thlovesover-blog

[thlovesover-blog]

X-mas

Did you invite me? Or did I invite myself? I don’t remember. I planned a trip to Paris. I had been there once before but that was certainly not enough. That time I was to see another side of the city.

The hotel was somewhere not exactly on the outskirts but in the district inhabited by immigrants. Luckily I arrived in the daytime, it was still light, so I could enter offices and ask about my destination. It seemed not a well-known place. It took time to find it and passing across the bridge filled with immigrants selling and buying something was quite a fearful experience. The following day was easier. I got used to it, I found it even friendly, though so incredibly dirty!

For the first time in my life I travelled in winter. Paris was an immense sea of light when seen from the plane. What a contrast with my dear little Motherland! Christmas decorations in windows attracted by their simplicity and exclusiveness. I was going to be impressed even more in Italy.

I roamed along the streets, attended Centre Georges Pompidou resembling a huge refinery. Looked at its strange exhibits sometimes like a total fool. No, this type of art is definitely not for me.

Sacre Coeur as if had been floating in the winter sky above the city. Using underground, following the map, reading signs in French was a challenge. Getting this experience at about fifty might sound silly, and actually sorry I hadn’t had it before.

I found a café in rue Rivoli where I learned that not only Russians and post - Soviet products are fond of cheapies and takeaways. Smart looking madam had another helping of a side dish, filled a plastic container and placed into her handbag. Life can be miserable even in this feast city.

Looking round Notre Dame was a must. French gothic is oppressive unlike Italian. I got out of there as if I got out of the grave. By the way there is a tomb to Jean of Arc inside.

Another great experience of that winter was flying from Paris Charles De Gaulle Airport. For a traveller like me who chose package tours because of their price and because of the fear of getting lost or something it was a shock. I guess it is the size of my native town with far better developed infrastructure. The main thing was to get to the right terminal at the right time. And I succeeded!

The plane was packed like a barrel with herring! Young Italians were flocking to the south. I was sitting literally in the back row. Had a feeling of a local bus going to the nearest farm. The flight was noisy at the beginning, but don’t remember much as seem to have fallen asleep as soon as they reached the altitude. I woke up right in time for landing.

You were waiting for me at the airport. The drive to your studio didn’t take long. It was the same small cluttered messy place. But you definitely tried to bring some order into it. You bought some handmade pies to treat me after the flight. They were delicious. You bought me a set of towels of nice cream white colour with my monogram! How touching! I knew that you had been looking forward to my visit. Never before did I feel so much desired.

It must have been the most remarkable Christmas of your life. You didn’t have Christmas dinner with your father. You didn’t go to give presents to your sister. You stayed with me. Now I feel that it was wrong to deprive you of your family in holiday time. Our parents are old and we really have to devote more time to them not to have ill consciousness afterwards.

But that winter I had a different opinion.

I think it was pouring for 2 consequent days. Later there were reports on TV about floods in some streets. We didn’t care. Luckily the window right above our bed wasn’t leaking. The bed was narrow for two of us in the rare moments when we were lying side to side. I seem to have been hanging on the very edge. Or was squeezed to the wall. Or vice versa. Really neither of us cared. What sexercises did I show you that time? I don’t remember. They were quite a few as you confessed later. Something you had never tried and you were impressed.

Though as time showed none of that helped to keep you.

When it finally stopped raining we got outside to find all the impressive Christmas decorations in the shop windows and in the streets. That’s where I got inspiration for all the following years school New Year Decoration contests. Must say we won all of them.

We went for pizza somewhere up the hill. Not only was I astonished at the choice and the pizza itself, I was amazed at the service most of all. How personal it was. I was literally fascinated with the waiters’ work. They seemed to be flying from table to table. They were always asking if all was well, if we needed something. After pizza we went for a stroll along the road to have a look at the night city and honestly to lose at least a few calories. Wasn’t that urgent though. There were some other exercises that helped well to burn them.

One more day was devoted to a long train trip to Cinque Terre. On our was we stopped at Santa Margherita, walked along the shore. There was a storm in the night and the beach was covered in seaweeds and wood carried by the waves. Elderly couples holding hands, elegant age signoras with grandchildren, people with pets were passing by. Smartly dressed signors were playing chess on the benches.

I envied. I envied their life. I envied their being well cared at their old age. I fear mine!

It was almost 16 plus! Incredible temperature for me in winter. I couldn’t help stretching on the bench putting head on your lap and enjoying the warmth of the southern sun which I was scarcely supposed to see and to feel within the following few months.

