thisistheparadoxlife-blog - Tumblr blog

[thisistheparadoxlife-blog]

Pug in his new jammies

[thisistheparadoxlife-blog]

you should never find yourself having to convince or beg someone to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Wolftyla (via kushandwizdom)

  (via kushandwizdom)

[thisistheparadoxlife-blog]

This is how you acknowledge an ex after a break up. (reposted)

Today was supposed to be our 4 year anniversary. It's 12:00AM and it's officially been 126,144,000 seconds, 2,102,400 minutes, 35,040 hours, 1460 days, 208 weeks, 48 months, and counting since I have met you and fell in love with you. And during that time. I've had the best years of my life with you. Even though we are no longer together, today is still our day and because we aren't a couple anymore, I'd at least like to celebrate how our relationship has helped me grow over the years and how amazing of a girl you truly are. I'm so happy that you came into my life. As flawed as I am, you accepted me and you helped shape me into becoming a better man and I am grateful for that. You've even taught me some things along the way and added more layers to my personality. Being with you motivated me to get back into school after dropping out. You've even inspired me to get a career instead of working dead end jobs. These days, I'm on my way to finish college and develop a career that'll give me financial stability for the rest of my life and that was all influenced by you and for that, I am indebted to you. You have done more for me than anyone else ever has and I will never stop appreciating you for it. It's unfortunate that life gets in the way and it's driven us to end our relationship. I didn't want it to happen. At least, not at first. But over the past few weeks, I've rediscovered parts of myself that I forgot were there and I've reconnected with the people whom have always been there. I've realized that there is still so much more to be happy about and there is still so much love left in my life. Yes, you've hurt me. You've made mistakes that have caused me pain. You've done things that have broken me. You've mistreated me in a way that made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Despite that, I've forgiven you for it all and I won't dwell in it. However, I'm not going to act like I haven't done my fair share of wrongdoings to you as well and for all of those things I've done whether they were unintentional or on purpose, I'm sorry. Up to this point, we've only been broken up for 3 weeks and there's still a possibility that we'll get back together, but in case we don't and this break up is finalized, I just wanted to thank you for the experience. Thank you for giving me a chance when everyone else didn't. Thank you for loving me when I thought nobody would. Thank you for being there for me when I felt like I had no friends. Thank you for supporting me when I was on the verge of giving up on life. Thank you for believing in me when I thought I wouldn't amount to anything. Thank you for giving me strength when I felt too weak to be able to accomplish my goals. Thank you for coming out of nowhere and surprising me with the fact that a girl like you exists. Thank you for turning out to be the best thing that's ever happened to me. Thank you for making an impact so significant in my life that it will follow me forever. I'm glad we broke up for something that didn't involve some act of betrayal and that we're still able to be civil with one another. I don't hate you for leaving me. I can never hate you. I only hope that you were able to see that I was the best boyfriend I could possibly be for you and I tried my best to give you the world, even if it was only a fraction of it. We were supposed to outlast them all, but I don't regret a thing and I'm happy we happened. If we are meant to get back together and give us another try, then things will fall into place on their own and we can take it from there. But until and if such a time comes, let's live because we are still too young and there's so much more living that has to be done before we figure out what's best for us. Let's take this break up as an opportunity to establish ourselves to be what we want to be in life before we possibly find our way back to each other. Let's explore and see what life has to offer us. Let's find ourselves, okay? And if you do happen to find someone else along the way, then I hope you'll be able to find happiness with him as you did with me, only it'll be the kind of happiness that stays. And I'll be happy that I got to be the one who helped prepare you for him. For now, I don't know how long it'll be until I'll move on. I don't know how long it'll take to get over you. But I just want you to know, I'll start the process of letting you go because you wanted to be on your own and you can't do that if I keep holding on. So, I'll respect your wishes and let you be. Whenever you need me, I'll be here. I am finally at peace with losing you because I'm just thankful I even had you for as long as I did. Maybe we've outgrown each other. Maybe we've become bored of ourselves and in doing so, became bored of each other. Maybe we've lost ourselves along the way and in doing so, things between us died down. Maybe we've realized we want different things and it's no longer the right time to be together. But that's for us to know, because only we can truly understand us. Perhaps, I could have just sent this directly to you. Perhaps, a simple text message would have been more appropriate. Perhaps, I should have kept these thoughts private and not get so personal. But I've always been the kind of guy who had no filter when it comes to expressing his feelings and people have seen our relationship over the years thru countless pictures with paragraphs from me expressing how much you're worth to me. This is no different. I don't mind letting the world know what you still mean to me. You will be a tough act to follow. I will miss you. I love you. I will always love you. Happy 4 year anniversary to us.

[thisistheparadoxlife-blog]

I am still waiting for you to come back because I am a hopeless romantic, although being romantic is not a disease. But with time, my waiting changed in tone and color, it became more abstract. I started learning how to live with it. Despair changed to hope and as time passes, it will start changing into something similar to a religious feeling. ‘Cause my religion is passion and my expectations sky high. There is much love inside my heart and I do not want to kill it. Love is a pure, uplifting feeling, that has nothing to do with possession. This is why people who are capable of much love start becoming spiritual at some point in their life.

[thisistheparadoxlife-blog]

Youtube comments on radiohead songs

[thisistheparadoxlife-blog]

365 days without you 100 books and 24 packs of cigarettes 7 poems for you and an angry letter Endless tears and sleepless nights Put all those numbers together And the puzzle pieces that is my heart would exceed the sum of all

[thisistheparadoxlife-blog]

I’m not anyone’s first choice. I’m not anyone’s favourite. People may tell me I mean a lot to them and that I’m special to them but I know there’s someone they will always choose over me

me (via anomalistic-stateofmind)

[thisistheparadoxlife-blog]

[thisistheparadoxlife-blog]

What do you have to say about those insecure girls? (x)

[thisistheparadoxlife-blog]

[thisistheparadoxlife-blog]

[thisistheparadoxlife-blog]

[thisistheparadoxlife-blog]

7 MONTHS

It has been 7 months since Derick and I broke up. Almost a year.. Had a different boyfriend after Derick and I broke up. We’ve been together for 2 months only but I realized that i didn’t want to hurt him anymore and i didn���t wanna hurt myself further. I wasn’t happy with him. And I didn’t want to hurt him much more than I already did. AND I AM SO FUCKING RUDE BECAUSE I GOT HURT, YES. BUT THAT DOESN’T GIVE ME THE RIGHT TO HURT SOMEONE BACK! AND I AM MUCH MORE PAIN BECAUSE OF HOW I HATE MYSELF FOR WHAT I DID. BECAUSE THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO IS TO HURT SOMEONE. Fuck!!!!!!!!!! But up until now I continuously hurt myself by thinking about how great Derick is as a bestfriend at the same time as a boyfriend and how I am still waiting in vain for him to come back and regret all of the things he has done. I was seriously wanting for the OLD Derick to come back. Hopeless, but still hoping. (ya get it hahaha) Did you know that I pray EVERY SINGLE DAY that I can move on and forget about Derick completely. (omg i think this is the first heart broken post about him that I courageously mentioned his whole first name) I pray every single day that he changes for the better, that he should do a great job at school everyday, that he should push himself a bit more to go to the gym more often (bc good gracious look at those fats he looks like a dad wth but still he looks cute being fat sometimes hahahahaha) that he stop breaking every girl’s heart that comes along his way and be serious enough to start a fresh relationship with someone (this is a serious prayer im tellin’ u) and I seriously pray that I hope he’s happy all the time because I know him. If he’s too sad or problematic, he just drinks alcohol to solve it. It’s really painful for me to see Derick or see his posts on Facebook, hear his voice, hear his name, remember all those stupid but unforgettable memories with him. That’s just life isn’t it? That one person who made you SO FUCKING HAPPY AND SO FUCKING SPECIAL, is the same person WHO MADE YOU FEEL ALONE AND MADE YOU FEEL HATRED AND SADNESS AND PAIN AND LONELINESS AND EVERY FUCKING NEGATIVE FEELING. But you know what? It’s weird that I’m not even angry at him. Not even a little. While I was talking to God while praying, I said “God, I want to apologize for all the things I have done wrong and I want to apologize for all those people whom I have hurt. I hope they know that I’m really sorry for being insensitive and hurtful sometimes and I’m granting forgiveness for those who had done me wrong especially those people who didn’t even bother to say sorry for hurting me or whatsoever. I’m forgiving them so that I can release some negative feelings in my life.” Isn’t that so over the top and melodramatic? Hahahahahaha! But it’s true though. That’s why it takes me so freaking long whenever I pray at church. But anyway.... my friends might say that I should move on because it has been 7 months. Yes, they’re right. I should. From the beginning of the break-up I could move on that easily IF I WANTED TO IN THE FIRST PLACE. But, IT WAS MY CHOICE THAT I DIDN’T WANT TO MOVE ON. So basically, it is indeed my fault. My choice to not move on and keep on hurting myself. One of the main reasons that I pour my heart out on my posts here because I may look back on this 1 year from now and I’m just gonna laugh it off and say, “Wow was I this stupid? What the actual fuck I’m so embarrassing!!!!” I’M SO EXCITED FOR THAT DAY THAT IM GONNA FEEL NOTHING BUT LAUGHTER. Hahahahaha! PLUS, I want to pour my heart out on this because I couldn’t share it with anyone and I just want to flush out all that I’m feeling right now because whenever I share these thoughts with my friends, they’ll just think I’m too pathetic. YES, I AM PATHETIC. CAN SOMEONE JUST BANG MY HEAD AGAINST A WALL SO I CAN WAKE UP FROM THIS FREAKING NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sigh. I’m really really really really sad. I MISS DERICK. I MISS HIM SO MUCH IT HURTS BECAUSE I KNOW THAT WHENEVER I THINK OF HIM, I DON’T EVEN CROSS HIS MIND. NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT. I DON’T WANNA MISS HIM ANYMORE. THIS. FUCKING. SUCKS. I hope God grants my wish of HUGGING DERICK FOR THE LAST TIME AND I’LL TELL HIM HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM AND I PROMISE,                             I WILL LET GO OF HIM. I PROMISE. If I just get that chance to hug him tight and tell him I love him for the last time, then.... that’ll be the end of it. I’ll finally let him go no matter how much it fucking hurts. :---) 

“I can’t believe how unfair life is, ‘cause I’m tired.”

[thisistheparadoxlife-blog]

The queen is officially back!!!!!!!!!!

Gonna update real soon. Right away after our finals. Semestral break is coming!! So many things happened in my life that I haven’t had the chance to update you. I’m sorry. Haha!

[thisistheparadoxlife-blog]

