thirtyflirtytrying

[thirtyflirtytrying]

Day 2: Surrender

What in my body longs for radical permission?

Every inch of me longs for radical permission. The weight of my people-pleasing soul hangs in my chest, desperate and clanging against the shell of my iron skin. It's embarrassing. Desperately wanting to be a helpful person is like wearing a corny ass cowbell. I can't typically move through social settings quietly.

To love so deeply and laugh so fully is to disrupt the social silence we've settled on instead of peace. I've always been this way. I've always clung to joy in the moments that I could and I've always sought to be the most authentic version of myself. I've given myself radical permission in a lot of ways in my youth.

In high school, I was a high-energy, enthusiastic (annoying) person. People let me know how annoying I was, for better or worse. And I refused to dim my shine. I recognized early on that my enthusiasm was not going to be perceived as "cool" and still chose to express it because it was partially who I was and partially who I believed I should be in an increasingly cynical society.

I'm proud of myself for this, but I'm beginning to recognize, ironically, just how much authenticity requires intentionality.

High school wasn't just me being my true self. I would frequently doubt myself and feel ashamed for being "too much." I longed to be a cooler, more muted, more elusive girl. I would blog and journal myself out of holes where I would actually put words to the shame that weighed on me. I would free myself after, remembering that a lot of the shame and doubt I felt so deeply was based on values I didn't agree with.

Being my authentic self in high school required me to take time to recognize what inauthentic parts I thought I needed to present. I needed to get intentional about seeking what was authentic to me, my soul, my essence. I needed to mute the crowd and zone in on myself.

I need so badly to do that again. I've been trudging through life and I've learned so much but I haven't taken the time to check in with myself again. I want to give myself radical permission to live my full life again. I want to allow myself to take up space, share my truest feelings, be vulnerable, and live.

I want to live so fucking hard.

[thirtyflirtytrying]

DAY 1: Assessment and Commitment

I'm starting the Journal of Radical Commission. I've owned it for a bit but have been too embarrassed to take it seriously.

The first step is to create an aspirational statement for yourself and this overwhelmed me after I bought the book and I stayed frozen there. I needed to ruminate on this but I think I know what it is now.

I am going on this journey to explore who I am at my core and uncover the parts of me that I've felt I needed to hide.

I want to grow my familiarity and intimacy with myself and I want to give myself space to do some spring cleaning. What parts of me have I developed because I felt I should? What parts of me are true? I'm excited to develop some answers at the start of this new decade of my life but I'm even more excited to get used to asking myself these questions.