By bus we reached Cinque Terre. We climbed up the hill to see the castle but it was closed. Still I took the most incredible pictures of the neat multi-coloured houses, of you on the pier. I tore some eucalyptus leaves and put them into my pocket.

On the way back an elderly signora draw my attention. We were on the bus when she entered. I couldn’t tear my eyes off her. Mink coat, high heels, gold ear rings and rings. Fashionable hairdo. How I wanted to be her when I am at her age!

Yesterday I checked my old coat pockets. The eucalyptus leaves are still there. All dry and broken but keeping the smell and bringing the memories.

I didn’t feel butterflies in my stomach then. What a pity.

Was it then or in summer that you wanted to introduce me to your father? I refused, telling that I don’t know the language, what would I talk to him about? So it didn’t happen. Alas.

I was leaving before your birthday. I remember bringing you two gifts. One was a hand made spectacle case which you didn’t like at all. And you weren’t even able to disguise it. The other one was a watch which you were wearing for the next few years. I got a stylish leather handbag which I’m still carrying as the best handbag ever.

You took me to Bologna. Even the drive there was memorable. A perfect sunny day. I was basking in the warmth on the chair next to you, I stroke your hair, you kissed my hand. Of course there was a sandwich and the last macchiato in the Autogrill cafe.

Again we parted.

Me: Landed Warsaw thanks a lot for everything happy b-day have good party miss you kiss.

Back home I dived again into my usual school routine. Classes at work and classes at home. Twelve hour working day. To earn just for one more trip to see you? Or something else in Europe? To buy some new clothes to show off at work? Or to have at least some sex? No answers.

You were having fun with friends. Had your archery, took part in competitions even though the prize might have been just a bottle of ketchup. You went somewhere for silly experiments which I always laughed at. You lived your life where there was work but also there was rest. There was time for hobbies. There was time for books.

I didn’t have that. What’s the use of all my University education then I wonder?

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[thlovesover-blog]

Summer

You always recalled lots of personal moments which my memory didn’t keep. Do you think I didn't remember anything because I didn’t care? I did remember and I still remember. I recall how it all started.

I just overcame another parting with another boyfriend. You also overcame a parting and were alone for quite a time. We were both free souls and probably ready for a meeting. Naturally the first meeting happened online. I wanted info about Liguria coast for my new vacation, you were eager to give it. We chatted for some time. Sometimes we didn’t understand each other as had no idea of how well we knew foreign languages. You later said that you were sure I was using Google for translation. But anyway we made an appointment.

You were in Rome on business. And when I came to Genova for the first time it was pretty tough for me to get to Sestri Levante where my hotel was. I managed though. The hotel was rather basic but the owner called me by my first name the moment I turned up. Irrrrryna he pronounced it in a very Italian way. The place was far from the sea, I didn’t care. It was Italy. It was freedom, There was the sun and time for total relax. You texted me as soon as you got form Rome. It was bedtime, I already took my shower and went to bed. You insisted on meeting at once, I agreed. We had a stroll around night Sestri Levante. You showed me Baja de Silencia, which was really de silencia. Finally we made out what languages we both spoke, and how we would communicate, what was common about our past and what is common about our present. When the walk came to an end we fixed another meeting on Sunday to spend time on the beach together.

Definitely remember that you came by train. I was waiting for you in a small garden not far from the beach. The weather was far from being sunny that day. Low dark clouds seemed to cover all the sky. Nothing mattered. At least I wasn’t afraid to get sunburnt with my fair complexion. How wrong I was! It was rather windy so we wrapped into my big green pareo and you decided to refresh your knowledge of vocabulary denoting body parts. You touched me, I named the English words for you. Finally the game stirred mutual desire to have something more than that. You suggested playing in some other place than the beach, I accepted. On the train you continued exploring me, so by the time we reached you home I had had but one desire - to rape you as soon as possible.

But here comes the greatest surprise! In spite of the heavy clouds, in spite of getting wrapped in pareo with my shoulders I managed to get totally burnt! That’s the effect the southern sun usually has on fair creatures like me. You were totally all right with your all season tan. So when it came to real action all I could was to squeak miserably “Massimo, aiuta me”. And that was also my first lesson in spoken Italian.

Anyway we managed. It was fantastic. Either I was too hungry for a male or it was all in one: mood, place, sunburnt skin, you doing your best. I thoroughly enjoyed. You said that you enjoyed it too. You said you had never tried some things we did before.

After a night spent together you invited me to spend the rest of my stay with you in you studio, which I think deserves special attention.

