thirdeyeviolinst-blog

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whats up fuckers? its been a while.. well i finally figured out what email was attached to this account

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I’m Crushed

it’s her again. that lovely being. 

I found out that she was going to get married but it didn't work out, so I was hoping that meant she was single

I just found out that she has a boyfriend... I don’t know how to deal with it. shes helped me in so many ways this past week. shes my mental support. the only one whom I can have a serious conversation with. 

I feel as if I'm part of her life and she's part of mine. but I just don't know. the fact that she has a boyfriend is bothersome.  

I really like her hugs but I'm too afraid to just ask her for a hug. I always come into her classroom and say “I need a hug” or “can I have a hug” shes kinda like my second mom. I wish she knew that. she knows more about me than my mom and understands me

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you know i find this topic interesting 

Notes on sacred geometry

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Music is on your side... most of the time

soo science sucks. we watched a boring video on climate change. it might be interesting for some but not for me. at that time, i was feeling fine. just waiting for orchestra. 

so the period ends and I head to orchestra. when I walked in it was loud but not too loud. 

but as I headed towards my chair it got louder. I tried to ignore it and got my instrument. I covered my ears once I got back to my chair. 

the noise

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

my stomach started hurting along with my head, but I ignored it. 

my stomach was tightening up with each breath that I took. 

I thought it was from binding but I remembered that I didn’t bind today and that your breasts are on your chest, not your stomach. (stupid... I know)

the noise trigged something in my mind to have an anxiety attack. but I didn't know that I was having one because it never happened before

I turned to my stand partner and said I cant breath

he took me to the nurse and she said I was fine its just an anxiety attack.

it lasted 20 mins so I missed orchestra. she had to call my mom so I could calm down

I wish music helped at that time

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Laughing is good

...unless you’re in school and you're laughing hysterically then almost fall off your chair

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LOTIUM circulus in vobis

I've lost myself, wandering through my thoughts, crying my self to sleep, I try to stay positive

it's her, I miss her

each week, 5 days a week at most, 3 times a day at the least. but I cant

I miss her hugs

tomorrow, ill see her, I will try not to cry

nor use my sense of smell, it may destroy our relationship her hair smells good. if only she knew my love for her

its a new week, every week I must remind myself I will see her tomorrow. every Monday I say “Aya, don’t let this week be fucked up”

she could get into trouble cuz of me... but I love her.

age why should it matter, its love, if only I could tell her without getting in trouble, I know. but I love her, she's pretty, smart, funny, kind and so fuckin’ cool

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people might have not been there when i needed them but music always have and will

The past week was shitty. my teachers and “friends” have made me cry. 8th period i have orchestra. i feel calm and safe when in that room but yesterday i didn’t. we didn’t play. i cried the whole 50 mins. 

my mind started to wander. I let it think it might distract me. however, it didn’t. in fact it distracted me from what I was upset about by bringing in sad, deep thoughts. it only made me cry more. my thoughts took over.

 my neckless that i never took off that my “girlfriend” gave me. it brought sad memories of my ex-girlfriend .shortly after I gave her a neckless we split up.I didn’t want it to happen again. so I had to remove it.