thomas-anonymous-nyc - Tumblr blog

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

May 5, 2024

Saturday, annoyed by the same girl at J's party. Went to Finbizzle to eat those wings + have "final beers". What did I notice?

I sat there, had the two. A few people kept looking at me. In some way, I liked the looks, because I looked good tonight and I was focused.

I got 1 hour and 20 minutes of work done. And when I really had to think, I couldn't reach my highest powers

$45 for 2 drinks and wings and 2 hours. Let that sink in.

I'm going to be tired tomorrow and I know it

The beers were good, but again, as I'm drinking them I don't even notice it. And that's the issue. Why be tasting things I don't notice?

When it comes to my biz, I'm doing a lot of small things but I can't reach the higher levels of thought. I want to flirt and laugh but the future is the last thing on my mind.

May 5, on and on baby. On and on

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

April 20, 2024

One more time here at Finbizzle. For whatever reason I felt: okay, let's do it real. Let's be present with it. I am here.

Today, I realized how much of a handicap I put myself in when I'm hungover. No focus, nothing. Tired after 45 minutes even with the aid of uppers

But I wanna be here. Try it out. I'll recover. The next weekend is it.

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

April 19, 2024

9:48pm EST

I'm at Finny. I wanted to come here, I don't really know why. I think what I've clung to is how I felt when I was writing "Boys Evening" here, what was that, 14 months ago.

I remember that day very well. A little addy, went to that coffee shop. Came here. Wrote for like 3 hours. The ending came to me here. And I just kept going in. I was so proud.

I've been away from this for a bit. Yeah, I've been doing a bit of addy, "sober" at home, in my room. I can honestly say that I prefer that now.

Sure, I'm here. I feel good because this Premium feels good. That grapefruit one was so meh. SOOOO MEH.

I feel good because of the drug. But I know what it's like to be at home, completely alone, and in the zone. In the true zone. A zone that needs nothing other than itself. It doesn't need to look at pretty women. it doesn't need to be seen. It just has to connect with God. I prefer that so much more.

This is it baby. I don't want to go to that beer bar. I don't want to go to that cocktail bar. I've come here and I know now that it pales in comparison to being in the zone at home, in my own place.

I'm looking at some tech dudes. There was either a birthday or a wedding party or both. Yes, there is life out here, and I like seeing that. But the life I have going on at home, on my own, in my zone, is good too.

I'm confident that I have interesting perspectives and interesting things to say. I'm not famous but there are people who would love to spend time with me while I'm locked in. They want to see want that looks like. But I won't let them. I only let a few people into there. I choose them. It's their pleasure, not mine. They want to see me, I don't need them. That's what it's like when I'm in the zone.

Not even I can appreciate how blessed this opportunity is. It's so funny. I'm going to look back at building all of this and laugh at how free I was. I'm going to laugh at all this cowboy shit I did, pushing to prod, the audacity I have to believe I can beat the behemoth of the billion dollar dating companies.

Little do they know, man. Little do those fuckers know what this dude is cooking up. Little do they know what I'm doing right now, sitting alone at this stupid fucking beer bar, little do they know how many millions I will eventually skin off of them.

Into the family fund. Into my legacy fund.

I'm here, I'm here, and this is the last one I write like this

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

April 1, 2024

I was about to go to NPBC. Monday. I've done this for a lot of weeks now.

But then I thought about going home. Chilling on the couch with Dad. Maybe I could work a bit at home? I'd probably get better sleep.

I watched TV with Dad. A video about a mall in the PI (Belt Green) that is now closed. We discussed how narrow old malls are, how nice they are now. We watched some videos about apartment buildings, talked about moving.

I ate his adobo. I'm sitting on my spot on the couch. Z on my lap, sniffing me and pawing at me to hold him.

The right decision. Do this over and over and you'll see the benefits. You'll never go the other way.

Remember: it's all just habits man. Don't believe the stories about what I get from missing out

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

March 29, 2024

I was at NPBC again yesterday. I was at Statties, working. I just kept throwing myself deeper into my project, avoiding. I am so productive, so productive here. I don't want to think about writing the novel, think about reading, think about sitting on the couch. I'm doing well at this and I threw myself in more.

1/4 of the year is up. Unfinished business, being back at home for a while. I feel like a failure in a way. But I know none of these things will change me. Being ok with what is.

It's amazing to have time to learn a new language

It's amazing to be curious and be able to write a novel

It's amazing that I can work from anywhere and I can be back in my childhood home with my beloved parent here, to spend time with him.

That said, yeah, I have all these things I want to do. And I need to commit myself to these things while having fun with them.

I know what I've done wrong. This trip has not been a waste. So stop beating myself up about that. Recommit.

I haven't dropped the weight

I haven't stopped the evening drinking

I have learned, about me trying to change the experience of every day living

I learned about M through F, be a good boy. Just recommit, baby. That's all.

Dancing is beautiful. New York is beautiful. I'm going back and I'm going to have a good time. Sometimes the going isn't so great with my goals. It's okay. I'm a human being not a human doing.

