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thinkingcloud · 2 years ago

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12/30/2022

Today..I Dropped off my BF…I use that term loosely well I guess rather loosely after recent events.

Anywho..I looked at the ring and realized it’s one round diamond and gold band. None of the details or what I had mentioned to the after a road trip to visit his sister. Mind your this was 2-3 years ago when. We took this drive. It had been. After a talk about his brother in law upgrading his sisters ring for their..anniversary.

So..if I rewind to 12/2021.. I was in Germany to visit the BF for the holiday season. 2-3 Days before I was suppose to fly back home..he had a surprise for me after a long drive/road trip. I wasn’t expecting anything considering his usual joking antics. However there was a ring..(now cue you get what you ask god for its in his time) so..before I left for said trip..I ask god if he was the person I was suppose to be with to give me a sign.. Yeah..I didn’t know that was it.

Of which I told him I don’t need a flashy ring because I’m not trying to get mobbed or have it stolen and second I want to be able to wear it was often as possible.

I had a few rules before proposals.

1.No Crazy displays

2.Blessings must be had by Both sets of Parents

3.Ring Metals had to be silver,Platinum or White Gold and if we felt fancy Rose Gold. But no gold.

4. A preferred Halo setting and a diamond preferred 1-2 Karats. Not much larger I have a small hand and everything would look crazy

That was it…here is what I got.

I want to be with you forever with Mister Wa(Stuffie Watermelon) that was given to me after our 1st Year anniversary of dating. Who was wearing the ring.

So while processing the wrong color band of this ring the size of the diamond. No getting down on one knee no professing of love and will you marry me.

I said the following… (Insert slightly Selfish Response)

uM..what is this..is this happening? What do you mean is this a Joke? Are you for real?

I said you didn’t get down on one knee, did you even ask for my parents blessing? Do they know? Do your parents know? I am suppose to be in tears you’d don’t even profess anything. I know your not a man of many words but if you can’t say anything to me how do I know how you feel? How do I know you step out of your comfort zone because you care and you want things to work?

I had never been so confused by a proposal that I said I will keep this as a promise ring if you want me to keep it but I am not saying yes until you’ve done the simple things I had ask along time ago. Also.. I need to know that what we have can uphold the symbol of this ring and that we will be one entity and that we will grow with each other and supply each other. I want a lasting marriage because I’ve seen others who have longevity and I want that. I don’t want to make a mistake like others and rush and regret it. I want to know that you are going to be my partner and my other half if I say yes.

That night I went to bed sad,confused and slightly depressed. I would be returning home soon where no one would know what happened. Most expected it but no one would know.

Flash forward to the next year 2 days ago I got a small wrapped box. Thinking nothing of it. since I had received my Christmas gift which as an unexpected Apple Watch. On my mind was hmMm guess he forgot my Christmas Gift. I didn’t expect much I told myself he would propose again when he thought he should.

Recap to events.

Apparently he asked both my parents separately because I was always present. So I guess communication didn’t travel well between the both of them.2nd he received the ring a few days before since he apparently had it run an errand while my parents ate crab legs..mind you he was late so I had to wait to eat.

Come to find out he had ordered the ring and it just arrived. It was suppose to arrive in time for us to go to the Harry Potter Hidden Forest Where he was suppose to propose during this trail. Because he knows how much I love Harry Potter and how excited I was that we were going to be able to go.

Flashing forward we still haven’t told anyone. Mother is. Prying and literally confused about all things proposal/engagement. No one again knows because I have told no one because the ring got mailed off to be sized. I have yet to make an announcement/take photos because my hands are dry and my nails aren’t done.

There is way to much to consider and think about. Engagement photos,announcements, wedding planning,budgets, future plans for homes, this is wild.

I have no ideA…what 2023 is going to do but I have a feeling it’s opening doors I didn’t even know. More on that in another post.

So..that’s where my thoughts are today.

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thinkingcloud · 3 years ago

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Yep.. today I remembered why I avoid malls.. but it’s always a good wake up call.

1) Adolescent teens..who think they are woke because society hasn’t hit them in the face yet.

The males who are trying to be cool cause society says so. Or to meet that IG girl from that photo.

