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thiscrazysoberlife · 5 years

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Straight out of darkness

Straight out of darkness into the light. I know you’re living in those streets,baby it ain’t right. See one day this man came to see me, you know what he said? He said look in my eyes I got a plan. See he grabbed my hand and he said I’ll show you the light. I want to be in your life I want to show you how to start living right. Now follow my path, I’ll be by you side don’t be afraid princess it will be alright. See I know what’s in your heart and I See what was there before, I’m here to fill it up with my love even more. I thought who is this man could it really be? Then came in a thought from the enemy. Now he Filled with me doubt and me with filled me with fear. He said if this is your savior how could he be so near? See the way that I was living, I was running from the light, I was afraid it would shine and expose all my fright . I kept falling deeper every time I would fall. Somewhere along the way i got disconnected from the call. See the call was pushed down behind the hate and the lies, all the things I experienced started to close my eyes. I started to see the world for the way it wasn’t meant. And every time to looked in the mirror I couldn’t even find me. The darkness took over and it started to dim, my life became different, something I knew wasn’t him. The shame and the guilt became so great I started searching in streets for another way. The demons I met every night in my bed they were Disguised as angels and they filled my head. My heart was so empty, my soul filled with pain, I believed those demons when they said they could make it go away. So my mind and body Started to become their own it started with a pill that made me feel like I was home. The warmth that came over me and peace I received I started to believe that those demons loved me. One day the demons told me there was a price to pay, for the peace that they gave me they could also take away. So I started to feel the fear of the darkness once again, By then it was too late I could never win. My soul so empty my heart full of pain I gave them my addiction hoping they would win the game. I began to pray for my demons every night. Hoping they would come take me out of his life. I was so hopeless and confused and come to a point I Truly believe I could never live right. The demons that once said they loved me now turned very cold. They tormented my soul and made me believe I wasn’t whole. They showed me the things I’ve done and the things done to me, they said if you really had a savior where could he be. The fear and the shame the abuse and the violence, where was your God then, he was in silence!! They made me believe that I could never be loved they said we have your soul you’ll never rise above. But the day my savior came he told me they were wrong, he reached into my heart and played me a song. When I grabbed that man’s hand and started to walk, my eyes became open my heart again began to talk. See I found the connection that I once felt before and now I experienced it deep in my core. The demons they trembled when they saw me with this man. I could tell he was my savior and he had plan. The love that I felt and the joy I received I looked at those demons and I told them, I am now free. My God was never silenced he was there all along. Those hateful things that happened to me, he knew they were wrong. See there’s something you have to get right, everything we experience is not sent by the light. But our God had a plan from the beginning to win this fight. Those things sent to hurt us pierce so deep in our soul And the enemy believes it’s going to turn us cold. But God Sent our savior to win this war, so pick up your worthiness up off the floor. Our Savior won the war hanging on the cross no more darkness he promised if we just walk the walk. See those scars that the enemy gave me I can now look around see, that they were the molding that now holds my crown secure on me. The world gets us twisted when we don’t understand that the most powerful God always had a plan. From before we were born until the day we return our God is working for us when we can’t discern. So baby when you see his hand, go ahead and grab on. I know you’re scared but he has a plan. See his plan is good and his plan is love he wants you next to him so he can give you a hug. He wants to tell you are worthy wants to tell you are whole. I know you don’t believe it right now, but just trust your soul. Your soul doesn’t forget it always remembers, it’s this world that gets it twisted. You don’t ever have to go back in the darkness wishing. See God sent his strongest soldiers out to war, he did this because our Savior knows more. He knows you Can bear the weight of that pain and turn it around, for Gods gain. I find myself pulled out of the depths of hell just to be on the other side asking what now? He said I’m going to send you back to show them the way, but this time I’ll equipped you with the tool to pray. I’ll give you the Faith to stay connected, but I’m giving you a Bible and sending you with a message. It’s side-by-side I walk with my savior back into hell,and I watch him touch these souls and show them the way out. See what I had to learn is that I was just one part of his plan no bigger or smaller than the rest of the clan. We’re in this together so baby don’t forget, your savior is here to take you out of the pit. Now always remember if you don’t want to go back there’s others that are waiting with the demons on their back. So use the scars and the darkness to motivate you to live right, now go back and get them and show them the light.

