thisisnarcissismtalking

[thisisnarcissismtalking]

Oh dear. Maybe I should also make something about my attitude to getting better in a relationship, because I don't want to be misunderstood.

Later. I will, but later. The rainy day isn't doing my energy any good.

Hi dearies

You see, the thing is that I don't have anything that interesting happening right now, that I'm very unsure what to talk to you about. And it's all because I don't do much except studying and planning a DND campaign, because my dearest girlfriend is out of town!! 😭😭😭

And I know, I know, I'll see her soon when I move in with her, but it won't be the same due to university starting, our study hours being vastly different, and general big city conditions being sadder and... more boring in a way. It may be just my attachment to this town and our little adventures around it, but it's real.

So! I thought I'm gonna speak some stuff about relationships, friendships and generally my attitude towards people in my life - as a narcissist. Cause that's a thing that I thought very much about lately and I need to get it out of me finally.

Because I really don't think I need so many people in my life - in a deep, close relationship way. And that being said, I don't think I do have.. like, you know, close friends?

The person closest to me, my girlfriend, is also my very, very close friend in a way. She knows a lot about me, I try to tell her everything and to not keep secrets. It's hard because I'm not yet feeling that well about some of my narcissistic traits, that part of society would probably deem strong flaws. You know - the jealousy, the high need for constant attention and praise despite not doing much, or even, resulting from these, passive and negative attitude towards some people and ideas. Because when I'm jealous of someone I usually tend to get quiet and unhappy, and I can't for the love of god hide it, so I just come off as acting weird xddd

But yesterday I realized another thing about me. And it's that I am.. pretty much indifferent to most people. And holy hell is it a complicated subject though.

It's not like I don't hang out with people. I even like some of them. But it isn't anything more than that. They are people I meet sometimes to go on a short walk or play DND with. And the thing is, I do not feel empathy, practically at all. Adding up these things - I am mostly indifferent to what happens in their lives unless I can somehow see myself in them (worse thing is if they see themselves in me sometimes, because they are usually wrong and it's weird, stop projecting onto me people, only my gf knows me well enough to guess what's up with me xdd).

It's hard because I also have a thing with seeing relationships as "what can I get if I talk to this person". And because of this, my attitude towards university colleagues is right now "get to know someone so you would have a person you can get notes from, and maybe borrow money sometimes if you need", cause that was a surprising lot of my high school relationships. But I don't feel the need to befriend anyone. I don't need friends.

And yeah, many people would say "wdym it's hard, it's so cool! I wish I wouldn't need friends, I don't like caring about other people...."

...idk, I don't know what to say to you. I don't relate at all xdd I just sometimes feel bad about it. Cause on one hand I would like to know someone who would understand me, maybe someone cool with similar interests as me, but on the other, I just know that I wouldn't feel the need to contact them, talk and make moves to get the friendship going. Probably also get tired of them quickly.

I may just... very much not like people and hate everyone that isn't my girlfriend because they tire me, they have problems that they talk about often and that I don't care about at all, and sometimes they're funny. But that's all. I don't even feel I want praise from them because I don't care about it.

I hold dearly sweet words from my favorite person and time spent with them. I care about them and wouldn't ever want that relationship to end. And it's not for the stereotypical reasons - she criticizes me a lot, and she's not treating me like a walking goddess, only giving me praise. Nah, I just love her. Actually and honestly. I want to get better for her in ways that I can. And these aren't things I would say about anyone else in the whole world.

....I wonder if my npd has something to do with being demisexual. It would be a really interesting connection considering all of the above, don't you think?

That would be all for today. I think. I would maybe do a post about my relationship with myself too. So maybe it's not all for today, but for now.

[thisisnarcissismtalking]

Hi dearies

You see, the thing is that I don't have anything that interesting happening right now, that I'm very unsure what to talk to you about. And it's all because I don't do much except studying and planning a DND campaign, because my dearest girlfriend is out of town!! 😭😭😭

And I know, I know, I'll see her soon when I move in with her, but it won't be the same due to university starting, our study hours being vastly different, and general big city conditions being sadder and... more boring in a way. It may be just my attachment to this town and our little adventures around it, but it's real.

So! I thought I'm gonna speak some stuff about relationships, friendships and generally my attitude towards people in my life - as a narcissist. Cause that's a thing that I thought very much about lately and I need to get it out of me finally.

Because I really don't think I need so many people in my life - in a deep, close relationship way. And that being said, I don't think I do have.. like, you know, close friends?

The person closest to me, my girlfriend, is also my very, very close friend in a way. She knows a lot about me, I try to tell her everything and to not keep secrets. It's hard because I'm not yet feeling that well about some of my narcissistic traits, that part of society would probably deem strong flaws. You know - the jealousy, the high need for constant attention and praise despite not doing much, or even, resulting from these, passive and negative attitude towards some people and ideas. Because when I'm jealous of someone I usually tend to get quiet and unhappy, and I can't for the love of god hide it, so I just come off as acting weird xddd

But yesterday I realized another thing about me. And it's that I am.. pretty much indifferent to most people. And holy hell is it a complicated subject though.