Females living your “best life”. While dressed like I’m going to a rave or some music festival because it so hot outside. Or I couldn’t afford the other half of the material so…i can’t be fully clothed. (Insert no no envy) cause I’m totally cool with your in shape show your figure oh wait are we at the gym? Oh wait no it’s I have to find my IG bf.

2) the ethnic folks who are visiting or just recently made residence here who have wealth or who have come by money or who are looking to create wealth.

3) free birds..people with no bounds just mindless freedom.

4)The internet influence on full display. Discussed above…I’m not judging okay maybe I am but that’s cause I’m trying to understand the meaning.

5)The image of rich an opulent culture. Look these are pretty get them don’t worry you can afford it there is klarna…

Observers. Those that have dreams and instead of working for what they want they sit and wait for an opportunity to take someone else’s.

Those willing to take what is not theirs because it’s easier to take then to work for what you deserve. Why not punish others for having what you want.

The mall is an example of society as a whole.

When you leave the mall you realize the peace and calm on the outside a break from the chaos within.

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thinkingcloud · 3 years ago

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5.18.2022

I was close…I almost survived today..nope god you wanted to throw another tolerance test my way…

Of course.. emotional stability.. failed

Fatigued/irritation/frustration

I dealt with everything…and yet no still got caught still got scorned and yet not a I understand perhaps next time. No it’s always my fault it always it’s you.

Nope fail to prepared get blamed I get to 2 way street solve the issue but no it’s never solved it’s more a punishment it always is.

I’m done.

Titles mean nothing to me. Thank god for this business that. Doesn’t care what your background is. You a human and not defined by a pin or title. You earn respect and recognition.

When your tired of peoples lies. You longer tolerate the bs. I’m tired and mentally exhausted.

Don’t offer help. It’s not welcome.!

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thinkingcloud · 3 years ago

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Questions to Ask Yourself Related to Self Love

So.. it's been a while..okay maybe a couple of weeks...However it's never a bad time for reflection. For some reason, it's easier for me to type out my thoughts than to write them with a pen. perhaps is easier because then i don't have to focus too much on words on a page but I can just write out loud by typing. ore perhaps it's more of a focus thing where grammar and spacing don't really make too much of a difference and i can freely write without hand cramps. Or it helps my mind think faster. Who knows...but I decided to ask myself these multitudes of questions to reflect on myself and give me a starting point to further reflection.

1. Do I believe I’m worthy of good things like love and happiness?

Well...I do think i am worthy of good things that include love and happiness...perhaps.. I've been told too many times that I am not.

Try having your parents tell you...

no one wants you your too fat.. you're going to be an ugly bride if you don't lose weight.

You shouldn't have kids you wouldn't know how to take care of them

You cant even take care of yourself.

How will you financially live you still are at home?

How can you afford certain things?

Who would want to marry you? Who would love you?

Hm... I don't know sounds like nobody since apparently, that is what I reflect.

2. In what ways do I show love for myself?

I tell myself postitive things. Attempt to reflect on things to be grateful for.

3. Do I speak up when I feel I’m not getting what I deserve?

I try...keyword is trying because sometimes when you tell others what you deserve will not change their minds...

4. How comfortable am I with saying “no” to things or people who don’t bring me joy?

Difficult...because I am someone who will always try to see the better in people. Perhaps they do not bring me joy...Things that don't bring me joy probably need a change in perspective because things that don't bring you joy should be avoided. But saying no is never easy.

5. Do I feel guilty if I put my needs first?

Yes...because when your selfish...guilt creeps in. Or pehaps I am not really sure what my needs are to put myself first

6. When was the last time I felt beautiful? Smart? Or powerful?

probably..some time in high school when I was a bit fitter..I dont think i ever felt smart.partially becuase I compared the knoweldge I accquire to others..Powerful..not really sure I have ever felt that way...I always saw myself as an underdog.

7. If someone tells me I’m not good enough, how would I respond?

I'm sorry that you see my that way and perhaps that is your opinion however I see myself as good enough for me and that is what matters. Your opinions dont matter unless they are to help me improve upon myself. Your thoughts dont help me change. Thoughts are normally a relfection of self.

