thirteengrins - Tumblr blog

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Beautiful beautiful beautiful I'm crying

i ahh… made art for mercy on me by thirteengrins on ao3. which is a fic where 13 goes to therapy instead of going to space prison and YES it was posted in 2020, it’s just been on my mind for a while ok?  reasons to read this fic:

1. 13 gets a houseplant 

2. 13 wears a giant jumper

3. cathartic yet realistic emotional development that hit rather close to home hMmMm

4. braids.

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Jodie Whittaker: Who Do You Think You Are (5)

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Jeanette Winterson, The PowerBook

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Jodie Whittaker: Who Do You Think You Are (6)

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Donna Noble looks so pretty whenever she wears her hair half pulled back

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turns out i DO prefer tumblr’s way of providing me with information, in that i get it from memes and fatalistic humor instead of the panic attack info dump of twitter

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In highschool I wrote a story about a middle-generation of stellar travelers. Their parents were born on earth and left as children, and the middle generation will not live long enough to see their destination. They live their entire lives on the ship and I wrote about them trying to find their place in everything. They will never know blue skies and warm beaches and open fields with warm breezes. They’ll never know birdsong or crickets or frogs. They’ll never hear the rain on the roof of a dreary day. I never could find the right way to end the story. I wanted it to be a happy ending, but I didn’t know how to do it.

I realize now that it was a book about me dealing with depression before I even knew it. Looking back at how blatant the projecting was, it’s obvious now. It wasn’t then.

In the story, the middle-generation people are lost. They’re apathetic. They’re just a placeholder. The only job they have is to keep the ship running, have kids, and die. As the middle generation of people began becoming adults, suicide rates were skyrocketing. Crime and drug rates were jumping. This generation was completely apathetic because they felt that they had no use.

In the story, a small group of people in the middle-generation create the Weather Project. They turn the ship into a terrarium. They make magnificent gardens and take the DNA of animals they took with them and recreate them and they make this cold, metal spaceship that they have to live their entire lives on into a home. They take what little they have and they break it and rearrange it into something beautiful. They take this radical idea and turn the ship into a wonderful jungle of trees and birds and sunshine.

And I realize now how much it reflects my state of mind as I transitioned from a child into an adult while dealing with depression. You always hear “it gets better” and “when you’re older things will be easier” and I was so sick of waiting for it to get better. I was in the middle-generation stage. And I was sick of it. I was so sick of waiting.

When I was in highschool I didn’t know how to end the story. I didn’t know how to have a happy ending. I didn’t have the life experience then to finish the story in a meaningful way. I didn’t know how to make it better for these middle-generation characters.

But now that I’m older, I’m learning. That if you sit and wait for things to get better, it never will. You have to take your life and break it apart and rearrange it into something beautiful. You have to make the cold metal ship into the garden that you deserve. You have to make your own meaning. You have to plant your own garden.

You have to teach yourself that being happy is not a radical idea.

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It’s okay to be sad.

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My home will be a home with no loud anger, no explosive rage, no slamming doors or breaking glass, no name calling, shaming or blackmail. My home will be gentle, it will be warm. It will keep my loved ones safe. No fear, no hurt and no worries.

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GUCCI CAN’T HIDE THE WARPED WINDOWS TO YOUR SOUL

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"That's why the British museum is so busy all the time. No British people ever go in there, it's full of people from abroad looking at their own stuff."

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how is it that i am distracted by everything yet paying attention to nothing

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Jodie to all the gays at 6:45pm on New Years Day: