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thezoeydiaries · 5 months ago

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ENTRY #9

Hello there, it's been a while.

I've wanted to write on here multiple times in the past few months (and I have so many unfinished drafts), but I just can't bring myself to type anything.

Writing something is a struggle when you can't put things into words. And what's been going on for the past few months had rendered me speechless. There's just so much going on that I can't find the right words to say (or in this case write).

Life's been hard to say the least. I think I've lost my fire. I'm at a point in my life where I'm just so confused, and I feel so lost that I feel like nothing is real. That everything is falling apart.

I'm so anxious all the time. I can't regulate my emotions. I'm always tired. I cry a lot. It's all just too much. And I'm trying to write on this blog to see if it changes anything.

Different aspects of my life need a lot of work right now, and there's just too little of me to go around. I'm spread thin. I am so overwhelmed, and I have no choice but to face everything (when I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out).

I have this strong urge to leave my phone and take the next bus to anywhere far from here and just disappear for a while. I need a reset. I need a do-over. I want to start life again, but this time make different choices. Is this really how adults feel? like all the fun and joy gets sucked out by the time we reach adulthood? I have no clue what I should feel in this stage of my life.

The pressure is intense. It's blinding. It's suffocating. I can't breathe. It's not the kind of breathless where you're struggling to come up for air when you've sunken to the bottom of the ocean, but more of like I'm in the office in the middle of the day and I'm drowning because I can feel the water filling up my lungs and I'm forced to function like nothing's wrong. I feel caged and stuck. I don't know how else to describe this feeling of pure desolation.

I just want a break cause I can't seem to pull my life together. I just can't keep up, no matter how hard I try. I don't know what else to do. And the Lord has heard countless of the same prayers of mine, and I still can't find it in me to hope for the best. I apologize for that, Lord. I am trying, but it's so dark in here. You know my heart better than anyone else, and you've already heard my prayers long before I have written or spoken them. Please help me through this. Please.

I hope there's a next time.

Love,

Zoey.

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thezoeydiaries · 6 months ago

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ENTRY #8 - (May 2024)

HELLO THERE.

It's 12:26AM, and I'm in front of my laptop with a sheet mask on my face (Nags-skincare tapos puyat naman ano na HAHAHAHA). Yes, I have found a way to incorporate writing into my self-care routine. I don't always have the time to sit and write on my blog, but since I have 15 minutes to spare, (while I let this Korean sheet mask sink into my skin) I might as well take the time to write something.

S. E. L. F. C. A. R. E.

What is self-care? To some, it might be during their quiet times —times when you'd relax on your bed or your tub while listening to slow songs that make you feel at ease. To others, it might be when they do skincare and have a little wine while they read or finish a crossword puzzle. Some people enjoy having a good cry while eating ice cream until they fall asleep, and call it self-care. My point is that we have our own definitions of self-care but they all have something in common —they bring us comfort and they better us as individuals.

I think it's healthy to practice a routine where you feel completely in tune and in control of your body and emotions. Through whatever activity of your choosing, as long as it fulfills you (and is good for you), then you should do it more often. When you practice self-care, you begin to move with more intention. What does this mean? It just means you are mindful of your decisions, actions, and thoughts. When you move purposefully, you have a clear picture of what you want out of a situation and start acting accordingly.

By learning to create a healthy routine and developing your own version of self-care, you become more aware of what is good for you and start to gravitate more towards that path.

For me, my self-care routine starts with a clean room. Everything has to be in order before I take care of myself. My environment is very important to me because if it's unorganized and dirty, no amount of skincare and baths can make me feel clean. It gives me peace when everything is in its place, sanitized, and overall just neat and tidy.

After this, I try to finish any errand or task that can be done quickly before I hop in the shower. I do enjoy taking long baths while listening to a chill playlist or a meaningful podcast, but most of the time I like taking showers in the dark (preferably in complete darkness or with very minimal lighting like from my phone screen or the light outside the bathroom door) and listening to calming songs while I try to slow down. I live a very busy life, I'm always on the go, and it's rare for me to take the time to slow down and appreciate the quiet moments. (As much as I'd like to indulge in these moments more often and continue to be on my *soft side* with my guard down, that's not really my world.)

After taking a shower, I do my skincare (which involves the aforementioned sheet mask) and then I write on this blog while I wait for the sheet mask to dry down. I either take the time to do my devotions (which I haven't been able to do for awhile) then do my blog or vice versa. I also happen to notice that I write during the wee hours of the night because the world is asleep (depending on where you are and what you do for a living), and I just feel the most alive. It's mostly when I feel free from all the expectations and obligations —I get to leave everything behind. I'm not an employee, I'm not a co-worker, or a friend, or even a daughter —I'm just me. Everything else simply does not exist, it's just me and my thoughts.

This is the complete opposite of my daytime where I take care of everything else but myself. And maybe that's why whenever I have those rare instances where I could rest earlier than usual (when I finish all my tasks) —I choose to stay up and do what I want because it makes me feel like I could salvage what little freedom I have on that day. I know it sounds kind of sad in a way, but I do like where I am right now. It's good for right now.

After I write on this blog, I go on my social media for a bit, then scroll until I fall asleep. And I usually wake up energized (kahit na puyat haha) and motivated to start the day right. Then I make sure to maintain that peace and order until I go to bed. But of course, things don't always go our way, so I try my best to approach things calmly (and to remind myself things are okay) whenever I confront things that spoil my day.

Self care is so important and while I try to practice it more often, I still have a long way to go. I've learned to try different forms of self-care, and until I find the things that fit me best, I'll continue this journey of self-discovery. On to the good stuff!

*CTTO of the images in this blog post.

Love,

Zoey na love ang sarili.

