to strengthen bonds and sometimes even save lives. So, while you may be disgusted at their lack of hygiene (we do live on the steppe guys), it’s always great to bring a friend... or two thousand.

Leave the kids at home. Now this one may seem like a no brainer, but when you’re travelling long distances, it’s always wise to leave the kids at home so you can focus on the upcoming battle instead of hearing them ask, “Dad are we there yet?”

Additionally, leave the wives at home. Taking care of children may be hard and all, but make sure you leave the majority of your wives at home too, so that they can run the empire in your absence.

If your enemy has better equipment, leave them alive to have them mass produce it for your buddies. When you have to get good at war, it’s a great idea to turn your enemies’ machines against them. This is an even better way to ensure victory, as it crushes morale above all else.

Build your siege machines on the spot. Another no brainer, it’s better to build your siege machines outside the walls of the city, rather than to have to drag them across the open expanses of grass, where you are more vulnerable to attacks.

Show mercy in small kindnesses. For those of you who don’t know me, I simply do not vibe with the murder of children. That being said, if necessary, kill everyone but the children. That way the world will have a much kinder way of learning.

Leave a physical reminder of your victory! This one is more sublime than anything else. Whether it be the bodies of the fallen, a child (or ten) in the belly of a noblewoman, or just the charred remains of what had once been, it is always good to leave a reminder of your presence in the eyes of your subjects, lest they forget you exist.

If you go out, do it often, and do it quick. Fear spreads like wildfire, especially among the urban areas of civilization, as rumors only grow more and more outlandish. So, if you plan on taking more than one city, do it often and do it quick, so that your name can be spread like the fires that will consume your enemies.

Use your really horrible reputation to your advantage. If people start calling you a savage unironically, use that to get what you want! Even though you cry yourself to sleep at night because you just want to make friends, not everyone is going to like you. They will just have to defer to you once you’ve thoroughly crushed their spirits under your horse’s hooves.

Finally, have fun! Be yourself! Murder may not always be a walk in the park, but when you’re fighting you should always be yourself and most importantly, have fun! Murder is only terrible when you aren’t having fun with it!

[theycallmekhan]

“Tips on successfully invading a few cities with your fellow steppe brothers” credits

- ”Some incidents during Genghis Khan’s war with the Tatars” from “The Secret History of the Mongols”

- “Matthew Paris” from “The Chronicles”

[theycallmekhan]

Pictures used (in order of appearance)

Header (the really big photo at the top of the page): https://www.mongolia-trips.com/travel-tips/mongolia-few-words/climate-mongolia

Avatar (the smaller photo at the top of the page): https://www.pinterest.com/pin/303007881178334421/

Picture of Fleetfoot the Mongolian Horse: https://braymere.blogspot.com/2012/03/mongolian-wild-horses.html