thil-bil

[thil-bil]

Goal for Today 250 kcal eaten

[thil-bil]

04.06.22

It was a bad day tbh. One of those when i dont care much about what i eat. I ate around 800 cals and burned 250.

I didnt punish my self tho,

[thil-bil]

My ADHD, My ED my last 4 years of life

So yea, after 21 years of my life, i got diagnosis with ADHD.

Now many thing makes sense.

That explain a lot, including my ED.

It only hurts that my own mother doesnt believe me, even tho i spent A LOT OF MONEY, on diagnosis, to make sure that it will be done properly. I had many test, and every specialist that i talked to could without doubt after only 20 minutes talking with me that I indeed have ADHD.

Thats so fucking depressing. Knowing that because my ADHD, My ED and prabobly Hashimoto (im not sure yet, but I'm enrolled in a screening, besides I have symptoms plus it's genetic, and mine Mom is also having a Haszimoto)

I cant focus because of that, and also its so fucking hard to loose weight.

I lost a lot weight in 2019 but at the beginig of 2020 i gained it all back.

It was caused by quarantine ofc, but not only. I had my exams, really important, because it was senior year. I could focus fully on strict diet, i knew i have to let it go, and eat more or I will fail.

By teh time i was trying to slowly increase my calorie income. I didnt gain much, maybe 2 kg, But over the course of a few months i went from eating 300 cals to about 1400 cals. It was a big deal. Even tho i was exercising, counting calories, i gained all weight bac.

It destroyed me. I could gain weight also because of antidepressants i was taking, so i thew them away.

For almost 2 years I was stuck in the same body, trying every day to make it better, Starving my self again, and i couldnt change it, no matter what.

It hurts

aT THE BEGINING OF 2021 I MOVED TO MY STEPFATHER FLAT. iT WAS EMPTY, and nobody lived here since stundents that were letting a huse, moved out. I wanted to live alone, so i will have no food in my home and it will be easy for me to not eat durring lockdown.

I spent there only mont, cuz my momther and my stepfather arued and i had to move out. One nigh, when i was on BD party my mom called me, and told me "you are moving out tomorrow" and that it.

In April This Year ( 2022) I started taking meds for my ADHD. It helped me loose some weight finaly

DISCLAIMER. DONT EVER TRY TO FAKE ADHD TO GET THOSE MEDS. IT WILL NOT HELP YOU. If you dont have adhd it will make you feel druged all tehe time, also it will harm your hearth liver etc. and your organs are not in good state rn if you have ED.

So please dont ever try it. It will not work.

I dont know how my life will work. I dont knwo how to stop it. But I feel so miserable.

My plan is, to loos weight again, so i finaly will feel like im worth healing (I KNOW ITS NOT HOW IT WORK, BUT THATS HOW I FEEL).

i know i cant just eat more. It will end up as always, i will feel bad, scared, i will want to cut my skin, to harm my body, i will feel bad, i will be scared that pepole will treat me worse, i will cry every day.

My metabolism is too slow, eating 500 cals doenst make me loose any weigh. I loose weight only when i eat around 300.

When i will be back to my old weight i will try again, increase slowly my calories.

But this time i will stay on 1000 cals for longer, It will take a lot of time, but im tired

First 3 photos are me in 2019 I had more photos but i lost them :((

Thats me now and how i want to look like

yes i used body editor xDDDD

And thats just me on the blurry selfie enjoy

[thil-bil]

Its been a while

I cant use tags, i dont wnat to had my account taken out again.

Thats just my dairy, to keep my self focus on my goal.

If you are new to ED tumbrl, you better lisen to me. GET THE FUCK OUT.

That shit isnt cute, isnt nice, it will not make you pretty, it will not attract anyone atention, it will not help you feel secure or under control. It will destroy you, your body, your life, relatioship, chances to succes and have a better life.

I dont promote Eating disorder. I just know that a lot of us are here and suffer for years and im one of you.

Its for me. My dairy, my safe space for every shit in my mind.

Thats my mind

If you can reach out to sb, DO IT. If somebody try to help you, accept their help. They really want the best for you. You will not end up happy in ED. It will consume you and everything you have.

Neverthen less, it might couse you to not loos weight at all, you might end up in point, where you dont loos any weight even tho you eat 500 cals per day and exercise. Thats how long term ED and extreme calorie deficit works.

You will be stuck in point when you cant anjoy any food and still not be able to change the way you look. It isnt worth it.

You matter, and fuck whatever somebody told you,

You metter, your problems metter

And your ED is real, rather you are skini or not.

Take it

Here is another thing i wanted to share 👇👇👇