thirtyandmaybechanged

[thirtyandmaybechanged]

During the date with Ian, our small table was filled with plates. I accidentally knocked over a plate.

As the staff proceeded to clean up, he was the one who apologized and said “I’m so sorry” as if to take credit. And every time I went to grab his arm, he kept his arm bent. So much attention.

This guy can probably fuck.

[thirtyandmaybechanged]

I went on a date with Ian and we ended up making out at the end. I’m really into his sexual energy.. and he has a nice car.

[thirtyandmaybechanged]

Honestly Mike. You don’t want to have that conversation with me and I’m willing to just move past it honestly. I’m in a really fucked up place barely standing- and all I want to do is have fun and enjoy a little bit.

I’m really not cool and I’m in the process of moving past everything- but like I had said before- I want to go back to when we said goodbye at We Belong Here. Please give me some grace though as I am doing to you.

[thirtyandmaybechanged]

Brad and I had amazing sex and it feels awful. How do I stop spinning?

[thirtyandmaybechanged]

I will not text him. I will not text him. I will not text him. I will not text him…

But if I did:

Hey. I know we said that you were also* going through stuff and lord knows I’m in a weird place. I’m hurting. I can’t make sense of anything and I feel like I’m spinning. Can we please be friends, because Lucy can’t be the only person I talk to on the phone.

[thirtyandmaybechanged]

It was unfair to say that about Lucy. I can tell I’m getting insecure about my age and if I’m pretty.

I am gorgeous.

I am gorgeous.

I am gorgeous.

[thirtyandmaybechanged]

Turns out he was already on the phone with Lucy when I sent the text message which is why he had asked her.

I need to try to bury my feelings for Mike, because he does not want me.

He does not want me.

He does not want me.

He does not want me.

I can do better.

I can do better.

I can do better.

I can do better.

[thirtyandmaybechanged]

I saw who Mike was hung up on. She’s really cool and hot. Even Lucy said I was not as hot as her.

I am sad.

I wish he would choose to call me, but instead he calls Lucy. I don’t know if I will get used to the idea that Lucy is more attractive than me to be honest.

[thirtyandmaybechanged]

Am I okay?

[thirtyandmaybechanged]

I just have moments were I remember that night. My favorite was him in my face yelling at me to “just say you’re sorry!” And when I did, he picked me up, rushed me to his bedroom and threw me onto his bed.

Another was when he told me to stick out my tongue. I was confused and not doing it- and he would shake his head and go “no no” and point to his mouth. He then would forcefully spit into my mouth but I feel like it was the cleanest spit I ever had in my mouth. Cleaner than my own mouth. God, I wish I could kiss him.

[thirtyandmaybechanged]

On Sunday, I knew that I would be seeing Mike for dinner. We made plans and I came over after doing my hair and wearing a loose, backless, low front halter dress. Mike was still healing from his surgery so he could only wear sweatpants. Why didn’t he tell me that?

He later told me he was upset that I didn’t want sushi because he had looked up 18 sushi restaurants.

We went and got oysters at a restaurant on the river. He put his leg up on my chair and after a bottle of wine and two shots m, whenever I felt he was being “too much” I would give his leg a light squeeze with my nails.

We walked back to his apartment and he was more touchy. We went back out for saki bombs ( I didn’t know we were having saki bombs).

[thirtyandmaybechanged]

This is the worst summer ever.

This is the summer of crying on couches.

This is the summer of revelations.

Am I attracted to fucked up men because of my dad?

I went over to Mike’s place- got drunk- we messed around- and he realizes he shouldn’t have done that.

[thirtyandmaybechanged]

Mike and I had a phone call that went well yesterday.

I’m looking hotter by the day.

Here’s my list:

Torrin

Matt

Matt

Corey

Cody

Moises

Moses

Sebastián

Michael

Nick

Hugo

Charlie

Brad

Eric

Vincent

[thirtyandmaybechanged]

He did text me back at 1030… he was not feeling well. It was his crohn’s. :(

[thirtyandmaybechanged]

Annoying.

I texted Mike yesterday saying I just wanted to chat about Lucy’s birthday. He replied at midnight saying I could call him anytime except in the morning.

Well. I called him at 2:30. I texted him at 8:30 saying “bad time?”. No reply.

He better be dying from his crohn’s or having an existential crisis. This is beneath me and I will not be doing this as a 31 year old.

[thirtyandmaybechanged]

We had sex multiple times yesterday. He’s been crying a lot understandably. I don’t think I’m making a mistake but I hate that I’m hurting him.

I knew it was the right choice when I cried to my mom. I’m healthier and more alive than ever.

[thirtyandmaybechanged]

I just broke up with Brad. I told my siblings and some friends. I texted Kenna that I felt “decided”. I realized that I was sparing his feelings over mine.