8. If someone tells me I’m amazing, how would I respond?

Thank you for your kind words. you too are amazing and keep doing what your doing.

9. How often do I apologize, even when it’s not my fault?

Often, and that is because although I am not at fault.. taking responsibility for actions even though they are not your own show more courtesy and boldness.

10. How often do I take on other people’s problems as if they were my own?

Sometimes often..the reason is because when you care about others...you put yourself in their shoes...hoping to help them solve the issue. Althought it may be a problem they can solve by themselves.

11. When was the last time I told myself “good job”?

Not sure I have...perhaps I have just been more thankful of faith and God then anything else.

12. How often do I spend time and energy taking care of myself versus taking care of others?

i'm not sure I can really answer this question. I dont think i really have spent time on myself.

Questions to Ask Yourself Related to Happiness

13. What are the top 5 things that bring a smile to my face?

Others that I can help bring a smile too or help effect in a postive way

Puppies...they are so darn cute.. okay maybe just cute stuff in general

New and amazing taste... I love food so when there is a new flavor experience or just a reminder of something good

Being around postive and uplifiting people

Sense of stillness... strange but its just silence..

14. How do I define the meaning of “joy”?

Joy... I think is a feeling a general state of just happiness. It just feels good inside and outside.

15. How important is my own happiness?

Honestly... i thnk this has been out in the backburner in that I dont htink I've ever truly understood by own happiness.. It's like you want to see yourself happy but your to wrapped un in the details to actually see how you feel or how to reflect on that.

16. When was the last time I laughed so hard my belly ached?

I'm sure that have been many times. I'm not sure exactly but I think it was a month ago...its probably something I said where I was the only one laughing...but its okay humor isnt bad.

17. How often do I have a positive experience versus a negative experience?

I think mine have been more negative and that is because the persoective I usually have has been negative. I have been tyring to put htings in a different perspective to make sure that the experience that was negative I reflect on what was actually positive that could out weight the negative

18. How content am I with life in general?

I would say I am not content and that is because I know that there is more capability. To be content is to stay the same mediocrity average and why be content? Those who adapt evolve and change makes you appeciate things more. If you cannot adapt by being content...Content doesnt allow change.

19. How would I answer the question “I’ll be happy when…”?

When I can finally silence all the noise.If I can find my own inner peace that allows for me to be happy and reflect on being better.

20. What’s preventing me from being truly happy now?

I have not found a way to be who I want to be...I have allowed the distractions and opinion of others reflect who I am. Instead of embracing who I am...Thoughts and opinions who try to mold me into who they want me to be and not who I truly am.

21. What am I doing to increase my happiness?

I am going to reflect on myself...To change what I think needs to be changed so That I can be who it is I am meant to be. I will try to do things that bring me happiness and disconnect from things that don't

22. Do I have any regrets that I can’t let go?

I dont think I have regrets persay...I mean everyone has them but are they really enough to be things that we regret? I mean we cannot really get back the time that was lost or the experienes that we shouldve had. So its time to let go.

23. When was the last time I let myself have a good cry?

I dont think i've had a good cry...I think i've had tears for situations that have hit me...I mean most reflections upset me because the truth hurts.

24. What does a “happy life” look like in my mind?

Happy life...looks like a home that I look at and realize how much though had been place to create it. A family that appeciates the experiences and the quality time. It's creating traditions and having fun and love being around each other. Being able to embrace my creativity and loving things but able to let them go if need be.

25. How do I bring happiness to other people’s lives?

By helping them achieve their goals and dreams...or by simply providing the simple joys that they would like. Or helping to influence them in a more positive direction

26. Would my friends describe me as a “positive person”?

Not yet...and that is because I have not shown them that side of me.

27. When was the last time I found the “silver lining” in a bad situation?

I think I normally try to...but most of the time its suriving the situation

28. How do I express gratitude?

I will usually try to provide a gift.Or try to bless the person who has blessed me..I'm still working on this.

29. If I were to describe 3 things I’m grateful for right now, what would they be?

A roof over my head, food to consume, and support system from those that care.

30. Do I believe I’m responsible for my own happiness? Why or why not?

Yes...no one can bring you happiness...not really.. Happiness is not an object...its a feeling its not alive. So really the only one responsible is self. Keyword is my own... well if it is yours...then how can someone else be responsible? As a mentor told me if you OWN it..then it is yours you feed it, you water it becuase if you dont...it dies.

Questions to Ask Yourself Related to Resilience and Mindset

31. How do I respond to a tough challenge that really tests my limit?

I naturally over analyze so i have to know the details and I have to know the tools available. Which is why tough challanges throw me in a loop beucase I will overthink so much that the challange then becomes why I made things so tough and complicated in my mind which then cloud my plan of action.

When instead...I find my own facts and take whatever it is head on.

32. How long does it usually take for me to bounce back from failure?

A while...becuase I tend to dwell on things that were not successful trying to analayze the situation the details what was suppose to go correctly what did I do?

33. True or false: It takes a lot to knock me down.

FALSE, Because I allow things to knock me down instead of standing up to it. Being resourceful to actually stand my ground

34. What am I more afraid of? Failure, or the regret of not trying?

Tought call because it has been all of thes throughout my whole life. I always afraid to fail because it would disappoint my family.

Regret...I have alot of the time because of my lack of boldness..what couldve or shouldve because I was afraid of making a mistake or I had a fear of what could go wrong. Most of these things were in my head.

Not trying... well i think this would be more in certain situations because I would have regret before not trying something which is why I would try somethign so I dont have the regret.

So I think my fear is more of regret or failure. Regret because it is more reflecting. Failure you cannot fail if you didnt try. But if you dont try you have regret. So really regret i think brings me more fear but the fear of failure brings more reality to me.

35. How adaptable am I to changing circumstances and environments?

I like to think of myself as adaptable..Because you sometimes cannot change all your circumstances and if you are not in control of them the only thing you can do is adapt.

36. How often do I tell myself “I can’t”?

Often...and that is beacuse I let my mind think too much to the point of talking myself out of it,

37. When was the last time I encountered a frustrating situation and what did I do to make it better?

Everyday...and I dont think i have truly made it better,

38. Do I believe I have control over how I feel and the experiences I have in life?

I do..however beleive it no. i dont htink I do...and that is because I have chosen not to take the responsibikity necessary to control my experiences. Be it positve or negative is my choice. i have to choose how to feel and whether I let my feelings dictate the expereinces.

39. When was the last time I felt really disappointed or hurt? What helped me overcome it?

I think it was honestly...waiting for a moment that I had thought about...and when it came...I was more disappointed because I didnt see the value of what it was. I'm still overcoming it.

40. How often do I complain?

Frequently because I forget...i cannot control everything and that complaing doesnt solve issues.

41. When was the last time I solved a tough problem and what did I learn from it?

I'm not sure what the problem was...But I have a feeling I just dealt with wht was a hand and I did what I could.

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thinkingcloud · 3 years ago

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01.03.2022

Today is the third day of 2022. The first 2 days have felt like 2021 and perhaps it’s true in order to change your year must be willing to make a change.

I’m not sure if there is an excuse to feeling down or depressed or just plain low energy sloth like but perhaps the funk is due to perspective. It’s not even half way through this year and I feel sad and unhappy.

What happens to new year new mindset new life….isn’t the past supposed to be behind me?

Maybe it’s the case of the Mondays or monthly things or perhaps my depression and anxiety have just gotten out of control. Just tired of being upset.

The Day is still young so I pray god has better plans this year and maybe I’m just taking a slower start.

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thinkingcloud · 4 years ago

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10.07.2021

Today my boss decided to have a huddle.. and he likes to say you know I have your guys back right?!

No the answer is no you don’t…because at the end of the day you look out for you and your paycheck. No my well being not my stress. Understanding me and asking me what you can do to alleviate or help me that’s having my back. Saying you have my back does not show me you have my back.

Lead by example show me that if you can that I can.Until then do not claim to have my back.

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thinkingcloud · 4 years ago

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10.28.2021

Today I witness the celebration of an amazing life of a friend. She was everyone’s joy and energy. I got to see the women behind the personality. The family she raised the snippet of the impact she made when she was present.

I realize that it is god’s blessing to have someone who sees the joy in life and chooses to help other pass it on. We are suppose to live a joyous life so that we can help others cope with the whirlwind of difficulties.