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thezoeydiaries · 1 year ago

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ENTRY #7

Hey people,

It's 12:53AM, and I have been working for the past hour like a lunatic. I was in a very stressful situation, earning a phone call to my work bestie - Jade just to rant and blow off some steam.

I love the people I work with in production, but it's not always cupcakes and rainbows, if anything it's more coffee and the feeling of impending doom waiting to be unleashed at any given time. (Okay fine, that was exaggerated) But in reality, my line of work puts much pressure on employees like me and my colleagues.

There's a lot to unpack here, but the best example I could give you of my work dynamic is the plot of The Devil Wears Prada. Except it's with less fashionable people (but equally fabulous nonetheless). Instead of getting Miranda Priestly — I work with people who are closer to my age and have a different view on work relationships than the old-fashioned "I'm your boss and I'm going to ruin your life" narrative (Oh thank God it's 2024, and a good year for some character development).

I love the people I work with in production, they're actually one of the reasons why I could even stand this job. I don't want to sound like any other 20-something-year-old, ranting about how she hates her job and wishes she could quit but can't for reasons a, b, and c. But the thing is, as glamorous as it does sound working for TV Production, it's just as hectic and stressful as any other corporate job (maybe even more tbh). I hear my peers who work outside of my industry say that my workload is insane and that it's definitely not for everyone. And I agree with that, so many newbies in the company just come and go (not even staying for 3 months) because it gets too much too soon, especially on bad days. And as for my batch, we're already considered the seniors in the program since we've lasted for more than a year (which comes as a surprise to others, because on the regular —most employees last between a few weeks to only 3 months).

I get it, working in TV is not like your typical job and requires so much more out of you than the regular employee. We don't get to clock out, and we don't have the privilege to enjoy holidays or weekends. We only get free time when all our deliverables are done, but we can only do so much in so little time that before we even know it —we're already starting another production week for the next airing. So now that I've painted that picture, let me take you back to the present time.

I was ranting on the phone with Jade about a very common issue in our job and that's the hassle of scheduling the shoots. Just because one has a shoot, doesn't exempt him/her from her other duties to attend like weekly meetings for pitching and post morts (especially for other programs). You have to find a way to make things work for you because each show is like an independent company — they have no business with each other, therefore, they act like the other doesn't exist. So when you're in the middle of scheduling tasks, meetings, and shoots, they will not coddle you just to accommodate the other show. It's either you find a way to be there and fulfill your obligations, or you're not doing your job right. (Even if they schedule meetings at the same time, it doesn't mean it's okay for you to present in one and absent in the other). So whatever it takes, even if you need to split yourself in half, you do it.

And right as I finished my task for the night, there was a sudden shift in my mood. I felt like I was in a higher vibration all of a sudden. It was so noticeably different how I was ranting and in a bad mood one minute, and I was grateful and content the next. It was so unusual that it prompted me to write this blog right now. I don't know what it is, but I have a very good feeling that better days are coming. I can really feel like a good change is on its way, and I feel like I will be receiving blessings upon blessings.

I am just in a good mood despite the heaping amount of work I know I have to get into really early in the morning. I don't know if this is like a preview or a sign that things are finally going to go my way, but I just can't shake off the sense of relief, the overwhelming joy, and the hope that things are finally going to turn for the better.

So I guess the only goal of this blog is to remind you that even if things are not going in your favor, in a split-second God can change it all around and you will be grateful.

Till next time my loves!

Love and light,

Zoey na randomly optimistic

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thezoeydiaries · 1 year ago

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Entry #6

Hello~

I have returned from my writing hiatus and I feel incredibly stuck. I never really understood the phrase "Choking under pressure" until I experienced what being a responsible adult feels like.

I grew up having a comfortable life. We could afford little luxuries here and there on top of basic needs. And I grew up never needing to ask for anything. Don't get me wrong, I didn't grow up spoiled, I never really asked for stuff from my mom or family. Even if it was a toy, food, or a trip I wanted, I just didn't ask them.

As long as I had the basic things: food, house, clothes/shoes, and of course, allowance (from when I was still in school) then I was already set. Anything else like pang-projects from school or extracurriculars, mga gala, events that I wanted to be part of —lahat yun from ipon ko sa allowance. It's not because I couldn't ask them for money or something, kasi there were times din naman na if I didn't have ipon then I'd ask them to pay for stuff I need for school. (Take note: for school lang, kasi if it's a personal expense I'd rather pay for it myself). In short, I learned about financial literacy at a young age. I knew that it was not easy making money, and living abroad when I was younger just strengthened my views on how hard it is to attain financial security.

*Excuse the way I look, kakatapos ko lang maglaro sa arawan jan lol*

*My mom loved putting my photos in Magazine covers. Trust me napakarami kong pictures noong bata na cover ako ng magazine haha*

Even when I was a kid, I always viewed my family status as "having just enough", I would never assume that we had extra money for anything else nor did I know how much my family makes. Ever since talaga I don't ask my family to buy me the trendiest clothes, or shoes, I just wear what I have in my closet. Some are hand-me-downs, others mga gifts nila or pasalubong, or when we go shopping they already get me stuff on their own pero there was not one instance that I asked them if they could buy me something I liked, I would just nod if they asked for my opinion.

I'm also not the type to change my phone or my gadgets kapag may newly released stuff. Most of the things I have are either gifts or hand-me-down ng family members kasi they're the ones who usually upgrade often. So most of the things I have were given to me freely and grateful ako na they have good taste so I also like the things they buy for me. Siguro kaya hindi rin ako pala-hingi is because before I could ask for something —they've already provided it for me. And I've gotten used to this until I finished College.