And this life is so wonderful. Even with my belly. The taste of this chicken.

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

March 7, 2024

That last post on March 4th. The next day I had my session with JD and she basically said, "look, you keep getting into these thought loops. Perhaps you should think of taking some SSRIs?"

And I was embarrassed by that, a little disappointed in myself. Do I need drugs to see the world in a better place? Am I incapable of creating my own hope and thankfulness for living?

This is no disrespect to people who use them. My disappointment is in myself, how after all this studying of others and of myself, of knowing how to live a happy life, I've procrastinated on making some clear decisions because it was scary, because it was new, because I wondered if closing my old way of living would simultaneously close off the possibility of finding a way to keep living that old way.

And what did I do? I went back yesterday to BCNP. I had two there, I had two at Seven.

Let's write about this now. Because I am not doing it again.

I finished working at Statties. It was 6:20pm, I put in my time. I thought about how, on Monday, I did my 2 at BCNP and 2 at LPT.

I thought that the experience could be better. That if I had a really lovely session at BCNP, sipping those beautiful hazies, being really present with them, savoring them on "my last times", then I would be able to say goodbye to them. It would be like winning a championship and then retiring. That's the type of satisfaction I was looking for.

And God, they tasted very good. That first couple of sips, sweet and juicy, kinda milky, and the little flow to the head that just makes you go, "that is relaxation. oh yes, that is how it feels like to relax. And from something that tastes so damn good too".

But it's always the same. As I'm sitting there I'm like, "I want more of this feeling. More of it and for longer. And I'm looking at all these people and I feel powerful among them. I can afford this, I deserve this, and I like this"

I'm examining now also the frame of mind I was in at 6:20pm. I could fit one or two in. I haven't started yet, I haven't made my decision yet, so fuck it what's one more day. But as it is, it's always just one more day. My belly is still there, no one has to know what I'm doing. And no one has to know because I am not telling anyone

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

March 4, 2024

I'll convince myself that I'm drinking this hazy IPA at NPBC because I like the taste. And damn I like the taste, it does feel good.

But ultimately, it's like, this isn't it. Build my biz, be able to engage with the general public about it, put in my hour of writing and hour of reading a day. See how that all goes.

You an adult now. Time to be an adult.

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

February 19, 2024

Sitting at NP Beer after Carnival/Rio. My work cut out for me. 119 days. I never expected to talk to a pretty girl or anything but my mind is slow and I wanted to see if I felt anything good. Well, I don't.

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

December 30, 2023

Here we go Tom Anon. Here we go.

I'm on like 3.5 IPAs. It's 2am. I know that if I don't lay down it could easily be 3.

Watched a N Ephron flick. I wanted to do some good thinking. I laughed a lot. Wanted to respond to Lubofe but don't have the energy to. I'm yawning.

Most of my entertainment came from the first 1.5 beers, how much I love Meg, how important she has been to me. I imagined living in the 90s again but as an adult. I have gone in my imagination... thinking about time.

Time makes me really sad. I don't want to be the type of person who gets stuck just feeling bad about it.

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

October 27, 2023

1:30am

I went to WashComm to work while drinking beers and I know I've hit a point in my programming where trying to do it while getting buzzed will NOT get me anywhere.

$22 for 1 hour programming

I also told Mr Tan at B-Lady on this Thursday that it's one of the last times he'll see me for a while. I don't want to be there. I did my people watching. I saw Mina there. I've journaled and looked. There's nothihng for me. I can get away from it.

I'm done. Nothing for me there.

Let's get on with it

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

October 9, 2023

10:32pm

Here at WashComm on a Monday after being back from Europe

Hazy IPA + Negroni at BK

Manhattan at Barbie

IPA at Star

IPA at WashComm

It's like... I got nothing.

There's nothing I got. Talking to Katya + Anna + Anastasia. All that. Hot wife. Building some beliefs.

I came home to Paul pretty drunk. Ate noodles + fried stuff.

After this week, that's it! And I won't be just yeah. I'm lucky to have good friends.

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

August 12, 2023

1:52am

Some drinking thoughts.

I absolutely do need some time away from it. And if I am in NYC for 950+ days, even a year, I would be able to see at least "what I'm made of". I think that's an important thing to know, even if part of me is like, "yeah but I wanna go out on weekends so what?" True, so what. But what am I MADE OF? I don't know. And kinda screwing it up every couple of weeks and feeling kinda addicted only strengthens the case.

I've been pretty drunk all week.

At 6pm, I drank a Fat Mango at Finback + dumplings.

I walked another 4 pack at home, watched 4 episodes of Normal People and admired the beauty of that girl. Could I get her? Or someone like her?

I wanted to journal, had some insights about life. But the more I drank the less I remembered what the hell it was I was thinking.

I j'd off to chelle. oh man... geez. what a body. and she wanted me.

I'm sitting here and forgetting. There's nothing to do.

Remember: Ray Dalio. Do the thing.

Friday: 5 Fat mangos today

Thursday: A cocktail with Lisa yesterday. A manhattan at BK Inn. A martini + IPA at BL. Another IPA at WashC.

Wednesday: Rolling in Clouds at home. Rolling in Clouds walking to Park Slope. Manhattan + IPA at Barbie. IPA at that one bar with the cute busser. Fried chicken and wings over at that asian snack place

Tuesday: beers at G-Star, talking to M and El. Last times

Monday: No fucking clue???

Sunday: All out with Magz, BK Inn + dinner + Sharl's.

Saturday: Opps with T and G, dinner with an expensive negroni, white claws, and expensive cocktail elsewhere

Friday:

I've done it all man. I've done it all. All the fucking places. Only one thing left is to leave it all behind.

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

July 22, 2023

3:17am

Just outlining the randomly going through the day getting kinda buzzed.

7pm at the park. Tall boy Hazy thing. I feel ok. I justify it because I think it will get me to sleep early, if I only have one then it will make me tired early. I will go to bed at 11pm.

I go to the bar, have no plan, T asks me what I want and instinctually say a negroni. It’s 9pm. By the time I leave there it’s 10:30pm and I am buzzed and wide awake.

I walk by Wash and it’s really popping in there and I see a really good seat. I get an Aperol Spritz, watch women’s soccer.

I start going home around 11:20pm. At this point, time is fake to me. None of it matters whatsoever. 10pm 11pm 2am are all the same. That’s what happens when you’re drinking alone. You just stop giving a fuck.

It’s 3:00am now. I laughed at some YouTube videos, watched soccer. It feels like it’s 8pm on a Friday but it’s not. This is what happens when you’re not... bound to reality.

I don’t feel drunk but I obviously am. That’s what it feels like, to be so used to it, to be so acclimated. It’s not good, keeps me from being the best version of myself.

I’ll get up no hangover tomorrow feeling fine. But it definitely affected me even if I don’t think it did.

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

April 3, 2023

1:31pm

The day after the MDMA session

1. It’s crazy to me that I’m defining what I do based on women. The only way to connect with someone is to follow my heart and be the most authentic version of myself. Of course that’s with my flaws too. But it’s certainly not going to be useful to hook up with 1 Hannah once a year for the next 3 years. And what do I want? Beram from B-Low? Is that what I’m looking for? But even that, defining   the type of person I strive to be and getting closer to that every day. When you’re not in your head about the story of regret and can just wake up and get closer to who you actually want to be, it doesn’t matter how old you are or how much time has passed. And all the time I’ve “wasted” really was learning. Could I have come to these same conclusions as a 29 year old? Of course not.

2. There’s nothing as attractive as someone who knows what they want and who they are. And that’s what I strive to be now that I’ve done so much exploration.

3. I will meet someone like Han. I’ll go dancing with friends every week. And I’ll see her. And I will say hello.

4. July 4th. I don’t know what will happen. But if I grow into my schedule and am gentle with my mistakes, it doesn’t matter. We’re going there and we’re going to see.

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

April 1, 2023

12:50am

I did this Friday. I was reading that book about MDMA therapy while at B-Lady and while reading the pages it hit me how much of my life is just afraid of sex and intimacy and humiliation. To be sexy and wanted and not want to face it without embarrassment. To go out and be drunk and flirt with girls but not want to actuallly commit to being in a relationship. Only wanting fleeting and transactional love where I don’t have to be hurt. Otherwise, what? I would see Ana, would’ve asked A-cher out sooner, all of that.

It really drives everything. I say I want one thing but I act entirely in another way. Like a woman who eats not to be seen... it’s the same thing. And I know it’s true.

To be a wanted and desirable man... to do these things that keep me alone for long periods of time... to not trust that someone actually would want to be with me unless I somehow tricked them into being with me... it’s all that

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

March 8, 2023

1:47am GS. Was weird to see J-Me there. I don’t care about L-eese. B-Lady. Admitting.

There is nothing for me out there, really. And I know that it’s so much more fun to be cool with what I’m doing. It’s the only fun, good way to live.

I see my attention now. I’m a little tired. I was a little drunk earlier. I was talking ODJ earlier. All of this... so I don’t have to think.

To get what I really want requires closing off possibilities.

I’m 33 y/o and 5 months now. This time last year I’m doing The Artist’s Way. This is before I start believing in a lot of my creativity. I’m gold now. I believe in the process.

Do I really need to go another warm weather then cold weather and wait 365 days to remember that I want to write books and save money? Is that what I really need? To sit around just listening and being like, “Oh, actually, I want to write and dance salsa! thats’ what I really want! why didn’t I know that all along!”

I know it now. Now it’s just about practicing it and being okay with it.

[thomas-anonymous-nyc]

March 5, 2023

3:43am

Here’s the thing:

I didn’t want to be out. I ended up being where I was. I watched myself and time pass. I don’t need this.

I see how I don’t need this