thomas-anonymous-nyc

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

January 25, 2025

From Bali

My belly... at 35 y/o is very much annoying to me. It shows weakness and comfort. I can go back home and eat the same fucking thing every day and be good

2025 and my company is about patience. All the things I want to build. But all this moving and shaking the past two months, it feels like it's not anything, but in the end I'm learning what messaging vibes with different people. I have people who want this. Learning how to get them in the door is the challenge, it is not the distraction from the challenge

Enjoy this time with consistent money coming in. Be patient for a run. Because when the run is there and I can sell and I have money to live off for a few years, that's when the clock starts

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

November 23, 2024

No need to keep this up, but that double Arland-Ay and talking with rizz and it's all just funny, open.

I don't need that though. I never did. The same way I don't need the addy, don't need the beer to be interesting. It's just easy with a price

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

November 19, 2024

It's all pretty simple. I told Odiejay. Set a way of living and do it, stick to it.

Drinking in 2025. There's no reason to ever drink alone. Be in love with your future, not your past. 35 y/o man.

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

November 18, 2024

1:50am

you're older now. By the time you try 2017 stuff again, 8 years.

Time. Fucking Flies.

Do it for one year. Challenge yourself to it. Something new. Know that you're going in that direction. It'll be incredible

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

November 16, 2024

11:25pm

I am stone sober from booze as I write this out. I thought of having a beer on an empty stomach for a good time as I sat on the couch. But I've done that many times since I got back from vacation last month. It only makes me want more.

I want to feel like I'm on a journey and making progress rather than waking up 5 days out of the week feeling good and 2 days doing bad, leading to 0 progress. Putting in time, having a goal of some sort.

I have that with my business. But for years still I wake up on Saturdays and have no idea what I should be doing, what I want to do, what would make it feel nice.

I did it in 2017. I want that again, my dude. I want that a lot.

Other bullet points:

Valuing masculinity and manhood over having a good time and giving the appearance of being a free spirit

Getting back on Intermittent Fasting, valuing the progress that comes with that, with having my food and making it and knowing exactly what I'm going to eat and when

Enjoying my life. I still have this feeling that when I say I want to be at ease with my life, what I'm really doing still is "living in the future".

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

November 16, 2024

EDIT: lastly, I want an air gapped computer. One I literally just write and journal on. Something, I don't know. Having so much access to so many things at my fingertips...it fucks with me. I really don't like having access to all these things. reddit. dating sites. but I do love writing and shooting ideas off. It's just too easy to get lost

"Addicted to bad feelings. It's like, 'oh, it has been such a long time since I felt good -- I need to have something to feel good'. But in the end it's like, this is all there is. I wake up every day and it doesn't matter if I feel good. This is reality. It is absolutely fucking amazing to be alive. Why do I need more than I have? I can get really caught in the story about how my life is dumb or it sucks. If I had more friends, if I was able to go out more, if I had a pretty brunette girlfriend, then my life would be better. Then it would be incredible.

What... basis in reality is there that having these things in my life will make it better? I make a $143k, I live in New York City, I made it here. None of these things are going to make me feel better about myself, about reality. It's about deciding that reality is enough. Because reality is always enough"

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

November 16, 2024

I literally have to turn off the WiFi to get anything done. I'm going unconscious all the time.

I was walking down the street today after reading 70 pages of My Year of Rest and Relaxation. I was thinking about what Moshfegh wrote about the "creative, sensitive" men vs the guy she obsesses over. He's clean, masculine. The other guys are alcoholics who have to spend their time thinking about intellectual things because dealing with abstract and intellectual things is a level removed from their sad realities.

I also value that masculinity. I say that I value partying and having a good time, drinking with people, joie de vivre. I drink on a Saturday and I have a lovely time. I feel things, I look cute, look flirty. A million bucks. Sundays, I feel awful. Hangxiety has me eating things, looking less cute. I'm stressed during the week.

Here, let me reduce to bullet points:

I cannot change my life in a day. I can't read 3 hours and make up time. I can't solve things that way.

This causes aimlessness. I can make progress but if I keep waking up weighing 151, it's going to feel all for naught. If I keep making plans to get deep but staying surface level on my reading and writing, it's all going to feel a little shit

While one day of drinking doesn't really hurt, it's the yearning to feel that way which does its toll. Yearning to feel some way on a Saturday.

