thishypothesis

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30.7.19 emotionally exhausted. really just want nice things to stay nice and not feel bad the second they end

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20.7.19 a few digital collages. i move to uni ridiculously soon. like five weeks. jessssusss

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18.7.19 some wierd scribbly art

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16.7.19 my sister graduated and heres me

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15.7.19 one of those quite nice days.

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13.7.19 puddy tat

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11.7.19 went to brum for an evening of cocktails and had a suprisingly nice time. i love my sister

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10.7.19 art bb

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9.7.19 i had sex with a guy i barely know at a party and that was wild. i also attended my favourite festival and it was nice but i craved friendship as i have non stop since i broke up with jamie

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4.7.19 festival food shopping w sister in sunny england

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1.7.19 so its july. wow. i just watched the art film anima and it was awesome and inspiring

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30.6.19 last day of june and this is the entrance to my bedroom. im currently in the a&e after saving my cat from a big fight and she bit my finger and now its infected. kms

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29.6.19 very hot very very hot too hot maybe. need more ife cubes. also mens clothes are dummy cheap

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29.6.19

if it isnt too much to ask

for a small car crash in my life

some kind of brutal knife lick or

maybe just heart cracks

im dragging along

this isnt living this is

sleeping through life

lonely unalone

drape attention over my form

give it a little spotlight

spit on me with some kind of anything

mauled and bestowed with more peace than i care to be pleased by

am i just ordinary

i never believed it before

but life doesnt care it goes on fucking other people

instead of me

does life not care that i need to make art

and this pale yellow isnt bright enough

and no sour grape or chemical can take me away from it

ill chew out my cheeks until im void of vitamins

but ill still feel so quietly ready to burst

unable to perform

unable to stop tapping my toes against a floor thats not even cold

wheres the fucking blood gone

a pale bag of flesh and rattling unbroken bones

ready to snap and shatter but ever so carefully protected by that museum glass

i need the broken cups uncomfortable on my lips

the ever so slightly dusty corners

smothered by crumbs and nights out that it turned out i didnt need my coat for

i could settle for surface

but i need to share these veins

this bloodlife this passion with someone

but no one hears the call

i make up love in my head while im determined not to fall into bear traps or fantasy

ive fallen asleep to the same music three nights in a row

i cant write outside first person

id like to write to you

but who are you

the boy i have created in my head as a love interest in the story within which i am both the antagonist and protagonist

begging myself to hold on but let go

absolutely disemboweled by contradictions

i get stuck in corners shaped like circles

good fucking god

god fucking good

not fucking in me

but in someone else

did i wish too hard

is the the dog bite in the ass

like from those not so funny movies that i fail to bond over

is this what you get when you drown in sadness and actually let someone help

i dont remember who helped but fuck

i should have just walked away from them

give me a second to hate myself

hate this more

i need more fire

im a simmering ember who is sticking around until 6am

the last log

settled and surrounded by soft ashes that float away with a sneeze

fucks sake

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27.6.19 things. details.

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27.6.19 doing my best to love my body and all that. its very warm this week and i wish it would stay around

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24.6.19 lets talk about my chain addiction