It's not like they stopped providing for me, it's just that I needed to step up and provide for myself, and also help out with the bills. I'm not gonna lie, it's brutal. Being responsible financially to provide, puts a lot of pressure on a person. I'm not a breadwinner or anything like that, we all work in our family (except for lola of course), and yes I do make a decent living, but it's still not enough to cover expenses.

Especially, when there are cases where you need to put out money for emergencies and there are payables that need to be taken care of while it's still weeks away from payday...it just stresses me out big time. Because while you may have the money to pay for stuff, once you take care of all the expenses, you still need money left to make it through the next salary cut-off.

And being a 24 (or 20-poor as I say it) year old, with an almost 20-hour job (I work in media: for 3 shows to be precise), living in a 2-person household with 2 pets, the living expenses can get pretty high. For the last 2 years, I have been earning more than my mom, because my job allows me to have a salary increase depending on how many shows I can handle. And while that may sound tempting, I do have to remind you that I work almost 20 hours a day for most of the week. The workload is really heavy and I don't get to do much with my time besides go to bed and work then repeat. (and that's not even including the random rakets I have besides my tv shows).

I have this goal that I want to be able to provide for my Mom on my own, that's why I don't pressure her to work as hard to earn. When I was still studying, she was the sole provider. And her job, on top of her basic salary, had many incentives including a monthly salary increase every time she booked clients with big case counts. She works in finance and banking btw (investments and insurance). But when I graduated, I didn't pressure her to book many clients, and she's been living off of her basic salary. So I have been managing most of the expenses we have.

I'm not going to go into much detail but living in Manila, things get crazy expensive even if you don't live lavishly. Kami ni Mom, simple lang kami, we don't go out often or buy things, pero yung expenses namin monthly is malaki talaga because we choose to pay for comfort. And even if we only pay for basic stuff, it does put a lot of pressure on me to make ends meet kahit na we're both working (Hello inflation I see you). So for the past few months, it has been really hard financially, and I just feel stuck.

God always provides. He sustains us. But siyempre, you can't leave everything to God —you also have to find ways to make things work. God can move mountains, but you have to take a step. And now, I just feel so stressed out with responsibilities paired up with my work obligations —I am losing sleep (And I don't have a lot of those). I don't really know why I'm writing this, I know it doesn't really resolve things. But I guess, I just want to let it all out.

I have been used to living simply, and like I have stated above hindi ako maluho na tao or magastos sa sarili. And I am working so hard and literally grinding to the bone, and yet I still can't cover all of the expenses. It's frustrating for me. I'm sure a lot of people experienced this on the daily. And I feel for those people na lumalaban ng patas pero nahihirapan kalabanin yung realidad ng buhay. It's not easy living, I get it. Mahal mabuhay sabi nga nila. But regardless we still have to keep going because there really is no other choice but that.

*I absolutely love and adore these people. Some friendships faded, but others are here to stay. I cherish those who are still there.*

On paper, I make more than most of my other peers (Not to brag, I'm just trying to paint a picture). My salary range is higher than most entry-level jobs even though I had this job a few months after graduation. And while yes, technically I do make more, my peers naman get to do more with their salaries and get to experience more things than I do. They have a life outside of work, their social life is alive when mine's pretty much dead hanging on a cliff somewhere with my employment contract.

I just don't feel young anymore. I don't feel like I'm getting to enjoy my young adult years because I have such big responsibilities compared to my friends. I feel like after College, working has aged me so much that I don't even look like myself from before I started working. And my co-workers agree to that when they were looking at my company ID. I understand na there are other people with bigger problems like if you compare them to mine, I know you'd say "OH POOR YOU HUHU BOO FREAKING HOO", and I know some would say "Well that's life and that's reality so suck it up". But that's not really going to change anything.

And now feeling the way I do, I have this guilt inside of me for thinking and feeling this way when the reason why I work as hard as I do is because it's for my family. Hindi naman nila ako pinilit na magtrabaho ng ganito and ako rin naman yung umaako ng responsibility so I need na panindigan to kasi I want to provide eh. But all at the same time I'm already tired of finding solutions to problems financially all while I'm working my ass off to provide tapos kulang parin. Then I get sucked up into a space where all I could think of is how many sacrifices and how much hard work it took for them to raise me and provide for me, tapos ako ang bata ko pa ganito na agad ako kapagod? na i feel shameful that I'm already this tired when for most of my life I have been provided for. I know it invalidates how I feel, pero the guilt is there every time na gusto ko magrant. That somehow I have no right to feel this tired.

I am being very vulnerable on this page right now. I don't know if I could ever show this to someone or face anyone who could read what I wrote on this blog. But I just need an outlet for my feelings right now because I don't think another person in my life could equally relate to how I feel. And that's what this blog is for —to be my friend when I'm in need.

I've been ranting on here for hours now, and I still haven't found a solution to my problems. I wish I could say that it felt better to release, but honestly it feels just the same. I can't go to sleep because I slept for 12 hours straight, I ignored work today, my friends are all busy, and my head is too fuzzy to focus on anything on the internet, I also couldn't read anything because I'm in a dark cold room and I refuse to open my lights. I can't listen to music right now because my head's all noisy, and I don't have the energy to interact with another living being despite having rested for half a day.

So what do you do when you literally can't do anything? I chose to write instead. And I feel like I should end this blog right now because I have nothing else to say.

*CTTO of the images in this blog post.

So good bye! Till next time <3

Love,

Zoey na pagod na maging adult

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thezoeydiaries · 1 year ago

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Daily Devotion - 04/03/24

"You don't have to be a good singer to sing; you need only a song" —Dr. Johnny Hunt.

Today's Bible passage is Exodus 15:2 "The LORD is my strength and song, and He has become my salvation; He is my God, and I will praise Him; my father's God and I will exalt Him".

Have you ever witnessed being in a place of worship, and seen many people being emotional and crying while they sing songs of praise for the Lord? (I know, when I was younger I was like "What is happening right now") But as soon as I was old enough to understand the words they sing during worship, I was like "Same."

I grew up to be a very emotional being. I cry easily at anything that can tug my heartstrings (it can be a commercial, a story, an unfortunate circumstance.. name it, and if it moves me —it'll make me cry). But nothing has ever made me so emotional, the same way I hear praise and worship songs.

It doesn't matter where I am, what time it was, or who I am with, if you make me listen to praise songs and really let it sink in —I will cry (Especially when I sing along to them). Singing for me is therapeutic. I don't really have a nice voice but it doesn't stop me from singing. Songs trigger something inside of me (whether good or bad), if the lyrics resonate and I know every word of a song, I become vulnerable. It peels layers that hide underneath, even more so when it's a worship song.

Songs are also a form of prayer. Maybe it's easier to tell God how you feel when you put it in a song. Music never goes out of style, and when you put your prayers in a song —it gets immortalized. But it takes a lot of honesty and courage to share your prayers for others to hear. But oh what a blessing it is, to have others relate to your prayers, and maybe that's why we should opt to make more music out of our love letters to God.

I remember worship songs that never fail to make me emotional and to name a few: of course, there's "Oceans" by Hillsong UNITED, then there's "Lord, I Offer My Life To You", "Still" by Hillsong Worship, "The Power Of Your Love", and "Who am I" by Casting Crowns. These songs are classics, almost everyone knows them and I grew up hearing these songs. Whenever I sing along, there's this tug inside my heart that just activates the tears. The feeling is like water pouring outside of your heart, a cool stream of emotions just rushing to come out. And I don't even notice sometimes that I'm already crying because I was so invested in committing to every word I sing. For me, those are the best kind of prayers —when I sing and mean every word with all my heart. And after singing praise (and crying), I feel renewed and so relieved.

What once was an act (crying during praise) that astonished me, became an instinct I had growing up and to this day I can honestly say that it's unlike anything I've ever felt before. I have yet to find a feeling better than relating wholeheartedly to a song for God, the lyrics leap out of your chest and the feeling is so liberating. I hope everyone gets to experience that feeling during praise. It may be OA to some, and others may scoff or laugh, but it's one of those moments where you feel like your relationship with God is the most alive. And at the end of the day, it's an intimate connection between you and the Lord.

As I am writing this, I'm listening to my worship playlist, and it's so comforting; It feels like a warm hug in a chilly room, or your first dive into the cool water on the beach during a Sunny day. It just feels right.

I love Music (even if it doesn't really agree with me HAHAHA), and I'm really grateful for artists out there who make music for the Lord. It's beautiful. I hope I find more songs about God that I can relate to. Or maybe someday I could make one myself —kind of like my personal letter to God. Who knows right? I might just need me a musically inclined boyfriend and we're good to go HAHAHA (Baka yun lang pala yung iniintay talaga para makapagcompose ako).

Anyway, this is the last song on my playlist. And I'll end this devotion by saying "God, I will never get tired of singing praise to your name".

Amen.

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thezoeydiaries · 1 year ago

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Daily Devotion - 04/02/24

Today was interesting. I met with a very insightful public figure during our shoot today on one of our shows. We had a candid and somewhat deep conversation about how manifestation works. And how he is a living testimony of how effective manifesting is when it comes to turning your thoughts or ideas into reality.

He said "Some may call it delusional, pero when you get that feeling na something is going to happen.. I don't know how it's going to happen or kailan basta naniniwala ako na mangyayari talaga sya". This made me think of another situation where I watched this TikToker explain how to identify if something is for you and it's in God's will.

This Tiktoker said that if every path you take leads you towards this goal or this want, it means God has permitted it to come your way. Or that even if you keep struggling, and it still doesn't change how you feel about the goal, then it means God has planted it in your heart for a reason. You need not make sense of it all because to believe in something is to have blind faith. You cannot know something and believe it, because to know is to fact, as to believe is to have faith.

This reminded me of God's promises. In today's reflection, I've read Genesis 28:15 —"Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." It comforts me to remember that I am not alone in my journey. With every decision and path I take, I am being guided by the Lord to make choices that will give me the best outcome. And that with every choice, I hopefully become closer to the person that I am supposed to be.

I have been reminded today that God works in ways we cannot see, and while we may think that we are going nowhere, maybe the period of waiting is also a period of transformation. What do I mean by this? Maybe all of the opportunities are waiting for you, it's just that you are not yet ready to receive them. Whether it's because you are not in the right state yet to receive the blessings, or maybe if the opportunities are handed to you now —you wouldn't know what to do with it or how to properly handle it.

My season of waiting is teaching me that I am not ready yet. I may be mentally prepared to receive the blessings, but I haven't reached the best version of myself just yet. God is still molding me into a person who knows exactly how to handle what will be given to me. I do not want to waste opportunities just because I rushed into things. It takes time to become ready. It reassures me whenever I think that God is present and he's there to make sure that I am taking the right steps toward making the dream happen. That all of the things happening are some kind of divine intervention. So tonight, I rest in God's promise that someday, when I am ready, I will have what I want and I will just know that he's given his blessing. So until then, I'll align my actions with my goals and pray that I become deserving of the blessings to come.

Amen.

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thezoeydiaries · 1 year ago

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Daily Devotion - 04/01/24

Ever since I was a kid, I have grown accustomed to writing my innermost thoughts on paper (especially about my spiritual reflections). Still, I have found a different way to express myself and my realizations by publishing them in this online journal/blog.

