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[things-i-want-2-tell-u-but-cant]

12/12/18 - 9.39 pm

I’m broken and numb. My mind is fuzzy, my stomach is in knots and I feel sick. I don’t know what to think, feel or do. Everything is up in the air and I hate it. I hate all of this.

After 7 months with you, going on 8, I never expected us to be in this position. Tip toeing around our problems, hurting each other. I have never been so unhappy as I have been this past month. And don’t think I’m blaming this on you, because I’m not. I know I am just as much to blame, if not more. After our talk on Friday I’ve realised that a lot of our problems have come from me. I say things expecting you to realise what I’m meaning, when you take everything at face value and dont read into anything. Which, I would say is probably the only cause of our problems really... and for that I am so fucking sorry. My heart is literally aching thinking about everything I’ve caused.

You’ve told me before that I need to be honest, and to tell you things - the reason you’re perspective has changed. And that I understand, but I hope you can see things from my side and see my reasoning behind why I can’t. The truth is I’m terrified. As it is, I don’t know what you want. And I feel like if I tell you the truth and how I’m feeling... I’ll ruin every chance with you and you’re going to leave if you don’t like what I have to say. And I know that probably won’t happen. But at the moment I feel like I am gripping onto us by a thread.

Which is where the whole things with other girls come in. It is true, I did tell you that it was okay to see other people. But I didn’t actually mean it in a sense. When I found out that you were talking to Khadra and that it seemed more than I thought it was... I was hurt. My heart broke and my stomach dropped. Truth be told, I knew the whole day while you were at my house on Sunday, I just didn’t want to let you know it effected me so much. But from that, I instantly felt like I wasn’t enough for you. You already had told me you wanted nothing from me but a friendship, you had been messaging girls on tinder asking to meet up and god knows what else... so thats why I said it was okay. Because after saying that you would either tell me you didn’t want to - and tell me I was enough for you.... or you would go to other chicks and prove that you didn’t want me at all... which unfortunately is what happened. And in my mind I already don’t feel good enough. So instantly all I could see was that you had found someone skinnier, prettier funnier and probably nicer than me. And that hurt. I’m not blaming it on you at all either, I just wanted to explain the reasoning behind why I said it and then got so upset by it all - its 100% still my fault it happened. 

Another thing I accept is that my type of communication is not the best. I struggle a lot to be able to say what I’m thinking - like forming the words is really hard for me and something I struggle with a lot. I generally have so much going on in my head that the only way I can make it make sense is by writing it all down - which is why I generally send you long messages like this haha (SORRY). But yeah so thats why it also may seem like I may hold back. Just know, it isn’t because I dont want you to know, its because Im literally just overwhelmed by emotion and I can’t make sense of it until I am able to sit down and write it all down. If i dont it literally will take me days to realise what the fuck is going on haha. But if you decide to take a shot on me - I’ve got a way around this dont you worry!

I apologize for everything I have said to you the past week - I know some of it would have been hard to hear and probably hurt you.. I didn’t intend on that. I think I’ve just been hurting for so long, I couldn’t it anymore. The truth is, I don’t think I can do the just friends thing. I tried my hardest, I really did. But at the end of the day I love you. And i know you don’t feel the same. But I just can’t sit there while I’m just “one of the boys” to you and I consider you to be my whole word (little bit of an exaggeration but ya get my point). 

You told me that I need to look at myself in a more positive light... And I get that. But one part of that is realizing I deserve better than just to be some girl who sits there waiting on a man she loves hand and foot while Theres a good chance that he could be fucking some other girl the whole time without her knowing. And I know that’s probably dramatic in your eyes. But I’ve spent so many years of my life doing this for other guys. I sit around, giving them my all, only to get sidelined and used as a toy when theyre bored or in between girlfriends. I love you with all of my heart but I don’t want to go back to that. To feeling useless and worthless.

So the choice is yours. I don’t expect you to come up with an answer within a day. You can take as long as you want or need. But before you do. Theres some things I need you to know. 