#recovery addiction newlifeafteraddiction seekthelight hope

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thiscrazysoberlife · 5 years

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Battlefield of the mind

Battlefield of the mind..... It’s a struggle everyday to sit and think this way. The thoughts they swirl I can’t slow them down, what’s it gonna take for me to feel on solid ground. The peace, the joy, the love I have inside, sometimes it’s hard to see in this battlefield I call my mind. I know the darkness I keep running from isn’t really there, but the thoughts that never end make me feel like I don’t care. The storm of thoughts that always rain down make me feel numb inside because I’m always under there cloud. What people don’t understand is the war inside my head often brings me to a place I’d rather be dead. Watching the world go by out of the corner of my eye because this battlefield I call my mind, gives me no concept of time. This concept of the here and now is a struggle most days because I can’t feel the ground, it just feels like constant waves. It’s hard to focus on the present with the war raging inside, so I put on a fake smile and just get back to the grind. Walking around in the world pretending I’m like you but the battlefield in mind reminds me you don’t have a clue. In a mind that’s healed and grown why do I struggle to feel my own. So every morning when I wake I have to prepare the soldiers that are all mine, we’re about to goto war in this battlefield I call my mind. No matter the energy it takes the stakes are too high, I no longer have the luxury of asking myself why. Why am I so different why is it such a struggle for years now I’ve been dealing with all my trouble. The answers to the questions may never come but the life I have today if I look closely I see I’ve already won. See it’s not that I really want to die I just want the storm to end in this battlefield I call my mind. Maybe the answer comes when I choose not to fight, putting down my weapons and realizing what is right. This battlefield I’ve created is a storm all my time own. If I just tell it to stop maybe I’ll feel at home. Everyday I have a choice. Do I want to goto war today or am I choosing to have a voice. See the voice that tells me to fight can also be the voice that tells me I’m alright......I’M ALRIGHT!

#bipolarstruggles mentalhealth anxiety

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thiscrazysoberlife · 5 years

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Never really far away…

Depression, anxiety, and Obsessive thoughts are the familiar accessories that have accompanied my life as far back as I can remember. The unrealistic expectation they would flee from me after I found recovery is something is I continuously try to let go.

Growing up with a Mother who’s untreated bi-polar symptoms became my learned behaviors as an adult prevented me from recognizing my own struggles with mental health stability. The manic episodes were falsely placed in my mind as productive storms. The depressive downs I witnessed with her became my safe haven as I learned to adopt them. No blame on my mother. After all she was completely unaware of her mental health state how should anyone expect her to realize the impact it would have on her children.

Later on once I discovered an easier way to calm the raging storm inside my soul I felt free! With drugs and alcohol the symptoms of depression and anxiety became a distant memory. The heaviness of depression and crippling effect of anxiety were at last relieved!!!! Or so I thought. I suppose in one sense the constant cycle active addiction places you in is a way of self soothing, self control. There was a way to make me feel better. I guess on some level that was success over these mental games I would play with myself. Changing how I felt quickly gave me power over my life! That once scared little girl confused about the world and her place in it, was now in control and had a say in how she would feel. I know now I was really trying to mend the brokenness of my soul. Somewhere deep I thought maybe a substance could glue me back together. Not really knowing how many pieces needed mending, just always aware that I wasn’t whole

I now believe this is where my overwhelming desire to help others comes from. Why I naturally gravitate to the broken. Somewhere deep tells me “if I can help them become whole maybe I won’t feel so broken”.

Is it even ok to think or say that out loud I STILL FEEL BROKEN in many aspects? After all shouldn’t I be a complete Aura of bliss. I’ve found Recovery, have a job I love, a wonderful husband and fantastic kids. Bliss is a part of my life. Gratitude and grace fill my soul often….but then why?! Why still this part that feels untouched by the beauty I can clearly see and feel in the world?!

I don’t know! Is that okay to say and feel? Who cares…I do! This morning as I started to feel depression creeping in I became once again frustrated with my inability to stuff it far enough down or cast it away never to return. I’m reminded of the real truth about my mental health, sometimes it just isn’t good! Once again I find myself in a battle with my mind. Trying to implement things that help fight off the darkness, walks, interaction, music, yoga……desperately trying to use what energy I still feel to try and battle the beast before it takes over. All the while filled with fear of it. Overwhelming anxiety and fear “I don’t want to go back to bed”. “I don’t want to sleep all day”. “I don’t want the darkness “. Fighting the very thing that provided me with comfort for so long feels like a betrayal in some sense. One thing I am certain of I don’t have to use a substance today to cover it up! If my healthy strategy doesn’t work, which it doesn’t most of the time the depression eventually takes over for a time, then I’ll go though it as I have before! Remembering there is hope! For now I will continue on my day, smiling, being productive, acting as if this world inside me doesn’t exist.