It’s 4:40 am, May 5, 2015, wala pa kong tulog. Lahat na ng tao dito sa bahay tulog na. Palagi na lang akong ganto. Walang tulog, tulog sa umaga, daily basis na to ng buhay ko. Hahaha. Alam mo ba? Kakaiyak ko lang kagabe na naman. For the nth time. Umiyak na naman ako. Nakatulog na naman ako na iyak ng iyak. Alam mo ba nung May 2? Nakita ko siya. Pagpunta ko ng school kasi magk-committee ako sa basketball nila paolo nun. Papasok pa lang ako ng mis, nakita ko na agad kotse niya. Napamura na ko kagad. Hahaha. So nire-ready ko na sarili ko. Sabe ko sa sarili ko, makita ko man siya, wala na dapat akong maramdaman. Pero puta, pagtapak na pagkatapak ko sa court, ang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko. Nakita ko sya, naka-man bun pa nga eh. naka-pula. Nagkatitigan kami. AWKWARD. So yun. Ilang beses kami nagkatitigan. Sa isip isip ko, mukhang okay na siya. Masaya na siya. Di na dapat ako naapektuhan. Alam mo ba? Nung nagkita kami, may 2 nun. 41 months na sana kami. Haha, pero wala eh? Kung hindi talaga kami para sa isa’t isa, hindi kami diba? Alam mo, a lot of people were asking me. “Bakit ba hanggang ngayon naapektuhan ka pa rin sakanya? Jusko naman Paula, move one move on din.” Kung kasing dali lang ng pag-tae ang pagmu-move on, kingina matagal na kong move on kung ganun lang yun kadali. Alam mo ba? I could still remember yung months na on off on off relationship kaming dalawa. Unang break-up namin nung 3rd year kami. Nakipag-break ako. Tangina sobrang nasakal ako. Pero alam mo ba ginawa niya nun? Naglaro lang sya ng dota then he left me a message on facebook. Sabe niya, “Baby can we talk later? :(” Taray, umi-english pa sya nun kaya medyo natawa pa ko nun. Hay, lakas ng memorya ko when it comes to him ano? Puta. 2nd break-up namin, kaka-start lang ng classes ng 4th year namin, naging mag-mu sila ng friend ko. Sobrang na-hurt ako nun as in legit kase syempre friend mo diba? Tropa. Tas papatusin niya syota mo? Pero alam mo ba? Pinatawad ko yung friend ko nun and dahil dun, mas naging super close kami. 3rd break-up namin, yung nahuli siya ng mga tropa ko na galing sa bahay ng isang babae na schoolmate ko. Ayun, na-confirm ko mismo dun sa babae na totoo nga. Iyak ako ng iyak nun. Kase alam mo? Excited na excited ako sa Senior’s night namin. Plano pa nga namin na mag-matchy match ng color ng damit sa grad ball. Siya pa talaga nakipag-break nun. Puta, right before graduation pa yun ha. Kung kelan sabay kami gagraduate, biglang naudlot. Tas ganun mangyayare? Putangina kung hindi ka ba naman talaga sawi. After ng break-up namin right before graduation, last week of june ng magkabalikan kami. After nun, nagka-gf siya. Nakita ko pa nga sila dumaan sila sa classroom ko, hhww pa. Wala na bang mas sasaya pa sa nakita ko nung time na yun? :----) After bumalik ng dubai yung common bestfriend naming dalawa, nagkausap kami ulit nun. Nagka-chat. As usual nagkabalikan. Pero iniwan niya na naman ulit ako. Walang sawang iwanan ano po? Nagkabalikan kami sembreak nun. Tandang-tanda ko, papunta kami ng South cemetery nagtext siya. Nung una pa nga tinatanong niya ko kung pwede bang maging friends na ulit kami. ULOL FRIENDS MY ASS. Tas kinaumagahan, yun inamin niya na sobrang dami na niyang pagkakamaling nagawa, sobrang daming beses na daw nya kong nasaktan, aware naman daw siya dun. Ayun, syempre ako si tanga, naniwala naman. Nagkabalikan. Nag-celebrate pa nga kami ng 3rd anniversary namin eh. After ng week ng anniversary namin, di na siya nagparamdam. Alam ko na naman pinahihiwatig niya sa mga hindi niya paramdam paramdam na yan. Di ko na siya kinausap. Di