Today was tough to know this truly was goodbye for now. But the hardest part is to not see your in your joy and embrace but to see calm and peace with stillness of your strength.

I was not able to put closure because I wanted my last memory of you to be of joy and not of sorrow. Even thought right now your up there singing and dancing and greeting everyone with warm hugs.

I am forever grateful to know you and be blessed by your presence.

You brought me to a full circle that I didn’t know I needed.

Thank you my friend for your time and for your love.

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thinkingcloud · 4 years ago

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9.12.2021

Yesterday Heaven gained an amazing angel. I write this post as I just saw the news posted about a former coworker of mine Linda. She was the kindest soul I’ve ever met with the heart of gold and a smile her face with a glowing presence that would light up any room.

She was an amazing listener and always made time to give you a long hug or comfort you in need. When I first her she was experiencing symptoms again from her cancer I knew I should’ve written a note should kept her constantly in my prayers but I didn’t. I figured it didn’t matter. But what if that could’ve just brought another smile to her?

She wouldn’t have wanted anyone to shed tears or be sad. She would want you to smile keep your chin up and just live in happiness for her.

I write this because I know I won’t every get to hear there’s my LanChi come give me a hug...I missed you girl it’s been awhile.

Linda if your listen up there with God.. thank you for being my guardian when I was at work. You listen you help me realize my worth and you just let me vent. I should’ve ask you more about what you loved and how you wanted to live. I should’ve seen you more to see you smile.

Thank you Linda for your life wisdoms and confidence in my that I didn’t seem to see myself. I will miss you but I know that your partying in a better place celebrating all those you have touched with your presence that you for your friendship.

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thinkingcloud · 4 years ago

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3/27/2021

Reflection.

Breathe..today was a a friends memorial by a friend I mean my bf’s brother in law. He was a good personal overall he had good and bad days just like normal folks. However he was suffering more then others knew. He was always kind and welcoming to me and we always had very interesting conversations. I enjoyed his enthusiasm for things.

I cried thinking about possible closure and. Seeing his wife speak about how she would miss him and things she would miss.

I looked all those who were physically present but then thought I wonder how many are actually watching livestream especially since he was so active on the online community.

I kept thinking what other projects were unfinished and that perhaps this was some crazy story. But when the service was over I realized this was it. Here was another life that still have more to do.

But it also showed me how perhaps in the moment things feel like they will have more value in the future but we sometimes forget the present to live in the now. By that I don’t mean the fancy items but I mean just being physically present. We sometimes forget our minds wander and we end up in different places.

Mental health is huge and because I’m so empathetic towards others I think about the potential and the possibilities. I think of the what could’ve been. What could I have done. Only to know that I can’t control minds. But it is a reminder to always listen.

God always has the answer..even if we don’t understand.

He brought me a buisness team...that are like family because they want to know where your going and they want to help you get there. They don’t judge you but they see you where you cannot are yourself and that’s god’s gift show others believe what you can be so that they can help you see who your are suppose to be. Touch those your suppose to be with. Relate to those who need you the most.

Stories are what speak to Others it’s what you do with those stories that others learn from.

The last memorial service was for my uncle...we was an interesting man...he always asked do you have a boyfriend yet and why not? Good he would say go to school. Someone I overlooked his presence.

Before that was a nephew of mine who I saw barely holding on before he was taken. I was too late to say goodbye.

Memorials in general are difficult due to reflection people I knew or knew of but only knew snippets or their lives.

I know that I am meant for bigger things. I just don’t want a legacy where I wasn’t able to help those who weren’t able to see the potential in themselves.

Tonight I tried to share my background and instead I shared a bit of my story. I forgot this was suppose to be light hearted. Instead I shared a reflection.

I guess the talk about loss is not easy perhaps for me it’s abandonment. I’m not sure.

I always say I’m going to change things for those that touched me. But perhaps this was it.

No more projects just finished task.