This crazy sober life isn’t always inspiring…

#depression #thiscrazysoberlife #mentalhealth #raw #reallife #recovery #addiction

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thiscrazysoberlife · 6 years

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A place to let it all out

I first found Recovery September 15,2009. I was able to stay sober for five and half years before the desire to use became greater than my desire to stay sober….so I got high! I’m just over three years sober again post relapse and have a deeper understanding of this thing we call recovery then ever before! While my understanding of recovery and passion for it has deepened since my relapse something seems to be off at times (a lot of the time) still. So I decided to try to record this crazy sober life in a blog to help connect with others who feel the same.

I don’t want to be misunderstood. Things don’t feel “off” in the sense something is missing. It’s very much the opposite! Life is now filled with so much that it’s uncharted territory for me. Actually being authentic about my recovery this time around I found such a deeper meaning and fulfillment out of life. The “off” feeling I’ve come to learn is…..life on life’s terms.

At times the very things that I medicated with a substance still infiltrate my well being and attempt to steal my serenity. Some as deep as major depression,anxiety, ptsd, and ocd. Some as simple as having to goto the grocery store and make dinner or listen to my child tell the same story ten times. Yes I plan to be honest and say the things we think we aren’t supposed to say or feel. Like sometimes my kids are a trigger! That’s ok! I still love them.

I wanted to start this blog so I have a place to get all these millions of thoughts out. While some…ok lots of how I perceive the world is comical some is very dark, but so much is absolutely beautiful! I hope others can relate, draw hope, and gain strength from my blog.

The biggest truth I’ve learned since finding Recovery it’s always a fascinating adventure trying to navigate this #crazysoberlife.

#recoveryjourney

#sober

#reallife

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thiscrazysoberlife · 6 years

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Just because it’s the right choice doesn’t mean it won’t hurt….

Well today was no exception. More often than not I’m reminded of my old life in active addiction daily. The most beautiful part is today it fills me with gratitude! An overwhelming sense of thankfulness and grace enters my soul because I have found a new way of life.

The circumstances I witnessed today weren’t directly related to active addiction for the person experiencing them. What the circumstances did remind me of is how different my life is today. I believe without finding Recovery I would never of had the chance to experience what I call life today.

The overwhelming sadness that was felt as I witnessed the end of a relationship today with a close friend hit me deep. It was as if the sadness were palpable in the air. So strong I felt I could reach out and grab it. The wishful thinking that if only I could capture the sadness and tuck it away close to my heart, it may make a difference. Today I recognize my overwhelming nature to lessen the pain for others comes from the amount of pain I too have experienced over my life. The gift of sobriety has taught me to recognize why I feel the way I feel even when what’s making me feel that way has nothing to do with me in the moment.

As I watched a dear friend transport what’s left of her life in boxes it saddened my heart. Watching her tired body pull the red wagon full of her boxes to the shed where they will be stored, it was clear her soul both exhausted and awaking was leading her journey. In this moment I found myself wanting to say all the positive and encouraging words I hold in my vocabulary. Why?…BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER!!! Yup! Underlying is how uncomfortable I felt in the moment.

Having been gifted a new way of thinking today I’m able to recognize these self centered traits and not act on them! Today I have the ability to be uncomfortable! Today I have the ability to be there for someone else, and just be with them in their pain. After all, the pain is what shapes us. Going through the pain, being present in our own storm is what teaches us the most about ourselves.

For so long I tried to run from my own storms. Trying to numb the pain with whatever was available, never really feeling safe to just “be”. Learning to be present in my own storm allowed me to become aware of how much of a roll I actually played in creating those storms! Talk about eating a bitter piece of humble pie. Staying present in the storm also allowed me to see the treasure in the trials. They were always there. I was just so blinded by bitterness and resentment I couldn’t see them. I was so focused on what I was losing, I failed to be hopeful about what could come next.

I had this false sense of reality when I became sober that the storms would just magically stop! After all wasn’t it all caused by drugs? The hard truth is, storms will always come it’s how I weather them that makes the difference. I had this faulty belief that making the right choice would feel good…Again came the humble pie. I never understood that sometimes you’re going to feel bad, sad,mad, and hurt. THAT’S NORMAL! What?!?!?!

What I didn’t know then and I’ve learned now. All that time I was trying to run and numb those hard feelings, I was also numbing the joy,peace,and serenity on the other side of them. I never knew that, because I never made it to the other side! Always running, hiding, and numbing. Until Recovery!