I haven't tried writing about what I learned during my quiet moments of reflection. I used to have this notebook that I kept with me whenever I did my daily devotions, but lately, I just found it hard to bring all the time, and instead typing became more convenient for me. Am I completely comfortable putting my most vulnerable thoughts out there? Not exactly. But maybe there's a reason why God has allowed me to put it out there. It might be useful to someone else. It might just be the thing that they needed to hear. I don't really know, but what I am certain about is the fact that God has asked me to put my thoughts out there for others to read.

Today, I read about Proverbs 28:13 —"People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy." It was timely. Yesterday was Easter Sunday, and we just finished the Holy Week. It was a time of gratitude towards Jesus' sacrifices for us.

I am a sinner. I am not perfect nor am I trying to be. I have always known this inside my head. But have you ever tried saying your sins out loud? No one has to hear it, you don't need to be in front of a priest or pastor to acknowledge that you have sinned and ask God for forgiveness. In the same way, you do not need to be in the church to pray, for any place where you can find God is considered your church.

I tried doing just that —acknowledging my sins out loud. At first, I felt a lot of shame because speaking it out loud makes it so real. I couldn't hide behind my excuses. "Si ano kasi eh" or "Wala akong choice nung time na yun", or whatever lame justification I had was instantly gone. I felt naked. I felt uncovered by the truth. Yes, it felt uncomfortable. But it was only then I felt relieved, that with every sin that I admitted out loud, I felt more free. I have committed many mistakes, maybe not as gravely sinful as mortal sins, but still equally wrong. Admitting where you went wrong is the first step towards change. Knowing that you need to fix something is a sign of growth.

There are many things that I want to outgrow; Habits that no longer serve me or the greater good of others, routines that hold me back from being a better person, or worldly things that make me think small and turn me shallow. The list can go on, but it all has to start with acknowledging what went wrong.. or in this case, knowing WHAT YOU DID WRONG, so you can fix it.

When I was done listing down all my sins and saying them out loud, (after the period of shame) I found solace. After saying "Lord, I am this.. I am that.." and being extremely honest with myself, I asked him "Lord, please forgive me". After asking him for forgiveness, I mumbled "I hope it's not too late". It was that simple. I heard a voice in the back of my head saying "It's never too late". Whether it was my subconscious, my imagination, or maybe even my alter ego —it gave me hope. And in my book, if it's something good, then it must be from God. After that, I was at ease, like a big thorn was removed from inside of me. I felt light.

All this time I was functioning normally, nothing majorly devastating happened recently (except Nate's passing), but every time I talked to God and did my devotions —I had absolutely no idea that my spirit felt so heavy and weighed down until I finish talking to him and reflected. Because afterward, just like clockwork, I have never felt lighter; like all the burdens I had no idea I was carrying, suddenly vanished. I'm not saying that it fixes all my problems, but it renews me and gives me the courage to fight for another day. It blesses me with God's grace and carries me through trials.

I am no expert in Religion. I do not know all the scriptures or have them memorized by heart, nor have I finished reading the bible completely. I do not go to Sunday service or Mass, and I have not participated in religious practices for quite some time. I may not be the epitome of a good practicing Christian, but I do have a relationship with God —one that I claim is strong. I am not Religious, but I am Faithful. I could do better and try harder to be a better servant of God, and hopefully, I get to do my part in helping spread his word and his love.

I may not practice all of the things mentioned above, but just like the voice in the back of my head, I hear "It's never too late". And I shall try.

Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to see things this way. I have been so focused on what's in front of me, that I forget to see things that should matter more. I hope to gain more discipline and obey you so that I can be more of your likeness. I pray that you provide me with eyes that see good, a voice that encourages, hands that lift people up, and feet that always stay on the ground. And lastly, a heart that loves like yours.

Amen.

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thezoeydiaries · 1 year ago

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ENTRY #5

Hey there!

It's 1:05 in the morning. I'm here at our house in the province because we're spending the Holy Week with the family. I couldn't really relax right now even if I wanted to kasi ang dami ko pang need matapos for work, but because everyone is in vacation mode, there's not much I can do about it.

So to appease my busy head, I'm just going to use this time to write entries and hopefully get some sleep after. Today is Saturday (March 30th), and we will be leaving for Manila on Sunday. I would love to stay longer but unfortunately, my job is incredibly demanding and I have to get back as soon as I can.

So while I'm here, let me talk to you guys for a bit. I'm trying hard to recall kung ano nga ba yung mga nangyari sa akin for the past months (actually marami siya hindi ko lang maalala yung details). Siguro I'll start with a very mundane memory that brings me joy.

This is my Kim's Ramyun routine:

For those who don't know what Kim's Ramyun is, it's like a Self-Assisted Korean Convenience Store where you can help yourself to a wide range of instant noodles, Korean snacks, drinks, Korean side dishes, ice cream, etc.

Almost everything in the store including cooking your chosen noodles is up to you. All you have to do is choose what noodles you want to eat and other items you want to purchase (drinks, desserts, snacks like seaweed or a bag of chips, etc.) then you go up to the counter and they will assist you with the side dishes you like (if you choose to have any). Then you can have them ring up your items and you can start preparing your meal.

1ST STEP: Go to the Cooking Station

*CTTO of this image

In one corner of the store, you will find Automatic Ramyun Cookers lined up in a row. Depending on what kind of noodles you choose (stir-fry, soup-based, etc.), there are different buttons to press to properly cook them. There are also buttons to add more water, or to extend the heating time of the stove, and there are usually instruction guides on the side of the machines. Or you can ask one of their staff to help assist you with the machine.