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

November 1, 2024

I weigh 153lbs.

I was sitting at JZ's Print bar in Brooklyn. Saw one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen sitting by herself at the corner. She had these wonderful bangs and these big ass eyes and this cute chain. She was stylish as fuck. I thought she was waiting for a date but she was alone,

I sat by myself drinking a Last Word. She was looking at me, I looked at her. I'm not going to pretend it was mutual attraction but she was interested in me as a person in a way that some other women who want to be alone at a bar are not. She knew I was there and I knew she was there.

I was listening to music, thinking about my birthday which suddenly was a full month ago. I took out my ear buds and what do you know is playing: Innerbloom by Rufus du Sol.

I'm looking at her during the chorus and she does it... she mouths the lyrics

"I'm Yours..."

And yet in my past month of validation, sex, old dates telling me they want to give it a chance again, beautiful older women who give me the time of day during our solo trips in Lake Como...

I just can't go up to her.

Because I know why I'm here at this bar. I'm here because I'm delaying. I'm not here in the same way when I was exploring SF or Paris or Lake Como.. I'm here against my will. I'm here because I'm afraid of being alone at home. There is no confidence in this fear.

Beautiful girl, maybe I'll see you again... But not now.

We always know how we actually feel about ourselves. The women we approach or don't approach always tell us how we're feeling

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

August 15, 2024

12:00am

34 pages of Less-Brooklyn at Altair. 2 legit cocktails. Gin, gin, gin. Wow wow wow.

Talking to Rizzy, sitting at WashComm. It was popping off when I walked in here. Nobody now. That's how it goes. You stay for the party, you overstay the party, you're said.

Rizzy is cute. I like her. I'm flirting a bit. But she's cute. I want to see more of her.

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

August 5, 2024

At 6:30pm on a Sunday, I had the opportunity to stay in, clean up, sleep early, wake up early. But instead I got a beer, Thai, a couple of cocktails, another beer.

12:50am now.

Was it worth it? No. 20 pages of the Job book. 20 pages of Less-Brooklyn. More food. $85?

Lord.

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

July 15, 2024

Booze logs

6 beers au Mirage for A-Deep, felt pretty shit the next day

2.5 beers and comedy, was a nice night, woke up the next day and still felt that anxiety in my arms

3 beers + football, 1.5 margaritas. I chose not to get any more, almost went to the corner bar to keep it going. But no, I don't do that anymore. Almost bought a buncha fried chicken.

But no, went home, made a sandwich using ingredients I had already...

I'm feeling the pain again pulsing through my arms. And to think my last one was about 5 hours ago. Imagine if I kept going on? And I know I'll still feel it tmrw.

Long week ahead. But I'm happy. This was a nice weekend, certainly for socializing

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

July 3, 2024

You learn more from the hangovers

I remember in November, I had all those drinks, blunting my feelings. I got home and threw up, laid in the shower, I said never again, never again. I'm feeling a bit of that right now.

All these beautiful women on the streets are doing something to me. The bars that were not interesting to me in the cold weather a few months ago have become interesting again. I was sitting next to a couple on a date. The girl was so fucking sexy. I don't have a chance with a woman like her on the apps, but she was looking over, me reading influenced their conversation about books. I had to play the music extra loud so I wouldn't just eavesdrop.

I am not in the same place I was a year ago or two years ago. I have the evidence. I know how good it feels to be in my zone, how confident I am when I'm doing what I said I would be doing.

This was a blip, a month, because I'm in familiar territory.

Write that entry in my SS.

I am committing. July 4th I'll go out and have fun. On the 5th, I will watch all day and have fun.

I am committed to leading a life I love, the life I know I can lead.

Like I talked about Odejay, I am not irreparably damaged

I live a good life and I will make it even better.

I am a curious person who loves words and ideas. I am a businessman. I am a lover.

I am interesting to myself, and I will lean into that.

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

June 13, 2024

2 at BK Inn. 1 here at CoveyHovey.

The Storkes are playing. It's summer so it's hot as fuck here. I had that multi-beer sweat, so uncomfortable. Do I program? Do I write? What's the best use of this buzz?

It's all a little useless. I came here yesterday but forgot my personal notebook. I have my personal notebook now but... What truth am I going to get to?

The real truths come when I know I'm not drinking. "I'm not drinking and yet I still feel something... what is that?"

The only truths that come when I'm drinking are the shallow things that pop up about sobriety, ones that I already pretty much know. These aren't new.

I don't respect people here. I don't look interesting. Those who are interesting are the ones who stay home, doing their thing, not being seen.

I'll have this one here and then I sober up. I'll reach out to John, see if he wants to connect.

Compare this with those crazy weeks I was killing it with The Business. Unstoppable. And I'll get there again.

When I'm experiencing life like I am now, that's what reminds me: yeah what I'm doing is hard. I'm in a league of my own.

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

May 5, 2024

Saturday, annoyed by the same girl at J's party. Went to Finbizzle to eat those wings + have "final beers". What did I notice?

I sat there, had the two. A few people kept looking at me. In some way, I liked the looks, because I looked good tonight and I was focused.

I got 1 hour and 20 minutes of work done. And when I really had to think, I couldn't reach my highest powers

$45 for 2 drinks and wings and 2 hours. Let that sink in.

I'm going to be tired tomorrow and I know it

The beers were good, but again, as I'm drinking them I don't even notice it. And that's the issue. Why be tasting things I don't notice?

When it comes to my biz, I'm doing a lot of small things but I can't reach the higher levels of thought. I want to flirt and laugh but the future is the last thing on my mind.

May 5, on and on baby. On and on

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

April 20, 2024

One more time here at Finbizzle. For whatever reason I felt: okay, let's do it real. Let's be present with it. I am here.

Today, I realized how much of a handicap I put myself in when I'm hungover. No focus, nothing. Tired after 45 minutes even with the aid of uppers

But I wanna be here. Try it out. I'll recover. The next weekend is it.

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

April 19, 2024

9:48pm EST

I'm at Finny. I wanted to come here, I don't really know why. I think what I've clung to is how I felt when I was writing "Boys Evening" here, what was that, 14 months ago.

I remember that day very well. A little addy, went to that coffee shop. Came here. Wrote for like 3 hours. The ending came to me here. And I just kept going in. I was so proud.

I've been away from this for a bit. Yeah, I've been doing a bit of addy, "sober" at home, in my room. I can honestly say that I prefer that now.

Sure, I'm here. I feel good because this Premium feels good. That grapefruit one was so meh. SOOOO MEH.

I feel good because of the drug. But I know what it's like to be at home, completely alone, and in the zone. In the true zone. A zone that needs nothing other than itself. It doesn't need to look at pretty women. it doesn't need to be seen. It just has to connect with God. I prefer that so much more.

This is it baby. I don't want to go to that beer bar. I don't want to go to that cocktail bar. I've come here and I know now that it pales in comparison to being in the zone at home, in my own place.

I'm looking at some tech dudes. There was either a birthday or a wedding party or both. Yes, there is life out here, and I like seeing that. But the life I have going on at home, on my own, in my zone, is good too.

I'm confident that I have interesting perspectives and interesting things to say. I'm not famous but there are people who would love to spend time with me while I'm locked in. They want to see want that looks like. But I won't let them. I only let a few people into there. I choose them. It's their pleasure, not mine. They want to see me, I don't need them. That's what it's like when I'm in the zone.

Not even I can appreciate how blessed this opportunity is. It's so funny. I'm going to look back at building all of this and laugh at how free I was. I'm going to laugh at all this cowboy shit I did, pushing to prod, the audacity I have to believe I can beat the behemoth of the billion dollar dating companies.

Little do they know, man. Little do those fuckers know what this dude is cooking up. Little do they know what I'm doing right now, sitting alone at this stupid fucking beer bar, little do they know how many millions I will eventually skin off of them.

Into the family fund. Into my legacy fund.

I'm here, I'm here, and this is the last one I write like this

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

April 1, 2024

I was about to go to NPBC. Monday. I've done this for a lot of weeks now.

But then I thought about going home. Chilling on the couch with Dad. Maybe I could work a bit at home? I'd probably get better sleep.

I watched TV with Dad. A video about a mall in the PI (Belt Green) that is now closed. We discussed how narrow old malls are, how nice they are now. We watched some videos about apartment buildings, talked about moving.

I ate his adobo. I'm sitting on my spot on the couch. Z on my lap, sniffing me and pawing at me to hold him.

The right decision. Do this over and over and you'll see the benefits. You'll never go the other way.

Remember: it's all just habits man. Don't believe the stories about what I get from missing out