finally they both started listening. we talk to angels in our sleep and when we are walking we talk to ourselves too. it's a good life
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In Thornton tonight for dad’s birthday/nicks TWO YEARS sober from alcohol. Two years came and went faster than I knew to keep track of. I suspect this will continue—would like to make deliberate efforts to slow life down so it doesn’t flash in front of me. Looked at pictures of mom, aunt Lisa, uncle Jeff, grandma and papa today. Saw one of mom and dad in front of nanas as well. Mom said she was probably 24 in the pic, Nick turns 24 in a week. Imagine that, mom at her mother in laws, young and in love. Figuring it out, or having the youth to presume it can be figured out. I’ll find out! In the photos, I was astonished by how young and beautiful they all look. Age comes faster than you expect, new wrinkles creep up slowly, and I hope I always see them blending into me rather than the only part of me I see. God, help me age and help me live, slowly, deliberately, gently, and patiently.
I am 27, an hour south to sleep at my mom’s house. Ethen, my boyfriend of 4+ years is sleeping, slightly snoring, next to me. I am awake at 4:53 am. About to sleep. So, here comes my life. I think I’ll be okay. Slowing down helps to see the details, take an accurate stock. The places, the people, the milestones, the years, will pass on their own and take care of themselves. I’m lucky to be here. Teddy is having a “sleepover” with us in the guest bedroom. We went to Dave and Busters tonight. Ate potato chip chicken. It’s important that some things stay the same, it’s important that some things refuse to. I think I’m okay<3
1. Moms senior photo (“Lori Brooks 1984”)
2. Mom, dad, and bullwinkle in Nanas backyard on Chipper ln (undated)


Holding the past, which lead to the future, which leads to the present. Daughter, age 27, March 2025, in Colorado, holding decades old photos. Like I said, it’s important that some things stay the same, it’s important that some things refuse to. Its all good, and I’m okay:)
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“it wasn’t in a greedy mood that you saw the light that belongs to everybody”
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My nose and cheeks are red because I was outside on the balcony this morning from 6:40-8:00am to watch the first sunrise of winter. Love love love love love and I’m such a whimsical cutie look at those beautiful curious eyes
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Remembering a time a guy asked me “do you want up?” at a concert and all of a sudden I was crowdsurfing
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Had the most vivid dream of dad I think I’ve ever had. Everyone was together and uncle Bob was acting sorta anticipatory and secretive then told me at one point that Dad was going to be there soon. He showed up at the door and looked his age, mid 60s. He had a little girl with him, she was probably 8 years old and looked just like me. Him and I talked and life/the party was bustling around us and I could feel pride and acceptance from deep inside him. Apparently, he had to go away and had been “underground” for 18 years with no tv or anything, just books. Mom nana and grandma were debating with the young girl what her name should be, she didn’t have one. All of them wanted to name her Time, but she wasn’t as into that name. Dad asked me questions about my life and how things had been and what I’d been doing as I got older. We talked, it was so real. He asked about me and Ethen and Ethen made him laugh a few times and I think he could tell I was happy. He was happy for me. I got the sense he was dying and he actually looked sorta ghostly, and had come up to say goodbye, especially to me and Nick, and check in on us before he left.
It was so weird. I woke up crying with “Only Time” by Enya in my head. I’m so glad I had that dream, it felt congruent. Yes, 18 years have passed, yes the young also ghostly but more full of life girl who loved him so and he loved her so didn’t like the name Time, I am on the front end of domestication, and he is proud of me and still loves me. I am lucky to remember love and care like that.
Who can say where the road goes?
Where the day flows? Only time
And who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose? Only time
Who can say why your heart sighs
As your love flies? Only time
And who can say why your heart cries
When your love lies? Only time
Who can say when the roads meet?
That love might be in your heart?
And who can say when the day sleeps
If the night keeps all your heart?
Night keeps all your heart
Who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose? Only time
And who can say where the road goes?
Where the day flows? Only time
Who knows? Only time
Who knows? Only time
Love to my present self, the little “dying” girl in me, and my almost dead Dad. We’re all okay. Let Time do its thing
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Tik tok tarot reading: do not rush it, to be here is a miracle
12/11/24
Yes, reborn in barren circumstances, but still reborn: trust n the good
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December 5, 2024
8:40am
Didn’t sleep, studied all night for my PSY2000 final. Listening to an AI generated conversation about my study guides😂😂
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2024 (the chariot)
My motto for this year has been “drive it like you stole it”
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I feel like I need someone to bathe me, brush my hair, apply essential oil and cbd over my skin. I want to be patted dry with comfortable and favored clothing laid out. I want to be tucked into bed with candles lit, Chopin’s nocturnes playing quietly in the background. I want to be consoled and reminded I am something precious. I want to speak out loud while somebody else writes in my journal for me. I want to sleep, gently at first and then long and deeply. I want to wake a dawn and remember life is meant to be enjoyed, not argued with.
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Marina Tsvetaeva, from a diary entry featured in Earthly Signs Moscow Diaries, 1917-1922
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I still don’t know how to feel about a lot of things, moving has been so strange
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I drove mom to the airport this morning since I slept over last night. On the way there a car pulled out in front of us to try to go to the west gates instead of the east gates and we crashed into each other. Everyone was okay, everyone told me good job because I prevented it from being much worse. On my way back to Fort Collins I was tense but relieved. Have been laying in bed since I got back
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