thinking-kaye - Tumblr blog

[thinking-kaye]

HAPPY ANNIVERSARYYYY!

Well, belated. hehe. Yesterday, I got a notification that it's my blog's anniversary. Yeheeeey!

Now, I just finished scrolling through my past entries, and wow!! Just how long it has been. It makes me smile to see the messages I have for my future self. I also realized what a poet I was before. The words and idioms I used can be passed to our past subject "Narrative Journalism." HAHAHA.

Writing... has really changed my life. It became my best friend. Someone I can talk to when things get heavy, when my head can't handle the thoughts, and when my feelings are too much that this served as the bucket underneath catching those overflowing ones. I am truly, truly grateful to have discovered this art. It has literally changed my life. It enabled me to be able to materialize my thought and even sometimes, it serves as my reminder. Whenever I'm writing what happened about my day and I get to read it, it sometimes reminds me "You did this. What should you do? is this the person you are aiming to be? You are doing great, you should keep doing this."

It enabled me to be a better person. So I will keep doing this as much as I can. I will be doing this as long as I can. Thank you so much!!

And for my past self, Hellooooo! Kaye! I am from the future. You now love your course, No regrets. I can tell you have become a bit better, but, there's still a long way to go. I also saw the BSDC 1-A "Sign out" and now I'm in my 4th year! You did soooo well! I'm truly proud of you. However, there's still a long way to go and we will be doing the same. GROWING, IMPROVING, ADAPTING, SURVIVING, AND HOPING.

Now, for my future self. HELLO KAYE FROM THE FUTURE! I am Kaye from the past! Now in my 4th year of college but still finding my way in life. I still feel like a high school student. I still feel like I have a lot to learn. I still feel like I am bound for more. There's a famous saying now that's been popping up that would be perfect to describe what I'm talking about- "Malayo pa, Pero Malayo na." I don't know what the future holds (as we all do), but what I know is that you can do it, Kaye. It will be hard, as it should be, it's a cannon event, but just push through it. The only way is through. Just search for motivation quotes if it's too much! HAHAHA. I wonder when you'll read this? Will you be working already? do you have a boyfriend already? Have you traveled to a lot of places? How are you? please let your 21-year-old self know. Just know that I am already proud of you. I love you, Kaye.

Signing out, BSDC 4-A Kaye.

[thinking-kaye]

ACHIEVING MY GOAL

I can say that the top priority of my goal is to really work on my Physical Fitness. Specifically, I am planning to lose some weight. However, it is more than that. I strongly and absolutely believe that working on our Physical aspect can lead to far greater things- our health will improve, our mental health will also be well-taken care of, we will be able to teach ourselves discipline, and we can make a better version of ourselves. It has been my goal ever since last year, which I have been continuously trying to work on because I always seem to be consistent. This year, however, it will change. 

Now, I am going to talk about the steps I’ll take for me to achieve my goal.  

One of the mistakes I’ve made in the past year that made me unable to attain this goal was because of the fact that I did everything in a giant leap. That is why, the first thing I should do is to take the baby steps for me to move forward to bigger steps. Before, I would straightly do an intense workout or a sudden change of diet, 

Now I will:

- Go for a walk for a week every morning (3km.)

- Eating only 4 meals (Breakfast, Lunch, Snacks, and then Dinner)

- After a week, move to a light jog for another week.

- Still Eating only 4 meals (Breakfast, Lunch, Snacks, and then Dinner)

- Moderate Jogging then for the next week. 

- Eating only 3 meals (Breakfast, Lunch, and then Dinner)

- The following week, moderate jogging, but do a Pilates work out in the afternoon.

More tips on this journey:

- Control myself in a nice way. (Avoid overeating, sweets, sodas, junk foods, fast foods, salty) 

- Eat fruits as an alternative for snacks. 

- Drink a lot of water if there are intense cravings.

- Measure what I eat with a small bowl.

- Drink a lot of water (Which I think is the easiest feat for me)

- Get enough sleep.

- Move if you can.

- Do household chores

- Be CONSISTENT. Even if I am in school or I am with Family- I will be consistent.