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thinkingcloud · 4 years ago

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3/21/2021

I am rather surpised that this is my first post of 2021...perhaps i have slacked and forgotten to write things down. its harder to write things on pen in paper then it is to type. maybe its becauses its less permanent and I can analyze more of what is written.

there really isnt any erasers...in pen..which is why you sign things in pen and its called penmenship...

so as i reflect on today. I did not realize how much loss triggers my anxiety and depression. I m not really sure why it causes it but anytime there is a sense of loss..i have trouble coming to terms with it. Which may explain why i became such a pack rat. I cant seem to let things go because I do not know where they will end up. Perhaps its an empathy thing where i feel liek everything should or could have a place.

some people or able to creatively repurpose things because they see potential in everything. another mans trash is another mans treasure they say.

i think that the monstrosity of items that I have has caused a cluttering of the mind. when i lose things its because I didnt know where i lost them or how i lost them. I dont have any sense of what items I do have until I remember them.

I had this reflection over the weekend as I visited my bf's sister home. Here I was walking down the stairs...so used to being esorted down there to see the lastest projects of what her husband was working on. Never really understanding the interworkings of how he saw things but knowing that seeing it in its full form would be something I wouldve never thought of.

But something felt strange. the feeling of ""unfinished". which seemed to be the topic...unfinished projects, buisness, ideas.

That I think hit me the most is that unfinished things seem to bother me a bit. But then agian its funny because I seem to have a lot of unfinished projects.

But somehow...I understand this mindset. Trust me my bf is not the apple that falls far from the tree.. Im guessing he taught himself to be the opposite of his parents in that they were huge pack rats and he told himself that he couldn't stand more junk. If he didn't need it he was throwing it out. I wish i had that mindset to let go. Perhaps taht is what I seek most is peace of mind and organization.

The problem is if you cannot let go of things...how can you possible start to organize. easier said than done.

Back to that basement...so..after seeing the shear about of items scattered around and realizing we just walked into someones brain...without knowing it.

But it showed me...objects may hold only the value you see...I think it gave me more motivation to sort through things. Prehaps it is truly time to let go fo waht does not hold value. Recycle what must be recycled and repurposed. The longer I hold on to things that do not help me move forward the harder it is to move anywhere.

I figured this would help be myself reflection for today.

Perhaps i will continue writing later one...consistently. More thoughts tomorrow as this post is getting far too extended.

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thinkingcloud · 4 years ago

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12.25.2020

Oh hello, it’s been awhile..as you can see it’s Christmas. I originally was going to post in IG but decided this need more of an out reach so...here it goes 2020 kinda of a crazy time really. Recap to come it’s a long story.

Today I got the chance to watch one of my fave Christmas time movies A Charlie Brown Christmas. The reason I love that movie is because it talks about a holiday that sis so commercialized that we forget the true meaning of Christmas. It helps ground me in the chaos that is society. It reminds you to see the beauty is small things no matter how it may appear.

“For behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

This year was no different.

I got to spend Christmas Day Watching movies via discord with my bf of 5 years.

Grateful to have an option in these times especially since he is not only a continent away but a whole time zone.

Grateful to have lunch with my family and a mom that made bun rieu.

Grateful for A father that is able to walk agian after hip surgery.

Grateful for A brother who is not infected with COVID and that is healthy.

Grateful parents that are healthy and home with a roof.

Grateful A job that I am able to do even if others are ungrateful.

Grateful to be apart of an amazing buisness that gives you hope and others hope.

Grateful to be in buisness with people who see you as you can be and not as you are.

I am so blessed this year to have a family that doesn’t judge you by the gifts you give or the amount you give. We just appreciate the gifts. My family always puts god and family above all. I am so thankful and blessed to have a family that will always love each other. I’m so grateful that things that have plagued others have not plagued mine. I pray that ego and money does not play a role in our decisions. I trust in God’s plan that he will look our for my family and those I care about to protect them from harm that may come. I hope to not be blinded by the ignorance of society and to realize that the greatest gift is the option to bless others. Thank you god for always showing me what can be and how it should be. Thank you for having the grey area to question what is right and wrong. Thank you for creating the postive word for those who just looking for more than what they were given.

I haven’t ever been really religious but in the past couple of years I realized that god is no respecter of persons and that if you ask for his blessings they will come when your ready. He speaks to those who will listen. I am ready to listen now.

Today Christ was born. The Savior with tidings and great joy.

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