It's not like I don't hang out with people. I even like some of them. But it isn't anything more than that. They are people I meet sometimes to go on a short walk or play DND with. And the thing is, I do not feel empathy, practically at all. Adding up these things - I am mostly indifferent to what happens in their lives unless I can somehow see myself in them (worse thing is if they see themselves in me sometimes, because they are usually wrong and it's weird, stop projecting onto me people, only my gf knows me well enough to guess what's up with me xdd).

It's hard because I also have a thing with seeing relationships as "what can I get if I talk to this person". And because of this, my attitude towards university colleagues is right now "get to know someone so you would have a person you can get notes from, and maybe borrow money sometimes if you need", cause that was a surprising lot of my high school relationships. But I don't feel the need to befriend anyone. I don't need friends.

And yeah, many people would say "wdym it's hard, it's so cool! I wish I wouldn't need friends, I don't like caring about other people...."

...idk, I don't know what to say to you. I don't relate at all xdd I just sometimes feel bad about it. Cause on one hand I would like to know someone who would understand me, maybe someone cool with similar interests as me, but on the other, I just know that I wouldn't feel the need to contact them, talk and make moves to get the friendship going. Probably also get tired of them quickly.

I may just... very much not like people and hate everyone that isn't my girlfriend because they tire me, they have problems that they talk about often and that I don't care about at all, and sometimes they're funny. But that's all. I don't even feel I want praise from them because I don't care about it.

I hold dearly sweet words from my favorite person and time spent with them. I care about them and wouldn't ever want that relationship to end. And it's not for the stereotypical reasons - she criticizes me a lot, and she's not treating me like a walking goddess, only giving me praise. Nah, I just love her. Actually and honestly. I want to get better for her in ways that I can. And these aren't things I would say about anyone else in the whole world.

....I wonder if my npd has something to do with being demisexual. It would be a really interesting connection considering all of the above, don't you think?

That would be all for today. I think. I would maybe do a post about my relationship with myself too. So maybe it's not all for today, but for now.

[thisisnarcissismtalking]

Hello dearies

My name is Gabriela, but you can call me Koszka too. I love cats, books, and dumb pseudo-documentaries on tv. I am a baby bat, although already fully in love with goth, dark aesthetics. I'm a big introvert, seemingly unhappy most of the time, but really just tired for most part. Most people annoy me, though.

And also, it is very likely that I have NPD - narcissistic personality disorder.

This blog is meant to be a place where I can talk about my daily life as a narcissist. There are some cool blogs about it, but honestly, resources about navigating day-to-day life as a narcissist seem almost non-existent. For example, there definitely are places where you can read how to "get better and heal from a relationship with a narcissist", or vents about how it's hard being in a relationship while also dealing with npd yourself.

And I, honestly, am having really hard time lately dealing with how npd affects my mood, my actions and my thoughts. For example, I am not yet fully aware of moments when my (huuuge) need for attention starts becoming an issue, because it's not fulfilled entirely. This causes me to get stressed and moody, which often results in lashing out on my closest ones. Or I'm starting to act really dramatically when I'm just having a slight headache.

Yeah, it happens. And I'm on my way to become more and more aware about these kind of situations. But even so, they still happen sometimes. Furthermore, sometimes I tend to aggressively ignore them because I'm feeling like a bad person. Even despite being aware that jealousy is a very humane thing, and that low empathy can result in good things and seemingly out-of-the-box actions by which I show my love and support.

I wanna talk more about not only my daily life and a vivid world of emotions I keep to myself and not really talk about, but also my relationship with my awesome girlfriend. I'm grateful for her everyday - because of her patience with me, understanding, and willingness to keep up with my bullshit, while also keeping an eye on moments when I really just need to chill out, get my shit together and stop being too dramatic about something.

And saying that she's absolutely my favorite person ever is as true as saying that I too am jealous of her sometimes. The best way to describe these thoughts and feelings is just... this song.

Even so, I'm aware that we both have our own struggles and I'm trying very hard to show her my support too. We're just really different.

So... if anyone's interested, feel free to follow. I'm mostly gonna use this blog as kind of a journal to keep track of my thoughts. But there are also gonna be a lot of posts about the adventures of Goth Narcissistic Vampire and Silly Autistic Goblin. We're like... together vs the world. And I love her very much!

So, maybe some little lost flower can find it and see for themselves that it's okay. That they are not a monster. And that they can be loved too.

For now though, bye bye. I've got things that need to be done.

[thisisnarcissismtalking]

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