Having walked this journey this far I’m able to be at peace when watching someone I care about be in pain. I was once told “you deny them the pain you deny them the victory “. How true those words have become in my soul. The victory and blessings that come from just “being where you are” are gifts I would never want to rob someone of, just because “I want to make them(me) feel better in the moment.

Having this wonderful journey in my soul today reminds me of the grace I experience everyday sober! The grace that has allowed me to have the life I have, and the grace that continues to teach me about myself through others daily!

Another day comes to an end in this crazy sober life.

#thiscrazysoberlife

#recovery

#reallife

#sober

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thiscrazysoberlife · 6 years

Text

Never really far away…

Depression, anxiety, and Obsessive thoughts are the familiar accessories that have accompanied my life as far back as I can remember. The unrealistic expectation they would flee from me after I found recovery is something is I continuously try to let go.

Growing up with a Mother who’s untreated bi-polar symptoms became my learned behaviors as an adult prevented me from recognizing my own struggles with mental health stability. The manic episodes were falsely placed in my mind as productive storms. The depressive downs I witnessed with her became my safe haven as I learned to adopt them. No blame on my mother. After all she was completely unaware of her mental health state how should anyone expect her to realize the impact it would have on her children.

Later on once I discovered an easier way to calm the raging storm inside my soul I felt free! With drugs and alcohol the symptoms of depression and anxiety became a distant memory. The heaviness of depression and crippling effect of anxiety were at last relieved!!!! Or so I thought. I suppose in one sense the constant cycle active addiction places you in is a way of self soothing, self control. There was a way to make me feel better. I guess on some level that was success over these mental games I would play with myself. Changing how I felt quickly gave me power over my life! That once scared little girl confused about the world and her place in it, was now in control and had a say in how she would feel. I know now I was really trying to mend the brokenness of my soul. Somewhere deep I thought maybe a substance could glue me back together. Not really knowing how many pieces needed mending, just always aware that I wasn’t whole

I now believe this is where my overwhelming desire to help others comes from. Why I naturally gravitate to the broken. Somewhere deep tells me “if I can help them become whole maybe I won’t feel so broken”.

Is it even ok to think or say that out loud I STILL FEEL BROKEN in many aspects? After all shouldn’t I be a complete Aura of bliss. I’ve found Recovery, have a job I love, a wonderful husband and fantastic kids. Bliss is a part of my life. Gratitude and grace fill my soul often….but then why?! Why still this part that feels untouched by the beauty I can clearly see and feel in the world?!

I don’t know! Is that okay to say and feel? Who cares…I do! This morning as I started to feel depression creeping in I became once again frustrated with my inability to stuff it far enough down or cast it away never to return. I’m reminded of the real truth about my mental health, sometimes it just isn’t good! Once again I find myself in a battle with my mind. Trying to implement things that help fight off the darkness, walks, interaction, music, yoga……desperately trying to use what energy I still feel to try and battle the beast before it takes over. All the while filled with fear of it. Overwhelming anxiety and fear “I don’t want to go back to bed”. “I don’t want to sleep all day”. “I don’t want the darkness “. Fighting the very thing that provided me with comfort for so long feels like a betrayal in some sense. One thing I am certain of I don’t have to use a substance today to cover it up! If my healthy strategy doesn’t work, which it doesn’t most of the time the depression eventually takes over for a time, then I’ll go though it as I have before! Remembering there is hope! For now I will continue on my day, smiling, being productive, acting as if this world inside me doesn’t exist.

This crazy sober life isn’t always inspiring…

#depression #thiscrazysoberlife #mentalhealth #raw #reallife #recovery #addiction

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thiscrazysoberlife · 6 years

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Just one….

I’m always placed in situations where I’m expected to lead. I’m always the one helping others to navigate this life. When everyone looks at you as the strong and positive one, it feels impossible to trust them with the truth. The truth is I’m a mess inside. The storm that I experience daily never really seems to leave. When you’re always the trailblazer positive person people don’t even take your cries for help seriously. I try to talk about this darkness I still battle and am met with “well you’ll be ok, you’re the strongest most positive person I now. You’ll be ok”. What if I’m not….

What if I had one person to really be honest with? Would it make a difference? What if everyone knew how much I struggled with life, daily? Would I still be strong in their eyes? What if everyone knew how badly at times I don’t want to be here anymore? Would I still be a positive person to them? Does it matter….

#depression #anxiety #mentalhealth #thiscrazysoberlife #notok #alone