Firstly, I know you’re used to people leaving. But i swear to you, that isn’t going to happen with me. If anything, the past few weeks have proved that. Even in the hardest of times, like the past month, I will choose you. I will fight for you the whole way through, and never ever give up on you if you let me. And I also know, that its also YOU having to leave which scares you. But i hope you get that if we’re together, I would go with you as soon as I could. And until that day I would save every cent I had to be able to visit you every chance I have. I would call you every day. I would do everything I could to stick by your side. Because I know you haven’t had much of a chance to have someone do that, to have someone that stays by your side no matter what happens and no matter what the distance. But i promise you, if given the chance, I would do that all for you and so much more. Because, believe it or not I have the same fear. You’re the only person who has stayed... everyone else, even my friends has given up on me. Even my family. When i moved up to Auckland I literally went 6 months without once seeing my mum. So i know what its like for people to be ripped away from you or to leave your life.. and I would never ever put you through that. I’m sticking with ya until the day you tell me youre done. 

I also need you to know that it’s okay. You have this strong fear associated with me. You’re so worried and scared that you’re going to hurt me or fuck my life up. And because of that you hold me at arms length. Every time you let me close and become vulnerable, you push me away and go back to wanting nothing to do with me. I know you think you’re a mess. That could be true, but fuck. Look at me, I’m the biggest mess of them all. But that doesn’t mean anything. It doesnt mean you dont deserve love, it doesnt mean you’re going to hurt everyone in you’re life who gets close to you. We have a lot to still learn about ourselves, and thats okay. But I need you to know that I’m willing to go through that all with you. We’ve grown so much as people in the last 7 months, just imagine what we can achieve with more time. And if you haven’t fucked my life up by now, I’m pretty sure that it won’t happen considering I’m growing stronger every day.

And that’s another thing. I still don’t think you believe how much you mean to me. Like Tira and I constantly told you on Friday but you wouldn’t accept it. And I think the one thing that highlights that, is the fact that after feeling the way I’ve been feeling and after everything, I’m still here. Even when I said we were done - I couldnt help but message you everyday. I was constantly wondering if you were okay, etc. You’re the first person I’ve even done this with, trying to talk everything out. Usually I would give up and just walk away. But with you... I can’t. 

I know I probably sound fucking crazy (my bad if i do), I just love you. 

I love the fact that you can write a rap in less than an hour - and a fucking good rap at that. I love the way you get self conscious and shy when you tell me about the things you like or find funny and always do the typical “hahhahaha nah i dont know”. I love the way you’re starting to open up to me, like on Sunday morning telling me about your childhood and your songs. I love the way even when you thought you hated me, you still went out of your way to check if I was alright. I love the way how you always put me first - like you were so mad and upset on Sunday morning but as soon as you saw I was crying you like melted and were so kind to me. I love the way I feel so comfortable at youre house, like ugh, I adore your mum shes so lovely. I love the way you make me feel at home, something I haven’t felt since I was year 6. I love the way you believe in me more than anyone else i know, and even when we’re not in a good space, you still stand up for me. Theres not one thing I don’t love about you, apart from you’re farts, those are raaank. But at the end of the day what I’m trying to say is there isn’t anything you could do that would make me hate you. We’re young, we have so much to learn about ourselves and each other. There are going to be days when we want to kill each other. Theres days where we may hurt each other. But I know for a fact, that we care for each other so much, and only want the best for each other. I just idunno, I’ve spent over half a year with you... and ive enjoyed myself so much it feels like its only been about 3 months. I wouldnt have wanted to spend the time with anyone else and im so greatful and appreciative of you. 

I’m not asking you for the world. I’m not expecting you to want to be in a relationship with me and start calling me you’re girlfriend over night. Thats unrealistic. But for me, It’s more a choice of whether you want to pursue other girls like khadra, megan and morgan. Or you want to delete your tinder, and give us a shot. We can still start off as friends. We dont have to have sex, or kiss or hold hands - i mean i love doing all of that and would do it in a heartbeat. But what im trying to say is I dont have any expectations. I just want to know if you’re willing to take a shot on me and not flirt with other girls, etc.... or if I should do everything in my power to move on from you and let you be...

Either way, just know that you’re an amazing person. you deserve the absolute world and the best love the world can give. And i’m sorry if you dont think I can give that to you

hope work isnt too bad tomorrow! Wish you were coming to graduation with me - Im going to miss you. LY xx