2ND STEP: Wait for the noodles to cook (and then drain if it's for stir-fry instant noodles)

After you figure out how to use the machine, you wait for your noodles and sides to cook in the boiling water. Since I started eating at Kim's Ramyun, I haven't tried any soup-based noodles because I always go for Instant Jjajangmyeon from the brand Paldo. I also order mini sausages with my Jjajangmyeon and a pack of seaweed (usually the cheese-flavored ones), and I always get Grape Fanta for my drink. This has always been my go-to, and I know the pairing may be a bit odd to some but I like it.

3RD STEP: After draining, I go find my seat and enjoy my meal in peace.

Once I reach my seat, I prepare the sauce of the Jjajangmyeon and mix it in with the noodles and sausage. And then I open my pack of seaweed and wipe off the top of my can with alcohol (It's always been a habit of mine na punasan muna yung top ng can before I drink kasi helloooo hindi ko alam kung saan at anong pinagdaanan nung can na yun hahaha). After that, I get my phone and search for a series I'd like to watch or get my AirPods to listen to some chill music/podcasts. While I figure out what to watch or listen to, it gives me time to let my noodles cool off (I'm not fond of hot food, pero depende rin siguro sa mood ko or weather).

I usually eat at Kim's Ramyun after work because one of their branches in Timog is close to our office. And when I couldn't decide on what to eat I usually opted to walk from the office to Kim's Ramyun and have myself a hearty bowl of Jjajangmyeon. Kalimitan kapag maaga akong aalis ng office and alam kong tapos na lahat ng tasks ko for the day, dito ako pumupunta for dinner. There were also days that I visited during the wee hours of the night after finishing work.

I get a sense of comfort whenever I eat at Kim's Ramyun after a long day at work. It makes me feel like an adult and that I just had a productive day. It sort of became like a sign that I just clocked out and now I'm just a regular person again (and not an employee). I also find myself alone amongst groups of people who dine there. But I don't feel the slightest embarrassment by eating on my own at Kim's Ramyun unlike when I was at that K-Grill place near my Dorm (IFYKYK, please refer to my previous entry). It also feels like some kind of "Me Time", I get to enjoy my meal in peace and catch up on episodes of my favorite series or podcasts. Whatever it is, it just brings me comfort. It may sound like a simple and incredibly mundane thing that I do, but whenever I go to eat there —I end up having a good time. It's a small win that I like to celebrate.

And that's it for today's entry. It's already 3:03 AM and medyo inaantok na ako so I guess I'm off to bed. In the next entries, I'll be talking about more random memories or ganaps from the past few months. But for now, sleep na muna tayo.

Good night my lovelies, I'll chika more soon. Bye~

Love,

Zoey na pumipikit na ang mata

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thezoeydiaries · 1 year ago

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ENTRY #4

GALENTINES 2024 *Late Upload

Okay, so you guys turned into adults. You guys went from being 18 to all of a sudden turning 25 this year. From due papers to due bills, from all-day-every-day meetings to annual get-togethers, from experiencing life together to making life updates... no one knew being an adult would come this fast and would hit us like a ton of bricks.

My friends and I are very close. Even if we all don't get to talk on the daily, nothing really changes. We all might be going through different things in the span of a few weeks to a few months, but once we all *finally* sync our schedules and catch up with everything, it's like no time has passed at all.

I guess I'll be mentioning my friends a lot in these entries, so don't worry you guys will have plenty of time to get to know them. I'll make a separate entry for them and make detailed accounts of how they are, how I perceive them, what roles they play in my life, and overall how great they are as friends and as individual people.

So last February 25, my friends and I had a *very* late Galentines Day celebration. I believe you guys already know that GALENTINES is a spin on the words: Gal and Valentine's, which is really just a cute excuse to go on a date with your girl-friends.

Since my friends and I are really busy people (we've all been workaholics since College, maybe even longer than that), it's extra hard to schedule a meeting where everyone can take time off of work or have a free slot in their personal sched to do other things. So for the past few years, we usually end up having an annual meet-up where everyone is free. Unfortunately for this year though, Regina (or Baddie/Reggie as I call her) wasn't able to attend because she had a schedule with the DFA to get her passport ready for an important work trip abroad. And so, it was just me, Kayla (or Lulu as we call her), Alliah (or Patty/Alli), and Gayle (or Gayley).

Now that we have their nicknames in order, you guys won't confuse them for other people HAHAHAHA. Okay so back to the story —last Feb 25, we *finally* met up in Makati and I was extremely late for our date. So just a little backstory, at the last minute I had to go back to our province in Laguna for the weekend to spend time with the family and so, I had to find a way to get back in the Metro by Sunday at around lunchtime. We all planned to meet up around 1 pm, and I initially planned to leave Laguna by 8 (it would take me 2 and a half hours to reach my dormitory, and another 2 hours to get ready for the date), but unfortunately, my family had different plans and decided to take me to Manila themselves.

We left by 11 am and there was crazy traffic that day. I was incredibly frustrated (when we left I hadn't even taken a shower or eaten yet) because I knew that I'd be super late and I'd be making my friends wait for me. So when I got to my dormitory, I had to rush so much. And the thing was, the universe wasn't on my side that day.

*Insert Zoey in stress mode*

The first issue was that I had to clean my room first before I could begin preparing because I could not function in a messy environment. I don't know what it is but I just cannot ~for the life of me~ get myself together when things are untidy and unorganized. And since I left at the last minute before the weekend, my room was in complete chaos. I had to fix that first by sweeping the floors and disinfecting them with alcohol, then by organizing the clutter and putting things back where they were supposed to be (It took me almost 45 minutes to clean everything).

And then I had to find an outfit that matched the theme of the Galentines Date which was Black and Red. Again, this took me so long but at last, I went with a simple Black crop top that had "New York" plastered in front of it, some Black skort, a Red Timberland Hooded Puffer Jacket, and a pair of Red Guess sneakers.

