this-mustbethevoid

[this-mustbethevoid]

monday, june 2 — 7:30pm

a letter to my body:

i know you're in distress and i'm trying to help you when i can but it's hard and it hurts. i don't know if i'm cut out for this. i am just waiting for the days when i can get up and do things, but they're so far and few between. i just don't know what to do anymore.

i just feel like pain is coming at me from all sides and i can't do anything about it. kind of like prometheus and the eagle that eats his liver everyday. that's why i feel like i'm being punished.

i can't tell what my future will be. i can't see it. i can't even see a month from now. will it be the same as this? i don't know if i can go to ireland like this. i just don't know what to do.

i know i am trying my best and this is all temporary. i will feel better tomorrow.

[this-mustbethevoid]

tuesday, may 13 — 2:45pm

stomach still not doing great. in the afternoon, no matter what i eat, i get nauseous and my stomach hurts. being nauseous is one of the worst feelings. luckily, i still have some anti-nauseous meds from...idk wherever, and they're expired but i think they still work okay.

[this-mustbethevoid]

tuesday, may 13 — 1pm

definitely feeling more awake, energetic and motivated today. the lethargy that's always around is still there, but it's more back of mind/body. still feel a little too jittery to be completely happy with my increase in meds, but that will calm down in a bit. hoping that this feeling will continue and that i'll have some time today to prep for bad days. i'm just really busy at work and we've got plumbers coming in and out so i have to be in the apartment and can't really use the kitchen all that much.

[this-mustbethevoid]

friday, may 2 — 11:30am

this week has just been terrible since monday. it started off going so well but it's just been so hard to get back on track. i don't know how to get back to that place. i still did things this week though, regardless of how bad it's been. i still did a good job.

[this-mustbethevoid]

wednesday, april 30 — 10:45am

unreasonably angry today. just frustrated and upset and want to cry. upset at work, at my parents, at my life, everything.

[this-mustbethevoid]

tuesday, april 29 — 12:30am

i don't usually have that big a fear of cockroaches; i'm the big killer in our house. i've killed several in our apartment, and many over the course of living in NYC. i've probably encountered them in every apartment i've lived in. i've even found a carcass in my bed years prior. and yeah they're gross and scary looking but they never really terrified me in the way they do others.

but for some reason, i'm having a panic attack after seeing one in my room. it's big and fast and we've been playing a cat and mouse game for hours. i slipped and fell and hurt myself and suddenly panic attack. i was freaking out a bunch before, and i felt pretty determined to kill it and was trying to draw it out. but for some reason, even thinking about it makes me freak out. i can't even stay in the same room. i don't even like being in the same apartment.

i just want my mom. i'm thinking i should go back for a few days. calm down a bit—have mom and dad make me some food. see sarah and apologize for being a bad friend. get away from the city and to some peace and quiet. get away from the heat. go to the beach everyday and read. damn that sounds so nice.

the only thing that doesn't sound nice is being with my parents. even now though i'm starting to convince myself. i don't think it helped last summer though. or maybe it did. it's not like i'm doing that much better a year later. if anything, i'm probably doing fucking worse.

i just feel so pathetic. i even considered waking up katherine and asking her to help flush this bugger out. even if i did kill it, i'm worried there are a bunch everywhere. i could just run away and leave them to deal with it. have a clean bathroom. a clean house. deal with this shit when i'm ready. it just feels so fucking pathetic. i'm goddamn 30 years old.

i'm just going to sit out here for a bit. i can make my decision come 6am. but i think i'm going back. fucking bullshit.

[this-mustbethevoid]

monday, april 28 — 9:45pm

just got back from seeing my GP. i knew i wouldn't feel great but i wish i didn't feel this bad. crying nowadays feels so weird. it feels like i have to try or else it doesn't come. kind of like being nauseous and you just wish it would happen so you don't feel nauseous anymore.

everything went fine i guess. i do feel very poked and prodded and overstimulated. but everyone was nice and it seems like i'm going to get checked out like how i should. i guess i should call my parents tomorrow and tell them the news. they'll be happy.

i'm definitely not happy with my weight. i'm over 200 pounds now. i've never been higher than like 170. my average is like 160 and my lowest is like 140. i just don't know where all this weight came from or where it went/is. i don't feel that big. i feel like 180. but it just really goes to show how much not doing any fucking movement at all really just slows down your immune system. i know i haven't been eating the best either but i didn't think it was bad enough for me to gain this much weight. definitely doesn't feel good. i need to stop smoking so much weed i don't think that helps. but sometimes its the only thing that gets me through the day.

i like my therapist so much but maybe i should see one that specializes in depression. then i also wouldn't have to spend so much fucking money.