[thinking-kaye]

BACK FROM THE DEAD

November 2. 2022 7:45 PM

HEEEYYYY! Omg! It’s been a long, long time since I last wrote here. Of course I’m here again to RANT! Like, duh? Anyway, straight to the point, this evening I guess just after my 1o-mins. Yoga, I scolded KI- again. However, this time it's just not an ordinary scolds but a screaming-on-the-top-of-my-lungs-plus-breakdown kind of scolding. I don’t why, but I felt really good after letting it all out. Just a quick recap, I’ve been really in a lot of stress these past few days. So being able to vent out and let it all out, lessen a bit of my burden. I even smiled. My heart felt lighter as well. However, It's not good to make KI my outlet, which was really not my intention. I just got triggered and just burst out. I’d also like to remind myself that I should really apply my complaints to Mama and KI to me as well. I remember telling KI before what I learned from a TedTalk. That you shouldn’t exchange your relationship with someone just to be right. I also get mad to her about little things, and aren’t I am exchanging my relationship with her for just that? *sigh* Also, I told her to watch her tone and all that. I also do the same with Mama and I don’t even notice. *sigh* I don’t want to invalidate myself and I know I’m tying my best to be the best sister and daughter but I don’t really know what’s wrong with me. Hopefully, in the future, I could go to therapy and maybe even with my sister. It’s sad that somehow I am also giving her some traumas I had been going through. :( It’s okay Kaye. Again, I promise to do my best. I will talk to them in a softer tone, I will lengthen my patience, I will be good to them. Just take baby steps kaye! You can do it. :)

P.S I’m also annoyed with my group of friends in school. *sigh*

Maybe the problem is me. It’s me! Hi! I’m the problem, it’s me

Taylor Swift, 2022

Anyway Good Night!

End: 8:06PM

[thinking-kaye]

FACE YOUR FEARS

Feb. 12, 2022 Saturday 1:44 PM

Hello Online Journal!, It's been quite s looong time since Instarted daily journal. But I think this platform really helps me ease my mind. Lately, or should day these past few years, I've been struggling with my face Acne. It started out small but I think it really worsened this Pandemic. I really experienced severe break out and I don't feel really good about it. I keep telling myself affirmations and I keep reminding myself that it's normal, that I'm still beautiful, that I'm still.... worthy. :<

However, this week is really the worst. I broke out on my forehead and it's more than I can handle. What hurts me the most is when I try telling and showing it to my Mom but you know what she said? "Ginusto mo ran" which means that I've put myself in that situation. She said it was because I always put too much and that I keep on using any Product. :< It really hurts to hear that cause I was really trying hard to heal it. *Sigh* I evn cried a bit. Anyways, I'll be back. My cousins is here and we'll cook snacks.

[thinking-kaye]

Status: Feeling Hurt

December 08, 202 9:30 PM

Hey there tumblr! It has been quite a long time since I've been here isn't it? Don't worry cause I've been writing daily on my journal notebook since the beginning of November. It has become a part of my routine and really helps with my mental clarity. I'm writing what I'm thankful for, for that day as well as the highlights of my day. I noticed that what I mostly write here is just about my rants and inner thoughts contrasting what I write on my journal.

I'm here today cause I feel kinda hurt with what my Mother is implying. December is really the month I'm always excited about. The vibe and atmosphere is really different. It's cold, but a good kind of cold. My surroundings is full of lights and I can here those lively Christmas music. Another thing is that this Month, is also my birth month.

I have plans. I have a bit of my savings from our work last time. I plan on giving back. I plan to give gifts. I plan to celebrate. However, it's seems like my Mother is not really happy with my plans. I told her that I'd like to give away cakes to people who we think is deserving and she told me that I should just keep my money for my birthday celebration. It hurts me to know that she doesn't even think twice of what she's saying. I feel hurt that she's not that supportive. Aren't they(the parents) supposed to be proud that their children are doing acts of service?

What hurts me the most is the fact that she made me feel... less. Tonight I told her about my plans on Christmas eve. That we should just have food that's enough for us like just a Viand and a Cake will do because I'm going to have a Birthday celebration 2 days after that. What shocked me is that she told me that I should just use the left over cake from Christmas Eve on my birthday celebration.

Am I not someone worthy to have her Birthday celebrated? I know that we should always be mindful of how we handle money. But am I not worthy to be spent money on? I'm not asking for something grand and big. I've actually told her that I'm just gonna invite my friends over which you can even count on your fingers. I can't help but feel hurt and just keep it to myself. What is left for me to say?

