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Nights like these are the loneliest -laying on the couch knowing you're doing the same but with her, her head on your shoulder like mine was so many times before.
I still ask myself daily what I did wrong, why I wasn't good enough? What was so wrong about US growing old together? We would've had children. We would've had a house and an amazing future. We would've grown old together and had so many adventures. But something about me was-no-is wrong. Or youd be back with me, right?
Instead you spend the night with her and her little family. Oh how easily you jumped. She's everything you ever wanted, she's a nerd without trying, shes short, she's young, she's perfect according to you. What happened to me being perfect for you? Not so long ago I was...
It's hard to sleep on these nights. I look for you everywhere. I even text you and get no response. Yet when you're hanging out with me you have no problem continuing to talk to her. It isn't fair to me. I never had a chance, yet she deserves, what, five so far? That is not fair. It is not right. It is pulling at every emotion I have left in me and incinerating them. Won't be too long before there remains nothing of my soul.
I put on a smile and push through my day but my heart still breaks every time I see you, every time your phone goes off, every time I touch you. I am breaking inside and hiding it so well. No one but me knows what I might do. You won't ever come back to me. Our friendship is temporary. All of this is for not. I hope I get the courage to disappear.
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I've tried. I've hurt. I've gone to my ends wit. I do not know how to care any longer. The pain have gone through has changed me. I am not sure what my future holds. I am not sure if I have a future. The pain of a blade no longer frightens me. The pain of having to live on does. I am not sure why it has to change, what I did wrong, why I had to be mistreated. I do not know why I was not good enough or how no one noticed my misery. I thought maybe him leaving would be a good thing, maybe him leaving would allow me to rediscover myself. But I was wrong. He had me so wrapped up in his little world that he won. I could no longer talk to my friends, my family, even my coworkers (not that they cared that much). I was always "too invested in my work" when the reality was -work was my one and only escape to the controlling nature I experienced at home. "Don't talk about our relationship -its not their business." "You've lost my trust-you let ONE person know we are having the most inconvenient problem. How DARE you????"
I lost myself. Five years and I lost myself. I lost friends. I lost family. I was shunned for believing bin a relationship that I really thought I could be happy in. I lost the ability to be myself any longer. Any time I try to regain what I had lost he is here, knocking at my door and beating me down once more.
He always seemed so sweet. He played the "she doesn't let me live" card. Just ask his ex. She wanted to try for a future. So did I. And both of us ended up fighting with him because we refused to bend to his will. Until I wasn't strong. Until I couldn't do it anymore. I started talking back. I started trying to be myself (that was just annoying-how DARE I talk about myself). The beginning was so amazing I got lost. I have no idea who I used to be or even know how to go about finding her. But he insists I MUST because, of course, THATS the girl he fell in love with.
He will crush your spirits one by one. He will cloud your judgement. He will do what he does best and drain your money. And when he's done with your money, he will cheat. He will look for the next best thing. He doesn't care who he destroys no matter how much he says he cares or how much he says he's changing. He will warn you he is like cancer and please, heed his warning -it is the only one you will ever get.
I truly loved him. I wanted a future with him. I wanted a house -but sue me for trying to save up for a decent one. Don't you know, after 5 years of working your ass off and having him be a lazy piece of shit you should have it all together???
It's exhausting. Life, fighting with him to keep what is left of me hidden. It's all exhausting. I really did love him. And that's what hurts the most. He can just move on so easily. All the other girls ere lucky. He did them a favor by leaving. Me-not so much. I never learned what self love was. I was too young, too naive. I'm lost for good and that's why what I do tonight shouldn't matter. I am nobody. He made sure if that. And he will try to spin this -but he is never supposed to know. The only way he'll know is if he hacks into my phone or someone tells him.
I don't know how to go on anymore. I dont know how to be happy. My post will be lost, it'll be hidden, and when they find my body they will eventually find a note. A note about how I cried myself to sleep, a note about how no one cared to listen anymore. If I was strong, I would stick by my gut and leave him. But that would mean leaving my job where I think people actually cared. They either cared or they just wanted to hear the latest drama so they could gossip behind my back. I have no idea who or what I can believe anymore.
I just hope his next girlfriend heeds my warnings. I'm sure she thinks I'm pyscho and that's because she's only heard if the things I do from him. Of course I would look crazy-hes only out for his own gain. I was a decent person. Now- I'm just a body. Someone going through the motions until I finally give up. That would of course require the courage. He will ask me tomorrow to apologise -what am I supposed to do? Ii don't want to loose a best friend, but let's face it-I never was one. He just used me like he will use her. And if he marriers her, one will commit suicide as well-its only fitting.
I can stand to be alive anymore. I am miserable. I am pathetic. No one wants me and no one ever will. I am done. I am so done with life and this concept of living.
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When everything goes to shit, you realize how alone you are in life. No one matters. No one cares. All you are is a piece of shit that deserves to slowly bleed to death. #goodbyelife
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Fucking truth and a half. Fuck that cunt he left me for. She is nothing but the scum of hell
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