this-is-notapornblog

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Oh boi my first mental breakdown of the year

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Hey! Check out UnusAnnus its a realy weird and funny series by the youtube creators

markiplier

and

CrankGameplays

it is only available for 360 days, and then it is gone forever!! Lets try and get them to 2 million! Just for funsies

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Fact: During Pride Month, pansexuals receive up to a 200% boost in their usual powers. For example, a pansexual who is typically able to telekinetically levitate five pounds of weight may now be able to levitate up to fifteen pounds, and pansexuals who specialize in healing magics may be able to heal wounded allies more than twice as quickly.

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If ur mean to Ace ppl this month I will literally eat every pair of pants you own

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I admire people who do exercise with no music like you are putting your body in pain while being alone with your thoughts… that´s double torture

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Oh god

if Gilbert Gottfried isn’t voicing this slamming power bottom then what are we even doing here

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Untitled 1

You plucked me from the mud

And hoped i turned into something you could show off.

I did but just to spite you.

I tried my best to leave behind the negative feeling that i have.

I just to move on my own.

I wanted to be me, not someone that you made.

Playing the part in a PLAY THAT IS THIS UNIVERSE.

Untitled 2

Ive tryed to work with my mental health

I'm tired as all can be.

I'm scared that I will wake up and kill myself.

But I want it to end. I want this series of misfoutunate fortunes to end.There is too much happiness to be sad. There is to much sadness to be happy.

I am happy

I am sad

Untitled 3

I know that you you might hate me to

I stoped to talking to everyone exspecialy you. I realized that I was toxic,

A poisons that makes u home sick, but the only home sick I got was for a dirt nap, in a abandoned place, where nobody knew my face. I acted so naive, when I knew what was going on, I just didn't want to realize that I had a part to play.

But this is all I want to say, no one actively trys to talk to me. I'm a loner, longing for someone to end my missory.

Fuck it, can't you see I'm trying to reach out to someone, that will give me a reason to live, but that still me being toxic, wineing about everything, because thats what I do, I cry, and I cry. Still over some stupid guilt, I was a bratty teenager

Yea she hit me, but that's called discipline, not abuse and now that I've grown up and looked at it, I'm a piece of shit, even if it was abuse or neglect, I deserved it.

After note

I'm trying to get better, right now I'm at a cross roads, trying to be better.

I have been offered shelter, to go and continue my education, or to live in a new place and work full time. To live with the family that realy cares. I'm stuck at a stand still. Not realy knowing how I feel.

I will figure it out.

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Opens on a dimly lit street

A lone person is walking down the street

A person with a briefcase walks down a shady alley.They enter thru a backdoor in the alley."Did you bring it." A shady figure asked"It is all here boss" the person opens the brief case to reveal an open package of cheese slices.Shady figure takes it out and flips thru it as if it were cash."I only count 23, where is the last one?"The person who had the briefcase

"I swear boss I did not touch it one bit!"

A small sheet of plastic that once held cheese falls out of their pocket. " shit! I am sorry boss I just got so hungry and you know I'm a stickler for grilled cheese."

The boss glares at the terrified figure." I thought we were on gouda terms, but I guess you always wanted to be full of holes" The boss stabs the person with a knife made out of sharp chedder, and walks out of the building.

The boss takes out a lone cheese packet out of their pocket. "This is just for In queso emergencys" they takes

a bite of the cheese, and walks away

"I'm chedder off with out them"

Opens to an atm. A well dress person is standing in line" what is taking so long?" They say to another person in line "oh some guy shoved cheese though the money slot in the atm"

The well-dressed person gasps "how dairy!"

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🍩Hey,long time, no 👀. An update.🍩

My bike is now fixed and it rides perfectly. I am realy glad that it did not cost too much to fix it. I am finally able to say that I am getting settled in to my new place well. I’ve been here for about month and 1 week and I really like it. I was able to get a place with my brother. So we go half on everything. Ive been getting better with my depression, but I am still affected by it some days and that’s Okay. I sadly had to drop out of college for this semester, and probley for the next year or so.

Least I’m not to far in debt, but I know that I will go back I just need time to save money and figure out what I want in life. I still want to be a psychologist. I still want to help people in someway. If I have to do it by working a retail job and smileing till my face hurts then I will. I will give them the best gosh darn smile they have every seen.

But the thing that I’m grateful the most is that I can be my own person now that I am out of my father’s house.