However, I want to remind myself that It's okay Kaye. I still have some money left and I can still afford a cake. I can't really control my Mother. I just have to be more understanding. I have also asked for my Papa to buy me a second hand iphone cause I just want to have a great quality pictures but that can wait. He actually agreed but I can tell he's reluctant to I'll just tell him that I'll just use the money for my celebration instead of buying that phone. :> It's okay Kaye. Just be patient <3 Soon you'll have your own time. Remember to be thankful of what you have and don't be greedy. :)

No matter what, I only wish for my Birthday is for my Parents and sister's good health, happiness, safety, and peace of mind. I wish for this world to heal. I wish for peace to happen. I wish for those who are hungry to fill their stomachs. I wish for those who are in pain to be free from it. I wish for all the dogs to be loved. I wish for all the wishes of the people to come true. Amen :)

At the end of the day, I'm still blessed and for that I'm grateful. I'm stil thankful for my Mother for being here. I'm so lucky to have my Mom by my side. Thank you for everything, Lord. Thank you for making my mind see things I should. ;)

Signing out,

KAYE

[thinking-kaye]

HEAVY

Oct. 23, 2021 3:03 P.M

Hello there! I just woke up from a nap then had a little chitchat with my cousin about what we've feelin' this past few days. She's working and kind of busy so I decided to write this down cause I really feel bothered.

This past few days, I have been feeling so stressed. I've went to the beach and even ate delicious food last Oct. 20 and 21. I really had fun for those 2 days but now it's just all bouncing back. It's like you've had your fun now you have to suffer. I am primarily stressing over My Mother and My Sister which I have gotten over and I've been resolving it. Now, I just saw a Pic of my friends together and it's taken a toll on me.

The stress and anxiety I've been feeling has doubled. I can feel my heart being so heavy that I have to clutch my chest. No matter how much I say that It's okay, It still gives me this tingling pain. Too much, that I'm praying to God to help me ease this pain and trouble.

I know, in time, everything will fall into its place. I'll understand why everything of this has to happen. I know that it's Teaching me things I still cannot comprehend.

I surrender everything to you God. I surrender the weigh I've been carrying. I leave it all to your hands. I just have to stay still and have faith.

This will all be over soon. Thank you so much for all the blessings you have graced us. May you open my eyes to things I'm blind at.

This is Kaye,

Signing out

End 3:13 P.M

[thinking-kaye]

RAISING A PARENT

October 18, 2021 9:07 AM

ARRGH! This is my 3rd time trying to write this. I was writing in my laptop and it keeps on refreshing and I lost my entry.

I'm just gonna go straight to the point. So my Mom and I had a row Last night. I saw her inbox and I saw her message with my cousin who helped me get into a home-based part time job. My mother message her that she should keep my pay and don't tell me anything about it.

My Mom is getting so obsessed with her small business. She would prioritize it and will do anything for it. Even to be burdened with a Loads of Debt. My dad has been unemployed for the past couple of months, and we've borrowed some money for him to get back to work which I completely understand. Now that he's back, my Mom is still keen on borrowing money. I saw her message a lot of people beside my cousin asking for some money to borrow. Again, there's nothing wrong with borrowing money. It's just the fact that she would do it for her 'Tiangge' which us not necessary. Her business should help her grow not bury her with debts. She couldn't even eat on time and so coped up with that.

So I told my dad everything about her caprices. He was listening and all that until I told him that there problem is that they don't thoroughly think about their decisions. He was offended and backfired "Who do you want to make the decisions then, You?". He added that It's my fault pushing to build our house that's why we're out of money.

How is it my fault? A child wanting to have a comfortable house to live in? I shouldn't even ask for it in the first place since it's their responsibility. But no, I have to ask it as my Birthday gift before they start working on it. It makes me sad to think that they don't really have plans to further improve our lives.

They really don't think about their decisions and what they say thoroughly. But then, I have learned that I can't control them. From now on, I would just keep my mouth shut and let them be. I should just start to make my self better and more knowledgeable. I should learn from what they lack of and will try to apply it to my life.

To Mama and Papa,

I hope that you will try to be a better version of yourselves. I hope that you'll be more like a parent to us. It makes me think you are selfish with your decision and actions. It makes me think that you don't care for us at all. I'm also tying to be a best daughter. I've applied from a university without you paying huge tuition fees. I am working so that I won't have to ask you for money about the things I want. I hope you will acknowledge that. It pains me that You don't try to be better. That you have closed minds. You don't even try to comprehend what I'm voicing out. Your just thinking of what to fire back. I will remember all the things you have done and will learn from it. I'm still thankful for everything and I hope we'll grow as a family and individually.

Nene kaye

I'm crying as I write this. I hope everything will be better. I know it will. :> I'll always wish for their health, peace, and safety. Now I'd like to pray for their minds to be open. I let everything to your hands God. I will trust in you.

