thirdworldnoize

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"mirror mirror on my phone, who's the baddest?

✨ us, hello? ✨"

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best part of KPop Demon Hunters is all the ridiculous faces the girls make

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Mira’s turn to let her hair free~ (plus some alternate hairstyles for fun!)

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Mira in glasses save me

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Another reflection based on music

…and why I need to work on my lack of patience for a new friend who deserves better

Part 1: Welcome to my Life by Simple Plan

Coming back to this song makes me feel like a puppy being potty-trained by being pushed head first into their piss. Nevertheless, if I’m going to do this right, I have to come back to this song that for years I have considered pathetic. Right off the bat, I know the reason why I consider this song pathetic is because I look back at myself crying to that song on the headphones of my Walkman discman, and think that that’s who was pathetic. I’m older now, and I’ve gotten better at feeling compassion for past versions of myself. I honestly needed to come back to it once and for all, because it’s long overdue to put respect into that 13 year old girl who didn’t feel she belonged not even next to the next best thing of a best friend she could get at that age. Even at that age, I still thought the lyrics of this song were exceedingly dramatic, but there wasn’t a better option of a song that would do. Picture this: Ecuador, 2005. Autistic girl knows she’s autistic but nobody understands what that means or is willing to believe that. Autistic girl is also a baby dyke who won’t accept it til she’s 17. Small town won’t provide many options of company other than the classist classmates she has, or the community at the church who welcome everyone under the premise that in due time they will be indoctrinated enough that they will make themselves fit into their dogma. Teenager classmates are very uninteresting and though she doesn’t fit in, even if she did, she’s aware she would feel bored to death with their lore. So, you get the picture. Something that will happen to enough people at that age, actually. Not a super unique of cases, really, although understandably difficult at that age.

The difficulty to go back to that song is the fact that the lyrics force you to admit that you feel sad to feel excluded and you wish you weren’t excluded. So, along comes a new song, introduced to you by this older, cooler, PRETTIER, emo girl who is super proud of not listening to music in Spanish (this is all super cringe, we’ve left that clear from the beginning of this entry, yeah?), and this new song gives you the perfect excuse to embrace that things just are the way they are, and that if you’re a loner, well, you’re a loner, deal with it, intro:

Part 2: Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day

This song doesn’t carry the same shame as the previous one. This song, like I said before, is for the older, cooler kids, who are dark and tortured, and have transcended the stage of elementary school crying to your teacher because your friends didn’t pick you for a group work. And for real, it’s easier to come back to this song in later stages of my life and remember it with affection for being the anthem of “there’s me, and only me, and only I have my own back”. Plus, the guitar riffs in the bridge are still glorious to listen to.

The problem is, this song exonerated me from “I actually wish I weren’t so lonely” into “Life’s tough, kid. Put some dirt on it, brother”, basically, just -normalize that this is what happens to people like you, numb the feeling, put a brave face and don’t mention it ever.

And that’s exactly what shouldn’t have happened. That’s the point where help is needed. And I didn’t get it.

Part 3: Let’s call her Antoinette

So now, when things got better and there are people who actually seem to enjoy my company or highly regard my perspective on things, but they just exist in a way that asks to be accompanied in a sort of way, I am triggered in parts I hadn’t healed.

There are some things that will bother me about Antoinette. Her magical thinking versus my literal thinking and atheism, her impulsiveness versus my calculated steps and restraint, her contradiction of having a political consciousness in her mind, but wanting what she wants when it comes to men and their nationality, versus my consciousness of people not being a prize simply because they come from the global north, her being the very heterosexual flavor in the friend group versus my very long coming age and religious trauma of accepting myself as a lesbian.

Nothing that is unforgivable. Yet, there’s something that pokes me in places that make my replies be sharp.

Her: “Are you guys going to get breakfast?”

Me: “No”.

Not “Actually, no, we’re going to the IT office and then we’re getting breakfast, wanna come along?”

Her: “Did you see how I recommended that hot guy what to order in this steak place when I’m actually a vegetarian? Did you get it?”

Me: “Yes, I did”.

Not “Omggggg girllll, go get him!”

She’s actually not doing anything wrong. She just is who she is. I’m the insensitive piece of shit. And I know it. So I’m taking care of it. And as I come back to 13 year old me bawling to Welcome to my Life, I reckon why she triggers me. She is an adult who will ask to be held by the hand, figuratively, in some of the ways that she just exists, and I didn’t have that. But just as I needed that compassion all those years ago, my friend deserves better. I really did need to be dived head first into my piss through this exercise. And while there will be things I will probably not change about how I handle myself, my 13 year old self, whom I don’t feel ashamed of anymore, will hold my hand in my future interactions with Antoinette.

I still think the lyrics to Welcome to my Life are dramatic, but now I reckon that it was a necessary song from however it was composed to how it accompanied other teenagers once, and I don’t think it’s pathetic anymore either.

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greta thunberg, liam cunningham, rima hassan, and everyone else on that ship, thank you, and i hope you succeed. i really hope you succeed. you know what you are risking, and i wish for you to come back safely, having done what you set out to do.

[thirdworldnoize]

Ha a lélek vándorlásában hiszünk, el kell fogadnunk hogy ha zenészek voltunk, zenészek maradunk akkor is, ha négy lábbal újraszületünk..

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At the end of the day, I'm just a sea monster who is hoping that everybody who ever considered me a friend still likes me

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Art by Pavel Oleinik

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[thirdworldnoize]

"Things are about to change. We'll get through it as a family. 'Cause we're a strong family. And nothing is more important than family."

Maybe we're okay, kid? I'll rewrite this whole life and this time there'll be so much love, you won't be able to see beyond it.

(Bone Appendix, Julia Kolchinsky // Backwards, Warsan Shire)

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Sarah Catherine Hook as Piper Ratliff The White Lotus, S03E08 - Amor Fati

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i want to get a master's degree i want to take a cake decorating class i want to dance i want to sing i want to write and remember how to think i want to swim i want to be free

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hello!