Also I just finished Izombie and it is a fantastic show with a lot of great actors in it.

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I am slowly getting better.

My depression still affects me some days but now that I am finaly out of that house.

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Disturbing thoughts

The darkness is setting in

I feel like personified sin

I hate the way I sometimes feel

I wish I could just heal

I want to run away

Far away, I wish to stray.

But I cannot

Run

Hide

Scream

Yell

Cry

I can only sit in silence and hope that these feelings slowly ebb away.

But if they do, i know they will be back another day.

Its a funny word, it has too many letters

But not enough pages.

I think I'm still stuck in these stages

Between grief and depression

I just keep on regression

Back to these feeling

This ugly self doubt and self hatred

This complicated life that I am fated

To live in a body, I sometimes do not feel right in.

Neither man nor woman

Niether boy or girl.

I tell myself, you just feel this way because you are not atractive enough.

But its not that and you know.

It is just what you tell yourself so.

You lose

And you gain

When will you stop eating the pain?!

You always look so defected.

Where is that childhood spark

Oh wait its locked in the dark.

With the other memories that you have witnessed but don't wish to talk about.

Why would you want to? You say too much and people pity you.

What would they say if they knew that you wish to take that shaving razor against your ugly thighs and rub until you feel the pain that you deserve.

These things that I write i will never understand.

Me living past 16 was never the plan.

I planed to take all my medicine, but I ran out before I could.

I just keep going I never stop

I know I will never reach the top.

I know I'm not valid.

I know I am not enough, because do not know who I feel like.

I have a name that is unique, but is not now a days. Some times I dont feel like a Sadie. Like it is a foreign name to me.

I fell so aware some times and some times I just feel numb.

Some times my nerves are on fire, other times their ice cold.

I shake sometimes, I get too hyper, my mucles twitch, due to anxiety.

No one should ever fall in love with me.

I will ruin everything that I touch

I know that I do.

I stress out to easily

It was never to be

Why?!

Why wont you fucking see?

I'm broken, im incomplete.

Not part of a set, but somehow integrated into a dinner arrangement in some fashion.

One part wishes to move on

Another wishes to remain

I have nothing really to gain.

But these are just my thoughts sometimes

They are mine and mine alone.

These bad feelings that go away only when I type.

No one needs to hear me really gripe.

I wish I did these  things out of spite.

I do not care pronouns, but I sometimes  hate to be called she.

I let it slide because I dont know who I might be.

Neither a he nor a she.

But i am just an ugly me.

Who will go away once I fall asleep.

And will come back in the middle of the day.

I am the part of me that strays

And I am the part of me that stays.

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I missed you,I miss you, I'll miss you

The year is over with. Its the same as it was before, we are farther apart then we were before.

This year I could not walk to you, and profess my undying love, and give you something i made for you.To sneak out of the house. To risk getting caught. To try and make it by midnight, and over shooting it by an hour. To see you stand in that street light waiting for me. And I start singing, you laughed and said hush.

I gave you the things I made, and you loved it. Then the next day it snowed, an we walked laughing the entire day. Taking funny pictures as we walked, we danced and sang, and joked around but,

This year is over and done with. I could not get anymore of your time, and that is okay. I hope that when you look at those things and think of our good times, and not the bad.

The new year has started.

The clock turns forward, erasing those moments, and making them nothing but a distant memory.

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Horror & that day was a bad day

Horror

My flesh rots away from my bone,

Taking every last thing that I am

My mind is determined to wipe you away

It is Decomposing that haunting symphony, That was made from that day

These old bone are all but dead and gone.

But my mind is still going strong trying to erase you

But i will remember you till my last breath

That you were my last haunting regret

That day was a bad day

I came home to madness

An ambulance at my door

A tear I've never seen before

A true filed lie told to me.

That I just didn't want to believe

You left that day

I was horrible to you in every way

I was just mad at you

I just didn't want to blame something that was suppose to make you better, yet, it made your mind clouded.

I thought you were just doped up.

But that doesn't excuse me.

My sins and my guilt will never go away

Its my fault that you died.

Had I have been nicer, had I told you I loved you before I left.

Maybe you would still be here

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I hate to say this about a person, but I'm glad the bastard is dead.

https://babe.net/2017/09/28/i-dont-care-that-wrinkly-abusive-old-turtle-is-dead-15225

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Reblog if you think a boy can wear a dress