Byeeee

Signing out

Kaye

End 9:30 AM

[thinking-kaye]

No more heartaches for me :>

October 8, 2021 9:04 PM

Helloooo October! Wow! Time is literally flying. For the first week of October, I can say it's been smooth. Smooth like everything is just a chill ride. We celebrated my nephew's baptism. I have a work now which I can't believe haha. My Papa now has gotten is passport that we've been dreading for a long time. He is also about to fly for work next week and I pray it goes well. My classes has been okay, I've passed most of my school works and we're approaching our Midterm. Argh! Anyways, as what I've said it's been kind of a smooth week. Like a calm wave and I hope it stays that way. Well, we never know life is like the sea, so unpredictable. The weather might look and feel calm, but its always calm before a storm. Wow that's so... deep. Haha. Well, I know I can go thru those storms, I've already did some so...

Anyways, just this night we had a class. It's a Language subject which includes Hiligaynon and our Teacher made us read a short poem which is of course in hiligaynon. It's about a story of a couple who were together for a long time and then broke apart because it seems like the boy found someone else and again wants to come back to his first one. It made me really sad that I felt my eyes fogged up. They were talking about universe, and about being soulmates and all that. Love is really scare. A thought immediately came to mind and I said "I cannot handle another heartbreak". I would literally be so traumatized again if ever. So I said, if ever I found someone, I hope he'll be the one. :( and if not, then I'd rather live my life happily being single and focus on things that I enjoy. Just reading or hearing stories like that breaks my heart.

So I said, I'll wait till I'm old enough, wise enough, and ready enough to be in a relationship. I've also thought of possibilities of growing old and living life alone but not lonely. Because like how I compared like to the sea, it's also the same with love. It is unpredictable.

So I will trust everything to God. I will trust his process. His way. His will. Whatever it is, I'll accept it. For now, I'll just try to live in the present. Not looking back at the past. Not worrying about the future, but just Living the present.

Byeeee! I JUST SAW A FROG IN MY ROOM.

Signing out

KAYE

9:25 PM

[thinking-kaye]

Ily Mama <3

Sept. 30, 2021 9:27

I know I said I would write an entry on the day of her birthday but nah I was so tired.

September 28, 1975 my mother was born. The strongest and bravest woman I know. However, she is also the most soft hearted and kindest person. I know she have been thru a lot that's why I'm so proud of her. I love you Mama! <3

I have said that I just received my first ever salary. So I told her I would be the one to buy her cake for her. As soon as the cake was handed to me, I can't help to smile and it almost reached my ears. I'm genuinely happy and proud that I was the one to buy that. I have also bought a happy Birthday banner for some spice. It really feels fulfilling.

I can also see how Happy she was and how she worked hard for the foods. It was not really planned but it was fun.

Dear Mama,

I know I'm quite a handful sometimes. I know that we've been thru a lot before and How you handle our hard times is just amazing. I just want you to know that I know every sacrifices you've made and hardships you have gone through. I promise I will make it up to you. I will make you proud and maybe someday I can pay you back. Not with money literally of course Hahaha. We'll see. So I always wish to god to give you a healthy and long life for me to fulfill my dreams for you. I love you Mama! I may not say it but I know you know that.

Your daughter,

Nene Kaye <3

End 9:38 PM

P.S I'm kind of sleepy already grrr. I drank medicine so maybe that's why. Good nayttt

[thinking-kaye]

SEPTEMByeeeee

Sept. 30, 2021 9:06

I really find my header funny hehehe. Anyways, Wow. September just passed by. Many things have happened this Month. My Papa's birthday, Went to Igbaras, got vaccinated, and of course my Mom's Birthday.

I remember a lot of breakthroughs for this month. This month is like my awakening. I have realized many things like how God is telling me maybe they are not just my people. I was so bothered whenever I'm not included and won't admit that I'm kind of insecure a bit. I would think to myself that I don't care anymore but whenever I see pictures I would feel a pit in my stomach. I have also realized how much I want to be a better sister. I want to be one of the people who my sister can look up to.

I am really grateful for this month. I also wanna add that I got my first ever Salary! Aaccckk! It's just swells my heart and makes me proud to be able to buy things with my own money. But I tell myself to Handle it well and to never be greedy. Thank you thank you so much for all the blessings.

However, no one still beats for my number one wish, which is for my Mama, Papa, and sister's wellbeing. I wish for their health, for their happiness, and for their peace of mind. My Papa is now processing his Medical and I hope everything will go well.

I just wanna say, I'm also proud of myself because I've been consistently waking up early, well, except today hahaha. I just had my vaccine so I'm still feeling dazy. I also have my period the day after my vaccine so it was a double kill. Hays. Still thankful tho.

TM's baptism (my nephew) is just around the corner. Maybe because her Mother (my cousin) is too strict when it comes to him, I'm not that close and fond of him. He's also kind of reserved and rarely smiles soooo... I'm not that excited about this event. Oh well, I still love him tho. I hope I'll have fun :)

Thank you September for this fruitful Month! I am very blessed. Not only for this month but always. May October be as fruitful as you. :> Good byeeee!

See you on October!

Signing out

Kaye <3

End 9:24 P.M

[thinking-kaye]

SUNSETS

September 27, 2021 8:52 PM

"People are just as wonderful as Sunsets if you let them be. When I look at the sunset, I don't find myself saying "soften the orange a bit on a right hand corner." I don't try to control the sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds"

I am in my point of my life that everything I see a beautiful qoute, I try to reflect on it. That one I qouted above is not an exception. I immediately thought of my sister. It made me realize how I am so controlling over her. Maybe if I just let her be, maybe she too, will unfold in beautifully. So I've thought that time to maybe lie low a bit on scolding her.

How ironic it is that just this night, I already gave her an earful of outbursts. I admit I am harsh when it comes to her. I admit that I am too strict. I admit that I am not patient. I admit that I am too much. I feel like I am trying to force what I want on whatever she does. I want to finish all my works in one go, so I try to enforce it on her. I want to learn and absorb the lessons, so I told her so, unlovingly. I admit I am wrong and its actually making me sad. I myself don't know why I'm acting this way and maybe its my childhood trauma but I feel like my sister doesn't deserve this treatment from me.

I have actually thought of this in the past and also tried my best to change but there's just something about my sister that makes me snap. So today, once again, I promise to be a better sister for her.

I will not try to control her

I will not make decisions for her

I will not raise my voice on her

I will not let her do things she doesn't want

I will start to be nicer

I will start to help her in a loving way

I will keep in mind that she is still a kid trying to adjust in this cruel world

I will keep in mind that she is my sister

I can't help my tears to fall as I write this. I really don't understand myself why I'm acting that way toward her. It really bugs mind that I can be kinder to other children but not to her. I can be patient to other but not to her. In the bottom of my heart I am sorry. :<

To KI,

I'm really sorry for everything I have done. I know it's not justifiable to always be mad at you for little things. I want u to know that I know every little thing I've done and I am truly feeling bad over it. I just want you to know that I will always want what is best for you. I'm sorry for not being a good Ate to you ever since you were a child. I'm really sorry. One day, I'll know why I am acting this way. I promise. I'll try to consult professionals. But for now, the best thing I can do I to really discipline myself and really do my best to try.

Your Ate

- - - - - - -

My tears are overflowing right now Hahaha. This is another goal I have and hope I can accomplish. Remember Kaye to always be kind to everyone. To your Family, to your friends, to your neighbors, to the animals, to everyone you meet. But most especially, be kind to yourself. It's okay Kaye, you being aware of your actions is an amazing step. :> I'm proud of you. <3

Be calm. Be kind. and Let it Be

SIGNING OUT

Kaye

End 9:17 PM

[thinking-kaye]

GHOSTING

September 25, 2021 10:28 PM

Heyyy! *shyly pops* I know I said that I should write an entry every start of the month but *sighs*. I've been going thru some procrastination stage this past few weeks.

It's supposed to be my bed time but I have some stomach problem ;< I've already vomited for a couple of times now. I'm not really feeling well and I feel uneasy. I feel like I have an eating disorder. I used to a quite a lot before and would just feel fine. But now, whenever I ate too much and too quick, my stomach would act up. Is this the effect of my diet? My fitness journey has been a roller coaster ride and even up till now I'm trying to be on the healthier side but it's not really that easy. This is one of my goals and I know I can do it. (I hope so :>)

Moving on, As what I've said, I have been lacking discipline and would procrastinate most of time. This is also one of the things I should keep in mind to work on. This september had made me realize that I have to focus on myself more. This Month, just last week maybe. We went for a long ride on the way to Igbaras. I was kind of excited at that time cuz it's been a while. Biking has been my savior for the longest time. It has been a part of my life and I'm really happy whenever I'm doing it. But due to some people I have encountered under that hobby, it seems like I happen to compare and went to a point where I lose interest in biking. However, I have also realized why would I stop doing the things I love just because I know someone who does better at it right?

