thingsandstuffyeah - Tumblr blog

[thingsandstuffyeah]

In the retrospection ive been having, i can confidently say one of the worst patterns of behavior i had that ive been slowly chunking away at was the pattern of literally saying/doing horrible shit just to make it so people would hate me. I really had no bounds even just go back a few years. I really, really genuinely wanted people to hate me. And to what end? Just to make it so i could cut everyone off and feel less bad when i eventually ended my life? What a miserable pattern i led.

I think breaking this one open in the past few months really has been one of the biggest advancements in my life. Now i genuinely dont want people to hate me. The only question is if i can make a little life for me now, one haunted by a self hating past but able to see light. I dont know how to make it work, i dont even know if it will, but its not like i have many other choices.

Yeah, im typing this here in the hopes that you see it. I just hope you dont hate me, even though i gave you every reason to. Guess i wont know for sure, but thats okay. Not a day goes past without missing our long conversations, but thats okay. Its okay to miss someone. Its okay to regret. Its okay. Im okay.

I hope im okay.

[thingsandstuffyeah]

Ate too much of that soup god damn

[thingsandstuffyeah]

Cant sleep. Dont know where to go. All that fills my head is those nights i was raped. I feel weak and pointless. I feel stupid for lying. Lying that i wasnt raped has consumed my every living moment. Lying because i hated myself. Its coming up on what, 2 years ago now? 1.5 or something. Its loomed over me every day since. I was used. Then i lied. Now i cant help but see shadows in the corners of my eyes of people that hate me. Why did i do this to myself. Why did i lie. Why did i want people to hate me. Why was i hellbent on tearing myself apart

.

I come back here because truthfully its the only place i feel safe to talk emotionally. I hate it because its due to still feeling like im talking to that person. Because i should have moved on by now. But i havent. Im trying so hard to move on

.

I dont think they think of me anymore. They shouldnt. But part of me just wants to feel safe again. And i dont know how to feel safe elsewhere

[thingsandstuffyeah]

Look at me and my promises, im high and im remembering so much. Does it even matter posting here? I remmember so muhc. I cant. I feel such a familiar feeling.

[thingsandstuffyeah]

Im having an intense... psychological? Spiritual? Somethingal experience. Things and stuff... yeah. If im being honest, felt like some witch magic flooded my mind. But that sounds crazy so... but its ok i can finally say those things cuz... yeah... things and stuff. Loneliness.

[thingsandstuffyeah]

I had a nightmare.

It wasnt a normal nightmare.

I am scared.

I need help.

[thingsandstuffyeah]

Good sleep good dreams, for the final time.

The day doesn't matter.

Consider this my flowers on a grave. I can hear my own breathing. It mimics wind. I cried just now. Not a lot. But a start. I saw everything flying away. I'll be going to sleep now.

You can rest now, J. I don't think you really ever existed anyway, besides to me.

Good sleep. Good dreams. To me. To you.

[thingsandstuffyeah]

Good sleep good dreams, to me.

5/10/23

Today is a turning point. Today, is a day that will change my life. Today, and as far as i can go i finally dont live for anyone else. Today, i free myself from guilt and pain. The person these used to be addressed to is gone. Today, i love myself. Today, i am me. Today, i am free.

I will become part of this forest of melodies. I will be the whole of me, singing. What that holds? Im not sure. But what i know is that this time,

Good sleep good dreams, to me. Because i deserve this. After everything ive done.

[thingsandstuffyeah]

Have. Willpower. I am more. Than an emotional puppet for people to use. I am more. Than anyone else. I need to be more. I want to be your friend. I will always. But I can't sit here and let myself die in my own head over this anymore. I need to be more. I can be more. I am more. If you see this, I don't hate you. I want to be your friend. But I won't let myself be something you hurt by this anymore. If you change your mind, I'll be here. But I won't be hurt.

[thingsandstuffyeah]

Good sleep good dreams

5/8/23

5/9/23

Made substantial progress, ai should be within reach. Not ai ai but like, as in ai in a video game ai. Pathfinding, but cooler

[thingsandstuffyeah]

Good sleep good dreams

5/7/23

No it didn't go well

[thingsandstuffyeah]

Good sleep good dreams

5/6/23

Going to another meet up. To a childhood memory place.

[thingsandstuffyeah]

Good sleep good dreams

5/5/23

Hm... Got no coding done.

[thingsandstuffyeah]

Good sleep good dreams

5/4/23

Intimidated by AI. Just need to do entitymovement first so im less intimidated

[thingsandstuffyeah]

Good sleep good dreams

5/3/23

Even if

I was enough

Would it matter

?

[thingsandstuffyeah]

Good sleep good dreams

5/2/23

Blehhh do i have to actually do ai now? Crap

[thingsandstuffyeah]

Good sleep good dreams

5/1/23

Ledo :)