i know this is all part of the plan and everything, but i really just don't want to do it. i dont' want to kill myself but i don't want to be doing all this existing and being alive and shit.

well the tears are fucking coming now. which i guess is good. i just wish everything wasn't so difficult. i'm just so unhappy. i just don't know how i'm going to make it through this. should i be seeing a therapist twice a week? in theory i could try seeing another therapist in addition and it wouldn't cost a lot of money but just would give me more support.

but for the sake of posterity, i was feeling pretty good today. i got a bunch of stuff done that i wanted/needed to. its just shitty that it has to end like this. i need to start working out at the end of the day bc its not like i got anything better to do with my time.

idk how i'm going to be feeling tomorrow but i hope its good bc we have sunset boulevard tix. i wouldn't be surprised if i don't make it but katherine has a lot of friends she can take instead. even some of my friends would want to go and they like katherine.

i just hate feeling so pathetic and sad and depressed and fat and gross and worthless. i'm not any of those things. but i feel like them. it's hard to argue against the fact that we're all just wastes of space in this world. but i guess the world would be worse off without me. i'm know that i'm a good person and i have a lot to offer people and the world. i just need to get through this patch and then i can focus on the good things.

honestly i feel like i wish this was a drug addiction or something. maybe it's not okay or cool for me to say that but at least that's more understandable and has a clean answer. i feel lost. i feel like i'm swimming in an endless ocean with a weight attached to my leg. and i keep trying to swim and its so hard, and it would be so easy to just stop swimming and let the weight take me to the bottom and end it.

how do i fight against the weight? i just keep fucking swimming and eventually i find a boat or an island or something to help take the weight off. OR i get stronger. swimming with the weight helps develop my muscles and endurance, and then even if i do have the weight and it sucks to drag it, i can.

i just am struggling so much and i don't know what to do. are you supposed to reach out to someone? what could they do? i just feel like talking about this with a friend isn't helpful. maybe listening to some sad music will help. it did last week i guess.

[this-mustbethevoid]

friday, april 25 — 2pm

so weird feeling now. strangely, i have energy and am not tired and bored which i normally feel a lot. but, i don't have any drive or desire to do my work/tasks/chores/etc. kind of annoying but i don't have any plans this weekend and it's going to rain tomorrow so maybe that's why i don't feel the drive to.

again i didn't feel any this morning but i made myself get up and vacuum and i'm glad i did that. i guess all that's left are bigger and harder tasks. i'm trying to break them down but it doesn't really work that way. cleaning the shower can't really be broken down i don't think? and it needs to be bleached which is a whole thing in and of itself.

all i kinda wanna do is get high and dance. i should probably go outside but i don't really want to do that either. i forced myself to get groceries and that's also good. and i can go and get little things tomorrow and hopefully food prep.

[this-mustbethevoid]

friday, april 25 — 11:30am

not feeling very motivated today. i was hoping after resting a lot yesterday i would have more drive and energy. i could push myself. but i'm so tired of pushing myself. i think i can push myself. i'm going to get up right now and get the vacuum and vacuum.

[this-mustbethevoid]

thursday, april 24 — 12:45pm

tired and hungry today. feel like it might be period stuff but idk man. i never know anymore. sometimes i feel like i need to ration my energy and i just used it all up yesterday. i don't think that's actually the case but u never know.

i want to go outside but i have these stupid meetings. by the time i'm done with them, the sun will be gone. idk if i actually want to go outside my bed is so cozy and comfy. i just want to nap and eat and get high. yeah i guess this is my period lol.

[this-mustbethevoid]

wednesday, april 23 — 11:15pm

i just don't know if i'm cut out for this—living. it's just the whole mortal coil is so awful. i hate having a body. it doesn't work right and never will. in fact, it'll only get worse from here.

i think i'm just tired because there were train delays and it was frustrating, and work is annoying as usual and i need to stop letting it get to me. i think i'll feel better tomorrow, it's just...

i don't know. it's like i got home and bad feelings just kind of started. i think getting ready for bed and checking in with my body and mind let me know that i needed a release. i cried, which i guess is good, i tried to make it happen, but now my head hurts.

i'm just not looking forward to the summer either. i fucking hate the heat. i could always go back to my parents for the summer but i think that would be the opposite of good for my mental health. unsure how i will make it through the summer here though. i just hate it so goddamn much. it makes me so upset and angry.

it just...shouldn't be this hard. i don't want it to be this hard. but there's nothing to do except go through. which is fucking awful in that i have to do it. i had a great day and now i feel like absolute shit, what the fuck is that about?

i'm just tired, emotionally, mentally, physically, in any sense of the word i am tired. i guess i do feel better now that i've cried and gotten this out in this blog post. but the bad feelings are still there just more depressing and meh now.

i'm going to see if a little bowl or jay will help me out. just calm me down a bit so i can sleep.