It doesn't mean how far or how fast I can go, as long as I get to do what I love doing then I'm fine. I'm proud of you self. I remember overthinking and feeling less whenever I go home after some time with them but now I know better.

This Month has been hmmm... A roller coaster ride. But still that's what makes this life more fun because of those ups and downs. I still have a long way to go towards my self-development, self-discovery, and self love but I have already taken the first steps. And that is the fact that I've chose to take that road.

I'm still thankful of everything I went through! All these experiences of mine won't go to waste as I will try to juice out the lessons and messages from it.

By the way, Happy anniversary To youuu Blog!!! Thank u for being my bestfriend, my shoulder to cry on, and most especially, thank you for being my listener. <3 I will try to write more :)

Also, Mama's Birthday is almost near! I'm excited to eat some foods and will try to dedicate an entry for her. I hope I can!!!

I'll go to my room now. Byeeee!!!

Signing out

KAYE

End 10:47 P.M

[thinking-kaye]

AUGoooosh! (Again) + should I work?

August 30, 2021 9:35 P.M

Helloooo there! August is about end. I hope all my unluckiness and mishaps will end to :( On the 1st of August, I broke my phone. I actually had it fixed and it was working fine; I am soooo happy that my smile almost reached my ears but then today something happened. I once again, broke my phone and the reason? I hope you will not laugh about this but the reason it broke is because I was about to dance this tiktok and it slipped my hand and boom! ridiculous right? I can't help but sigh deeply. My Papa is currently unemployed and I can feel that we are really struggling financially so I can't help to feel bad knowing that I will again speed money on my phone because of my carelessness. :( Because of that, I was thinking if I should work. I am really hesitating due to various reasons.

1. I have school

2. My sleeping schedule will be affected

3. My transportation

4. I have school

With that being said. my only and main concern is my school. I am quite afraid because I believe I will be having a hard time especially that I'm quite conscious with my grades. I also afraid of the fact that If I'll earn money, I will even consider to stop going to school. On the other hand, If I start working, I'll be able to help my parents as well as my family. I'll also be able to buy some of my needs and wants. I want to help and give a bit to my family. I heard that my Tito's motorcycle is not working well, that he have to follow a certain vehicle because his lights are not working. There's a lot of things I wanna do that I can only achieve whenI have money. I also want to give my Mom a birthday celebration she deserves. Now that I've grown old, I realize money really makes yhe world go round. Those who say that money can't make us happy, then give it to meeee! hahahaha. but one thing I have to keep in mind is to not let money consume me. Don't be greedy! okay? it will feel a bit of overwhelming if your already earning but just remember your reasons.

That's it for today! September's about to start! I hope it will be a refreshing and fruitful month! Although a lot of mishaps happened to me, I'm still thankful for all the blessings <3 Always look on the brighter side!

byeeee

- Kayeeee signing out

[thinking-kaye]

AUGosh

August 1, 2021 6:24 PM

Today is the 1st day of August. There’s a lot of things has happened on this specific day. I woke early around 6 A.M and decided to go out for a bike. I just pedalled through a loop here in our locality. I even checked if the bike shop was open to buy that bike part I need (Head set) but sadly it was not. I stopped by the market before I went home to buy our breakfast and I was sooo embarassed to realize that I brought my bike with me wearing a bike gear as well as my helmet in the Market. It was not a big deal, but I totally forgot that it was Market day Today since it was Sunday and it was packed with a lot of people and so everyone was staring at me. I did some errands and finally got home. My Mom and I had breakfast and after that I decided to check my plants, pulverized it and cleaned it a bit. Everything was going smoothly and I was kind of satisfied with how productive I have become. 

I took a quick nap after taking care of my plants and woke up with a message that we were invited for a Birthday lunch so we prepared and did our thing. About 3 o’clock in the afternoon, We were fetched by my cousin. We run some errands and I even bought that bike part in the bike shop. I was excited to get my bike done as well as meeting my friend so I quickly changed into my bike outfit as soon as I got home. I was about to go, when I realized that I was too overdressed wearing that bike gear because I was just about to go nearby. There, Ladies and Gentlemen, is my biggest regret today. I wish I didn’t change my clothes :( i wish I listened to my mom to choose that sturdy plastic bag. *SIGHS* Because of that my phone is now cracked. The plastic bag I used bust out which caused my phone and the bike part I’m carrying to fall down in the middle of the streets. There was this orange car following behind me and I signaled for it to transfer to the other lane, but I guess the driver didn’t understand :( I don’t know what to feel at that moment and decided to just go on because I was too embarrassed since there are passerby. I also decided not to just go to the bike repair shop and my friend’s house because I can feel that I was about to break down. So I went home, and Immediately as I went in, my tears fell like a river. It breaks my heart really, since that phone means a lot to me. In addition to that, I also think that there will be another money to spend which I don’t like. My father hasn’t come back to work yet and I can feel that somehow we are struggling with money. :( I’m so sorry, Pa. I feel so sad because that phone was a result of my Papa’s hard work and It was now almost crushed to pieces. I’ll try my best to find a way. I keep reminding myself that there’s no one to blame but me for not being so cautious and careful. 

I also just wanna put it here, that before all that incident with my phone, I was already feeling kind of down because at the birthday party I attended, My cousins mentioned about me not being with my biker friends anymore and they told me they went to this place and all that. I’m not actually jealous or maybe I am but It just makes me sad that they didn’t really wanna include me and didn’t bother to invite me. I felt so left out and I feel so hurt. This is also why I’m looking forward to have my bike repaired and got to my friend’s house for me not to overthink but that incident with my phone happened. :(  I was still in the process of healing (about being left out) and I tell you that it’s not easy. 

Although all of that mishaps happened, I also wanna highlight all the good things that has happened. First is that, I get to eat and enjoy breakfast with my Mom. Secondly, I get to reconnect with nature since I took care of my plants this morning. Thirdly, I get to spend time with my Family because of that birthday party. Then, I get to buy that bike part I really need. Lastly, is that I get to arrived home safely. My mom told me that it’s okay that my phone was broken because I was safe and nothing happened to me and that really comforted me. Thanks, Ma. :) 

I can’t really turn back time but what I can do is to learn from it. I have learned to be cautious of my belongings especially if its the important ones, to not be too complacent. I have also learned not to look at others lawn and compare my grass to them. I need to plant in my head that I don’t deserve to force myself to people just for me to reach places. There will come a time that It’ll be my turn to get to the place I desire without forcing or manipulating anything. 

I’m still thankful of everything that’s happened to me. Maybe it just have to happen for me to learn things and maybe to open new doors, we will never know. but what I know is to take a step forward and think that all of that occurrences will make me a better person.

HELLOOO AUGUST. It’s your first day but I feel like I’ve road a rollercoaster ride. Nevertheless, I wish for it to be a fruitful, productive, and full of healing Month for all of us. 

Ths is Kayeee signing out! byeeee 7:15 P.M

[thinking-kaye]

TAKE AWAYS FROM MY ONLINE CLASS DURING THIS PANDEMIC

1. DON'T PRESSURE YOURSELF

- this one I have to learn the hard way. I have a couple of break downs and unbelievable decisions before realizing this one; That I shouldn't pressure myself. If you ever scroll down my blog, I have posted a handfull of entries all which is related to school. I tend to get hard on myself and force myself to finish activities and assignments although I know that I'm tired and drained. This leads us to numer two.

2. TAKE A BREAK

- taking a break doesn't mean I'm being too nonchalant. A break is a must. It is a compulsory. It is a need. I felt like If I take break before, I'd be wasting time instead of finishing my tasks. So I have learned the art of taking a break as a reward for my hardwork. Of course we should know the limits of taking break. Hahaha

3. YOU ONLY HAVE YOURSELF

-I think this is what college is all about. Being independent and not relying on others. When there's a certain activity or lesson I don't understand, instead of seeking the answers or the specific topics - I search how to answer the questions and task as well as the informations about our lessons. I have classmates who I can run to, but as much as I can -I do things by myself.

4. BE OPEN

- as much as I emphasize to be independent being friends and interacting with your classmates is also a must. Just be open. If they ask for questions and answers from me I try to cater and give what I can and say otherwise if I can't. It's just that easy. Just don't be pretentious. Be open.

5. ENJOY!

- This new platform of Education is not hard for everyone including of course the teachers. But instead of sulking about the fact that we can't have face to face classes, why can't we just turn the tables around and enjoy? I think this could be under the silverlinings amidst this Pandemic. I find it fun talking with my classmates, debating about the answers and the instructions, spilling tea about the teachers, working on some tasks as a group, and just talking randomly on the Groupchat.