When I finally decided what to wear and finished ironing it, I ran to the bathroom to get a quick shower and proceeded to do my skincare and my makeup, then afterward I fixed my hair. By the time that I was finished, it was already 3 pm. So I booked a Grab to go to Makati, and when I was maybe 20 minutes away (from the dorm), I realized I had forgotten my gift! GRABE! I was already pressed with time and I forgot something important pa! You'd expect me to be really upset at this point (and you were right). So I had to go all the way back to the dorm and then leave for Makati again.

While I was in transit, I messaged them and they were already done eating brunch and started roaming around. Of course, I felt awful that I had missed most of the Galentines Date, but I was more upset at the fact that I had to make them wait for so long. When I reached Makati, they told me to meet up in Greenbelt and I finally caught up to them at the Power Mac Center.

When I saw them, we all squealed and hugged each other. Kasi to be perfectly honest, super duper busy talaga kami and we rarely have the time to see each other in person, so every time we did, it was just this beautiful happy moment. Gayley gave us these crocheted flowers and mine was this super pretty Sunflower <3 (I loved it, thanks Gayle!)

After this, we were trying to decide where to go next because they already had brunch but I was still really hungry (kasi nga paano ba ako makakakain sa mga nangyari HAHAHA), so after walking around for a long time, we just ended up at Chili's lol. When we got to our table, we wasted no time and just made so much chika. When I say so much chika, I mean like SOOOOO MUCH chika (months' worth of stories, plans, and tea ;) hahaha).

We talked about a lot of things. Lulu gave us so many life updates and it was news to me that the baby girl of the group was already talking to someone. I know magkaka-age naman kami pero kasi she's literally the purest, most innocent, wholesome being you'd ever meet, and as you may have guessed, yes, NBSB sya. (Sorry for putting your business out there love you haha). We were really happy for her as she's trying to figure out how she wants to go about this whole dating thing.

Patty naman also shared stories about her work life, how she's still enjoying the party scene, and exploring her options. We're on the same page when it comes to dating. We would like to enjoy the "Single Life" and experience things on our own. I mean it is nice to have someone accompany you and make memories with you but there's a certain beauty to enjoying life on your own and figuring things out as you go. We still have a lot of "discovering" to do before we get into the dating game. And it was refreshing to hear Patty say she's just having fun and seeing where things take her. Because much like her, I'd like to take this period of my life to get to know myself more and just see what life has to offer.

Now, with Gayley naman, it's a little different. She's been in a long stable relationship with Neil for years. (He's our friend too and he's also like family). We're very fond of Neil and we all think that they're good for each other. We've known Neil since freshmen year in College, and he's a real standup guy. We see how respectful and how much of a gentleman he is, especially towards Gayle. (We love Neil in this house lol) He was also one of those people who had my back when I was in a really rough situation. Anyway, going back, she told us about her plans for the coming months including trips to Japan and Taiwan. We tried to set another get-together but the next schedule available for us is after May pa (Sabi sainyo eh mahirap magschedule sa amin haha).

We all talked some more (of course I can't tell you guys everything in detail) and I also shared personal stuff like things that happened after Nathan passed, things that happened at work, my plans for the coming months, etc. I didn't really have much to share with them because I just went through a lot over the past few months, and I didn't want to be a Debbie Downer. So after we finished eating we all went to take Lulu to the station because she was rushing to catch the Sunday Mass in Muntinlupa.

*And dahil late ako, siyempre wala ako jan haha*

After Lulu took off, we all went to a coffee shop to talk some more and we all wanted to try new hobbies like pottery and golf among other things. For those of you who don't know, I like taking classes and workshops on different things. If it were up to me, I'd hyperfixate on one hobby for a whole month and attempt to learn everything I could about that thing, and then try another hobby for the next month, and the cycle repeats. Thankfully, my friends are like that too and are more than willing to accompany me but like I said previously it's just not that easy to get us all together in one place because our schedules are always very hectic.

It was almost 7 pm when we decided to head home because we all had work the day after and siyempre dahil tumatanda na rin tayo, gusto palagi na pauwi na HAHAHAHA. So we said our goodbyes, and then Gayle and I shared a Grab kasi we're headed in the same direction pauwi. And when I dropped Gayle off, I started having all these realizations while I was on my way home.

It hit me hard when I realized that we've been out of school since 2021. Regina and I finished school ahead of Gayle, Kayla, and Alliah because they were from different courses (Although both courses were under Communication Arts) but we all shared the same graduation ceremony way back in 2022. While I was reminiscing and getting emotional over the fact that time was passing by us quickly, I was reminded by Kuya Driver that we had arrived at my destination. So I hurriedly paid Kuya and got out of the car, and as I was walking to my room I had this bittersweet feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"Tumatanda na nga kami" I said to myself as mom opened the door. She asked me how the Galentines thing went, and I told her I had fun and that I missed the girls. After telling her stories, I prepared to go to bed. After cleaning up and doing my skincare, I plopped on my bed and went on my phone to see if everyone got home safely. And that was when I opened my gallery to look at this album entitled "College Memories", and I reminisced some more until I fell asleep.

I am filled with so much gratitude toward these girls because they have been with me through the highs and lows, and even when we don't regularly see each other and talk, it's like nothing changed. They are the same people that I loved since College, it's just that we're all on different paths now but still very much a part of each others' lives. While times might have changed our routines, and we may not share the same reality anymore, it's still exciting to see what's in store for us and our futures. (Waiting na po ako kung sinong unang ikakasal haha #ReadyToBeABridesmaid).

I guess that's it for the girls' Galentines Date this year. I'll be making a separate entry about the girls in detail and the whole adulting thing.

Now, if you reached this point, CONGRATULATIONS! That was a really long read lol I appreciate you for seeing it all the way through <3 here's a star for your effort!

*CTTO of the images in this blog post.

Good night everyone, till our next entry~

Love,

Zoey from the 8th floor

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thezoeydiaries · 1 year ago

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ENTRY #3

Hi, it's me again.

It's currently 1:59am and I'm sitting at my desk as I'm writing this entry. The past few days have been really exhausting, not physically, but it was so emotionally and mentally draining.

I'm at a point in my early 20s where there is a lot of pressure to get my sht together. Whether it would be in my finances, my career, my personal goals, and where I want to be in my life (or at least where I think I'm supposed to be headed). I have been reminded to have patience and to trust the Lord's plans for he never abandons us, especially during times of need. But I have this aching feeling of not being able to sit still and feel like I should be doing more with my life.

We have this Filipino saying of "Nasa Diyos ang awa; nasa Tao ang gawa", and what it basically means is you have to move and find a way to get what you want/need through the grace of God. Hindi ko naman nakakalimutan magdasal (siguro baka kulang pa din) but I cannot simply wait for things to happen.

Maybe this is a personal struggle of letting go of control and giving God your complete trust. I believe he can get me through anything and that he has great plans for me, but sitting in this discomfort is draining my spirit. I don't know if God is urging me to work harder and find a way to make things happen for me (to find solutions to problems, change something in my routine, etc.) or if he is asking me to just wait and seek his guidance while he makes a way for me.

I have no idea where I'll be in the next three months, but I'm hoping it's somewhere great. There is a constant battle in my heart and in my head, and I don't feel any closer to getting answers. To be honest, I feel lost. I don't really know what to ask for in prayer (so I just stare at the ceiling as I let my tears stream down my face until I fall asleep).

They say God hears our hearts when we cannot speak our minds. Of course, he knows me better than I do. He is the creator after all. But sometimes, I'd like to ask him if he can just clear my head or if he could think my thoughts for me because at times I do not really know what I should be thinking anymore. I have so many questions, and I'd like to ask for directions and guidance from above, so I keep asking for all these silly signs just to get a somewhat concrete answer to where and what I should be right now.

It's 2:14am and I have a shoot today. I should leave by 4am and reach GMA before 5 because that's the time we leave for Subic, Zambales. I will be going to the shoot with no sleep yet again. I'll have to hit pause on these thoughts because I have to prepare for my shoot. So I guess, I'll just continue this for another time. So till then, I hope I find more strength to conquer life's daily challenges.

*CTTO of the images in this blog post.

Au revoir my lovelies, till next time~

Love,

Zoey na nagb-breakdown.

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thezoeydiaries · 2 years ago

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THIS IS SO CUTE OMG

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thezoeydiaries · 2 years ago

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ENTRY #2

Hi blog!

So just the other day, I went to the mall and had this idea of going to a K-Grill place and eating Samgyupsal alone. The idea was sort of intimidating at first for a few reasons:

I am currently a pretty hefty girl and I know I'll earn some weird looks from strangers.

I know I'd have to eat a lot of meat when I'm not even that hungry.

I have this irrational fear of being photographed by a random person while eating alone in a public place. (I don't want to be posted online with a sad empathetic caption and be pitied for being "alone" in public lol)

But despite having second thoughts about eating Samgyupsal on my own —I still did it. Because quite frankly, it was what I wanted to do at the time. So I braved my way into the place and asked for a table, and when the girl asked for how many —I chickened out and said it was for two.

I know, I shouldn't have lied about it, but I was kind of embarrassed knowing I'd be eating a ton of food on my own and I just wasn't prepared to see the judgment on their faces if I said I was dining alone. And since that happened, I had to find some excuse halfway into grilling, to say that nobody else was going to be joining me. LOL.

I'm usually the type of person who does what she wants, regardless of what others might think (don't get me wrong, there's a time and a place for this kind of behavior). As long as I don't hurt or disrespect anyone in the process of making that decision, then I shouldn't really care about what others might think right? Wrong. It may be easier said than done. While in principle, yes it should be that way, but as humans, we have the fundamental need to not be seen as socially deviant; that includes not doing things out of the ordinary to avoid being seen as odd. And going to a K-Grill place alone (when you usually go in groups) can somehow be seen as a peculiar move.

Regardless of this, I went to see just how far I could push myself out of my comfort zone. I went in there grilled some meat, watched videos on my phone, had a small chat with one of the waiters, and enjoyed my meal while I had a short catch-up with my dear cousin —Anjellikah over a video call.

As I finished talking to Jelly, one of the waiters came up to me and asked where my "companion" was and this is where I had to come up with a lie to cover up the fact that I intentionally went there to eat alone HAHAHAHAHA. I told Kuya "Ahh ang tagal nga po kaya nauna na po ako kumain", then he asked me where I worked and I told him that I worked for GMA Network. And after a short conversation, I pretended to get a text saying that my "COMPANION" would no longer be joining me. I told Kuya-Waiter this, and he removed the plate and other side dishes in front of me.

After the whole *palusot* thing I felt more at ease and I enjoyed the meal more since I didn't have the pressure of "waiting on someone" when there was no one to begin with. And that's when I realized how silly I was acting; people don't really care if you're alone or not, and even if they did, it's not like they're the ones getting full from eating all that glorious grilled meat lol.

Overall, I enjoyed my time in that K-Grill place near my dormitory, and I look forward to the next time I get to eat there again. For now, I think I've had enough beef to last me the next couple of months (si OA naman haha). But next time, I'll surely have more confidence entering that place and only asking for a table for one :)

Till my next grilling adventures~

Love,

Zoey na medyo amoy usok

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