ko na pinilit na ayusin or anything. Walang closure. Walang anything. Ayun, nalaman ko nagde-date na pala sila nung isa kong tropa. HA HA HA HA PUTANGINA NAPAKA-SAYA NAMAN PO DIBA? Wala na kong nagawa. Nag-sorry sakin yung tropa ko, sabi nya titigilan na daw niya. Tapos pinaringgan ako sa twitter na kesho di daw ako maka-move on ganyan ganyan. Putangina, sorry ah? Puta napatawad ko na siya eh, tas malalaman ko nagde-date pa rin sila? Ulol, titigilan my ass. Ayun fast forward to March. Debut ng isang common friend namin. Na dating pinagseselosan ko pa ng sobra. Nakakaloka! Hahaha! All of our friends na nadun, they all thought na kami ulit. kase the way we acted that night. I mean, hindi kami awkward nun or what. Chumibog pa nga kami nang kung ano ano sa tindahan eh nasa party naman kami. Bobo hahahaha. Ayun, pinahiram pa nga niya ako ng jacket niya, naka-dress kasi ako nun. Sabe niya, “Oh suotin mo to. Alam mong ayoko sa lahat nababastos ka diba?” Ayun umalis kami ng party mga 2 am. tapos nag-mcdo kami. Habang nagda-drive siya ihatid ako pauwi, hinawakan niya yung kamay ko tas sabe niya, “Namiss kita.” Tapos yun, as usual. AS EXPECTED. Haha. Pero netong last week of march lang, ayun iniwan na naman niya ko. Ayaw na daw niya eh. Wag ko na daw itanong kung bakit. Siguro pinagsawaan niya na ako kagad kaya ganun. Tangina, tatlong taon mo ba namang girlfriend di ka ba magsasawa? Baka siguro yun naramdaman niya. Syempre di naman ako maganda, di rin ako ganun katalino, di ako sexy, di ako ganun kabait. Syempre matic na natitikim talaga siya ng bagong ulam kase sawa na siya sakin eh. Alam mo ba pag kinukwento ko sa mga kaibigan ko, kung pano niya ko tawaging “pokpok” “bitch”, etc. and kung pano niya ako saktan physically nung kami pa halos sampal-sampalin na ko ng mga tropa ko sa sobrang martyr ko daw. Naawa pa nga ako sa sarili ko dati sa tuwing nahuhuli ako ni Mommy na may mga sugat, I had to make up these disgusting lies para lang hindi malaman na nasasaktan pala ako. Pero alam mo pag kinukwento ko naman sa iba kung pano nagsimula lovestory namin, daig ko pa ata yung tipo na pinansin ka ng crush mo sa sobrang kilig ko pag kinukwento ko. Bakit ko pa kase iniiyakan yung taong wala namang pake? Alam mo ba kahit pag nagiging kami ulit, alam ko sa sarili ko deep inside hindi na naman niya talaga ako mahal eh.  Kahit ilang beses ako sinampal ng mga tropa ko ng realidad na past time lang ako, nilalabas ko yun sa kabilang tenga ko.Pero alam ko yung totoo. HINDI NIYA NA KO MAHAL. Alam mo pinipilit ko syang intindihin nun. Kahit gano pa ka-pangit na side niya nakikita ko, hindi ako bumibitaw. Kase mahal ko eh, diba? Pero lagi kong nare-realize na kung mahal ko talaga siya, kailangan kong unahin kung san sya sasaya. Okay lang kahit sobrang sakit para sakin. Alam mo ba up until now pinagdadasal ko kay God na tulungan niya na ko mag-move on. Dati pinagdadasal ko lagi na sana balikan niya ko. Pero ngayon sa sobrang nabago ata ako ng sakit na nararamdaman ko, ginugusto ko na talagang makamove on. Wala eh. No choice ako diba? Kahit na deep inside alam ni Lord, at alam ko sa sarili ko na may part sakin na naghihintay na babalik pa siya. Pero sinasabi ko sasarili ko na, “Tangina tama na. Di ka ba naaawa sa sarili mo? Kung hindi ka ba talaga nga naman pinanganak na bobita sa pag-ibig teh.” Alam mo ba, ang dami ng umaamin na gusto nila ko or nagbabalak sila ligawan ako. Pero am I too mean for rejecting each one that comes along my way? Or was I too hurt and too scared to open up my heart again? Alam mo yung pakiramdam na nasayo na yung taong sure na sure ka na siya na gusto