[this-mustbethevoid]

wednesday, april 23 — 4pm

i almost feel like manically ill today. my stomach is a bit on the fritz, probably from what i ate yesterday, but my mood literally did a 180. honestly kind of annoying but i guess good that it's today. yeah definitely need to see what's up with my hormones or meds because this complete change is crazy.

again it feels like mania, but i guess this is how you're supposed to feel normally. did i use to feel like this? or have i in the past? i'm honestly not sure. it kind of feels manufactured. i'm pretty good at understanding how drugs are affecting my body and this is what it feels like.

[this-mustbethevoid]

tuesday, april 22 — 1:30pm

it feels like i can't control my emotions. i guess the idea is to not control them. but then you just let them come and it interferes with your day and life? i'm so goddamn irritated by work and coworkers. it's nothing really to be irritated by is the problem. i used to let this stuff wash over and it never really got to me.

but now...i don't know. finally the sadness and tears are coming. but again is it sadness or is it just frustration? it gets wrapped up into just upset. why do i feel like crying when i'm just frustrated? is that just the physical manifestation of these "negative" emotions?

i guess let me explain why work is frustrating me. but i guess i have before lots of times, and i have complained to different people. do i need to spend more time complaining? instead of complaining, i guess i mean talking through my frustrations.

[this-mustbethevoid]

tuesday, april 22 — 1pm

i don't feel sad today but i don't feel good. i don't know what i'm feeling. i'm going to try to use the docs my therapist sent me to identify my feelings.

i think i feel anxious and frustrated. i should go for a walk outside. but i have a couple of meetings so its annoying.

[this-mustbethevoid]

tuesday, april 22 — 11:30am

i can tell today's already going to be hard. hoped that maybe some coffee and carbs and protein would help but no success. if anything, i think it just hurt my stomach. but it's also hard to care about that. i'm thinking about taking a wee edible to help chill me out a little bit. or it just makes life easier to go through. idk man—everything's just blah right now.

[this-mustbethevoid]

friday, april 18 — 2:30pm

it's just been a hard couple of days. woke up this morning, add breakfast, and then immediately puked everything back up. luckily nausea is gone but of course my stomach is still fucked. i'll just drink a bunch of water and eat plainly. well, the former won't work because the freezer doesn't fucking work out.

the door broke and now all of our food is warm and we have no ice. and god knows when it's going to be fixed. also, of course, i have to deal with it because my roommates are too quiet, timid, anxious fucking zoomers who can't be asked to handle anything adult. and i have to handle it even when i'm not feeling well.

i was also looking forward to my therapy session today but i decided to get ahead of it and move it because i'm feeling sick. but, of course, i get the fucking $250 late fee even though i'm sick and woke up this morning puking.

and now i have several social plans tonight that i have been looking forward to with friends that i haven't seen in a while and i'm not sure i can make it. i really don't feel great stomach-wise and now my mood is all horrible because of this.

so basically i'm fucked and will be fucked. i know that i could try to see people tomorrow but knowing me everyone will be busy because i'm trying to make last minute plans. and watch me not even feel better tomorrow even though i rescheduled.

and it's my friend's bday. i love showing up for my friends and others' birthdays especially. my life's just really not been going well. i'm trying to think on the positive side—i used to be able to as well.

i'm just so tired of making excuses. i just don't want to make them anymore. i'm going to eat a little bit of plain pasta and take a shower, and then make a decision about tonight. but i don't want to stay in tonight i'm already bored and don't want to be alone.

i just don't know what to do.

[this-mustbethevoid]

thursday, april 17 — 12pm

i feel emotionally exhausted. i just wish i was in a cabin away from everyone and everything. ALONE. maybe with a cat. but i don't want to hear cars and trucks, i don't want to hear endless droning.

i don't necessarily want to leave NYC. i love my apartment and my friends and i've worked to build a life here. and i've honestly kind of planned to stay here forever really. i didn't need to but if it happened i would be happy. i love the city.

but it feels too much for me in this state. the problem is that if i leave, i'm separated from my friends and i can barely see them let alone try to meet new people. i also don't know how long this will last. moving to a new place is a really big endeavor, and i don't know if that would help or hurt my mental and physical health.

it would be nice to kind of just rent a place for a month and have some time away from everything but i really don't have the funds for that at the moment. i guess i could make it work if i really tried? get a little writer's retreat place and spend some time in nature.