Yes, it was a studio next door to Piazza Principe, on the top floor, under the roof. The windows were facing the sky. One of them was covered with fabric to protect the room from extra sunshine in summer or cold and rain in winter. To the left in the farthest end was a narrow bed, there was something like a wardrobe I think, clothes were hanging and lying everywhere, along the side opposite to the door was a huge checked black and white shelf from one wall to the other. Lots of stuff was there on the shelf too. To the tight was a kitchen corner with a table, stove, some cupboards with dishes. Shower and toilet. That’s all. When I first approached the bed I was a bit shocked with the colour. Seeing my hesitation you persuaded me that it was clean. I honestly doubted, but it was too late to pretend being a lady.

Later you asked why I agreed to go with you without knowing you well, you might have turned a maniac or something. I don’t know why, you inspired trust, we were both in our very late forties. I said I didn’t know how long we would be able to enjoy sex, judging by our age, so why waste precious God given chances? Now I see that it was one of the best decisions in my life. So much joy followed.

You took me back to my hotel in your car just to pick my suitcase. There were sill two (or three?) days for us ahead. We were going to enjoy them to the full.

We spent crazy nights, we got out of bed at midday to have a bite. We couldn’t have enough of each other till totally exhausted.

We spent days roaming around Genova. You showed me all your dearest paces, took me on extended excursions. We took elevator and reached the top of the hill to see the city from the highest point, we ate granita enjoying the sea view, you treated me to Italian specialties – lasagna, focaccia, macchiato. You took pictures of me near the port area in front of a vintage red car which I was perfectly matching in colour. And shopping of course. What did I buy then? Memory erased that.

It didn’t erase your look at the platform when we were parting and I was leaving for Bergamo first then to Prague and Berlin. There were tears in your eyes. Your voice was weak. You said that I might never come again. I was hooked up.

Me:

At airport now. Was night good? With no nightmares?

Massimo:

New number? Yes no nightmares but solitude standing! Ciao. Good Prague!

Me:

Morning Prague was great going to Berlin kiss

Massimo:

Ciao!Kisses!

Hallo!How is Berlin? All well?

Me:

Haven’t seen much but impressed with underground sweet dreams no nightmares

Massimo:

Thanks!!

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!this morning I’ve washed some dresses picked up by the mountain in the bathroom…and I found a rose underpant not mine!!!enjoy Berlin!

Me:

Ok going to wear them?

Massimo:

Hello are you ready to come back in Bielorussia? How are you? I am going to go to my parents. Kisses

That summer you went on a walking tour in Austria. We texted each other and when you returned we continued online. What were we talking about? Anything. Our families work, problems what not. Do you remember the terrific virt we had once? Yes it happened to us. Something to remember. We were planning another meeting.

[thlovesover-blog]

Dear Massimo

It’s all over. But it  was great. I  think I need to tell  you this.  Probably just for  myself, to let  my tears  go out,  otherwise  I fear to harm  myself even  more. Was too  shocked  at hearing the news  to say something. Parting is always uneasy, doesn’t matter how many times it happens in your  life. Anyway I appreciate your sincerity. Better to know  that I am not welcome than to play silly double games.

What I want to do with this letter is to express all my gratitude for the happy memories I have of us being together. In a way you showed me a different world, which I had never seen. And it’s not even in a sense of better life if compared to my country, it’s in a sense of being a couple (which I always dared to consider us). Sharing private moments, holding hands, having someone sleeping  at  your side is really, really great.

I am grateful to you for the support you showed  me this difficult autumn. I am grateful for the opportunity to spend some more time with you in January. Coming to Italy this year was kind of symbolic – crossing state borders  I was thinking  of breaking the circle of my illness and was returning to normal life. Thanks for  not being ashamed of  my nearly bald  head  in restaurants.  Thanks for  giving me generously Italy and your  heart.

What I’m sorry  about is that I didn’t manage to show you my country and let you feel our hospitality. I didn’t feed  you with our  national dishes and national drinks,  that’s a pity.

You know  you were my little  secret  which I kept almost  totally to myself. Even being  apart  most of the  year and  living my own different  life  I still felt  your presence in it.  It gave me self-assurance, it helped to cope with everyday routine.

Thank  you for the naughty cakes of Amsterdam and focaccia di Recco, for Shagal, for all the Renaissance  art and shopping craze of Dusseldorf,  for the time in  the police station, for the missed planes, for always losing  my way, for rainy Christmas in a shabby cluttered studio, for capitals on my towels and  the new shower, for all the tower climbing and 50 shades of taste. All of  that brought sense to my life.

But I must  say you deserve living here  and  now, building your  life  with someone close to you, having partner every day,  not  just twice a  year. Let  this new someone  bring sense  to your life.

And once more  thanks  for being a part  of my life. It  was truly great. But  now it’s all over.

Iryna