mong makasama forever, na siya ang gusto mong makita sa bawat araw na gigising ka? Na siya na yung lalaking maghihintay sayo sa altar at iiyak pagkakita niya sayo while youre walking down the aisle? Yung lalaking gusto mong maging ama ng magiging anak mo? Yung taong pag tinititigan mo, mapapa-smile ka na lang tas masasabi mo sa sarili mo na, “Lord, thank you for giving me this person. I couldnt ask for more.” pero you let him slip away from your hands kase alam mong yun yung right thing to do? Sinasabi ko pa kay lord na, lagi niyang babantayan siya. Kase may pagkaloko-loko yun. Sana wag hahayaan ni Lord na mag-drive yun ng lasing. Sana tulungan siya ni Lord na magpursigi lalo mag-aral para makatulong siya sa parents niya since siya ang panganay at high school student pa lang younger brother niya. Sana mahanap na niya yung babaeng iintindihin siya at all times. Yung babaeng andyan lagi for him no matter what. Yung babaeng tatanggapin siya kahit medyo bad boy siya. Kahit bad ass yun, nako pag nakilala mo yung tunay na siya, soft-hearted yun. Umiyak pa nga yun sa ending ng My girlfriend is a Gumiho eh. Hahahaha! Hay naiyak na tuloy ako. Mare-realize ko lang talaga na sa happy memories ako naiiyak. Kase alam kong di na mangyayare yun ulit. Alam kong memory na lang lahat yun. Minsan nga pag sobrang lungkot ko happy memories namin naaalala ko or yung ways niya kung pano ako i-cheer up, ang saya ko na kagad.Siya nga nagturo sakin kung pano maging matapang. Na minsan, sarili mo lang at si God ang masasandalan mo. Siya nga nagturo sakin kung pano magpakatatag ng sobra. Siya nga nagturo sakin kumain ng kwek-kwek eh. Hahahahaha. Napaka-thankful ko na dumating siya sa buhay ko. kahit mas malaking impact yung times na heartbroken ako because of him, im happy na he made me feel special at some point. When no one was there for me, andun siya. Kahit minsan mas pinipili ko ang 1d over him, he loved me still. hahaha. Napaka-thankful ako at hindi ko lang siya naging boyfriend, naging bestfriend k siya, brother, even 2nd dad siguro hahahaha lahat. Namimiss ko na na pag may pinagdadaanan ako, or kahit anong pumasok sa isip ko, kayang-kaya kong sabihin sakanya. Sa sobrang dami naming napagdaanan, hindi ko na matandaan yung iba. I hope he’s happy now. Siguro kung malungkot yun ngayon at nag-iinom na naman yun gabi-gabi dadagukan ko talaga yun. Sana masaya na talaga siya. Kahit na nagtataka ako sa sarili ko bat hindi ko kayang magalit sakanya? Kase mahal ko eh diba? Alam kong maraming pinoproblema yun, pero alam kong kaya niya yun. If I really love him, I should set him free diba? Or kung mahal mo, habulin mo? Hay buhay. Haha, iiyak na naman ao siguro bago matulog. Walang sawang pag-iyak. Iiyak hangga’t masakit pa. Until it hurts no more. Heaven kows how much it hurts me to see him happy with someone else. Pero I want him to be happy, even if its not with me. Heaven knows how much I miss him pero things are better off this way siguro? :) Heaven knows how much I still love him, pero if I love him I have to do sacrifices. KUNG MAHAL KO, KAILANGAN KO TALAGA SIYA KALIMUTAN. Kase yun na eh. Hanggang dun na lang talaga. Kailangan ko naman tulungan sarili ko. Sarili ko naman ang dapat kong mahalin lalo. Sarili ko naman dapat ang pagtuunan ko ng pansin. Diba? Pain is inevitable. It can kill you softly too. Kailangan ko ng tumingin sa brighter side. Hay, magbebirthday na naman ako ng malungkot. Hay. PAKATATAG LANG. KAYA KO TO. TANGINA KAHIT SOBRANG SAKIT KAKAYANIN KO TO. PUTA AKO PA BA?

[thisistheparadoxlife-blog]

Goodnight.

idk why i feel sad and shattered all the time tangina