This is my take aways from my experience in this online schooling due to the Pandemic. Although I believe the list of disadvantages and setbacks are quite longer than this but isn't it better to focus on the positive things? :) This year has its ups and downs. Yes we should focus on the positive but let's not forget about the hardships, because that's what helps us become a better version of ourselves. I'm thankful for this year, being able to step forward and move on is already an Achievement.

This is the first year college Kaye BSDC 1-A of WVSU , Signing off! Wishing you all the best for the coming years Kaye! Just do your best and don't ever ever give up. Fiiiigting!!

[thinking-kaye]

IT'S BEEN A WHILE

July 18, 2021 10:33 P.M

HEEEY!! Just like what the title says, it's been a while. My last entry was almost a Month ago and I didn't even have the time to write my monthly entry which I do every first day or week of the month. To start with, My first year being a college student have been wrapped up when we submitted our last output for the Finals. I think this is also the reason why I didn't get to write an entry since I was busy with our finals on the first week of July. Around 5th of July, My dad went to Manila and I feel kind of off... for the lack of better word. We've already had a routine here and it's kinda weird not having him around. Although there flight got canceled, and it gave us a chance to really enjoy since there was a celebration on the same day they will go, I still feel like a bit sad. With that being said, I was not feeling well just the day after my dad was away from home. On the brighter side, all before I was sick and my dad went away, I also had an injury from my biking hobby so It gave me a reason to say "No" to my... hmmmm.. ex best friend and some of my biker friends. I really find them draining and I think I'm being kind of toxic around with them so I decided it's better for me to distance myself to them. Not that it was hard since I felt like i was always being left out, and there times I felt like I don't belong in that specific group. I am still having hard time till now. Seeing there pictures on social media really had this big effect on me which resulted to me uninstalling facebook in particular. I'm so proud of myself for being able to say No although it was hard for me as well as taking a step back and distancing a bit from things that drains my energy. I'm proud of you Kaye! I am now reminding myself that I can do things without depending on them. Ihave done this before and so I believe I'll get through this now. Moving on, My Mom also got sick so I have to exert extra effort here in our house, like helping in household chores and helping my Mom in her business and all that stuff. Since I was still also fresh from sickness, I find it hard to eat heavy meals so my Mom and I decided to eat together this past few days and I think we got more closer. In addition, I'd like to talk about my health in general, before I was sick, I have already slowly built a habit of waking up early and going out for bike but it all went to drain when I got ill. I'm now trying to pick it up again but the weather's not cooperating. It's a cuddly kind of weather, and I just want to snuggle in my sheets. Nevertheless, I still try to work out and bike. Just keep on going kaye! Little steps at a time will bring you at a great distance.

Lastly, I wanna talk about what I've been feeling. I feel like I've been in the dark and now I'm slowly making my way to the light but sometimes I falter. I've been overthinking, and doing things I don't want to do like gossiping and all that but I'm trying my best to be a better person. It's okay Kaye. :> Just be consistent and keep going.

Just this evening, My sister said she was feeling sick and I hope she'll be better soon. In these times, we can't afford to be sick. :( The situation now is not progressing, it seems like its getting worse. But let's not lose hope :) Someday, everything will be fine.

That would be all! Hopefully, I'll be able to write my end-of-the-month entry hehe. Goor Nayt!

This is Kaye! Signing off. Mwuaaah :*

End | 11:02

[thinking-kaye]

SISTER THINGS

June 24, 2021 11:04

Today I told myself the I will sleep early. I was about to go to bed when I randomly decided to open my photo history on my Papa's home and I've seen a lotnof old photos. Photos I never knew existed. Including there was my sisters pictures when she was just a toddler. Watching her pictures from when she was younger, brought tears to my eyes. I just cannot believe the fact that she has grown. She has grown so fast like she was so different 2 years ago. It might sound bad, but now I cannot even fool her hahahaha. I order her around before and she would just follow but now she can stand on her own, she can even reason out now. The clothes she used to like is far from what she's wearing now. She's just so... different. Those differences made me realize that she has grown so much and it just kinda made me sad. Not because I can't fool her anymore or anything but, I just miss her being a baby. I called her to my room and she walked in me crying my eyes out and even sobbing hard. Seeing her baby pictures just made me realize a lot of things. My relationship with my sister is kind of complicated and I don't want it to be that way. With that being said, i now promise to be good to her, to be gentle with her, to be more more more patient with her,and to show her how much I love her.

I may sound like I'm sometimes teasing her a bit too much, but I now realize it's because I'm uncomfortable with the fact that she's different and has grown up. I love my sister, and I'll always want the best for her. I'm going to sleep now! Good nayt!